Help with what to do

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immediately call the diocese and ask to speak to the vicar for priests or the chancellor and report the incident, and ask for directions on how to report it in writing. If anything of a criminal nature occured, also file a police report. For future guidance, a woman has no business going off alone for the day in a secluded are with any man who is not her husband, priest or not. If this person did or said anything wrong to you, it is not your fault, and not a matter for confession so that does not arise.
 
I just got off the phone with the Abuse Advocate…I was able to talk to her without giving her my name. The paper work process is worse enough…they sometimes call in lawyers…I know most of these people. Isn’t their just a way of sending in a letter or something and by-passing the reports? I just want to tell someone to watch this guy and be done with the ceremonial acts…Has anyone been through this process before?
 
Sounds to me like you have been traumatized by a terribly frightening and unexpected event. You have been victimized. As such, some of your feelings right now are those that accompany victimization. Your rural living situation and knowing much of the community only compounds your anguish. You want it to just all go away. You wish it would have never happened.

There are a lot of good suggestions here and I’m glad to see that most everyone is in agreement that the priest should be held accountable for the protection of other potential victims as well as the Church.

I would suggest you discuss the matter with your husband and seek his full support in your decision. If you choose to pursue this, I would bring the matter to the arch-diocese with the stipulation that if you are in the least bit mistreated, you will both procure an attorney and release the information to the press. It is not likely that this will be necessary, but it is important that you show both your outrage and your seriousness in this matter so that you will be shown the utmost courtesy and that your concerns will be fully addressed.
 
If I walk in there staing that I will get an lawyer, doesn’t that saound like I have little faith in the Church?? Will anyone at the Church be on “my side” first? Or, are they just situated to look like they are helping but really they are protecting their own?
 
Those are very good questions. The answers are uncertain. My hope is that the people you will encounter will possess integrity and a full sense of Christian purpose and act in a just and compassionate manner.

However, I have been around long enough (as I suspect you have) to know that this is not always the case- or else you wouldn’t be wondering about this very thing.

My approach would not be to go in “threatening” with a lawyer, but rather be genuine in your hurt and outrage over the situation. You might mention that someone has suggested you get an attorney and have them handle the matter, but as a person of Faith, you wished to handle the matter discretely and within the proper channels of the Church.

I think this does three things: a) it allows you a proper and therapeutic venue through which you can express your true feelings about the situation, b) it lets them know covertly you are serious and that if not handled correctly they could be in court and the media in the drop of a hat, and c) it presents you as a person of Faith in the Church that will encourage them to act in your best interest; you have extended them the courtesy of discretion and they know you can withdraw that at any time, resulting in the exposure of the original incident as well as any potential mishandling of the situation by the diocese.

I think it would be important for you to know ahead of time exactly what type of results or remedy you’re looking for. I think this would need to be communicated to the diocese so they know what actions they will need to take to resolve the situation.

Hope this helps.
 
Thank you for your comments. I had not thought about the remedy…that is something to think about.

That at least made me smile…could taking a baseball bat and samshing Father’s desk and office furniture to death without uttering a word be a remedy…it would make me feel better and I could just ‘call it even with the diosese’!

Relax. I not going to but I would love to have the Priest explain what all the fuss was about to the Bishop.

I will keep thinking.
🙂
 
If beating his furniture to pieces were all it took for the diocese to put this matter to rest, I guarantee the Bishop will hand you the bat himself! He’d probably even give you a swing or two at the Priest and grant you absolution on the spot! LOL

Be sure to talk about this to someone you trust. Maybe even a counselor. You have suffered a serious violation. It may not seem so in a physical sense, but very much so in a spiritual sense.

You’ve experienced betrayal by both an individual, and a representative of the very Church that you seem to hold most dear to you. This makes it a very serious matter and could explain the severity of the trauma you may be feeling.

Take time to process all this. Maybe write in a journal or do something creative. These things help us to process difficult emotions and experiences so that we can ultimately make sense of it all and become “at peace” with them.

Good luck.
 
You have to go to your bishop. Pray for the strength; the Lord will be with you.
 
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rice55:
Can I speak of it during confession, therefore sealing the information, but, letting the Bishop know non the less- or, is that abusing the act of confession?
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No.

First, you can’t confess HIS sin.

Second, even if you talked about it in confession, unless you confessed to the Bishop himself he would never hear of it as what is said in confession is sealed.

Go to the proper diocesan office and report it. I don’t know how we can be any clearer.
 
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rice55:
I just got off the phone with the Abuse Advocate…I was able to talk to her without giving her my name. The paper work process is worse enough…they sometimes call in lawyers…I know most of these people. Isn’t their just a way of sending in a letter or something and by-passing the reports? I just want to tell someone to watch this guy and be done with the ceremonial acts…Has anyone been through this process before?
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Look this may sound harsh but: What is wrong with you?

Everyone here has given you good advice, empathy, and concern. Yet we all know that you must report this man for his good and the good of the parish. If you are having trauma from this, get counseling, get support from your husband. But, don’d continue to be a victim by letting this incident control your life.

You are a 37 year old woman. Stand up for yourself and the parish. File the report. The diocese cannot act on anonymous reports and letters. You need to file a report.

You are so worried about what other people will think that you keep trying to talk yourself, and us, out of the need to what is necessary and what you know to be the right thing to do.

Like Nike says: Just Do It.

Nothing would stop me from marching myself to the diocesan office and raising the biggest stink you’ve ever seen. I think if you just do it, you will vanquish all the fears. You fear a lot of things, ostracism among them, and I don’t think that will materialize.

Just take it one step at a time.
 
Use commen sense, REPORT HIM, MAKE SURE HE GETS PREOSECUTED, AND FIND A NEW PARISH.
 
YOU are the one that has been chosen to correct this evil, follow through. As long as you remain silent and indulge your fear, you remain complicit in allowing this person to continue his evil. It is ugly, it is scary, it isn’t “fair”, but it is your responsibilty to act (notice I chose a verb) because this happened to you. You are the witness. It is your right. You do have the support of others. It needs to be done.
 
Wooh. Heh, now. I get it, but, gee, let’s get a grip on the WHOLE picture.

If I speak to the wrong people who hate people like me, then, what will my purpose be? Yes. I worry about me because I have to remain credible and VERY credible. One wrong person in the line up and I get quickly shuffled to the back door.
And, again, I live and work in small community and just blasting in the door with my mouth raging gets me absolutely nowhere with the Catholic Church. I am Catholic. The last thing I want to hear is someone like me…making something out of nothing (perspective-remember-depending on what type of word gets around). Most of the people I deal with DAILY are working for the Church or around the services of the Church. It’s a two dog town!

Any Fathers out there…what happens inside the “closed doors” once there is a 'rumor of scandal". How quiet does the Church stay?
 
I am praying that you have the stregth to report this person. From your description of what happened, it seems obvious that he has done this before and had his lines and act well rehearsed. He will keep doing it until he finds a woman intimidated enough to comply, or gullible enough to believe the stuff about the dreams etc and feel flattered and seduced. In the end there will be another victim.
 
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rice55:
Wooh. Heh, now. I get it, but, gee, let’s get a grip on the WHOLE picture.

If I speak to the wrong people who hate people like me, then, what will my purpose be? Yes. I worry about me because I have to remain credible and VERY credible. One wrong person in the line up and I get quickly shuffled to the back door.
And, again, I live and work in small community and just blasting in the door with my mouth raging gets me absolutely nowhere with the Catholic Church. I am Catholic. The last thing I want to hear is someone like me…making something out of nothing (perspective-remember-depending on what type of word gets around). Most of the people I deal with DAILY are working for the Church or around the services of the Church. It’s a two dog town!

Any Fathers out there…what happens inside the “closed doors” once there is a 'rumor of scandal". How quiet does the Church stay?
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May I ask…If your daughter came to you and told you the priest had done to her what he’d done to you, what would your response be? “Be Quiet, honey…don’t want to cause a stir…wouldn’t want people to get upset with you”. Would you think she was making “something out of nothing”? Or would you be pounding on the Bishop’s door and demanding this situation be addressed?
You’re behaving like a child. Grown ups don’t behave this way and when they do, there are consequences…even for priests. Get a grip, and some backbone, and stop worrying about what others think. If your community is so small and close knit, how could they not want what’s best for one of their own. And if they don’t, you can always move somewhere away from that little backwater sludge pot to where people have better things to do with their time than gossip and backstab.
 
I agree with all of the advice you have been given to go directly to your Bishop with the information. You didn’t do anything wrong, but you can do something very constructive if this priest can get the help he needs and be absolved of his sins. We don’t know if he should continue as a priest; only his bishop can make that decision.

I would caution you however, that as a woman, (or I guess even as a man in our world today), do not put yourself in a situation like this again. Any priest should know better than to speed leasure time alone with any parishoner. It gives fodder to the rumor mills at the minimum and at it’s worst gives an occasion of sin to both parties.

Your good intentions to show a priest around or just wanting to be a good friend to him put you in a precarious spot. If he were a good man, he would have insisted on others coming along. The fact that he didn’t should have been a red flag. Also the fact that other holy priests might have done so in the past with no ill effect, does not make it a good practice. They, too, should be aware of what ugly rumors can do to good people.

As adults we need to use common sence. If you want to be a friend to your priests, don’t be part of such an arrangement and always pray for them.
 
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tcay584:
May I ask…If your daughter came to you and told you the priest had done to her what he’d done to you, what would your response be? “Be Quiet, honey…don’t want to cause a stir…wouldn’t want people to get upset with you”. Would you think she was making “something out of nothing”? Or would you be pounding on the Bishop’s door and demanding this situation be addressed?..there are consequences…even for priests.
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I sorry…I am so upset. Thank you. Thank you all very much. Thnsk you for your comments.

I get it…Their was a red flag and I ignored it…and you know why,…because I was with Father X. Who amoung you would have thought in such a way.

Look your Father in the eyes this Sunday and see if he has any red flags in there…think of me.
 
Remember that we are not the ones in this situation. It is harsh and insensitive to say “grow a backbone” or “what is wrong with you” or “suck it up” or whatever to someone who has been victimized. Also, victims do not choose to be victims and it is not something they can simply “stop” being in the matter of an instant. The transformation from victim to survivor is usually a gradual one that occurs after enough time has passed and the incident has been fully understood and processed.

This is not our life in the balance so it is easy to pass judgement and make such rash assertions. Please allow this woman the time she needs to consider all of the options as well as the possible consequences.

The choice is up to her and the “right” thing to do will be something that she ultimately decides, as this is her experience and her life, not ours.

Incidentally, Rice, one of the rules of war is to know your opponent. I would recommend looking into this priest’s background to see if he has any kind of record of compliants, impropriety or wrongdoing. You may find some additional ammunition and allies this way.
 
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rice55:
I sorry…I am so upset. Thank you. Thank you all very much. Thnsk you for your comments.

I get it…Their was a red flag and I ignored it…and you know why,…because I was with Father X. Who amoung you would have thought in such a way.

Look your Father in the eyes this Sunday and see if he has any red flags in there…think of me.
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You did nothing wrong and it was perfectly understandable to feel as though you could trust someone THE CHURCH endorses, someone you are supposed to be able to trust.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Red flags are not always red until after something happens. Like you said, you’ve had various outings with other clergy and never had any problem. Why should you have assumed this time would be any different?

This incident is in no way your fault. The priest is at fault. Completely and without reserve. Now the Church has work ahead of it in order to address this problem and protect other potential victims from this predator, or IT will be at fault.
 
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ReformedCatholic:
Remember that we are not the ones in this situation. It is harsh and insensitive to say “grow a backbone” or “what is wrong with you” or “suck it up” or whatever to someone who has been victimized. Also, victims do not choose to be victims and it is not something they can simply “stop” being in the matter of an instant. The transformation from victim to survivor is usually a gradual one that occurs after enough time has passed and the incident has been fully understood and processed.

This is not our life in the balance so it is easy to pass judgement and make such rash assertions. Please allow this woman the time she needs to consider all of the options as well as the possible consequences.

The choice is up to her and the “right” thing to do will be something that she ultimately decides, as this is her experience and her life, not ours.
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SHE came here, to a public disscussion forum and asked for assistance. Assistance has been provided. Are you saying that all that is called for here are expressions of sympathy and some hand holding?

Many have experienced the efforts of others to “victimize” them. To do nothing about such an effort is to embrace being a victim and to remain as one.

I have had experiences similar to this. The internal distress does not go away until proactive steps are taken to deal with what happened. It sucks, it’s lousy, it’s hard. But so are the consequences of being ineffective in one’s own recovery from the experience. At least in this aspect of the experience one gets to choose to participate.

Has it ever been established whether one IS or IS NOT one’s brother’s keeper? For the sake of the next potential “victim”, this has to be brought to the attention of the proper authorities. To do less is to become complicit in his next attept to victimize another woman or girl.
 
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