Help with sister going to college!

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In the Fall of 2014 my sister will begin her freshman year at a fairly large four year public institution. I have been worried about her transition to college, specifically about the decisions she will make concerning the people she will surround herself with. My heart dropped when she told me this week that, she met a random roommate on facebook, with who she would be rushing a sorority with.

I, myself, will be a senior at a different state college this year. I have seen the evils of a sorority and how they glorify EVERYTHING the secular world has to offer. The sororities at my university seem to be very involved in the party scene. Premarital sex, binge drinking, clubing, and an obsession with ones bodily image seems to sum up the culture of sororities.

I have been heavily involved in the Newman center at my university and it has helped me tremendously in my walk with Christ. I have met several lifelong friends who are not only devout Catholics, but who also push me to be the best Christian that I can be. This is all that I want for my sister, for her to be in community with fellow believers.

I approached her yesterday and it was a disaster. She used the whole “I’m an adult I can do whatever I want argument.” Maybe I came off to strong with her? I have so much passion for college campus ministries and I don’t know how to get through to her. I need help please!!! Are there any recent sorority members on here? Any parents with feedback? And please pray for my sister and her college journey. Thank you everyone and God bless.
 
I lost a longer post.

Our local Greeks do a lot of charitable work, both fundraising and volunteering. So I wouldn’t assume that it’s all nonstop SIN-SIN-SIN.

I would drop the issue of sorority membership for the moment, but I would mention that there’s a strong correlation between sorority membership and the danger of sexual assault, so you’d like to know what her thoughts are on that.

I was just looking at an Emory University webpage on Greeks, alcohol and rape, and it’s very startling. I would encourage you to share this URL or something similar with your sister.

studenthealth.emory.edu/hp/respect_program/get_involved/greek%20_life.html

Some quotes:

“A glance at the 2012-2013 Title IX reports collected for Emory University reveals that 48 percent of all reported sexual assaults occurred in a fraternity house, and 53% occurred in “Greek areas””

“Research by Mohler- Kou and colleagues (2004) found that living in a sorority house significantly increased the likelihood of experiencing a sexual assault while intoxicated – or, unable to give legal consent – as well as other sexual assaults when not intoxicated. However, some researchers did not find a relationship between sorority membership and increased risk for sexual assault. For example, based on a study of 674 college and university women from southern postsecondary institutions, Mustaine and Tewksbury’s (2002) findings reveal that it is not sorority membership that increased risk for sexual assault but rather, primarily, proximity or level of exposure that sorority members had to rape-supportive male peer groups.”

“Exploring this finding further, researchers Minow and Einolf (2009) found that 33 percent of sorority women in their study reported they had experienced completed rape in their college career compared with 6 percent of non-sorority women, and 14 percent of sorority women reported experiencing an attempted rape compared with 8 percent of non-sorority women. The researchers were also surprised to find that in a sample consisting of sorority members only, the relationship between attending events where alcohol was served and sexual assault became insignificant when alcohol consumption by sorority members was controlled (Minow and Einolf, 2009.)”

Put very crudely, as a female college student, you can almost eliminate your risk of being raped by not joining a sorority and not drinking on fraternity row.

I wouldn’t put it exactly that way to your sister, but I would share this sort of information with her and she can form her own conclusions.

It’s quite possible that whatever sorority she joins is thinking about this particular problem and working out solutions.
 
It really depends on the sorority. Some only do service as a front for their devious behaivors other mainly just focus on academic honors and volunteering. I would be more concerned about her use of FB to meet people beforehand and assume they will be there for her in the fall. She should just go to college and see the people she meets there rather than locking herself into friendship so to speak.
 
JakeAugustine said:
In the Fall of 2014 my sister will begin her freshman year at a fairly large four year public institution. I have been worried about her transition to college, specifically about the decisions she will make concerning the people she will surround herself with. My heart dropped when she told me this week that, she met a random roommate on facebook, with who she would be rushing a sorority with.

I, myself, will be a senior at a different state college this year. I have seen the evils of a sorority and how they glorify EVERYTHING the secular world has to offer. The sororities at my university seem to be very involved in the party scene. Premarital sex, binge drinking, clubing, and an obsession with ones bodily image seems to sum up the culture of sororities.

I have been heavily involved in the Newman center at my university and it has helped me tremendously in my walk with Christ. I have met several lifelong friends who are not only devout Catholics, but who also push me to be the best Christian that I can be. This is all that I want for my sister, for her to be in community with fellow believers.

I approached her yesterday and it was a disaster. She used the whole “I’m an adult I can do whatever I want argument.” Maybe I came off to strong with her? I have so much passion for college campus ministries and I don’t know how to get through to her. I need help please!!! Are there any recent sorority members on here? Any parents with feedback? And please pray for my sister and her college journey. Thank you everyone and God bless.
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Have you asked her why she wants to join a sorority? Is she worried about making friends, does she feel pressured, etc.? If so, there are a variety of resources or other organizations she could join, and you might make mention of this if you have another discussion with her (ex. Pro-Life Club, Newman Center, volunteering, intramural sports, etc.).
 
Fusiontron said:

“She should just go to college and see the people she meets there rather than locking herself into friendship so to speak.”

That is very smart. A lot of people are VERY different in person.

There should be a list of clubs on campus that she can look at and see what looks interesting. There might be everything from Habitat for Humanity to organized camping and white water trips. There might also be on campus living and learning communities.

The modern campus has so much cheap and discounted fun to offer that it would be a mistake to get locked into one form of “fun.”
 
I suppose that it would be too late in the year to invite her to your school for the weekend and introduce her to your friends at the Newman Center? Can you offer to take her up to her school in the fall (with your parents, possibly) to help her “get settled”? If some of the first people she meets IRL are at the Newman Center and they are friendly, she’ll feel more comfortable going over there. But be more inviting towards her and less “telling.”

Other than that, I would not bug her. My younger children hated it when the older ones bugged them. But certainly you can talk about your college experiences, and maybe check out a book called How to Stay Catholic in College and if you like it *ask your parents to give it to her. *Don’t you do it–believe me, it will be seen much differently, esp if it’s your father who gives it to her.

The most important thing you can do is to maintain a good relationship with your sister so that she will have someone she trusts to turn to when she needs it, so be careful how you handle her finding her independence.
 
You don’t want to come at it from the vantage point of “Here are all the bad things you better not get involved in.”

A better approach would be to come at it from a positive place: “Here are all the cool things you can get involved in – like the college Newman Center”.

Since you say you already crashed-and-burned, it might be a little too soon to bring it up again. You’ll have to feel out the situation and maybe even discern whether or not you need to apologize to her for your past approach and then vow to take a better approach going forward.

She’s not going to listen to you if she thinks you are just trying to tell her what to do. You want her to think of you as a resource for her, not as an enforcer.
 
I also want to reinforce that I wouldn’t worry so much about the sorority. The start of the semester is a long way away. Once she actually gets to campus, everything will likely change. Drastically change. Many times. 😛

Knowing that you oppose the idea might only to serve to sustain her interest in rushing when it would otherwise pass and be replaced by something else.
 
Your mileage may vary, depending on the sorority and the school.

My sister’s was relatively positive, the problems that the OP mentioned weren’t so prevalent in her experience.
 
Thank you everyone for the replies I really appreciate it! When she first told me she was going to rush I began to panic and the conversation eventually resulted in her yelling at me for trying to help her make her own decisions. I do not know why she wants to rush? I tried to ask her several times and she never answered me. I believe its because of the “guaranteed friendship” aspect of a sorority. I have seen her grow a lot in her faith during her senior year of H.S and I fear a sorority wouldn’t help her grow much.

I have tried, but not hard enough, to get her to come up for an event at my Newman center but it didn’t work out. This is probably my biggest regret as words are cheap and I wish I could have shown her what its like to be involved.

She has shown interest in joining the Newman center at her college. I am just worried a sorority would prevent her from getting involved at Newman. I tend to see things in black in white sometimes. Am I over exaggerating the issue?
 
Spiritually my dad is not in the picture and she is not very receptive to my mom, leaving faith formation to me. I am the only person that is pressing her to join the Newman center and to say no to sorority life. I will also try to give her the book “How to Stay Catholic in College.” I provide her with lots of religious items and she doesn’t seem to mind.
 
JakeAugustine said:
In the Fall of 2014 my sister will begin her freshman year at a fairly large four year public institution. I have been worried about her transition to college, specifically about the decisions she will make concerning the people she will surround herself with. My heart dropped when she told me this week that, she met a random roommate on facebook, with who she would be rushing a sorority with.

I, myself, will be a senior at a different state college this year. I have seen the evils of a sorority and how they glorify EVERYTHING the secular world has to offer. The sororities at my university seem to be very involved in the party scene. Premarital sex, binge drinking, clubing, and an obsession with ones bodily image seems to sum up the culture of sororities.

I have been heavily involved in the Newman center at my university and it has helped me tremendously in my walk with Christ. I have met several lifelong friends who are not only devout Catholics, but who also push me to be the best Christian that I can be. This is all that I want for my sister, for her to be in community with fellow believers.

I approached her yesterday and it was a disaster. She used the whole “I’m an adult I can do whatever I want argument.” Maybe I came off to strong with her? I have so much passion for college campus ministries and I don’t know how to get through to her. I need help please!!! Are there any recent sorority members on here? Any parents with feedback? And please pray for my sister and her college journey. Thank you everyone and God bless.
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Praying to the Holy Spirit to give your sister guidance & direction in college journey.
 
JakeAugustine said:
Thank you everyone for the replies I really appreciate it! When she first told me she was going to rush I began to panic and the conversation eventually resulted in her yelling at me for trying to help her make her own decisions. I do not know why she wants to rush? I tried to ask her several times and she never answered me. I believe its because of the “guaranteed friendship” aspect of a sorority. I have seen her grow a lot in her faith during her senior year of H.S and I fear a sorority wouldn’t help her grow much.

I have tried, but not hard enough, to get her to come up for an event at my Newman center but it didn’t work out. This is probably my biggest regret as words are cheap and I wish I could have shown her what its like to be involved.

She has shown interest in joining the Newman center at her college. I am just worried a sorority would prevent her from getting involved at Newman. I tend to see things in black in white sometimes. Am I over exaggerating the issue?
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Definitely do not paint it as an either/or decision. Someone could do both.

And do not panic. Once she actually gets to campus, she may decide on her own that she’d prefer to spend more time involved at the Newman Center and less time at the sorority. If her faith life is starting to blossom and she has already expressed interest in the Newman Center, pray that she will meet good people who will foster that desire even more.

As others have said, though, not all sororities are evil dens of iniquity to be rejected out of hand. You won’t be helping your cause if you paint that type of picture.

You cannot control her decision. Do not try. Pray for her. Be an example. Be a resource for her to rely on and turn to. And trust that she will find her way.
 
My DD went to a small, Catholic all-girls prep school and then to a large public university 13 hours from home. I think rushing a sorority was a great help to her in making friends, and feeling comfortable.

She found a sorority that fit her personality. There was an emphasis on good grades and a great deal of charitable work. One project she organized and headed up was probably instrumental in her being able to find a good job when she graduated. The sorority “house” was a floor in one of the school’s dorms. They did have a healthy social life, but heavy drinking was strongly discouraged. The sorority provided buses for their off-campus social events and the girls were required to use it.

DD’s school-assigned roommate freshman year was a disaster; her boyfriend would come to visit for long weekends and once stayed for almost two weeks. This meant DD either had to find some place else to stay or be privy to their sexual exploits. (She was in an all-female dorm and men were forbidden to be there fate a certain hour. She addressed this with the RA, who basically told her to handle it herself.). At semester break, she switched rooms to live with one of her sorority sisters, with whom she is still close almost fifteen years later. I doubt that she would have stayed at this school if she did not have the friendship of her sorority sisters to sustain her. All of her sorority friends were nice young women who have good jobs and good marriages. They were not air heads or party girls. DD is a good practicing Catholic who sends her DS to Catholic school.

I think your DS resents your attempts to influence her decision because she sees as an indication that you don’t feel she is capable of making good decisions for herself and that you think you know better than she does. You made your own way in college and she wants to be able to do the same.

I encouraged DD to become involved with the Newman Center at her university; I think doing that may have influenced her decision not to. One of the goals of a college education is to become an independent adult, which is what your DS is attempting to do. You can’t live her life for her and be the Big Sister forever if you want to stay close and have a good relationship with her. If hearing about how much you’ve gained from the Catholic community at your school and how much you’ve enjoyed the association for three years hasn’t influenced her, you just have to “let go and let God” handle this.
 
Book_Worm said:
My DD went to a small, Catholic all-girls prep school and then to a large public university 13 hours from home. I think rushing a sorority was a great help to her in making friends, and feeling comfortable.

She found a sorority that fit her personality. There was an emphasis on good grades and a great deal of charitable work. One project she organized and headed up was probably instrumental in her being able to find a good job when she graduated. The sorority “house” was a floor in one of the school’s dorms. They did have a healthy social life, but heavy drinking was strongly discouraged. The sorority provided buses for their off-campus social events and the girls were required to use it.

DD’s school-assigned roommate freshman year was a disaster; her boyfriend would come to visit for long weekends and once stayed for almost two weeks. This meant DD either had to find some place else to stay or be privy to their sexual exploits. (She was in an all-female dorm and men were forbidden to be there fate a certain hour. She addressed this with the RA, who basically told her to handle it herself.). At semester break, she switched rooms to live with one of her sorority sisters, with whom she is still close almost fifteen years later. I doubt that she would have stayed at this school if she did not have the friendship of her sorority sisters to sustain her. All of her sorority friends were nice young women who have good jobs and good marriages. They were not air heads or party girls. DD is a good practicing Catholic who sends her DS to Catholic school.

I think your DS resents your attempts to influence her decision because she sees as an indication that you don’t feel she is capable of making good decisions for herself and that you think you know better than she does. You made your own way in college and she wants to be able to do the same.

I encouraged DD to become involved with the Newman Center at her university; I think doing that may have influenced her decision not to. One of the goals of a college education is to become an independent adult, which is what your DS is attempting to do. You can’t live her life for her and be the Big Sister forever if you want to stay close and have a good relationship with her. If hearing about how much you’ve gained from the Catholic community at your school and how much you’ve enjoyed the association for three years hasn’t influenced her, you just have to “let go and let God” handle this.
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Wow thank you so much Book Worm, I needed to hear that. My sister appears in the same situation as your DD. I think my sister does resent my attempts to influence her college decisions concerning what social groups to join. Do you think I should drop the subject completely? I am continuing to pray for her and I hope God hears my petitions.
 
JakeAugustine said:
Wow thank you so much Book Worm, I needed to hear that. My sister appears in the same situation as your DD. I think my sister does resent my attempts to influence her college decisions concerning what social groups to join. Do you think I should drop the subject completely? I am continuing to pray for her and I hope God hears my petitions.
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I definitely think you should drop the subject 🙂 It may only push her away, not only from any Catholic involvement but from you as well.

Another thing I thought about is that girls are a lot different from boys. My husband and sons have taken my daughters to all-girl events and have been astounded at the girliness! To me it’s very normal, and the nonchalance of the boys’s events is odd. They don’t seem happy to see each other (because they are not screaming and jumping up and down and hugging each other ;)) Your sister may well be better off in a good sorority than lonely and isolated, which might turn her more to boys.
 
Greek life varies SO much from organization to organization, and from campus to campus. I went to a mid-sized university in the midwest with a major Greek presence on the campus.

I did not join a sorority until my Senior year, and it was honestly the best decision I made- and I regret not rushing sooner.

I did not once drink with my sorority sisters. On a Friday night you could often find us at a sporting event cheering on our fellow classmates, or at the sorority house doing crafts, watching movies, doing each others nails, etc. Whenever you’re talking about a large group of people you’re going to have cliques. Were there the girls who “went hard at the clubs” every weekend. Yes. However those girls didn’t last long- they often ended up being brought up in front of the judicial board for violating our organization’s standards and policies. Underage drinking was not condoned. There was no alcohol allowed in the house (we had an entire wing of a dorm to ourselves) and our adivsors would conduct random dorm checks to assure compliance. No boys were allowed into the bedrooms, and no boys were allowed to stay overnight in the house. They could visit public/common areas only, and had to leave by 11:00 PM unless it was a relative of a sister (brother, cousin, nephew).

My chapter had around 100 members, and several of the sisters were Catholic. We attended Mass together on campus every week, and we had mandatory study hours and did an incredible amount of fundraising and other philanthropic community service. I am still good friends with many of the ladies I met during my year as an active member, and have remained connected with the local alumnae association where I live now.

Obviously I cannot speak to the rituals/traditions/secrets of sororities (my own included) but what I can share is that the sorority I am a member of was founded on Christian ideals and devotions, scripture, and hymns play a large role in all of our meetings and ceremonies.

Continue to pray for your sister, but please keep an open mind. This might be a very fulfilling and enriching experience for her- one that will allow her to make connections with women from across the country and around the globe who can help her grow personally and professionally for years to come!
 
Does your sister have a history of making good decisions or of making bad decisions? If she is overall a good kid with solid values, take a deep breath, keep praying, and give her the benefit of the doubt. There is nothing inherently good or bad with going through rush and joining (or rushing and deciding not to join) a fraternity or sorority.
 
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