Help with showing respect

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It is difficult to process what you are saying because what I am hearing is your judgement that I continually press him into conversations he doesn’t want to have, specifically about what he does in his free time, based on one example of a time DH felt I was being disrespectful. Your assessment is inaccurate which makes it difficult to hear your advice.

Please correct me if I am wrong; but, your advice is that I need to watch for signs he doesn’t want to talk about something and, when unimportant, it is disrespectful to continue.
 
JetteZ said:
Please correct me if I am wrong; but, your advice is that I need to watch for signs he doesn’t want to talk about something and, when unimportant, it is disrespectful to continue.
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Basically.

I think you’re trying to be “respectful” when he just doesn’t want to talk. I actually think your example was very good and displayed what’s going on well.

Are you familiar with the idea that men are capable of “not thinking” or “having nothing in their brain”?

This is a great youtube video. Tell me if this rings any bells for you. The full video is 2 hours, and i think you would benefit from it.


EDIT: I forgot about the end. So perfect for this situation.
 
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I am baffled by your insistence that you have figured out “what’s going on” from one example and continue to insist that I am badgering my husband to talk to me when he doesn’t want to after my repeated attempts to have you understand that is not the case.
 
JetteZ said:
I am baffled by your insistence that you have figured out “what’s going on” from one example and continue to insist that I am badgering my husband to talk to me when he doesn’t want to after my repeated attempts to have you understand that is not the case.
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No. You keep repeating yourself over and over trying to justify what you’re saying VS the disrespect he is telling you.

What do you want to hear? Oh, he’s a jerk for being so rude to you when you’re just trying to understand his feelings? Or, oh, you’re such a horrible woman for taking to him that way?

No.

What I am insisting on is that there is a clear breakdown between what is coming out of your mouth and what is going on in his head. It seems to me, thusfar, to be the innocent difference between how men and women think, nothing more

It’s you who seems insistent on turning this into some sort of psycological mystery about just how much you are able to miss basic clues.
 
I keep repeating myself because you keep analyzing the one example I gave when what I want remains answers to my original general questions:

What are less obvious disrespectful behaviors or attitudes that I may be doing?

How can I be respectful when what I am saying is going to be unpleasant to hear?
 
JetteZ said:
I keep repeating myself because you keep analyzing the one example I gave when what I want remains answers to my original general questions:

What are less obvious disrespectful behaviors or attitudes that I may be doing?

How can I be respectful when what I am saying is going to be unpleasant to hear?
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  1. If they are not obvious to you, and you are not talking like a snotty teenager, then you likely need professional help with that “attitude”. Again, I think that his perception of “disrepectful” is completely off-base and your attitude of what “needs doing” is, too. How are we supposed to judge subtle behaviors over an internet forum?
  2. If he dosn’t want to hear it, ask yourself if it really needs to be said. If it dosn’t. Don’t say it. If it does then perhaps write it out or run it by a friend first.
 
Thank you.

In my original post I gave examples, from the book, of things that are obvious examples of being disrespectful. I wasn’t asking anyone to judge my behavior but rather to explain times that they had witnessed less obvious signs of disrespect so that I could analyze my own behavior.

I appologize if my original post was unclear or if it became unclear because of my subsequent responses to other posters’ questions.
 
JetteZ said:
Thank you.

In my original post I gave examples, from the book, of things that are obvious examples of being disrespectful. I wasn’t asking anyone to judge my behavior but rather to explain times that they had witnessed less obvious signs of disrespect so that I could analyze my own behavior.

I appologize if my original post was unclear or if it became unclear because of my subsequent responses to other posters’ questions.
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I think if it’s really what you’re “feeling” from the book, you probably should question the source. While it’s a “well respected” Christian book, you have to remember that such books are also lacing some of the benefits of a sacramental marriage, as Christians, without Catholicism, can only have natural marriages.

Honestly, I think you seem to feel very responsible for your husband’s feelings in a way that doesn’t quite seem healthy. If I’m honest, that nagging feeling is what bothors me the most about how you talk about your interactions with your husband. It probably can really be traced back to a book that comes at marriage without the sacramental concepts.

Perhaps, better than simply guessing how your words affect your husband, why not do a Bible study or other thing with him? I know there isn’t alot out there for Catholics, and it’s really a shame.

Jackie Francois, a very good Catholic role-model, just finished a book along with her husband. I haven’t gotten a chance to read it yet but from everyone, I hear it’s what Catholics have wanted for quite some time.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0819827436/_encoding=UTF8?coliid=I2PHG59EMB38Z2&colid=178KT2PSN5KEU
 
JetteZ said:
Thank you.

In my original post I gave examples, from the book, of things that are obvious examples of being disrespectful. I wasn’t asking anyone to judge my behavior but rather to explain times that they had witnessed less obvious signs of disrespect so that I could analyze my own behavior.

I appologize if my original post was unclear or if it became unclear because of my subsequent responses to other posters’ questions.
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Oh my goodness. Before I had only taken a cursory look at that book.

STAY AWAY from it. It is terrible.

I was reading some quotes:

“This is not about the husband deserving respect; it’s about the wife being willing to treat her husband respectfully WITHOUT CONDITIONS.” (p. 18)

“Wives don’t need a lot of coaching on being loving. It’s something God built into them and they do it naturally. However they do need help with respect” because “this a foreign term to many women.” (p. 183)

On page 278, he shares a letter he received from a “wife who had suffered physical and verbal abuse from her husband—which I absolutely condemn as wicked and urge a wife to seek protection and help for—she had gone back to him after he repented, realized she hadn’t completely forgiven him and certainly wasn’t showing him respect. After coming across our materials, she began showing him respect—MOSTLY BY REMAINING QUIET and dignified instead of arguing. Their relationship improved considerably.”

“Yes, your spouse may be harsh, unloving or disrespectful A LOT OF THE TIME but just remembering that your spouse is really a person of goodwill can put you on the road to the reward cycle.” (p. 290)

This is unacceptable drivel.

Throw out the book, burn it or othrewise destroy it. Get it far from your mind.

No wonder you appear so confused.
 
Hi @JetteZ,

I think that the best thing that you can do would be to go and talk to your parish priest or Pastor for help and guidance.

They are trained to help us, and to discern what we need, and to help guide us with the kind of help that we need, going forward.

As members on the forum, we are not allowed to offer either Medical or Psychological advice or analysis to one another. It is against the Forum Standards.

God bless you! 🙂
 
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:confused: Asking for ways to respectfully broach difficult conversations is seeking medical/psychiatric advice?

We spoke to our parish priest who recommended Retrovaille (which we attended). We are doing really well but there are areas we recognized could use further study and decided to choose books off that program’s recommended reading list. I thought this would be a good place to discuss my confusion.
 
JetteZ said:
:confused: Asking for ways to respectfully broach difficult conversations is seeking medical/psychiatric advice?

We spoke to our parish priest who recommended Retrovaille (which we attended). We are doing really well but there are areas we recognized could use further study and decided to choose books off that program’s recommended reading list. I thought this would be a good place to discuss my confusion.
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It is a shame this book is on there. So wildly inappropraite for the Catholic understanding of marriage. What other books are on there? Any ones that are written by Catholics?
 
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No, my dear.

Sometimes members will generally answer with good intentions and the best of intentions when answering each other, and the information that they give out may contain Medical or Psychological advice.

I wasn’t referring to you, and I’m sorry if I caused any confusion with my comments.
 
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There are several pages of book options; the list does not mention the authors’ religious affiliations.

I can understand why reading those quotes would make most people uncomfortable; however, they are taken grossly out of context. The author is equally demanding on husbands to unconditionally love their wives. I’m hardly an expert on Catholic marriage but mutual submission and maintaining marital vows regardless of the spouse’s actions seems pretty Catholic.
 
From the original example op, you asked your dh what value he gets out of Facebook after you stated you think it’s mean and spiteful.

So u implied he gets value from mean and spiteful things, and somehow you are above him in that regard. That’s what he heard, even if the words were not spoken.

This is not an issue of respect, it is an issue of knowingand developing a skill to converse in ways that do not come off as a criticism.

And your dh should realize that you are asking innocent questions, and you don’t have hidden judgemental motives when conversing.

This is what mutual respect looks like in communication.
 
Katie777 said:
So u implied he gets value from mean and spiteful things, and somehow you are above him in that regard. That’s what he heard, even if the words were not spoken.

This is not an issue of respect, it is an issue of knowing and developing a skill to converse in ways that do not come off as a criticism.
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Thank you; I can see that now.

Wouldn’t conversing in a way that does not come off as criticizing be the loving/respectful way to communicate in a relationship? It feels very similar. The book talks a lot about both spouses assuming good intent and then takes that into a discourse of what looks like from a male/female perspective.

For example, when a husband shuts down a conversation by going silent the wife may feel unloved because he is blocking her out and refusing to understand her; but, to the husband, he is being respectful because he may be trying to calm down and not yell. So, men are called not to stonewall because that is
being unloving and wives are called to give husbands space because that is respectful.

In regards to my husband and this situation, he asked (and was easily granted) my forgiveness for reading too much into what I was saying and allowing negative self-talk to impede his ability to remember that I love him and think very highly of him. It happens to the best of us; myself included 😉

I feel judgments have been made (not just by you) that I resist talking about his role because, at best, I feel disproportionately at fault or, at worst, I am an emotionally abused wife. That simply isn’t true. I don’t feel it is appropriate to talk about him in a negative way, essentially, behind his back. He is a great husband, he has faults and he is working as hard as I am on recognizing and addressing them - he just doesn’t do that here. I think it is very important to take responsibility for my own actions and I posted here to gain clarity in the part I play.
 
Xanthippe_Voorhees said:
This is unacceptable drivel.

Throw out the book, burn it or othrewise destroy it. Get it far from your mind.

No wonder you appear so confused.
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Yes – I agree . Burn, Burn, burn --destroy it.

That book should be reported as dangerous/unfit as a marriage guide.
 
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JetteZ said:
There are several pages of book options; the list does not mention the authors’ religious affiliations.

I can understand why reading those quotes would make most people uncomfortable; however, they are taken grossly out of context. The author is equally demanding on husbands to unconditionally love their wives. I’m hardly an expert on Catholic marriage but mutual submission and maintaining marital vows regardless of the spouse’s actions seems pretty Catholic.
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These quotes don’t need any context.

Without conditions is, without conditions. That means the man gets a free pass.

Respect is a foreign term? Really? Generlizing much?

He also either projects gross incompetantce or gross ignorance when it comes to abuse.

He basically said, “I condemn abuse and I said that it was wrong to go back. She went against what I said because she found my book, took my advice and guess what, the book fixed things.”

NO. NOTHING a woman says or does EVER, EVER EVER makes abuse simply go away.

It is wholly ignorant and deeply irresponsible to hint that her actions ended abusive behavior. Even if he “said” she should not. He’s still touting the idea that his work somehow fixed things.

Even for that one quote the whole rest of this book becomes drivel.
 
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