Help with non-believing parent criticising my faith

[jay_dub]

Hi there,

A bit of background on me. I was brought up my Catholic father and ‘lapsed Anglican’ mother. Dad’s Catholicism was a huge sticking point for my mother all the way up until my father’s passing a few years ago.

Dad raised me Catholic and I participated in all the sacraments. As my mother was so ‘against’ Catholicism and in fact any particular form of organised religion, her objection to my baptism was such that dad had to sneak me out of the house as an old toddler to take me to my own baptism.

While I am aware that this was probably not the best way for him to deal with his spouse, there is a part of me that is grateful that he did ‘whatever it took’ to have me baptised.

Anyway, while I admit that I had a few years in my teenage days in which I was a lapsed Catholic, my faith has always been important to me, while being a source of almost ridicule/jokes towards me from my mum and her children from her first marriage.

Since dad’s passing I have become more active in the church and with each passing church activity it bothers my mum more and more.

Sometimes she appears supportive, sending me links to articles I may enjoy or bringing back keepsakes from her travels, if the keepsake has a religious bent.

However other times she can be very hurtful. Earlier this week a dinner topic turned to how she and her son (my half-brother) were disgusted and hurt that his child’s Catholic mother had gotten their son (my nephew) baptised. I said that I was glad the child’s mother had given him that gift, and that I was grateful my father had done so for me, and that it would be lovely that I can now share my faith with my nephew.

However my mother replied that I was brainwashed, and my nephew, although only young, has repeatedly informed me that he does not believe in God.

In response to my mother’s ‘brainwashed’ comment, I tried to calmly reply that, ‘that’s your opinion, but my faith is important to me’ but I still can’t shake the hurt feelings I have and would like some techniques for future assistance to deal with this?

Thanks and God bless.

 

[DarkLight]

“I’d rather not talk about religion - it just seems to make everyone upset. Crazy weather we’re having lately?”

If they persist:

“I said I don’t want to talk about it.” And excuse yourself.

Don’t argue. Be polite, but make it clear that if she wants to see you she doesn’t get to criticize your faith.

 

[robwar]

Hi there,

A bit of background on me. I was brought up my Catholic father and ‘lapsed Anglican’ mother. Dad’s Catholicism was a huge sticking point for my mother all the way up until my father’s passing a few years ago.

Dad raised me Catholic and I participated in all the sacraments. As my mother was so ‘against’ Catholicism and in fact any particular form of organised religion, her objection to my baptism was such that dad had to sneak me out of the house as an old toddler to take me to my own baptism.

While I am aware that this was probably not the best way for him to deal with his spouse, there is a part of me that is grateful that he did ‘whatever it took’ to have me baptised.

Anyway, while I admit that I had a few years in my teenage days in which I was a lapsed Catholic, my faith has always been important to me, while being a source of almost ridicule/jokes towards me from my mum and her children from her first marriage.

Since dad’s passing I have become more active in the church and with each passing church activity it bothers my mum more and more.

Sometimes she appears supportive, sending me links to articles I may enjoy or bringing back keepsakes from her travels, if the keepsake has a religious bent.

However other times she can be very hurtful. Earlier this week a dinner topic turned to how she and her son (my half-brother) were disgusted and hurt that his child’s Catholic mother had gotten their son (my nephew) baptised. I said that I was glad the child’s mother had given him that gift, and that I was grateful my father had done so for me, and that it would be lovely that I can now share my faith with my nephew.

However my mother replied that I was brainwashed, and my nephew, although only young, has repeatedly informed me that he does not believe in God.

In response to my mother’s ‘brainwashed’ comment, I tried to calmly reply that, ‘that’s your opinion, but my faith is important to me’ but I still can’t shake the hurt feelings I have and would like some techniques for future assistance to deal with this?

Thanks and God bless.

I’m sorry about your mom. Maybe next time she brings up the brainwash comment retort back to her." how is that mom? you are the other parent and I had exposure to you and dad and made my own decision after being raised by the both of you. Sorry mom you feel I’m brainwashed but really, I was raised with your non-belief and dad’s faith" Maybe she will see her error and shut up.

 

[tweedlealice]

Hi there,

A bit of background on me. I was brought up my Catholic father and ‘lapsed Anglican’ mother. Dad’s Catholicism was a huge sticking point for my mother all the way up until my father’s passing a few years ago.

Dad raised me Catholic and I participated in all the sacraments. As my mother was so ‘against’ Catholicism and in fact any particular form of organised religion, her objection to my baptism was such that dad had to sneak me out of the house as an old toddler to take me to my own baptism.

While I am aware that this was probably not the best way for him to deal with his spouse, there is a part of me that is grateful that he did ‘whatever it took’ to have me baptised.

Anyway, while I admit that I had a few years in my teenage days in which I was a lapsed Catholic, my faith has always been important to me, while being a source of almost ridicule/jokes towards me from my mum and her children from her first marriage.

Since dad’s passing I have become more active in the church and with each passing church activity it bothers my mum more and more.

Sometimes she appears supportive, sending me links to articles I may enjoy or bringing back keepsakes from her travels, if the keepsake has a religious bent.

However other times she can be very hurtful. Earlier this week a dinner topic turned to how she and her son (my half-brother) were disgusted and hurt that his child’s Catholic mother had gotten their son (my nephew) baptised. I said that I was glad the child’s mother had given him that gift, and that I was grateful my father had done so for me, and that it would be lovely that I can now share my faith with my nephew.

However my mother replied that I was brainwashed, and my nephew, although only young, has repeatedly informed me that he does not believe in God.

In response to my mother’s ‘brainwashed’ comment, I tried to calmly reply that, ‘that’s your opinion, but my faith is important to me’ but I still can’t shake the hurt feelings I have and would like some techniques for future assistance to deal with this?

Thanks and God bless.

Hi
The Anglican faith and Episcopalian faith are the same. Angilcans are the church of England after the Henry the VIII divorce where he severed his ties w the Pope and Rome. Everything else stayed essentially the same. They baptize infants, have communion, etc. Google Anglican beliefs. There is no battle here except the Pope. She should be brainwashed just as much as you x Pope. They should have all the sacraments. Once you check it out, just reply w Anglican answers as they should be ours. They may not believe in the true presence?? The article will clarify. Knowledge and Grace and the Love of Jesus will empower you. Corinthians ! 13: Love is patient and kind verse. It is around there. Ephesians 3:17 Paul’s prayer for the church (us)
In Christs’ love,
tweedlealice

 

[raikou]

You may want to read on the Catechism and some Catholic apologetic materials that can help you defend your faith well, in a charitable manner of course.

Sometimes, it’s better not to enter into an argument. But if there’s an opportune time, you may attempt to explain the faith in a non-offensive manner. After all, it’s still our duty to spread the faith.

Whatever happens, continue to love and respect your mother and pray for her.

Your best argument would still be if she sees that your faith influences you to become a loving son to her.

God bless!

 

[pianistclare]

I’m sorry about your mom. Maybe next time she brings up the brainwash comment retort back to her." how is that mom? you are the other parent and I had exposure to you and dad and made my own decision after being raised by the both of you. Sorry mom you feel I’m brainwashed but really, I was raised with your non-belief and dad’s faith" Maybe she will see her error and shut up.

Yes. She was non-practicing. Why does she care? It’s not like she has a strong attachment to her faith.
I would do as suggested. Tell her you’re a grown up and can make your own decisions.
Honestly. The things people will do to their “family”. God bless you.

 

[Pilgrim_333]

Asserting that a person, especially a loved one, is “brainwashed” because they possess a supernatural faith that they cannot understand, or more likely, have a moral or cultural aversion to, is doubly insulting and hurtful–and what’s worse, in most cases, it is meant to be hurtful…it is meant to illicit a kind of shame for simply possessing faith or for handing your heart and mind over to something outside of and greater than yourself. Stating that a person is “brainwashed” is the same as saying that they are not psychologically, intellectually or morally capable of seeing through the veil of manipulation and deception that the person or group engaged in the “brainwashing” is casting over them; as such, it is also a very offensive and defamatory comment, and meant to be, against the Church, the Faithful.

Firstly, I would intensely pray for them. Secondly, I would refuse to engage in any such conversations, as they are inherently dishonest; but do not deny your Faith or the defense of it, as long as all is done in charity. Lastly, pray for them always. Remember that it is always the Holy Spirit Who converts the hearts of mind of people; and that you have an innumerable Army of Saints that are interceding for you, and them–most especially the Blessed Virgin Mary, the Holy Mother of God.

 

[Demetra2]

First of all may God bless you for standing strong in your faith. I am sorry that your mother and brother are trying to insult and shame you into abandoning your faith. I have experienced similar hurts from my family of origin and I know how awful this is. If you feel up to it you can gently explain your faith. If you don’t, refuse to discuss it and pray for them each and every day. Prayer is very powerful.
I think your mom hassles you so much because you are a constant reminder that she has little or no faith and that troubles her. She would feel better if you were a non practicing Catholic. Deep down in her heart and soul she may suspect that you are right and she is worried and confused about herself and her own decisions. But this is OK. Your faith is a like a lit candle in a very dark room.

 

[Rob_in_Oregon]

Demetra2 has some good insight. One thing I very quickly learned as a transit bus driver is that some people just cannot be reasoned with. Getting drawn into an argument with them accomplishes nothing, and only makes me angry and agitated. Don’t participate in these discussions. My extended family is almost all atheist or agnostic, and when they say something insulting or blasphemous, I just offer a silent prayer of reparation. That way I stay calm.

 

[Irishmom2]

“I’d rather not talk about religion - it just seems to make everyone upset. Crazy weather we’re having lately?”

If they persist:

“I said I don’t want to talk about it.” And excuse yourself.

Don’t argue. Be polite, but make it clear that if she wants to see you she doesn’t get to criticize your faith.

 

[rayne89]

You’re mom is baiting you -don’t bite.

Earlier this week a dinner topic turned to how she and her son (my half-brother) were disgusted and hurt that his child’s Catholic mother had gotten their son (my nephew) baptised.

“Hmm? Did you notice how the gas prices have dropped? I wonder what the deal with that is?”
“What? I can believe Catholic mother got nephew baptised. Seriously I can’t believe people still follow that garbage like sheep. A bunch of celibate men making up rules.”
“You know what I’'m pretty full. Thanks for dinner. I’ve got to stop at the store on the way home so I better get going.”

Each and every time she acts this way -look completely disinterested and she won’t stop excuse yourself. Either she’ll get a clue or you get to spend less time with her. She’s being incredibly disrespectful, she’s not looking for honest dialog -she’s looking for an argument. The brainwashed comment is a total giveaway. Don’t take the bait.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

You know something very similar happened to me. A couple months ago, my mom was visiting from out of state. She came to watch the kids soccer game. (they are in a faith based soccer league) The coach was “preaching” pretty hard at the beginning and my mom leaned over to me and commented on how she thought it was brainwashing. I said, “well, if you think that is brainwashing then you should see the homeschool curriculum we use.” The conversation continued on and then a while later I made the comment, “You just don’t understand because you are an athiest.” I found out later that this comment hurt my mother. My mother is “agnostic” in that she believes that anything is possible, but for practical purposes she is a non- believer. “Athiest” was not the right word for her, but she wears “agnostic” like a badge of honor. She thinks it makes her more well rounded and smarter to say she is agnostic.

Now, honestly, I don’t really know how I feel about what happened. Of course I regret hurting my mother, but religion is a very touchy subject and she often makes backhanded comments about our faith or the way we raise our children. And if my comment helps her think about her faith, or even the way she criticizes my faith then perhaps it needed to be done.

One of the things it did is bring out in the open the huge religious difference between us. And perhaps it is better than just hiding it and pretending it does not exist. My mom likes to not talk about the elephant in the room unless it is only on her terms. I litterally have had conversations with her where she talks for an hour about what she believes and then says she does not want to talk about it anymore.

But Jesus noted how hard it is to evangelize with family. And it is true especially with parents. I am 40, but my mom still sees me as a child. That is hard sometimes because she constantly judges my every decision. Even the way I drive. Thank God I married someone a little more agreeable than my mother…

 

[jay_dub]

Hi guys, just checking back in to say thanks to you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut & prayers. Currently I’m finding the best plan of action has been like you all suggested to try the ‘changing the subject’ approach & of course a lot of prayers. Thanks again & if I can I’ll try stop back in later with another update. Cheers

 

[DeniseNY]

You’re mom is baiting you -don’t bite.

“Hmm? Did you notice how the gas prices have dropped? I wonder what the deal with that is?”
“What? I can believe Catholic mother got nephew baptised. Seriously I can’t believe people still follow that garbage like sheep. A bunch of celibate men making up rules.”
“You know what I’'m pretty full. Thanks for dinner. I’ve got to stop at the store on the way home so I better get going.”

Each and every time she acts this way -look completely disinterested and she won’t stop excuse yourself. Either she’ll get a clue or you get to spend less time with her. She’s being incredibly disrespectful, she’s not looking for honest dialog -she’s looking for an argument. The brainwashed comment is a total giveaway. Don’t take the bait.

Spot on.

 

[catholicmom2015]

I have had this happen not from my mom but from other people who are close to me. For example, my sister in law once laughed and pointed at me and my sons, and said “haha” when I was taking my sons to church on Christmas Eve! I was in shock, and just didn’t know what to do/say. So I just gave her a glare and went on my way without saying anything. My theory was that she does not deserve to have her atrocious behaviour acknowledged or responded to by me.

I agree with trying to change the subject or just walking away, talking to someone else may achieve the same thing.

 

[Allegra]

There’s already a lot of great “high road” advice here already. I know I wouldn’t be taking the high road though. I would probably go with something along the lines of, “Wow. Brainwashed? It’s nice to know that my mother thinks I’m so stupid that I can’t think for myself. I think I’ll be going now.”

 

[pianistclare]

There’s already a lot of great “high road” advice here already. I know I wouldn’t be taking the high road though. I would probably go with something along the lines of, “Wow. Brainwashed? It’s nice to know that my mother thinks I’m so stupid that I can’t think for myself. I think I’ll be going now.”

Yup. Although I try to be compassionate, sometimes I just can’t take the snarky people.
It’s hard to turn the other cheek. Sometimes I fail and just blurt out stuff.
With some folks, kindness never works. They take it as an act of submission.
I won’t tolerate anyone putting down my faith. I remember the martyrs who faced much tougher battles than most of us ever will. And I try to respond with grace. But I’ll be the first to admit: I don’t always do it.
Remembering Our Lady at the foot of the Cross helps as well. God bless.