Help your advice please

[iluvmybabies]

Good day, most of you know my history with my exhusband, and if you don’t I will give you a bit of a detail…He and I were married for almost a decade, but because of our differences, religious and everything else, it was hard to stay with a manipulative person whom was destroying my life and my daughter’s life…He would manipulate her to spy on me and turn everything against me with her…It was terrible how I would try to speak with him and he would run to our tiny tot for protection whenever I would ask him to go to a marriage counselor or even to a priest…Not only that but he never wanted to get married through the church! So we pretty much were in a sinful marriage…

Anyhow, since our divorce that man has hated me so much because I was the one that left him, and even though, he took off with all the monetary supplies in our bank, and left me with nothing, our bank accounts closed and everything and lied about having a job for 6 months, while I was struggling to support my children and pay my bills. Once he got caught he only stayed for 1 year in the job because of his lies the child support agency took 50% of his paycheck because he did not tell them when he found a job nor told the truth when he did have a job until they ran a background check on him…So he quit his job. Would always harass me and send his gf to harass me as well! I couldn’t afford a phone, nor anything else and because I was a student online I had internet in the home and that was it. That was the only way to communicate with him and he harassed me to get a phone and to make a myspace page for our daughter…I did everything to make him happy even after our divorce so he could communicate with our children, yet I am the worst human being on the planet! He feeds our daughter with “I can’t visit because your mother takes all my money! I can’t even eat she has me starving!!” It is very painful and a very difficult life for me to deal with this man!

Well he submitted a court order to reduce child support based on his income and bills, I had to submit tons of paperwork, and only was given 2 weeks to do this but by the GRACE OF GOD I was able to submit them on time! But since they don’t have jurisdiction since I don’t live there in that state any more they couldn’t go through with it and advised my exhusband to take me to court here in Illinois since this is where I live! He seems to have received all this information today because he called me to harass me! He always claims he can’t talk to me because I always scream etc, yet 99% of the time my ex and I have spoken it’s at my job, and I don’t have the ability to even raise my voice since my cubicle is open and everyone can hear so I try to always keep my voice down, as much as possible! He’s threatened to take my children away, etc…and with tears rolling down my cheek I have kept my voice down and tried to keep composed…He has called so many times to insult me and tell me off, and his ex gf would do the same! It was very devastating! Now he’s engaged with some other woman and thinks he rules the world! He has taken her to disney world and other parts of florida with her children and tells me he can’t afford anything?! He has a “pimped” out Cadillac 4 door with 24" rims, and a 950 dollar apt just for him?! YET he can’t pay his child support? And calls me to harass me!!! About how I am killing him and he can’t live off of 150 dollars a week?!

 

[iluvmybabies]

when he quit his job he didn’t send me a single penny for 3 months, not even a quarter nothing! Yet I didn’t even bother him, I borrowed from friends and family to pay my rent and I even begged my landlord to lower my rent…He did by 50 bucks that’s it and still I struggle to come up with it! If it wasn’t because of some money that was garnished from him I wouldn’t have been able to give my tiny tot his 6th bday present!! I was terrified of how I was going to explain to him I had nothing for him!!! I tried explaining this to my ex and all he told me was “OMG I CAN’T TALK TO YOU YOU ARE INSANE YOU DONT EVEN LISTEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CARE!!”

Today he called me to “compromise” on the child support, and told me “what will it take for me to make you understand that I can’t live off of 150 dollars a week? Remember my 950 dollar rent? I can’t afford it any more!”
When I reminded him that the court is not allowed to take anything from him that’s over 50% of his weekly or monthly or biweekly or semimonthly paycheck, he told me they were lying and asked if I wanted to see his paystubs. I agreed and told him to send them over then!!! He started raising his voice and repeated the same thing over, I am at work, like I said and can’t get loud at all I am serious, and with all due courtesy and everything as kind as possible to speak with him…Always try! Then he hang up on me but before he did he let me know his lawyer was going to call me! I called him back and said to him “wow you can afford an attorney but can’t afford to pay for your children Wow! Remember those 3 months you “weren’t working” I didn’t even bother you one bit yet you couldn’t even send me 20 dollars to make sure your kids had something to eat at least?!” Then he started yelling I can’t even talk to you! AND I hung up…He called me back stating I am taking you back to court you don’t want to compromise and you give me no other choice! So I told him fine!! Then he says “YOU ARE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SH1T IN THIS WHOLE WORLD!” And hangs up on me…

I am of low income so can’t afford an attorney but I am tired of this man and don’t know what else to do! I have never done anything against this man, instead I even turned away from GOD and my family to keep him happy and it didn’t do anything except have him manipulate me and control me more…And now he’s doing this again?! Just because he can’t take his fiance to Orlando for the weekened?! I told him before I lived in a small 2 bedroom house where I have to squeeze my kids in it…3 children…Very frustrating, while he lives in a 950 dollar apt all for himself? Where he has a nice luxury vehicle and I am in debt because thanks to his inability to pay for child support and take our money from the banks I have ruined credit and couldn’t get a decent loan to get a car so I went with a buy here pay here to get transportation for my 3 children and myself? There are no attorney’s willing to help me, and I don’t know what to do!! Everyone wants money and I can’t afford to seek counseling!!

Any advice? Please! And your prayers are very appreciated!!! I am so sorry for so much drama but I am seriously not sure what to do with this man…And his ability to still hurt me without me being anywhere near him!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

I think you mentioned before that you can’t afford a lawyer, will your parents help you out? You need a good lawyer, to sue this man for child support. Period. That is what you need to do. I would not take his calls anymore at work, or anywhere. He can’t just take the kids.

Just remember…one reaps what he sows. He underestimates that you will sue him. You need to sue him. If your parents won’t help, find a lawyer who will take this on pro bono, and only collect if he wins for you.

Get set up on a payment plan if you have to. You need to take your life back. He is abusive, and if you are aware of what he’s spending his money on, then you can prove that in court.

Please don’t be afraid of this guy. He is a jerk. He wants to scare you away. Don’t let him. Please try every avenue to sue this man, your children deserve child support, and to live a life free from his abuse and harassment.

Can your bf/fiance help you pay for a lawyer?

 

[iluvmybabies]

I think you mentioned before that you can’t afford a lawyer, will your parents help you out? You need a good lawyer, to sue this man for child support. Period. That is what you need to do. I would not take his calls anymore at work, or anywhere. He can’t just take the kids.

Just remember…one reaps what he sows. He underestimates that you will sue him. You need to sue him. If your parents won’t help, find a lawyer who will take this on pro bono, and only collect if he wins for you.

Get set up on a payment plan if you have to. You need to take your life back. He is abusive, and if you are aware of what he’s spending his money on, then you can prove that in court.

Please don’t be afraid of this guy. He is a jerk. He wants to scare you away. Don’t let him. Please try every avenue to sue this man, your children deserve child support, and to live a life free from his abuse and harassment.

Can your bf/fiance help you pay for a lawyer?

It’s not that simple, i had the proof from his space page until he blocked it completely…Someone in the child support agency has been ratting me out, and when I found out they were they were all quiet, and no one wanted to give me answers!! I was very disappointed! It seems someone a woman from there must have had something with him after our divorce or something because she’s the one that tells him about my calls etc…

I don’t know what to do…And my parents can’t help me any more, I have bothered them so much I don’t want to bother them again especially about money! I owe them so much I am paying them back with taxes! Right now my ex is getting his wages garnished at 50% and he’s still crying about it!! I understand he has to eat and live by but I have 3 children with him and he doesn’t even care if they eat, he tells me “I GOTTA EAT FIRST!” It’s really disappointing! Yet he writes to them and calls them and tells them how much he loves them and misses them! He own’t even buy them a happy bday card at the dollar store for their bdays!! This has tormented my daughter so much she almost killed herself a while ago when she found out he was engaged!!! And taking care of this woman’s kids!! That’s why she has to be taken to the counselor and he tells me “well I wonder why my daughter is having problems having a mother like you!!”

I don’t know what to do! And every time I call an attorney they want money upfront and I am just like hello did you not hear I live off of 17 grand a year?! PLEASE HELP!?

When the court order was issued they wanted to take based on his income 1800 dollars a month including alimony, he cried and whined and they lowered it to 1600 he cried and cried and lowered it to 1500, then to 1300 then to 1200 and the csupport lady was like you need to pay for 3 CHILDREN you do realize? ANd he whined and then she looked at me and was like are you serious you are not going to demmand this and I was like whatever makes him happy I am tired of fighting with him and she was like I understand they lowered it to 1000 including alimony…and he is behind again 8000.00 but he had a break 6 months before he had a job and 3 months after he quit his job without paying anything, and he’s still crying and taking me back to court and harassing me and telling me off! I AM GOING INSANE! I have no peace from him!!

When I dont hear from him it’s great, the kids and i are great we hear from him and the kids have all these internal emotions I don’t know how to help them, nor how to help myself!! It’s frustrating but he blames me for everything! And the kids are starting too…2 weeks ago my daughter was so frustrated she yelled at me and told me I ruined her life because I brought in a new person in their lives!! she was referring to db…and they never had any problems?!

I was like WHAT? My db tries to make my kids as happy as possible and it back fires on him when my daughter talks to her father…Her father doesnt know about db it’s none of his business to begin with…my private life is none of his business and neither is his but he makes his a public life that they end up calling me or writing to my kids without permission as if they are something of my kids!!! I dont understand and I pray so much for GOD to help me with him but nothing seems to work and not sure what else to do!!

 

[iluvmybabies]

I think you mentioned before that you can’t afford a lawyer, will your parents help you out? You need a good lawyer, to sue this man for child support. Period. That is what you need to do. I would not take his calls anymore at work, or anywhere. He can’t just take the kids.

Just remember…one reaps what he sows. He underestimates that you will sue him. You need to sue him. If your parents won’t help, find a lawyer who will take this on pro bono, and only collect if he wins for you.

Get set up on a payment plan if you have to. You need to take your life back. He is abusive, and if you are aware of what he’s spending his money on, then you can prove that in court.

Please don’t be afraid of this guy. He is a jerk. He wants to scare you away. Don’t let him. Please try every avenue to sue this man, your children deserve child support, and to live a life free from his abuse and harassment.

Can your bf/fiance help you pay for a lawyer?

About bf he’s helped me so much too without being my husband I really don’t think I need to involve him on this…

 

[whatevergirl]

Aside from the obvious, what is so terribly sad and illogical to me, is how a man like this can attract so many women. They need to read my thread about women settling. Seriously–what woman considers this man to be a catch? A man who doesn’t want to take care of the kids he brought into this world. Perhaps, water seeks its own level. I dunno.

You don’t deserve this, I’m so sorry this is happening. I read the pain in your posts. I offer you my prayers…and maybe seek a Catholic lawyer? Maybe they would work on pro bono basis?

hugs to you:console:

 

[iluvmybabies]

Aside from the obvious, what is so terribly sad and illogical to me, is how a man like this can attract so many women. They need to read my thread about women settling. Seriously–what woman considers this man to be a catch? A man who doesn’t want to take care of the kids he brought into this world. Perhaps, water seeks its own level. I dunno.

You don’t deserve this, I’m so sorry this is happening. I read the pain in your posts. I offer you my prayers…and maybe seek a Catholic lawyer? Maybe they would work on pro bono basis?

hugs to you:console:

When we were separated we actually got along pretty well, we still lived in the same house for a while and all these women would come pick him up, then I would ask him how in the world, and he told me I told them you were a gold digging b1tch and that you left me because you wanted to be with someone else who had more money and don’t care about me so they feel sorry for me! I was like WOW are you serious! And I was like why would you do that to me? What’s your problem…after that he was gone…but it hurt me to know this is the reason all the women he dates hate me, and all his family hate me even more than they did before! Even his siblings whom I helped raise were like “I cant believe you are such a b!! for what you did to my brother!” And it was like ok but the 10 years I lived without my family and almost without GOD sneaking around going to church by myself because he didn’t believe in attending church every week, etc and him not wanting to marry me, and the humilation of being accused by his grandmother of stealing 10 grand from her and having her kick me out of the apt I rented from her because i confronted her on why she was lying and admitted that she did say it because she felt like it and it was her mouth, etc wasn’t anything at all for me right!?! I just don’t understand the injustice of this world…

That I left him, yes I did, that I didn’t love him any more, yes that is true, that I lied to him, no I didn’t that I kept anything from him no I didn’t that I wanted things to work out yes the first 9 years I did but I couldn’t take him any more and I was tired of putting myself out there for him without him even acknowledging me for anything other than his property, he would tell me “you are my wife so I own you!” Even if it was joking around and I would respond with I am sorry but I am not a thing!!

I tried to leave our relationship in good terms and he hurt me a lot when one of his gf would harass me and after they broke up he wanted to get back with me and was a sweetheart and all of a sudden he gets engaged and he’s a jerk all over again…it’s like what’s your problem? Because you can’t give your fiance a bigger rock? Because you can’t pay for the nice 10 thousand dollar honey moon? This man lives off of 30 grand gross a year!!! that’s almost double of what I make…AND I LIVE WITH MY 3 CHILDREN 24/7!! AND HE JUST HAS HIMSELF?! How does that make sense?

He tells these women he meets that I keep the children away that I don’t let him watch them or see them…but yet every time he would call to find out if the kids were on vacation I always tried to make a deal and help him come and visit him, but he wouldn’t accept it because he wasn’t coming over here to see them???
One time he told me his fiance’s family owned a secluded house in North Carolina, I was like hey I wouldn’t mind the vacation see if my sis or mom wants to come with…I asked my db if he would mind joining me for a week in N.C. So he agreed, my sis and mom said it sounded like fun and we’ve never been so I asked my ex hey tell me what’s the name of the town and what hotels and car rentals are there, my mom is treating us for a vacation there since you want me to take the kids there and meet you with your fiance…So he responds with “oh no you don’t understand they live in the middle of nowwhere and there are no hotels, no car rentals, I will pick you up from the airport that’s 3 hours away, go through the mountains to her family’s secluded mansion and there you will stay in your own bedroom, no problem!” ANd I was like no I don’t think so I want to stay in a hotel with my mom and sis and you will give me the name of the town since you don’t want to look for hotels available and i will do my own research!!" Then he was like" NO I told you you will stay in this secluded house in your own room no biggie!" I was like you are being ridiculous there is no way I will stay with you nor your fiance, I will drop off my children in a rented car and pick them back up at the end of the week!!! He was like WHATEVER I will call you later! I wasl ike what did he want??? I don’t understand it?!

And it was kind of creepy…

But not even that was enough for him…and all these women think I am some horrible monster and it’s really sad!! I feel sorry for my children!! I really do!

 

[iluvmybabies]

Aside from the obvious, what is so terribly sad and illogical to me, is how a man like this can attract so many women. They need to read my thread about women settling. Seriously–what woman considers this man to be a catch? A man who doesn’t want to take care of the kids he brought into this world. Perhaps, water seeks its own level. I dunno.

You don’t deserve this, I’m so sorry this is happening. I read the pain in your posts. I offer you my prayers…and maybe seek a Catholic lawyer? Maybe they would work on pro bono basis?

hugs to you:console:

Thanks for the hug!! It’s appreciated…I found a lawyer that first consultation is free I set up appt for sat hopefully all will go well! Wish me luck! And thank you for your prayers it’s greatly apprecaited!

 

[whatevergirl]

That is progress–yay! I pray it goes well for you.

And all of the details…of who said what, who did what. At this point, whether this man wants to or not, he has to pay child support. If he can drive a caddy,he can pay for his children. Shame on him, that he isn’t thinking of them first. But, he is in my prayers too. As angry as I am at him…he needs our prayers iluv.

I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving…good luck on your mtg. Feel free to pm me anytime.

 

[iluvmybabies]

That is progress–yay! I pray it goes well for you.

And all of the details…of who said what, who did what. At this point, whether this man wants to or not, he has to pay child support. If he can drive a caddy,he can pay for his children. Shame on him, that he isn’t thinking of them first. But, he is in my prayers too. As angry as I am at him…he needs our prayers iluv.

I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving…good luck on your mtg. Feel free to pm me anytime.

Thanks whatevergirl…I am so grateful I at least get to have the chance to go in this consultation!! I tell you it’s not easy! I do think that man needs all the prayers he can get…I pray for him too but even though his heart is still colder than ice!! Very sad!

Thanks again and GOD bless! Happy THANKSGIVING! AND take care!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Lots of issues here. But it boils down to a few things…

This man is a loser. If he was worth keeping, you’d still be with him. If he cared for his children, he would be paying money for them. I know situations where women divorced men for no real reason and they willingly paid child support because it was for their children and they wanted their children to have happy lives. A REAL man is like that. Your ex is not a real man.

I have three children and have lived in a similar situation for 9 years. I received less child support and no alimony than you. It’s amazing what you can live without. No amount of money is worth this man’s harrassment. You need to work on increasing YOUR income so you aren’t so dependent on him.

You need to learn to hang up a telephone when he becomes abusive.

Do not send the children off alone with him ever, if you ever want to see them again.

Make sure your children are in counselling at their schools. Be honest with the counselor what is going on.

I’m glad you have a bf, but make sure he’s a good guy and you are eligible to date according to the Catholic Church. Or you’re sending wrong signals to your children.

It should not concern you what your ex’s girlfriends think of you. Not at all. They are nothing to you. They are falling for the same lies you fell for. Eventually they will learn and will leave him. What they think of you means nothing. They didn’t walk in your shoes.

My xh has had two fiancees. Now he’s looking for another one. He told everyone I was crazy. So what. I’m still in my home trying to work and take care of my children. Their opinion is the only one that mattered to me.

Don’t worry about his family either. Eventually he will do things that will make them see him for who he is.

From now on when he tries to talk to you, tell him to speak to you only through your lawyer. Give him that number. And leave him alone. He is like a parasite that gains his emotional strength from bleeding you dry. Don’t give him permission to do that.

Life will eventually catch up with this man. Like it is doing with my ex. He has lived in luxury and paraded his things as if they matter. I pray to God, God takes care of me. I keep my side of the street clean. The less you say to people, the better. Just keep doing what you are supposed to. And give people the credit for eventually figuring things out.

Your kids will figure it out too. It may take years, but they will realize who was there and who was off with new women and new kids.

Eventually he will find someone who distracts him enough he will ignore you for a while. He will become some other woman’s problem.

Hang in there. Talk to your lawyer. And resolve to make yourself able to live without his money or his garbage. When he talks to you like that, just say “I don’t have to listen to this disrespect” and hang up. Keep all records and notes and emails if he threatens or harrasses you. That becomes a police matter.

Good luck.

 

[iluvmybabies]

A REAL man is like that. Your ex is not a real man.

When we were together several of his friends found out their wives cheated on them and divorced them immediately but because they were “good moms” the courts didn’t take the children away and the exhs had to pay cs…they used to joke around with things like, man you better take care of your wife otherwise she is going to suck you dry with cs mine does she takes 70% or my pychk and I work 2 jobs just to support my new baby mama!! And my ex would be like I aint ever leaving her, she’s mine forever…And I would look at him and be like not with you treating me the way you do…So I suggest you start getting a second job honey!!! well the giggles turned soon into reality and we were in court and he was fighting to not pay for it!!!

No amount of money is worth this man’s harrassment. You need to work on increasing YOUR income so you aren’t so dependent on him.

I came from California, this state has the highest child support demand based on father’s income, and he made enough that 35% of his income was the first figure the childspt asked of him which was 1800 including alimony…But he refused it and fought it and cried about it, and I reduced it for him to 1000 dollars telling the court if that’s what he wants and makes him happy to go for it… I am sorry you have received less and no alimony…but I was a SAHM during most of my marriage and by the grace of GOD was able to actually finish my education, I can’t afford a bachelor’s so I don’t have it yet…and my ex was never supportive about education either… I have tried to find better job opportunities but because of the problems I have been having with my daughter I can’t leave her in a daycare for long periods of time, so I have asked my db to help me with the children by picking them up after school, it makes them feel as if they are not alone, they get to go home and enjoy their tv etc in their own room etc…So I can’t get a full-time job…Even though I do need the money… I have only been getting child support for about 1 year in total, the first 6-9 months he was not working, he started getting unempl and I started receiving like 300 dollars a month, that lasted for 6 months, and for 6 months after that they started garnishing his wages at 50%, but his job only lasted a year, and it took the chs company several months after he started working for them to collect on him, so I haven’t been receiving it for that long either…And I have been trying to make it without his help but it doesn’t leave me with enough…especially to give my kids more comfort…

You need to learn to hang up a telephone when he becomes abusive.
I did hang up the phone but he called back and I have my own phone line so I just can’t let it ring I would get into trouble!!!

Do not send the children off alone with him ever, if you ever want to see them again.
I don’t plan to nor have I done so…I have told him to help me with hotel accommodations because I was going over there! he has refused constantly!!

Make sure your children are in counselling at their schools. Be honest with the counselor what is going on.
My 2 youngest have no problems, they are too young and were never involved by their father the way he involved our daughter she’s the one with the problem…

I’m glad you have a bf, but make sure he’s a good guy and you are eligible to date according to the Catholic Church. Or you’re sending wrong signals to your children.
Yes my marriage was annulled…

It should not concern you what your ex’s girlfriends think of you. Not at all. They are nothing to you. They are falling for the same lies you fell for. Eventually they will learn and will leave him. What they think of you means nothing. They didn’t walk in your shoes.
I understand but what I mean about that is that their negativity is passed on towards my daughter with their emails and wishes to communicate with my daughter and I don’t think that’s fair!!!

Don’t worry about his family either. Eventually he will do things that will make them see him for who he is.
To them he’s perfect!!! And ever since I married him I was the manipulator and he was the innocent child even though I busted my butt to make sure his house was clean, food was cooked for him to never eat at home and for our food to go bad waiting for him!!! But I was the witch!! and now I am the B!

He is like a parasite that gains his emotional strength from bleeding you dry. Don’t give him permission to do that.

If I had a lawyer I would…but I don’t have one so I can’t…

Your kids will figure it out too. It may take years, but they will realize who was there and who was off with new women and new kids.
Yeah hopefully sooner rather than later, his ability to manipulate is causing my dd to think her life will be better over there since he has a huge condo!!!

Eventually he will find someone who distracts him enough he will ignore you for a while. He will become some other woman’s problem.
GOD hears you…I wished it were true…but no matter what he calls me when he can’t take his women out because he has to pay child support!!!

Good luck.

Thank you for your advice…Since it had been a few months since I had heard from him I deleted everything, I was so happy I was like finallly he’s gone from me, and all of a sudden it starts up again…Lately he’s been keeping himself from sending me messages since he knows I can hold that against him so he’s doing it all verbally…Not sure how well that does for me!!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I am sorry you have received less and no alimony…but I was a SAHM during most of my marriage and by the grace of GOD was able to actually finish my education, I can’t afford a bachelor’s so I don’t have it yet…and my ex was never supportive about education either… I have tried to find better job opportunities but because of the problems I have been having with my daughter I can’t leave her in a daycare for long periods of time, so I have asked my db to help me with the children by picking them up after school, it makes them feel as if they are not alone, they get to go home and enjoy their tv etc in their own room etc…So I can’t get a full-time job…Even though I do need the money…

I was a SAHM for 9.5 years. Where I live, you have to be married 10 years for alimony. So he got out of that. I also have limited my employment to be with my kids so they have me after school. It’s good you have family to help. Mine got me 1700 miles from my family.

From now on when he calls you, do what I do. Inform him quietly that from now on you are taping his calls so that his harassment can be documented for the courts and the police if it ever comes to that. Then have a small tape recorder or a recording machine and hold it to the phone and do it. Mine stopped those calls very quickly when he knew it was going to bite him.

And I have lots of recordings to play for the kids someday when they pretend daddy was nice.

Nice men don’t say those things.

And mine also liked the money over at daddy’s house. But eventually his bad behavior meant his income was lessened. Oddly enough, now I’m the parent with more money, which isn’t saying much.

One of my daughters moved over there because he lets her do whatever she wants. Be prepared for that. After doing the right thing for years you can end up with ungrateful kids who make him the hero. Take the risk. At the end of the day you can still look yourself in the mirror. Life will teach them lessons you can’t. And one of them is that money isn’t everything. Mine have seen the chaos with the girlfriends and the resentment. Who cares what his family thinks. They raised him to be the person he is. Their values obviously are off kilter.

You do not need the worthless esteem of weak people.

The kids will figure out he isn’t the one looking out for him. But that will take time. Just keep your side of the street clean and do what you are supposed to. Just be there for the kids. Always. Be their stability and the one who they can count on. Eventually they will figure out that they wouldn’t want someone who treats people as their father does. But it will take time.

Your daughter might think being with him was fun, but she would find out his big condo was no fun when he was as inattentive to her needs as he is to yours. If he was really putting her best interest first, he’d be giving her more money for her upkeep and living in a smaller condo. She’ll figure it out.

Print out the emails from the girlfriends and let them know if they send anything badmouthing you again, their address will be blocked. It is not their right. Timeworn trick of women to try to get in good with a man by befriending his kids. A woman who really cared about your daughter wouldn’t denigrate her mother to her face.

Or change your daughter’s email address to yours and have all mail come through you.

It’s a teaching opportunity. How does your daughter feel about these women who know nothing of you or your life saying things like that? Teach her about loyalty and how to evaluate a man. And that a good man doesn’t badmouth his ex to the new woman. Eventually he’ll do the same to her.

Your daughter is seeing all sorts of bad behavior. She needs it put in context and explained so she doesn’t become the kind of woman chasing after a deadbeat dad herself.

 

[iluvmybabies]

It’s good you have family to help. Mine got me 1700 miles from my family.
Mine were 3000 miles away… Very sad…and difficult to get out or help but they managed, my mom even if it was through western union she would help me out as much as she could…I wished I would have been a sahm for that long, he would force me to get a job to help pay for his car fetish new system new rims new wheels…etc…but i was the one getting us into debt…the only luxury i had was the new double stroller i had bought for my infants!!! yes in california technically it is as well but because we dated and “lived” together before marriage, it was counted towards the 10 years…

Mine stopped those calls very quickly when he knew it was going to bite him.

Actually I wanted to do that and my mother gave me this advice, oponent warned leads to a lost war… because she claims he can do the same to me if I ever lose my patience and say things I don’t mean…I actually need to do that get a recorder but my darn phone doesn’t have speaker phone on it I doubt you’d be able to hear it clearly???

One of my daughters moved over there because he lets her do whatever she wants. Be prepared for that. After doing the right thing for years you can end up with ungrateful kids who make him the hero. Take the risk. At the end of the day you can still look yourself in the mirror. Life will teach them lessons you can’t. And one of them is that money isn’t everything. Mine have seen the chaos with the girlfriends and the resentment. Who cares what his family thinks. They raised him to be the person he is. Their values obviously are off kilter.

I am terrified of this!! I don’t want to lose my children…I am trying to do my best in keeping them happy and raise them through Catholic ways…he won’t do that…he doesn’t even believe that GOD is the creator… i don’t know what I will do if my children leave me!!

You do not need the worthless esteem of weak people.
The kids will figure out he isn’t the one looking out for him. But that will take time. Just keep your side of the street clean and do what you are supposed to. Just be there for the kids. Always. Be their stability and the one who they can count on. Eventually they will figure out that they wouldn’t want someone
who treats people as their father does. But it will take time.

I hear you…I will try to continue doing my best…Today I will take my children to the park it’s pretty warm and they need the sun…Right now I am having problems with my son in school, he’s really lazy and even though he is super smart doesn’t want to do his hw nor cw I have to take him to get tested fo ADD again, he was not claimed nor analyzed as add before but they feel that maybe now he might have it??? WHATEVER!! He is just lazy but who’s the one dealing with this? ANd who’s the one trying for them to make them happy make sure they have a roof over their heads? But I guess that doesn’t count, father’s nice house is sooo cool!!

Your daughter might think being with him was fun, but she would find out his big condo was no fun when he was as inattentive to her needs as he is to yours. If he was really putting her best interest first, he’d be giving her more money for her upkeep and living in a smaller condo. She’ll figure it out.

The court tried to bring that up once telling him he was fine living in an effeciency to save him money he didn’t hear it at all nor did he care!! His needs come first in his eyes!!

Timeworn trick of women to try to get in good with a man by befriending his kids. A woman who really cared about your daughter wouldn’t denigrate her mother to her face.
Well that may be true but obviously it’s gotten my daughter’s attention!! Not cool!! his new fiance is a little more decent at least she never had greeted me with an attitude like the others…

Or change your daughter’s email address to yours and have all mail come through you.
He knows all my email addresses I have not changed them since we dated…

It’s a teaching opportunity. How does your daughter feel about these women who know nothing of you or your life saying things like that? Teach her about loyalty and how to evaluate a man. And that a good man doesn’t badmouth his ex to the new woman. Eventually he’ll do the same to her.

I have tried, the counselor told me not to tell her anything about these women…and to stop telling her about her father…but sometimes I can’t help it when she tells me “dad told me he hasn’t eaten for days because you are taking his money!” Then I am like OMG honey listen he’s just using his imagination because according to the court he makes good money to make sure you have a good place to sleep in ok! I mean what else can I say?!

Your daughter is seeing all sorts of bad behavior. She needs it put in context and explained so she doesn’t become the kind of woman chasing after a deadbeat dad herself.

that’s another thing I am afraid of but how do I explain to her these things without staining her great father’s image in her mind and making her hate me later on in life!!! ???

 

[iluvmybabies]

One of my friends told me that she hates her mother because her mother kept her from her father…I told her I was not keeping my daughter from her father, he was keeping himself…and she told me that it didn’t seem like it because i moved so far away…I explained that her father moved to fl first and then I moved to il…

she still didn’t see it…she still told me i was going to regret keeping my kids away from their father because that is how she feels about her mother…

I have never tried to hurt my children nor keep them from their dad, I have tried to negotiate with that man and the only thing he wants negotiated is no more CHILD SUPPORT or at least take the 8000 IN ARREARS AWAY so he can live better!! Very disappointing…

To think I am doing the best but I guess my best is wrong???

 

[ajcoley1]

To think I am doing the best but I guess my best is wrong???

The children have seen enough to know what kind of father they have, believe me. I know you don’t see it now, it’s there. Surround yourself vith good people so they can see how good people treat each other.
Maybe the communication at work only is good-you are forced to be somewhat civil. That helped me alot. ANd I am sorry but I have to talk thru legal channels ONLY if I want results. Courts are smart. They see thru this **** all the time. Prayers.

 

[iluvmybabies]

The children have seen enough to know what kind of father they have, believe me. I know you don’t see it now, it’s there. Surround yourself vith good people so they can see how good people treat each other.
Maybe the communication at work only is good-you are forced to be somewhat civil. That helped me alot. ANd I am sorry but I have to talk thru legal channels ONLY if I want results. Courts are smart. They see thru this **** all the time. Prayers.

It’s just so frustrating I am terrified and don’t want to lose my children…maybe I am greedy for not wanting to lose them to him but I live for my kids…I mean I know many parents that give themselves several hours to themselves or even days for themselves and their new partners, go our weekends etc…well this year was the first year I actually got out 3 times!! The first time was for 2 hours, a good friend of mine was like “girl you need a break!” And since her son adores my kids and vice versa she took them all to the movies and my db and I had 2 hours to actually have adult time and go eat out and talk, it was nice!! The second time was thanks to his parents, even though his mother isn’t fond of me nor my children his father adores them and wanted a sleepover with my kids, they horsed around played games and my db mother treated my children kindly and lovingly so that helped me out…my db went out that night all night with a lot of friends that were so surprised we got to go out we stayed out until 7 am the next day! I was exhausted and I had no idea I had it in me! I was surprised! What did we do, we had a few drinks, played cards, talked, watch movies, played billiards, dance the night away, it was great!! I mean maybe it was wrong to have so much fun but I never go out!! Not without my kids at least and when I do is usually once or 2 times a year for 2 hours… So this was nice! And the 3rd time, was his parents again, they wanted to take the kids shopping and out to eat so we had 4 hours to hang out with friends! It was so nice again!
Last year I went out 2 times thanks to my good friends whom babysat for me for 2 hours…each time…
The year before, only 1 time…and the previous years none!

So it was nice to have adult moments you know to actually have good friends around and talk!! But my babies are my life and I don’t go out often…so I wouldn’t know what to do if my babies were not with me any more!!

What do you mean through legal channels only???

 

[ajcoley1]

What do you mean through legal channels only???

Well for example any child support I get is sent directly to me as he is on Social Security. Now, he claims well enough to work and “I will give you $$ myself.” So I went to courthouse & spoke to a moderator, who then spoke to him, as whatever I say is never heard. If $$ situation changes for him he will get $$ taken from his paycheck. Legal channels.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Stop worrying about losing your children. IF you keep your side of the street clean, a judge isn’t going to hand three kids to a man who won’t keep a job and has no means of taking care of them. If you are the one who takes them to the doctor, oversees their studies, spends your time with them, they will keep the kids with the stable parent.

As for your mom’s advice, she is mistaken. You aren’t telling him anything to give away a game plan. In many places you are not allowed to record conversations unless BOTH people know they are being recorded. Otherwise it is a crime. You are telling him that so he will leave you alone and stop the verbal abuse on the phone. Hold the recorder up to the mouthpiece. Maybe just the threat of that will stop him from annoying you. THAT is really what you want.

Always presume when you talk to him that you are being recorded. That will control what you say. Why you even would want to talk to him is beyond me. Send him emails with just the facts about the kids. And have his lawyer write your lawyer. If he has to pay his lawyer to communicate, that might make him stop.

As for his claims of starving to death because of you, just smile to your kids and say “I’m sure he has a sandwich in that big ol’ condo of his somewhere. He looks healthy to me.”

They’ll eventually figure out he loves money more than he loves them. You can’t stop them from rewriting history. And when they are teens they do that. Just do what you have to do so you know you did the right thing. Forget friends who have issues with their own parents. You know what the facts are in your case. You are providing your children with an extended family because they need that. You cannot be expected to follow your ex around the country every time he moves. Stop justifying your actions to people who aren’t paying your bills.

The courts are used to his kind. They are a dime a dozen. He has a long record of evading responsibility. Stop worrying about that. Your daughter will grow up and see him through the eyes of a woman. Eventually he will disappoint her the way he disappointed everyone else who depended on him. You dont’ need to say anything. You will have all the responsibility and hard work caring for the kids. Do it for love not recognition. He will reap what he sows. But it will take a while. When your daughter makes comments, just ask her “What do you see?” Make her examine the situation in her own mind, evaluate what she sees, not what she is told, and come to her own conclusions. That is a useful life skill.

 

[ajcoley1]

Very well said, L.