help with son

[LisaE]

Hello all?
I am new here, but I really need some advice. My wonderful 17 year old son has not been so wonderful lately. We have had a falling out because of a girl that he has been dating. At the beginning we really did like her and she was accepted into the home…then she went on to college and started drinking and in one of her drinking binges she supposedly…fell asleep with another guy in her bed. She doesnt remember a thing. Well my son was furious at first and called it off …she never let him go she kept calling him and calling him…he finally gave in and they are back together. Well last week he had a blowout in his car…transporting her wherever she needs to go. We refuse to buy him a tire now. I also found a box of “emergency contraception” which I confronted him about. He had such an ugyl attitude now…he said “Why are you looking in my car?” He did not talk to me all weekend long…and yesterday i found out that he had been skipping school…so i asked him for the car keys…he was very upset and to make a long story short …he started cussing me out and i told him to lower his voice and not to disrespect me …he got louder. i then told him to leave that I could not handle his ugliness anymore. He cussed me out more and through on the couch and left. My husband and father in law actually talked to him and brought him back home. He apologized, but its just not the same anymore. All I can think about is the look on his face and the hurtful words. I dont like this girl because she back talks to her parents all the time. I feel she is going to ruin my sons life and our familys relationship with him … Any advice

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I feel she is going to ruin my sons life and our familys relationship with him … Any advice

**
Your son knows this. Kids at that age often do opposite of what their parents want just because (or at least that’s what I did). And if my parents said anything negative about my boyfriend of the time I would have defended him to the death and just held on tighter.

So, my advice is that you stop blaming the girl. Put the blame on your son where it belongs. HE yelled and cursed at you. HE has the contraception. HE was disrespectful.

I think you and your hubby have to sit him down and have a conversation about his behavior. Leave the girlfriend out of it. I know that she is a huge part of the problem but he needs to come to that realization on his own. Right now your husband needs to reiterate what it means to be a good man and that starts by respecting you as his mom. You need to have a heart to heart with him and let him know that he is growing up and you respect his right to make his own choices but that her also needs to be responsible for them.

That’s all I’ve got…sorry if it’s not helpful to you…

malia**

 

[4blessings]

I think that was very well said Malia. I also think that if you go about it as Malia suggested and not making it about the girl to him, he is going to be more receptive of it.
I have been there, done that with this same situation with my son at that age. He is now 20 and we are finally have our close relationship again and he is so wonderful to be around now. You and your son will be in my prayers.

 

[newbetx]

Hello all?
I am new here, but I really need some advice. My wonderful 17 year old son has not been so wonderful lately.

He apologized, but its just not the same anymore. All I can think about is the look on his face and the hurtful words. I dont like this girl because she back talks to her parents all the time. I feel she is going to ruin my sons life and our familys relationship with him … Any advice

Wow… Sorry that you are having these troubles… worse than at my place, for sure… but our “independent thinker” is only 15…
Teenage boys are a challenge and you have my prayers and sympathy…

But I can see you are doing a lot of the right things already! It’s wearing and I understand that… But don’t give up!

Not sure of the minor/adult rules of your state, but there may be some ability to keep her at bay if she is considered an adult and he a minor… check with the local police office for assistance there. She most definately is controlling and he is at an age where what mama wants is not what he wants to hear.

Stand firm… (and pray!) He may not change. That you must realize. And it’s not your fault if you try to get him to live properly and HE fails. You need to realize he’s almost a man and is pretty much responsible for his mistakes. I really think that when my wife tells my son that she is hurt by him that it makes things worse… I’ve been working on “this is what you need to do…” language rather than “I want you to do…” My son and I do pretty well together, still. Wife and he have a power struggle. Make sense? Take away their power to control you/your emotions and I’ve seen that work wonders. Try to turn focus on the problem…not the person.

Do the best you can to be clear as to the rules while you are responsible for him. If his Dad can lay it out there, then that might be better. And Stick to the rules. Tell him “Nothing personal, just my job as Mom…” That’s what we’re doing here with some success. But there isn’t a girl in the picture right now.

I hope this helps YOU… Remember you can only control yourself and your responses to others. Some days it take every bit of my energy…

Peace

 

[teme]

I’m sorry hear about your situation. Oddly, what you posted could have been written by my parents several years ago. I did “get better”, and now have kids at 10, 4, 2 and T-2 weeks). Although my parents’ handling of the situation drove me away for quite some time, our relationship is now excellent. However, I know those years were very difficult for them and me.

In my case, the girlfriend was a symptom, rather than the actual issue. I met a girl, became very close - too close, and problems between me and my parents skyrocketed. In reality, my parents were right to be concerned about my relationship with the girl. My relationship took me to sins and places I would be better having missed. But, rather than realizing the relationship for what it was, I thought I was with my future wife, so what’s a little sex going to hurt… Remember, at 17, he’s exploring the world, and wants to be an adult. While he needs to know the boundries, he needs to feel in control. Easier said than done, but let him know you respect his choices, decisions, and him, while also stressing what is acceptable behavior from a man. He may think he’s a man living under boy’s rules; so you need to express what things men are expected to do.

Like others have said, it’s probably best not to include the girl, or references to her, in your conversations with him. In my case, I interpreted my parents’ displeasure in her, as displeasure in me. Why? because I chose her, and thought she was my future bride, and if they didn’t accept that, I must not be loved. And, I thought I was smarter than my parents, doing nothing wrong, and they were trying to keep me from finding my true love so I would be stuck with them forever. Sounds crazy, but as an adult, I realize that is exactly what (other than hormones) was guiding my actions and response.

Try to keep in mind that he wants to be an adult, and what he interprets as controlling and obtrusive behavior is getting in his way (he thinks). Now would be a great time to speak with him about responsibility, jobs, acceptable relationships, and thinking long term. Pushing him away from the girl is going to push him away from you. Keep him close, and she’ll eventually lose interest.

 

[LisaE]

Thank you all for the advice…it has helped me! I am going to try to find a talk to a priest that we used to have and see if he can visit with us and my son. I did tell my husband that I was not going to tell him anything about his girlfriend but I was not going to help him with anything “extra”. This morning he hugged me and said he loved me and all I could do was cry ! I did hug him back and gave him a blessing and told him that I loved him too, but all I can think about is how he looked at me and cussed at me. Will I ever get over feeling like that? Thanks again everybody I do appreciate all your responses!

 

[CB_Catholic]

Thank you all for the advice…it has helped me! I am going to try to find a talk to a priest that we used to have and see if he can visit with us and my son. I did tell my husband that I was not going to tell him anything about his girlfriend but I was not going to help him with anything “extra”. This morning he hugged me and said he loved me and all I could do was cry ! I did hug him back and gave him a blessing and told him that I loved him too, but all I can think about is how he looked at me and cussed at me. Will I ever get over feeling like that? Thanks again everybody I do appreciate all your responses!

I don’t know what it is about that age group, around 17 to 19, but we had similar problems with my son at that age. There was no girl involved, he just started acting like he hated us, and became really nasty. And I’ve heard my friends complain about their sons, too. After graduation, when he went to college (in our town), he moved out and moved into a really filthy fraternity house on campus. And just as suddenly, about 2 years later, he turned nice again One time I thought he was going to literally kill his sister, and my husband physically pulled him away and had a severe talk with him about his temper. (He never was a violent kid). We never did find out what was bothering him. I considered drugs, but couldn’t find any evidence, and he always hated them and would not associate with other kids who were using them. He just apparently grew out of this and worked it out.

I think your son will be ok because he knows he’s loved and has parents who support him. It’s just going to take a lot of patience. But I wouldn’t put up with the cussing and outright disrespect–I’d let him know it is unacceptable behavior.