Helping couple on brink of divorce

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Relatives of mine are on the brink of divorce and while we kind of saw it coming, they didn’t mention anythingnto us until after having filed and pretty much moved on. This happened only a couple of months ago and we haven’t seen them at all during that period as they have been trying to avoid us for some time…

He finally made it official to us a month ago but does not want to talk about it in any way- I assume he is too hurt- but surprisingly, she accepted a coffee date invite.

They have been together since their teens and are both still young and have young children.

Firstly, above all I am concerned formtheir little kids who are being exposed to all of this-mom now brings the BF home, dad lives down the street and also got himself in a relationship right away.

I am also very concerned for the two of them as they seem to be completely blinded.
they were having a difficult time in their marriage, after so many years it’s understandable, she ended up contracting other interests and didn’t manage to hide it too well so they just decided to give up and move on. There is no abuse or alcoholism involved. They changed their facebook status, started deleting the pictures of each other, etc. The usual routine of breakups these days.

I am meeting with her tomorrow and would love to be able to approach this topic in a sensible manner but one in which I could perhaps be of some help. Make them halt and at least think about the choices they’ve been making, about their future, their children etc…
I was thinking kind of just asking her straight out how things are going and what her hopes are for this new stage in her life- my gut feeling is that she doesn’t even know- so hopefully that will give her something to think about…

For those of you who have been through this kind of crisis, how were you able to mend? What helped? What did people tell you or wish they had told you?

On the one hand things may just eventually die down (with their new “flames”) but I’m afraid it may be too late by then, I would also live to help minimize the effect this will have on the children…

Any tips, along with prayers?
Thanks
 
Having been through this a couple of times, I would completely stay out of it. I would tell them that I want to remain friends with each and don’t want to hear anything about the divorce. Seriously, one tells you all their problems and it sounds awful, and then the other does, and that sounds awful, and it just becomes a mess. The best thing you can do is to pray for them a lot and let them sort their relationship out themselves.

So pray and pray.
 
1inICXC said:
Relatives of mine are on the brink of divorce and while we kind of saw it coming, they didn’t mention anythingnto us until after having filed and pretty much moved on. This happened only a couple of months ago and we haven’t seen them at all during that period as they have been trying to avoid us for some time…

He finally made it official to us a month ago but does not want to talk about it in any way- I assume he is too hurt- but surprisingly, she accepted a coffee date invite.

They have been together since their teens and are both still young and have young children.

Firstly, above all I am concerned formtheir little kids who are being exposed to all of this-mom now brings the BF home, dad lives down the street and also got himself in a relationship right away.

I am also very concerned for the two of them as they seem to be completely blinded.
they were having a difficult time in their marriage, after so many years it’s understandable, she ended up contracting other interests and didn’t manage to hide it too well so they just decided to give up and move on. There is no abuse or alcoholism involved. They changed their facebook status, started deleting the pictures of each other, etc. The usual routine of breakups these days.

I am meeting with her tomorrow and would love to be able to approach this topic in a sensible manner but one in which I could perhaps be of some help. Make them halt and at least think about the choices they’ve been making, about their future, their children etc…
I was thinking kind of just asking her straight out how things are going and what her hopes are for this new stage in her life- my gut feeling is that she doesn’t even know- so hopefully that will give her something to think about…

For those of you who have been through this kind of crisis, how were you able to mend? What helped? What did people tell you or wish they had told you?

On the one hand things may just eventually die down (with their new “flames”) but I’m afraid it may be too late by then, I would also live to help minimize the effect this will have on the children…

Any tips, along with prayers?
Thanks
Click to expand...
Maybe you can get a sense from her how she feels about going forward. The point is to listen. Some time apart may, or may not, have changed her mind.

I wish people had told me to wait to date. This is important. Not only from the standpoint of any moral and religious prohibitions (those too), but because I was not ready to date anyone so I did just that – just dated anyone. When children are involved it’s absolutely important to wait – and never introduce “dates” to children until you are sure that this is the person you want to stay with. But that’s secular advice.

I also wish that we had stopped and gotten counseling or we not moved so quickly to the courts, but maybe had lived apart for awhile. However, some marriage are not able to be repaired, so you need to keep an open mind so as not to alienate her. Baby steps are called for here.

It’s good to help the children get grounded first into the new life before Mom and Dad start seeing other people, and never to involve the children until or unless they are serious about this new person because it’s too disruptive and confusing to children to just meet “dates.” There are books on this, about dating and children but that’s the general idea – if she’s open to hearing it.

Obviously, if Catholic they should not be dating at all, until the divorce and then the annulment is final, but you want to listen first and get a sense of where she is at. Listen between the lines. I think what you said about changing the FB status and all that is one upmanship. But if you can get a better sense of where she’s at, and maybe what broke marriage up, you will know how to advise her. At least one is willing to meet with you. From that you may get a sense of whether either is open to repairing the marriage or if it can be repaired. Sometimes a separation is good when it’s used to work out problems without living together 24/7 because it changes perspectives. Just be an “ear” and see if you can detect whether she’s opened to hearing you.

I would have asked you if they were regulars at their Church?

Good luck and God Bless.

Pray the Our Father before you go.
 
Lord, help us this couple to remember when they first met and the strong love that grew between them.

To work that love into practical things so nothing can divide them.

I ask for words both kind and loving, and for hearts always ready to ask forgiveness as well as to forgive.

Dear Lord, I put their marriage into Your hands.

Amen.
 
I’ll pray for them! We almost divorced - but through prayer, Retrovouille and counseling through our Diocese as well as wonderful help from a priest (and my spiritual director), we got through our issues, and we realized we have to work on those problems/issues every single day to make it work. Our marriage is not perfect, no marriage is, but we are learning how to truly show love to each other and respect each other. 11 yrs it’s taken us to just begin understanding how to do this!

This is family, not just some random friend - be a good listener, be compassionate, and offer the fact that there is help out there if both parties are willing and open to it. Even 1 spouse can try going to a counselor to talk things through - marriage, esp. with children, is worth at least trying to open the communication between husband and wife and perhaps they’ll discover divorce is really not what they want, it’s just so easy to give up nowadays. And most diocese counselors will work with budget, if finances are tight.

Whatever they’re decision, help them feel they are not alone with their problems! I would discourage her from dating anyone - there’s too much to deal with as it is (and the obvious, she’s still married) and give her marriage a chance, no matter how small a chance in her mind it may be.
 
1inICXC said:
Any tips, along with prayers?
Click to expand...
“Sally, we’re just so sorry this is happening to you and Bill. You’re in our prayers. Andy and Minnie are always welcome to come over to our house to play, so keep that in mind.”

Repeat with husband.

This is about all you can do.

One of the surest ways to get yourself neck deep in a lifetime’s worth of psychodrama is to get involved in someone else’s divorce. And no matter the outcome, you will end up the bad guy. I watched my mother-in-law tie herself into knots when she took an active part in her niece’s divorce with everything ranging from money to advice to information about what her husband was up to. Today all she’s got to show got for her efforts is the fact that the niece and the niece’s dad (her brother) aren’t speaking to her any more.

Luna
 
Thank you for the replies everyone!

I’ll definitely try to avoid finding out all the nitty gritty, most of it is obvious enough.

Unfortunately, both of them are already involved with other people, on her side it’s been someone dating from before they even filed for divorce, and the children already know and I can imagine are totally shattered… I really don’t know how young children process this kind of information but I think their innocence, trust and sense of security are all gone…
 
Just wanted to thank you allagain and to give a little update.

We had a great discussion and she took really well to my questions, concerns and advice and hours later she thanked me again over the phone and told me she had been meditating on everything I said during that hour and she realizes it is right AND that she would like ome kind of spiritual direction to get her on a right path with God. It had got her thinking about all the work they never put in the marriage, her on weaknesses and brokenness and the children who have had to endure all the tension and conflict. She is not ready to even think about going back but she does want to start working on herself, praised be God!

I’m saying this because I always have doubts and fears when it comes to getting into others’ personal affairs and i have avoided this for so long and now I realize it could’ve been of much greater help a few months ago.

We are our brother’s keeper and it confirmed to me that we should always, at least, try.
I realize she could’ve gotten argumentative and hostile in which case I’d have had to drop it but in the end I wouldn’t have lost anything and they wouldn’t be “more divorced”. I know how many times in my life I was desperate for someone, anyone, to ask me what was wrong or offer the slightest help or encouragement, butinstead, when I was most down or in most turmoil, that’s when everyone close to me decided they should leave me to myself. A lot of heart ache can be spared when someone who cares steps in.

Bottom line, thank you for your advice and prayers and let’s not shy away from the opportunity to shine a ray of God’s light in someone’s life who is lost or in despair.
 
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