Helping a child handle adversity :(

  • Thread starter Thread starter TheRealJuliane
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Damn. It is SO hard to see our children rejected, even if it is a justifiable rejection. It just hurts! It can be the most reasonable “no” in the world, but to see your child so disappointed breaks your heart.

When I was in high school our counselors always said to apply to 3 “reach” schools, 3 “realistic” schools, and 3 “safeties.” It sounds like your son had his heart on just this one campus. All his eggs in one basket, busted 😦

I’d retake the chemistry course and get an A. Really, you can’t expunge an older grade but you can show you tried again and beat the beast. If he can’t get an A in chem, maybe a change in major is in order. Because organic chem is just around the corner with an Earth science degree…

And I agree with him meeting an admissions counselor and saying “What do I need to do to make it next semester?” Then he can decide what to do with that information.

You and I know there are lots of colleges out there and that this is but a blip on the radar of life, but he’s bummed and it sucks. I’m sorry. I’ll keep him in my prayers.
 
JackieMom said:
Damn. It is SO hard to see our children rejected, even if it is a justifiable rejection. It just hurts! It can be the most reasonable “no” in the world, but to see your child so disappointed breaks your heart.

When I was in high school our counselors always said to apply to 3 “reach” schools, 3 “realistic” schools, and 3 “safeties.” It sounds like your son had his heart on just this one campus. All his eggs in one basket, busted 😦

I’d retake the chemistry course and get an A. Really, you can’t expunge an older grade but you can show you tried again and beat the beast. If he can’t get an A in chem, maybe a change in major is in order. Because organic chem is just around the corner with an Earth science degree…

And I agree with him meeting an admissions counselor and saying “What do I need to do to make it next semester?” Then he can decide what to do with that information.

You and I know there are lots of colleges out there and that this is but a blip on the radar of life, but he’s bummed and it sucks. I’m sorry. I’ll keep him in my prayers.
Click to expand...
Thanks so much for the prayers. Yes, this school is what he has targeted, and he really didn’t even finish his applications to other schools. 😦 I mistakenly thought he had a decent chance of getting in the first time, or I’d have pushed him harder to apply at other schools and made sure he followed through.

At least he has not blamed his failure on anything but his own choices to blow off his sophomore year in favor of his girlfriend at the time. That shows a hell of a lot of maturity.

I’ll see if he will go and talk to an admissions counselor. If not, he’s got to have another plan.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Oh, help.

Our younger son has just been refused admission into the college that wouldn’t accept him as a freshman. He’s been rejected by this college for the 2nd time, although his grades across 2 semesters at the satellite school were A’s and B’s except for ONE C. His heart is broken, he’s angry, frustrated, and doesn’t know where to turn. He’s tried to fix the mistakes he made during his sophomore year in high school, but it just seems to keep kicking him over and over again. The only parallel I can think of is someone who has been convicted of a crime. Only his crime was not getting high enough grades and SAT scores. The colleges here in Texas are swamped by applications and have their pick, but also must enroll the top 10% of all public high schools, so they do not have enough places for all the applicants.
Click to expand...
Is there a school that’s a little bit more in need of applicants, that he could try? It might not have the same reputation, but what if he did two years at a less prestigious school, and then transfered to his first choice for third year?
 
jmcrae said:
Is there a school that’s a little bit more in need of applicants, that he could try? It might not have the same reputation, but what if he did two years at a less prestigious school, and then transfered to his first choice for third year?
Click to expand...
We’ll go over some of his options tomorrow or Wednesday when his dad gets back. Today I’m just letting him hang out with his friend and not think about all of it and the implications. I don’t think it would be worth waiting yet another year to get to the main campus, but I don’t know what he’ll decide to do.
 
So has anyone had a kid who either messed things up like this or went a different way and succeeded? I’m still in a bit of shock this morning. He missed getting in by half a point! Does he really even WANT to go? Did he work hard enough, or did he slack off thinking that he could squeak by? Can he even study properly? He won’t accept help, won’t go to a tutoring center, he’s got too much pride I suppose.

Did I pray enough for him? Maybe if I’d prayed even more…I don’t think that’s true but it’s running through my head. Did I make the right decisions all along in his education? Maybe if I’d…Second guessing, my stock in trade…it’s painful.

I wish I knew what’s ahead for this boy.

😦
 
And, does anyone have a good book recommendation for inspiration? Saints, or just regular folks, who have gone through adversity and triumphed? I don’t meant financial success - although that can be one element - but in spiritual growth and helping others, satisfaction, etc. Obviously there are stories like that of Bill Gates, but he’s not exactly a role model I would like to point my son toward.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
And, does anyone have a good book recommendation for inspiration? Saints, or just regular folks, who have gone through adversity and triumphed? I don’t meant financial success - although that can be one element - but in spiritual growth and helping others, satisfaction, etc. Obviously there are stories like that of Bill Gates, but he’s not exactly a role model I would like to point my son toward.
Click to expand...
Well, I know he’s not a saint, but there are several good documentaries and novels on Thomas Edison; he had several difficulties throughout his life, but he was able to be an inspiration. Young Tom Edison with Mickey Rooney was always a favorite movie.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
So has anyone had a kid who either messed things up like this or went a different way and succeeded? I’m still in a bit of shock this morning. He missed getting in by half a point! Does he really even WANT to go? Did he work hard enough, or did he slack off thinking that he could squeak by? Can he even study properly? He won’t accept help, won’t go to a tutoring center, he’s got too much pride I suppose.

Did I pray enough for him? Maybe if I’d prayed even more…I don’t think that’s true but it’s running through my head. Did I make the right decisions all along in his education? Maybe if I’d…Second guessing, my stock in trade…it’s painful.

I wish I knew what’s ahead for this boy.

😦
Click to expand...
Good questions! I happen to have the same ones!

Maybe, just maybe, he really is supposed to be somewhere else. If he didn’t research any other colleges, there may be another out there for him that would be a good fit. I know what it is like to want to go to a certain school because of their traditions, atmosphere, etc., but sometimes when the kids search deeper they find other places that are a better fit for them and they start to let go of the more popular places.

He’s not going to want to hear that, though. Maybe if you investigate a summer course AND other schools at the same time he might be open to the idea. Maybe a college by the ocean? For marine biology? That would be a pretty good alternative!
 
TheRealJuliane said:
So has anyone had a kid who either messed things up like this or went a different way and succeeded? I’m still in a bit of shock this morning. He missed getting in by half a point! Does he really even WANT to go? Did he work hard enough, or did he slack off thinking that he could squeak by? Can he even study properly? He won’t accept help, won’t go to a tutoring center, he’s got too much pride I suppose.

Did I pray enough for him? Maybe if I’d prayed even more…I don’t think that’s true but it’s running through my head. Did I make the right decisions all along in his education? Maybe if I’d…Second guessing, my stock in trade…it’s painful.

I wish I knew what’s ahead for this boy.

😦
Click to expand...
You have received some wonderful advice from many others. I would say that part of the healing and recovery process is for him and you to accept the mourning that goes with a loss. I believe another poster said “nobody died” but in a sense there was a “death”, a death to certain dreams, expectations, and what getting into the college of one’s dreams means to him and for you. It is important not to deny this feeling but not be overcome by it. Remember you can’t get to Easter Sunday without Good Friday.

In the 1970s one of the first books written in the first person by a woman with breast cancer was called “First, You Cry”. I use that title with students and clients to help them realize that this is an acceptance of the pain. Then the healing and changes can begin.

Your son has some issues to overcome – his unwillingness to accept help is something HE needs to deal with, not you! So far, doing it all by himself has not worked…so what is the alternative? Is he open to the concept that strength can often mean acknowledging what is lacking and finding ways to fill the gap?

Now, for you the future is also difficult. Mom, you can’t fix this – nor should you. You can pray, offer suggestions, hold up alternatives, etc. – but he has to do the work. In your own experience you now have a glimpse of the pain the Father has when he sees he children go off “on their own”. Yet, he lets them – to stumble and fall.

I think of the words of Psalm 81:

“But my people did not heed my voice
and Israel would not obey
so I left them in their stubborness of heart
to follow their own designs”
 
I have friends who went to top notch schools, and they’re struggling to find jobs like everyone else–working below their abilities with people who went to mediocre colleges. I have other friends who went to mid-level schools, didn’t study too hard, and came out with their dream six-figure job. Your school will not necessarily hold you back, just as going to the best school isn’t a guarantee of success anymore. The only people who are guaranteed success are the ones who go into Harvard, Yale, etc because of family name and who know that they will be working for a family company or using their connections. Most people do not have this luxury. I know people who have this luxury who don’t even want the jobs they’ve been offered. Yes, it’s annoying. You have to brush it off your shoulder.

Tell your son to start emailing labs like crazy. I think my best friend sent out around 100 emails one summer. She got her foot in the door at a good company. Ask if he can intern doing ANYTHING. That means menial paperwork. I labelled boxes and cleaned an office to get doctors to write me good recommendations for med school. You have to get yourself out there. You have to get people to know who you are. I went to a “good” college, but not the best. My grades were impeccable, test scores good, but I never did anything else to distinguish myself in high school, so the best colleges turned me down. As soon as I got to undergrad, I started joining whatever I could. I made sure the professors knew who I was. I don’t mean to act arrogant or attention-seeking in the typical way. I mean that you need to try to make people genuinely know you.

Don’t let your son think that this is the end because it is definitely not. It might be a small hindrance, and I put an emphasis on * might*.

If he wants to go to grad school after this, then he needs to do well on the GRE. Buy all of the books and study hard. Write a good personal statement. His current school should have people to help with that, if it’s not his thing. Just make sure he knows that everyone at the main campus isn’t set for life. It’s a rocky time for everyone.
 
A shocking development. It’s a good shock, but I swear this 24 hours has taken YEARS off my life.

I hated to go to bed last night, leaving my son up, still having weeping periods, feeling angry and sad in turns. When I finally did to go bed, I took my rosary with me, and when I got into bed I found that I did not know how to pray. I am not one of these people who is ever without a prayer, but I was unable to request anything. I just said, “Please Holy Spirit, take it for me, take it to God.”

When my son turned his phone on this morning, he had an email from the school, telling him that yesterday’s notice was a MISTAKE and that he IS admitted after all. :eek:

Not daring to think it could be true, I immediately went to the school’s website, looked up this person, and sent him an email asking him to confirm that my son is admitted. He did that, and also returned my son’s call and explained again that it was a mistake, and that yes, he is admitted for the fall semester.

I don’t know which of the saints or perhaps which of YOU fine prayer warriors helped him out…But THANK YOU! :dancing::love::extrahappy:

:flowers::yyeess:

There’s a lot to do before August. I will be on here a lot less. But I think I just experienced a minor miracle. Now I have to learn not how to handle adversity, but how to allow and enjoy BLESSINGS! 😉
 
TheRealJuliane said:
A shocking development. It’s a good shock, but I swear this 24 hours has taken YEARS off my life.

I hated to go to bed last night, leaving my son up, still having weeping periods, feeling angry and sad in turns. When I finally did to go bed, I took my rosary with me, and when I got into bed I found that I did not know how to pray. I am not one of these people who is ever without a prayer, but I was unable to request anything. I just said, “Please Holy Spirit, take it for me, take it to God.”

When my son turned his phone on this morning, he had an email from the school, telling him that yesterday’s notice was a MISTAKE and that he IS admitted after all. :eek:

Not daring to think it could be true, I immediately went to the school’s website, looked up this person, and sent him an email asking him to confirm that my son is admitted. He did that, and also returned my son’s call and explained again that it was a mistake, and that yes, he is admitted for the fall semester.

I don’t know which of the saints or perhaps which of YOU fine prayer warriors helped him out…But THANK YOU! :dancing::love::extrahappy:

:flowers::yyeess:

There’s a lot to do before August. I will be on here a lot less. But I think I just experienced a minor miracle. Now I have to learn not how to handle adversity, but how to allow and enjoy BLESSINGS! 😉
Click to expand...
WHOOP!!! Prayers answered.
 
Yay! I’m so glad that this thread had a happy ending…

…although actually, it’s just the beginning.

I hope the school and the major and the career is everything he dreamed it would be.

Our class valedictorian was a highly intelligent girl who was accepted into a college with a reputation for tough academics, and she majored in engineering. This was back in 1975, when girls were rare in this major. But she was very smart, and everyone kept telling her to go into engineering, since math and science were easy for her.

She got her degree, got a great, high-paying job, worked for several years, and HATED IT!

So she went back to school (she had a child by that time) and earned her Masters and PhD in Psychology and got a job in our hospital, and she LOVES it!

My very best friend (since 2nd grade) always wanted to be an accountant. She worked in her dad’s office every summer once she became a teenager, and did bookkeeping, and loved it, and looked forward to earning her B.S. and passing her CPA exam.

She achieved all these goals, got a job in accounting…and HATED IT!!!

So she quit and joined the Air Force, and spent 30 years working as a weapons specialist (officer). She LOVED it! Just retired this year (at age 55). Her husband was also an Air Force officer, and between the two of them, they earn quite a nice pension.

It’s amazing how sometimes the career path that we dream of all our lives doesn’t do it for us once we are actually doing it. That’s why I say that I hope your son’s life is all that he hopes for, and better!
 
Of all the college graduates I know, I might be able to name to name five who, 10 years after graduating, were/are still working in the fields in which they majored.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
A shocking development. It’s a good shock, but I swear this 24 hours has taken YEARS off my life.

I hated to go to bed last night, leaving my son up, still having weeping periods, feeling angry and sad in turns. When I finally did to go bed, I took my rosary with me, and when I got into bed I found that I did not know how to pray. I am not one of these people who is ever without a prayer, but I was unable to request anything. I just said, “Please Holy Spirit, take it for me, take it to God.”

When my son turned his phone on this morning, he had an email from the school, telling him that yesterday’s notice was a MISTAKE and that he IS admitted after all. :eek:

Not daring to think it could be true, I immediately went to the school’s website, looked up this person, and sent him an email asking him to confirm that my son is admitted. He did that, and also returned my son’s call and explained again that it was a mistake, and that yes, he is admitted for the fall semester.

I don’t know which of the saints or perhaps which of YOU fine prayer warriors helped him out…But THANK YOU! :dancing::love::extrahappy:

:flowers::yyeess:

There’s a lot to do before August. I will be on here a lot less. But I think I just experienced a minor miracle. Now I have to learn not how to handle adversity, but how to allow and enjoy BLESSINGS! 😉
Click to expand...
WOW oh wow TRJ. That is wonderful.

Annie
 
That is wonderful news. He did deserve a break.

And all the talk about the major, the school, whether it is worth it or not, is all fine and good.

But the kid wants to be an Aggie.
 
After all the excitement dies down, I would still encourage him to always be prepared to have back-up plans and look at all angles to get done what he wants to get done because blessings like this won’t always happen. God helps those who help himself. Maybe this is an excellent life lesson for him!!!

SOOO happy for him.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top