Helping a child handle adversity :(

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TheRealJuliane

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Oh, help.

Our younger son has just been refused admission into the college that wouldn’t accept him as a freshman. He’s been rejected by this college for the 2nd time, although his grades across 2 semesters at the satellite school were A’s and B’s except for ONE C. His heart is broken, he’s angry, frustrated, and doesn’t know where to turn. He’s tried to fix the mistakes he made during his sophomore year in high school, but it just seems to keep kicking him over and over again. The only parallel I can think of is someone who has been convicted of a crime. Only his crime was not getting high enough grades and SAT scores. The colleges here in Texas are swamped by applications and have their pick, but also must enroll the top 10% of all public high schools, so they do not have enough places for all the applicants.

Can you pray for him please? I don’t know what to tell him. Of course he’s been praying, especially to St. Augustine, all through this year and after the semester was over. He sees the rejection as meaning that he’s worthless. I’ve been trying to let him vent but also remind him that he’s still a good person and that this doesn’t mean he’s any less than wonderful, but he’s very angry and hurt. And he’s always been emotionally volatile, so when he’s hurt, he’s VERY hurt and when angry, full of rage.

Of course at the moment it’s just him and me - his older brother is out of state and his dad is on a business trip. This has a way of happening, leaving me alone to deal with the devastation and figure out what to do and say. Only I’m drawing a total blank. I was also really hoping this would work out, but not really daring to hope, and I can’t say I’m surprised, just horribly disappointed.

I wish I knew something that would help him. It’s a terrible blow to his ego. And messes up all of his plans. Should I tell him that God has another plan for him? I’m not even sure I believe that at this point! 😦

Now I want to cry! Geez, can’t this kid catch a break??? :bighanky:
 
My prayers are with both of you! I’m not sure if you should tell him God has a better plan for him (at this point, at least), though this is certainly true, it may cause him to become angry with God. Not that it’s a sin to do so or question God, but I’m not sure where he is in his faith. You know best where he is at. You may want to point him to people in the Bible and saints who have had disappointments and plans deferred or denied.

I struggle with the same sort of doubts and anger due to my lifelong condition and inability to pursue an independent life. People tell me there is a plan and purpose for my life, and most days I can truly accept this, but when it is tough, I have to fight through my own doubts and return to a place where I am content.

I am not sure if anything is helpful but I’ve been there and it does get better. It is just a process.

:console:
 
What’s his major?

College is becoming obsolete. I have a lot of recommendations for young men. They should switch up the way they look at college.

Is he at Community college? Does he have an associates?
 
He’s in biology at the moment, has wanted to be in marine bio. He’s at a branch of the main college, not community college. The main college has admissions standards that allow it to turn away a lot of applicants. You basically have to be all that and a side of fries to get in any more. Lots of students don’t make it, but he’s had his heart set on it now for the last semester since his counselor told him he still had a shot. He ended up getting a C in his chemistry class and I suppose that ended his automatic admission. So all As and Bs doesn’t even do it any more. :mad:

College is becoming impossible, not necessarily obsolete. I think it’s stupid to spend 4 years and a lot of money and come out with no guarantee of a job. I wouldn’t do it and I wouldn’t recommend most young people to do it. But everyone has to go to college now, so the schools can be choosey.

I’m pretty disgusted right now.
 
Has he thought of the Military?

He could get a great physical regiment, education, new extended family. . .

Plus, if he joined the MARINES, he’d be eternally greatful to GOD for just allowing him another day to wear skin and suck air. College acceptance or lack thereof would not even lift the needle off of the peg.

😉
 
Some suggestions:

Try applying for admission during one of the off-cycle semesters, so that he would start in the spring semester or the summer semester. Back in my day, at least, it was easier to get in in spring or summer than starting in the fall, when they have a huge number of applicants.

If he doesn’t have an associate’s degree, earning one from a community college could be a good way to get into the college he wants. Also, it tends to be the last degree you earned that is looked at most closely. So, if he did well in community college and earned a degree, that can offset a less-than-stellar high school career.

See if he can get admitted as a provisional student, or as a guest student (if they still have those). If he can take classes at the university of his choice, even if he is not formally admitted into a degree program, then he will have the opportunity to demonstrate that he is capable of work at the level of this university.

If he takes a couple years off college, works, and then tries again he would probably be considered a non-traditional student, and he might have an easier time getting in since a lot of universities seem to have special programs to handle adults who are going back to school.

I hope this helps…
 
Least said:
Has he thought of the Military?

He could get a great physical regiment, education, new extended family. . .

Plus, if he joined the MARINES, he’d be eternally greatful to GOD for just allowing him another day to wear skin and suck air. College acceptance or lack thereof would not even lift the needle off of the peg.

😉
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I wish he could. He has a medical condition which makes it impossible for the military to feed him properly. He would be rejected if he applied. But thanks, hopefully it may help someone else.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
He’s in biology at the moment, has wanted to be in marine bio. He’s at a branch of the main college, not community college. The main college has admissions standards that allow it to turn away a lot of applicants. You basically have to be all that and a side of fries to get in any more. Lots of students don’t make it, but he’s had his heart set on it now for the last semester since his counselor told him he still had a shot. He ended up getting a C in his chemistry class and I suppose that ended his automatic admission. So all As and Bs doesn’t even do it any more. :mad:

College is becoming impossible, not necessarily obsolete. I think it’s stupid to spend 4 years and a lot of money and come out with no guarantee of a job. I wouldn’t do it and I wouldn’t recommend most young people to do it. But everyone has to go to college now, so the schools can be choosey.

I’m pretty disgusted right now.
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I’d seriously try again in the spring. A lot of incoming freshman drop out during their first semester, so it might be easier to get in then.
 
I will be praying for you and your son. College is tough, I worked full time and went to school fulltime for now 3 years later the industry I was going into the bottom has essentially fallen out and I’m starting school again for a different career. I KNOW how your son feels. My career/schooling escapades have made me feel worthless too but he and you have to keep praying. As some other posters have said please consider all your options. If military is something he is interested in that can be a great opportunity if he isn’t interested or feel it would be a bad fit, consider distance learning and online options as well. Some of these have very good financial aid packages. Your city/county may have a education and career center that will provide counciling free of charge. Your son can go there and learn about options that he may not otherwise know to consider. Also don’t forget to encourage him to do volunteer or internship somewhere if the opportunity presents itself these can open doors that would otherwise be closed. You are in my prayers.
 
Life, like baseball, is hard on people who don’t cope well with pain or failure, but it is still normal to mourn when things go wrong. After all, what would you think if he greeted the news of his rejection with nonchalance? I can’t stand it when people try to “comfort” small children by saying “c’mon, that didn’t hurt!” Sheesh, of course it hurts! I much prefer the tack of taking a matter-of-fact demeanor, but saying “Wow, that looks like it hurt…are you OK?” The message is that hurts aren’t the end of the world, it doesn’t make you a bad person when the world hurts you, but they are still hurts.

I think I’d do this: “You’re going to get past this, we’ll figure something out, but for right now, it just stinks. Let’s go out for dinner, bad-mouth the university over our favorite food, and then order desserts that are too big for us. There will be time enough to think about what to do next some other day. For right now, we’ll just be glad we don’t have to go through this kind of stuff alone.” If he resists, you can say, “Hey. This is a gratitude for family dinner. If you give me guff, I’m going to make you treat. C’mon, get in the car.”

Put off “what to do next” talk until the rest of the family gets home. It will wait that long.
 
mafh said:
I’d seriously try again in the spring. A lot of incoming freshman drop out during their first semester, so it might be easier to get in then.
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I think he’s going to give up on any further applications, he’s really hacked off at the moment. However, he’s still in shock and angry, so we’ll let things settle for a couple of days and see.

The college has now rejected him twice. His ego is having a hard time having taking it.
 
Is there any way for him to “network” with someone at the college like an admissions counselor or even someone who teaches in the department he’d like to major in? Maybe even as a volunteer or grading papers or any kind of way to get face time and familiarity? Or with someone who knows one of the above? Or to do community work or job experience that is related to the field? To communicate with those already in that field of study, take an online course, anything that will be a small step toward the goal and a way of making connections. It’s not always easy to find, I know, but sometimes it could help.

Hoping and praying for the best for him and you and your family.
 
EasterJoy said:
Life, like baseball, is hard on people who don’t cope well with pain or failure, but it is still normal to mourn when things go wrong. After all, what would you think if he greeted the news of his rejection with nonchalance? I can’t stand it when people try to “comfort” small children by saying “c’mon, that didn’t hurt!” Sheesh, of course it hurts! I much prefer the tack of taking a matter-of-fact demeanor, but saying “Wow, that looks like it hurt…are you OK?” The message is that hurts aren’t the end of the world, it doesn’t make you a bad person when the world hurts you, but they are still hurts.

I think I’d do this: “You’re going to get past this, we’ll figure something out, but for right now, it just stinks. Let’s go out for dinner, bad-mouth the university over our favorite food, and then order desserts that are too big for us. There will be time enough to think about what to do next some other day. For right now, we’ll just be glad we don’t have to go through this kind of stuff alone.” If he resists, you can say, “Hey. This is a gratitude for family dinner. If you give me guff, I’m going to make you treat. C’mon, get in the car.”

Put off “what to do next” talk until the rest of the family gets home. It will wait that long.
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Wise advice as always, EasterJoy. He probably won’t go out to dinner with me but I can try. He’s got a friend over now which I think has to help in many ways. He shouldn’t be alone and wallowing in self-pity. I’d rather he get angry at the university as you say, than sit and be miserable and blame himself. I keep telling him, “No one has died, and it’s just a school, and you are the same person you were yesterday.” (From where I stand, unless someone really has died, everything can be fixed. One reason losing a lot of people during one’s life gives one a certain detached perspective on other things…)
 
Miss_Felicity said:
I will be praying for you and your son. College is tough, I worked full time and went to school fulltime for now 3 years later the industry I was going into the bottom has essentially fallen out and I’m starting school again for a different career. I KNOW how your son feels. My career/schooling escapades have made me feel worthless too but he and you have to keep praying. As some other posters have said please consider all your options. If military is something he is interested in that can be a great opportunity if he isn’t interested or feel it would be a bad fit, consider distance learning and online options as well. Some of these have very good financial aid packages. Your city/county may have a education and career center that will provide counciling free of charge. Your son can go there and learn about options that he may not otherwise know to consider. Also don’t forget to encourage him to do volunteer or internship somewhere if the opportunity presents itself these can open doors that would otherwise be closed. You are in my prayers.
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Thank you for the prayers! I mean, really, thank you so much. I can feel people’s prayers and it helps me so much. I hope HE can feel the prayers too.

Good point about distance learning! We will consider that too. One of the mistakes that we made is to assume that he was going to make it into the university in the first place, and as it turned out, that is the only college he applied to (we thought he’d at least applied to one other, but he never finished his application). So he had no fall-back or Plan B. At least this time, he still has the branch college to return to, although neither he nor I want him to go back there. I am trying to tell him that everything is your attitude - he could go back there and succeed, and even enjoy it, and make it work. I’ve done stuff that I hated, and I endured, and even triumphed. But the frustrating thing is that you can’t really share these stories when your kid is upset, because it sounds too much like you’re trying to stop them from having their feelings. I am not, but I also want him to know that even when life doesn’t seem to be working, we can’t just give up.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Wise advice as always, EasterJoy. He probably won’t go out to dinner with me but I can try. He’s got a friend over now which I think has to help in many ways. He shouldn’t be alone and wallowing in self-pity. I’d rather he get angry at the university as you say, than sit and be miserable and blame himself. I keep telling him, “No one has died, and it’s just a school, and you are the same person you were yesterday.” (From where I stand, unless someone really has died, everything can be fixed. One reason losing a lot of people during one’s life gives one a certain detached perspective on other things…)
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Well, no, nobody has died, but still, it was the school he wanted, and it really stinks. No fixing right now. Wait until the swelling goes down.

It would be good if they can get out of the house. Do they golf? Do they like movies? If you can swing it, give his friend some money to go distract themselves somewhere, and tell him they had better not come home intoxicated. Even a guy of legal age should not drink more than a minimal amount of alcohol when he’s nursing a wound.
 
EasterJoy said:
Well, no, nobody has died, but still, it was the school he wanted, and it really stinks. No fixing right now. Wait until the swelling goes down.

It would be good if they can get out of the house. Do they golf? Do they like movies? If you can swing it, give his friend some money to go distract themselves somewhere, and tell him they had better not come home intoxicated. Even a guy of legal age should not drink more than a minimal amount of alcohol when he’s nursing a wound.
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They are playing video games at the moment, but I might can talk them into going to the trampoline place…I’d rather they do something physical than a movie. I don’t think this friend drinks. I’m thinking about a glass of wine, though.
 
The C was in a core course for that major. I’m not surprised he didn’t get in.

Can he retake the chemistry course and expunge the C from his GPA?
 
This is one of the hardest parts of parenting isn’t it! These moments cause me so much anguish more now that my kids are young adults and you simply haven’t got the capacities and abilities to ‘save’ them the way we could in most childhood problems.

I always remember Maria von Trapp telling Leisle in this sort of hopeless situation “When God closes a door, somewhere He opens a window” and it’s such a truth but of course we never see it that way until we look back with retrospect. I think your presence to him is more than you realise. It says no matter if the whole world is against you, I’ll always love you. Sometimes you don’t have anything more to give than your loving presence but that’s a hell of a lot really.

Blessings and all the best to you both.
 
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