Help with Sister-in-law

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bzkoss236

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Some of you may know that I’ve had some issues with my in-laws in the past, but this is something different. This is something that I’m siding with my in-laws on and we are all distraught and don’t know what to do.

I had mentioned long ago about my sister-in-law (who I called ‘R’) who is seeking to divorce her husband and all the drama that surrounded it. Here’s a link to that thread if you are interested in more of the back story:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=707019

Well, R recently (or at least seems like recently to everyone else in the family) started a dating relationship with a guy my wife’s age (my wife is 23 and R is 35). R claims she didn’t really want to date him, but “he insisted”. 🤷 😦 :confused:

At a recent family gathering, we noticed a shiny and sparkly ring on her RIGHT hand that we didn’t notice before. My brother-in-law’s wife mentioned something about it, asking if there was a story behind it. R’s oldest son said, “There is, but she won’t tell us”.

Today, out of curiosity, I checked R’s Facebook profile, and sure enough, under the ‘About Me’ section, “Engaged to”…

Both my mother-in-law and father-in-law have had talks with R about this and what God’s plan for marriage is. R knows we don’t approve, though she wants us to. But she is still not divorced yet! And with me being Catholic, and the type if guy her husband is, in my mind they are still married (even if they get divorced).

She’s in a major downward spiral… And none of us know what to do.

I would appreciate prayers and advice.
 
“But she is still not divorced yet! And with me being Catholic, and the type if guy her husband is, in my mind they are still married (even if they get divorced).”

She’s endangering her custody of her kids. Does she understand that?
 
Xantippe said:
“But she is still not divorced yet! And with me being Catholic, and the type if guy her husband is, in my mind they are still married (even if they get divorced).”

She’s endangering her custody of her kids. Does she understand that?
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What’s worse is that her kids are adopted who were at one time in a severely broken home… she’s just making it worse for them. The youngest has shown a drop in grades at school since the whole thing started. And has stolen things from people’s houses…

And, it seems like anytime the kids are over for a family gathering, they are grounded for one thing or another, which could be from either bad parenting or the kids acting out.
 
R had a traumatic brain injury from an accident, yes? She may legitimately be a different person now and she may legitimately not remember a time when she and her husband were in love and what lead them to marriage. In fact, according to the other thread, she married AFTER the accident and has been healing slowly but steadily since the accident. Arguably, she may not have married the man she married had she been further along in recovery. No matter what is really going on, R is an adult woman and is free to live her life as she sees fit. There isn’t much the family can do other than pray for her and offer her advice.

As far as the children, a “broken home” alone doesn’t get parental rights terminated and allow children to be adopted by someone else. There would have had to have been serious abuse, neglect, maybe even addiction and/or more for the state to terminate both parents parental rights.

I am going to assume that, even though there is a divorce in progress, the children are being cared for and are not being abused or neglected. As long as both R and her soon-to-be former husband can put aside whatever issues caused the breakdown of their marriage and are civil and willing to work together as parents, I think the kids will be ok.

From my point of view, if a marriage has gone bad and there are constant arguments, resentment, and deep unhappiness on the part of the parents the children are better served by a separation or divorce. Kids are perceptive and they know a lot more about what goes on in a household than most adults give them credit for. Even if you put a good face on it when the kids are around and save arguments for when the kids are in bed and you’re alone together, I can assure you the kids know. A miserable marriage between unhappy and feuding parents can do a lot more damage to kids than an amicable divorce and two parents who can work together as friends to raise them. It’s not the ideal, but it’s better than living in a tense, resentful, unhappy atmosphere.

No, she isn’t divorced yet and being “engaged” to a new man is morally wrong. However, she is an adult and there isn’t much you or the husbands family can do there, either. Harping on it might just make her distance herself and the children from the family.
 
MJJean said:
R had a traumatic brain injury from an accident, yes? She may legitimately be a different person now and she may legitimately not remember a time when she and her husband were in love and what lead them to marriage. In fact, according to the other thread, she married AFTER the accident and has been healing slowly but steadily since the accident. Arguably, she may not have married the man she married had she been further along in recovery. No matter what is really going on, R is an adult woman and is free to live her life as she sees fit. There isn’t much the family can do other than pray for her and offer her advice.

As far as the children, a “broken home” alone doesn’t get parental rights terminated and allow children to be adopted by someone else. There would have had to have been serious abuse, neglect, maybe even addiction and/or more for the state to terminate both parents parental rights.

I am going to assume that, even though there is a divorce in progress, the children are being cared for and are not being abused or neglected. As long as both R and her soon-to-be former husband can put aside whatever issues caused the breakdown of their marriage and are civil and willing to work together as parents, I think the kids will be ok.

From my point of view, if a marriage has gone bad and there are constant arguments, resentment, and deep unhappiness on the part of the parents the children are better served by a separation or divorce. Kids are perceptive and they know a lot more about what goes on in a household than most adults give them credit for. Even if you put a good face on it when the kids are around and save arguments for when the kids are in bed and you’re alone together, I can assure you the kids know. A miserable marriage between unhappy and feuding parents can do a lot more damage to kids than an amicable divorce and two parents who can work together as friends to raise them. It’s not the ideal, but it’s better than living in a tense, resentful, unhappy atmosphere.

No, she isn’t divorced yet and being “engaged” to a new man is morally wrong. However, she is an adult and there isn’t much you or the husbands family can do there, either. Harping on it might just make her distance herself and the children from the family.
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I’d have to ask my wife, but I can’t remember if she was dating her soon-to-be ex-husband before or after the accident. But she did marry after the accident.
 
bzkoss236 said:
Some of you may know that I’ve had some issues with my in-laws in the past, but this is something different. This is something that I’m siding with my in-laws on and we are all distraught and don’t know what to do.

I had mentioned long ago about my sister-in-law (who I called ‘R’) who is seeking to divorce her husband and all the drama that surrounded it. Here’s a link to that thread if you are interested in more of the back story:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=707019

Well, R recently (or at least seems like recently to everyone else in the family) started a dating relationship with a guy my wife’s age (my wife is 23 and R is 35). R claims she didn’t really want to date him, but “he insisted”. 🤷 😦 :confused:

At a recent family gathering, we noticed a shiny and sparkly ring on her RIGHT hand that we didn’t notice before. My brother-in-law’s wife mentioned something about it, asking if there was a story behind it. R’s oldest son said, “There is, but she won’t tell us”.

Today, out of curiosity, I checked R’s Facebook profile, and sure enough, under the ‘About Me’ section, “Engaged to”…

Both my mother-in-law and father-in-law have had talks with R about this and what God’s plan for marriage is. R knows we don’t approve, though she wants us to. But she is still not divorced yet! And with me being Catholic, and the type if guy her husband is, in my mind they are still married (even if they get divorced).

She’s in a major downward spiral… And none of us know what to do.

I would appreciate prayers and advice.
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I got a warning about the link, I don’t know how you posted it, but I just went to your history of threads and read about your SIL that way.

She’s had a TBI. She’s not going to be “normal” any more. Even if you think she’s recovered from that, it’s pretty obvious that her behavior suggests that she’s still brain-injured. There really isn’t much you can do. She may leave a string of relationships from now on. Brain-injured people don’t do relationships very well - they are impulsive, can be emotional, don’t have enough memory to keep them committed. It’s not a good deal for the kids, but what can you do? I hope R gets custody but she would be able to visit even if he does.

😦

She may actually be closer in maturity to the age of her fiance’… 😦
 
bzkoss236 said:
Oh, I posted the link as https instead of http. That’s why you got the warning…

Well, her ‘fiance’ doesn’t seem that mature either, though he is a cop…
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OK, then. Their relationship may not make it either. They may make it to the altar but then again, maybe not. It’s unpredictable with brain-injured people. She’s unlikely to ever be the person she was before the accident. The best you can do is support her kids as much as you can, and pray for her. Who knows what her fiance’ sees in her…🤷
 
TheRealJuliane said:
OK, then. Their relationship may not make it either. They may make it to the altar but then again, maybe not. It’s unpredictable with brain-injured people. She’s unlikely to ever be the person she was before the accident. The best you can do is support her kids as much as you can, and pray for her. Who knows what her fiance’ sees in her…🤷
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I try my best to be a role model for the boys. I’ll just keep praying.
 
bzkoss236 said:
I’d have to ask my wife, but I can’t remember if she was dating her soon-to-be ex-husband before or after the accident. But she did marry after the accident.
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Marrying after the brain injury could actually give her grounds for a Decree of Nullity once the civil divorce is final. It could be very convincingly argued that she wouldn’t have made the decision to marry had she not been injured. The reason I suggest this is that you seemed concerned that she doesn’t attend church anymore and has fallen away from her faith. It’s possible she thinks the Church would turn it’s back on her because of the divorce and that is why she no longer goes. It’s pretty common for divorced people to think that. At low times in our lives we tend to underestimate the love and forgiveness of God and the Church.

Maybe, if someone suggested she speak to her priest about the timeline of the traumatic brain injury and her marriage, she would be told she has grounds for annulment and that she is still welcome in the Church. Divorced people can still receive the Sacraments as long as they haven’t remarried before obtaining a Decree of Nullity. Once she has an annulment she would then be free to remarry in the faith and so would her ex-husband. Perhaps, knowing this, she would start attending Mass again. That would mean she would be raising the kids Catholic and that she would have the support and guidance of the Church.
 
MJJean said:
Marrying after the brain injury could actually give her grounds for a Decree of Nullity once the civil divorce is final. It could be very convincingly argued that she wouldn’t have made the decision to marry had she not been injured. The reason I suggest this is that you seemed concerned that she doesn’t attend church anymore and has fallen away from her faith. It’s possible she thinks the Church would turn it’s back on her because of the divorce and that is why she no longer goes. It’s pretty common for divorced people to think that. At low times in our lives we tend to underestimate the love and forgiveness of God and the Church.

Maybe, if someone suggested she speak to her priest about the timeline of the traumatic brain injury and her marriage, she would be told she has grounds for annulment and that she is still welcome in the Church. Divorced people can still receive the Sacraments as long as they haven’t remarried before obtaining a Decree of Nullity. Once she has an annulment she would then be free to remarry in the faith and so would her ex-husband. Perhaps, knowing this, she would start attending Mass again. That would mean she would be raising the kids Catholic and that she would have the support and guidance of the Church.
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My wife’s family is protestant, so she wouldn’t seek a decree of nullity.
 
An update:

Divorce was finalized…
She and her fiance are planning on getting married the 22nd…

Wife told me that it was in fact after the accident that her and her ex started dating.

Prayers are appriciated
 
I have kinda been on the sister-in-law’s end.

My thoughts are to be kind to her and show her some strong Christian love. Judging her, etc. is going to push her away. She needs to be shown good role models.

Just my 2 cents. 🙂
 
bzkoss236 said:
She’s in a major downward spiral… And none of us know what to do.

I would appreciate prayers and advice.
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I’m not sure there’s much you can do. I take it people have voiced their opinion to her already?
 
bzkoss236 said:
An update:

Divorce was finalized…
She and her fiance are planning on getting married the 22nd…

Wife told me that it was in fact after the accident that her and her ex started dating.

Prayers are appriciated
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Do you happen to know the religion of the fiancee? Do you have a decent relationship with the SIL and/or her fiancee?

If i were involved in such a situation I might be tempted to sit down with both of them and suggest they delay their marriage a bit. Just to give the SIL more time to heal from the brain injury and from the divorce. As she continues to heal from the brain injury her personality and what she wants to do may change further. And, even though some do not realize it, it does take time after a divorce is granted to fully heal and finish grieving for the failed marriage.

If these things were suggested kindly and without judgement, but with caring and concern, the couple might take them into consideration and wait a bit to make sure they are making the right decision.
 
MJJean said:
Do you happen to know the religion of the fiancee? Do you have a decent relationship with the SIL and/or her fiancee?

If i were involved in such a situation I might be tempted to sit down with both of them and suggest they delay their marriage a bit. Just to give the SIL more time to heal from the brain injury and from the divorce. As she continues to heal from the brain injury her personality and what she wants to do may change further. And, even though some do not realize it, it does take time after a divorce is granted to fully heal and finish grieving for the failed marriage.

If these things were suggested kindly and without judgement, but with caring and concern, the couple might take them into consideration and wait a bit to make sure they are making the right decision.
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That’s the thing, we don’t know much of anything about the fiance. We don’t know his faith background, or even where he went to school.

I personally don’t have as much of a relationship with R, but my wife does.

What we’ve decided:
We both will hang out with R, her fiance, and her two boys when they are in the area for vacation. But, I will not attend the wedding on the 22nd. My wife will, but has made it clear to R that she will go because she loves and supports R and the boys, but does not approve of her recent decisions. We will both do our best to love on and be welcoming to R’s soon-to-be ‘husband’ (since I don’t know the state of her first marriage). And hopefully mend the ties between R and the rest of the family.
 
bzkoss236 said:
That’s the thing, we don’t know much of anything about the fiance. We don’t know his faith background, or even where he went to school.

I personally don’t have as much of a relationship with R, but my wife does.

What we’ve decided:
We both will hang out with R, her fiance, and her two boys when they are in the area for vacation. But, I will not attend the wedding on the 22nd. My wife will, but has made it clear to R that she will go because she loves and supports R and the boys, but does not approve of her recent decisions. We will both do our best to love on and be welcoming to R’s soon-to-be ‘husband’ (since I don’t know the state of her first marriage). And hopefully mend the ties between R and the rest of the family.
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Best of luck with your decision. You and your wife are doing what you can for R and that is all anyone can ask.
 
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