help....

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Scienceteach82

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I’ve been with my live in bf for 2 years…he has a kid with his ex gf…and I always thought in the back of my mind that he wasn’t over her.

Curiosity got the best of me…and I looked through his email. He sent her pics of his ‘package’ back in August. She sent pics earlier that day too (topless) according to the time stamp…
He showed me those same pics (of him) but told me he didn’t want me to have them…afraid I would show them to someone or some sh!t like that…

I was NOT expecting to find anything like that. I don’t know what to do now…confront him? I know it was wrong to look through his email…but I had this weird feeling back in August/September that something was going on…

She used to text him all the time…and now she doesn’t. They just talk about their kid. Apparently somewhere last fall she told him that she would be ok with him marrying me…and then in January…he started talking about it a lot…I even saw a message on his facebook to a friend of his asking him if he would come to ‘our’ wedding should we get married this year…

I’m so hurt and confused. I know she doesn’t want him back. She told me when she was 7 months along with the kid that she knew he wasn’t the one (the kid is now almost 5)…

Funny thing…he got so mad at me about a month ago because a friend of mine called me ‘baby girl’ on my myspace…ha…

again…I KNOW it was wrong…

should I confront him…let it go…? I pretended like everything was fine last night…but it was so hard…
 
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Scienceteach82:
I don’t know what to do now…
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This is not said in jest or to be glib, but in all seriousness.

What you need to do is repent. Turn from your sins and return to the Lord.

Stop having a sexual relationship with someone who is not your sacramentally married spouse. Stop living with a person of the opposite gender so you are not temped to fall back into this sin. If the relationship with this person is to be then it will be. But you must peruse it in the correct fashion and that is in the light of the truth that sexual relations outside of a sacramental marriage are harmful to you, the other person, and to Christ’s Church.

That is the first step in what you need to do. Once that is accomplished you can objectively look at the relationship and then prayerfully consider what direction it should go.
 
This is why you shouldn’t live with people before marriage. 🤷 That’s setting a really bad example for his child.

Sorry I’m no help. My advice is to move out.
 
Kick him to curb, if he’s doing this now and you are not even married yet!

Do you think he is going to take marriage seriously? Hell no.

Move out before it too late.
 
stanmaxkolbe said:
Kick him to curb, if he’s doing this now and you are not even married yet!

Do you think he is going to take marriage seriously? Hell no.

Move out before it too late.
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What he said.

A good Christ-centered marriage is about the most wonderful thing in life – although not always easy. A bad marriage is about the worst thing in life. If you’re not sure, don’t marry.

And to get your relationship with your bf straightened out, you need to get your relationship with your God straightened out first. Talk to the Lord and LISTEN! Find a good priest and talk with him, as well. And pray. Pray. And pray some more. You will find your peace and joy in Jesus, but be willing to take things on His terms, not your’s. He knows better. We’ll all pray for you.

God bless,
Dan
 
from an objective point of view, reading this as a story of someone I don’t know, I am still puzzled why someone in an illicit, uncommited relationship, with a person who has a pattern of uncommitment in illicit relationships, would expect commitment, loyalty, fidelity from that partner. It seems if both parties are not ready to commit ie to marry, with all that entails vows and the whole nine yards, neither has any expectations of the other, nor any right to expectations. It seems, again regarding this as I would a TV story, that at least one party wants the benefits of marriage without any of the legal or moral duties of marriage.

my other thought is if you lie down with the dog you get up with the fleas, and that it is unrealistic to expect someone who has emotiona, sexual, and familes ties with another person to be ready, willing and able to be faithful to someone else.

sadly, this is not a TV show or novella, it is real life, and somebody is being badly hurt, not only both women involved, but innocent children. The only way to end pain is to remove the cause of the pain, and that means ending the relationship, and self-searching to discover why one chooses such a potentially painful mode of living, so as to make better choices in the future. This sounds way to much like I told you so, so I will go on viewing it as a TV story, and pray my heart out for all involved.
 
Bottom line: If your guy has a child with another woman…that baby mama will be in YOUR life forever.
 
You do realize this is a Catholic forum, right? The only thing you’re going to get is to move out and leave the guy. At least, that’s what I’d do. If he’s already treating you this way and you’re not married, imagine what he’s going to do when you are?

Cohabitating has been proven thru stats that most of the time it doesn’t end in marriage, and if it does, more likely than not, you’ll end up divorced. With those stats, and with a BF who sends pix of his private parts to his ex just screams he has no commitment to you. He should’ve respected you by not living together, and by not having that type of contact with his ex. She’s his ex for a reason, no? She will always be in his life because of their child, so are you willing to live with that knowing he has sent pix of him that way to her when he is supposed to be “committed” to you?
 
*I agree with everyone else here…leave him. If it is your place, ask him to leave. Keep praying…everyone makes mistakes. You made a poor error in judgement with this guy. Don’t marry him and then 5 years down the road, when YOU have a child with him, really regret your decision. This isn’t a man that would make a good husband, frankly… I would end it, and not look back…as hard as it will be in your human strength, God will help you through. I’m sorry you’re hurting over this, but be thankful you found out now, before you married him.

Praying for you!*
 
Scienceteach82 said:
I’ve been with my live in bf for 2 years…he has a kid with his ex gf…and I always thought in the back of my mind that he wasn’t over her.

Curiosity got the best of me…and I looked through his email. He sent her pics of his ‘package’ back in August. She sent pics earlier that day too (topless) according to the time stamp…
He showed me those same pics (of him) but told me he didn’t want me to have them…afraid I would show them to someone or some sh!t like that…

I was NOT expecting to find anything like that. I don’t know what to do now…confront him? I know it was wrong to look through his email…but I had this weird feeling back in August/September that something was going on…

She used to text him all the time…and now she doesn’t. They just talk about their kid. Apparently somewhere last fall she told him that she would be ok with him marrying me…and then in January…he started talking about it a lot…I even saw a message on his facebook to a friend of his asking him if he would come to ‘our’ wedding should we get married this year…

I’m so hurt and confused. I know she doesn’t want him back. She told me when she was 7 months along with the kid that she knew he wasn’t the one (the kid is now almost 5)…

Funny thing…he got so mad at me about a month ago because a friend of mine called me ‘baby girl’ on my myspace…ha…

again…I KNOW it was wrong…

should I confront him…let it go…? I pretended like everything was fine last night…but it was so hard…
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Personally, I think taking pictures of your private parts and showing them to others is pretty disgusting and perverted. Why would you want to marry someone who did that? Plain and simple, it is pornography, and the pit that it leads to has no bottom.

Show that you have some respect for yourself and get out of that relationship. He obviously has no respect for you or anyone else, including his ex.

Move out, go to Confession, and start living a chaste life, and find someone who loves you and respects you, your body, and his body, and understands what love and fidelity and marriage is all about. Come back to God and He will lead you and show you what true love is.

There are plenty of people here on CAF who have been in your shoes, and can attest to the pain and hurt of such a relationship. You are worth much more than what you are getting, and are of infinite value to your Creator, who made you in His own image and likeness. If you can begin to realize that, your life will be so much better and fuller than you could ever realize, and you will gain the self-respect and love that God wants you to have.

This may sound blunt, and maybe you don’t want to hear it, but you have to admit that what you are doing right now, and how you are living obviously isn’t working, and it most likely will lead to more heartache than you have now. I think you know that, in your gut, or you wouldn’t be here on CAF looking for answers.
 
This has nothing to do with being Catholic.

Any cold blooded Atheist would kick this guy’s weaselly ***!!!

**If your “live-in bf” is sending pictures of his garbage to a previous gf, a dog would walk away!
**
Come on, are you serious?

This guy is totally messed up and needs some professional help!!!

**RUN AWAY, RUN AWAYFAST AND DON"T LOOK BACK!
**
Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark
 
**I don’t disagree with a single poster here (and some of them who have been “across the aisle” from me a time or two can tell you that is a significant first for me), but I can share this with you:

The advice or suggestions you’ve received here have focused primarily on the external things you can do to remedy the situation, such as kick him out, go to confession, live a chaste life, etc. These are all good ideas. In addition, I think it’s imperative that you examine the payoff you get as the partner in this twisted relationship. If there were no payoff you would not be in the relationship to begin with. Something is compelling you to stay, to tolerate this emotional and spiritual abuse, as if your life and your desires and your value as a human being are somehow less significant than your boyfriend’s.

Think of the love you have to share, and the man, the children, the extended family who are doing without that love because you are wasting it on an individual who apparently has no concept of love, honor or respect. Think of your own Bill of Rights, the one which says you are entitled to information and honesty, that you have the right to contest another’s harmful behavior, that you have the fundamental right to a peaceful mind and a genuinely loving relationship where doubt can be addressed and fear can be quelled through caring and devotion.

Maturity is in question here, maybe the maturity of both players in this game. He sounds like some of my “loves” from decades ago, punks who couldn’t think past the moment and resented any fleeting mention of commitment. Introspection was roundly mocked. If I didn’t “get it” and laugh at their pranks I was a moron. (Oh, and I wasn’t allowed to touch one guy’s hair! It’s not like he was James Dean - far from it.)

Stay if you enjoy being used and being manipulated with select and timely references to “marriage”. If you jump into this even deeper than you are now, then this is the time to sock away money for a retainer for an attorney because you will be tearfully calling one sooner than later. This guy is a boy taking snapshots of his “manhood” and sharing them with the mother of his child. How is that a good thing? And who cares how you found out? Doubt was strong enough to drive you to investigate. It would be a hundred times worse for you and any eventual children you might have if you legalize this mess.

Think of what you want, what you need, what you deserve as a woman, a human being. Your two-year investment in this nowhere relationship can be considered a schooling of sorts: you’ve earned an Associate’s Degree in Futility. There is more to life than being shackled to a cardboard cut-out of man. I know; I’ve done my time in the irons.

Limerick **
 
Do you REALLY think this guy is good husband material? Especially the “forsaking all others” part? Move out and find yourself a real man.
 
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