Helping my daughter learn emotional skills

[Angels_Unaware]

I am trying to think of ways to help my 12-year old daughter remain calm and focused during her competitive volleyball tournaments. She is in a private competitive league that she had to try out for, and we had to pay several hundred dollars for her to join. On Saturdays the team plays constant consecutive games, usually about 6, for a 10-hour stretch, so it is exhausting for the girls.

Yesterday was her first tournament. She played well for the first 3 games, but during the fourth game she started to play badly. First she missed her serve, which is a big deal at this level of play. Next, she was playing at the very end of the court and missed three hard returns very close to the line. The coach had to pull her out of the game. When she got pulled out of the game, she immediately burst into tears, and she couldn’t recover. When the coach put her back in the game, she was still crying, and played badly the rest of the game. She did stop crying by the last game, but they lost that game, and the team came in 4th in the tournament.

I actually was only there for part of the day. Her dad was with her the whole time. I had to take my 4-year old daughter to her dancing lesson in the morning and then on Saturday afternoons I assist with the preschool Catechism class at Church. I told my daughter that we would talk about ways to handle pressure when she feels better. She is exhausted and resting. The problem is I am not sure what to say, because she and I have very different personalities. She is very sweet, and a people-pleaser. When she gets angry, instead of anger focusing her and motivating her, it overwhelms her and she either turns it inward and pouts or starts to cry.

If I were choking in a competition, I would turn inward and focus and concentrate. When I get angry, it makes me more assertive and aggressive. If I were on the court, that’s how I would have handled the situation. I don’t know how to help my daughter turn her aggression into something productive, because I don’t understand the way she handles her aggression. She has a wonderful personality, and I admire and love the way she is able to be pleasant and non-confrontational, and I admire how popular she is and how sweet she is. Everyone loves her, and I love that about her, because it’s very different from my personality. But, a negative aspect of her personality is this tendency to turn the anger inward and transform it into tears instead of letting it fuel her drive and motivation.

I am looking for tricks to help her stay calm, from any former athletes. Thanks.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Maybe competitive sports are not for her?

Also, with your different personalities you have to be extra careful not to tell her what YOU would do, like that is the best way to handle things.

Honestly, that many hours and that level of competition doesn’t seem healthy for a 12 year old girl who doesn’t seem to have that kind of spirit. And being exhausted can also manifest in meltdowns (I know I can become an emotional wreck when I’m tired) and also not eating regularly and keeping the blood sugar stable.**

 

[Angels_Unaware]

I have not told her to be like me.

I am asking for advice on how to help her focus and stay calm, as regardless of her personality, this is an important emotional skill.

She is the person who wants to be in volleyball, so I am not going to decide that because she had one negative experience that the best thing to do is pull her out.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

have you read up on the 4 temperaments? Find the book “personality plus” and it lists positives and negatives of each type and how to bring out the best and deal with the worst:thumbsup:

 

[Angels_Unaware]

That’s a good idea, I will look at some books.

This is a difficult but very important skill to learn. I know that I have had situations where I have cried under pressure as an adult. I am not harshly criticizing my daughter at all. I just want to help her in the most practical way possible to acheive her goals and give her the tools she needs to feel successful.

 

[kage_ar]

Perhaps she is better suited for “normal” sports, the school team.

Is she a super athelte that is attempting to make an olympic team or something? This sounds like way too much pressure for a young girl.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Perhaps she is better suited for “normal” sports, the school team.

Is she a super athelte that is attempting to make an olympic team or something? This sounds like way too much pressure for a young girl.

Actually, the 8th grade team practices every night. No, this is lower level than the school team.

There are hundreds of girls from all around the city in competitive volleyball.

I am not here to defend the decision to allow her to play sports. I am here to get advice on ways to teach her to stay calm under pressure, which is an emotional skill that will benefit her for her entire adult life.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I am not here to defend the decision to allow her to play sports. I am here to get advice on ways to teach her to stay calm under pressure, which is an emotional skill that will benefit her for her entire adult life.

But it is a skill that takes time to learn and in steps… this MAY be too much too fast. Especially if she doesn’t have the personality for competition. It’s one thing to learn to deal with pressure, quite another to volunteer for it.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

But it is a skill that takes time to learn and in steps… this MAY be too much too fast. Especially if she doesn’t have the personality for competition. It’s one thing to learn to deal with pressure, quite another to volunteer for it.

It’s kind of hard to say right now whether she can handle it with some help or not because this is her first competition tournament. If this happens again and again, I would just have to pull her out.

Before this league, she was in Recreation Department ball, which teaches beginning skills and it is open to all girls. She played for two seasons beginning right after she turned 11. She was in lots of games, which are competition, and they did have a 3-4 game tournament at the end of each season where they competed for the Rec ball championship. She never had any problem in those games. I think that this- being the first competitive tournament- was just such a step up it was a lot for her.

She couldn’t even serve underhand when she started, and it is her committment and drive that has gotten her this far. She wanted to learn.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

were any of her other games THAT long? that sounds grueling. and simple dehydration could account for her feelings too. Not to mention the blood sugar thing…

 

[Angels_Unaware]

No, they are never dehydrated. The games are just to 25, and they last 30-40 minutes.They have breaks in between that are up to 2 hours at a time resting. They have coolers with gatorade and snacks.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

On Saturdays the team plays constant consecutive games, usually about 6,for a 10-hour stretch, so it is exhausting for the girls.

She played well for the first 3 games, but during the fourth game she started to play badly.

I actually was only there for part of the day. Her dad was with her the whole time.
**
So were you there for the meltdown, or just dad? What did either of you say/do when she got pulled from the game?**

I told my daughter that we would talk about ways to handle pressure when she feels better. She is exhausted and resting.

I don’t know how to help my daughter turn her aggression into something productive, because I don’t understand the way she handles her aggression.
**
How do you know it was anger/aggression that prompted the meltdown?**

But, a negative aspect of her personality is this tendency to turn the anger inward and transform it into tears instead of letting it fuel her drive and motivation.

Check out the book i mentioned before, it should be able to help…

.

No, they are never dehydrated. The games are just to 25, and they last 30-40 minutes.They have breaks in between that are up to 2 hours at a time resting. They have coolers with gatorade and snacks.

But in your entire first post you mentioned several times about her being exhausted. Being exhausted can play havoc with your emotions. Well, maybe not yours, but hers (and for sure mine). She will need to see if playing 10 hour days on a Saturday when she is probably busy the rest of the week as well is just too much for HER. That would be too much for a lot of people, nevermind a 12 year old.

Also, just cuz the coolers/snacks/gatorade are THERE doesn’t really mean anything. Did she eat regularly enough? Drink enough and at the right times? That may be something to discuss with her…

 

[jmcrae]

Teach her to go through a check-list every so often, in her mind.

Am I meeting my need of this moment? (Am I thirsty, do I need to use the washroom, am I getting a cramp, am I feeling stressed out?)

How do I meet my need? (Get a drink, go and use the washroom, do some stretching, stop and breathe consciously for a few moments - 10 (in, out), 9 (in, out), 8 (in, out), 7 (in, out), 6 (in, out), 5 (in, out), 4 (in, out), 3 (in, out), 2 (in, out), 1 (in, out).)

Do I have a need upcoming that I will need to meet in the next little while? How can I plan to meet my upcoming need? (Take a breather, watch for the next break to be able to dash out and use the washroom or get a drink, etc.)

This way, she can notice if she is beginning to feel stressed, and she can take steps to avoid a total melt-down, by meeting her need of the moment, and regaining her focus on the task at hand.

 

[1ke]

Personally, I think this is one she is going to have to figure out on her own. Just let her play.

Does she react this way in other situations? Such as academics, at home, etc?

Tell her you are there if she wants to talk-- but don’t go into problem solving mode, just stay in active listening mode. Let HER do the talking about how she feels and what she thinks regarding her playing performance, why she reacts the way she does and what she thinks she can do differently.

You are *assuming *her tears were the result of anger. If you were doing poorly you would be angry. Perhaps she is not angry. Perhaps she is experiencing a completely different emotion-- embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, fear of letting others down, or doubt in her own skills.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Feanaro's Wife:

So were you there for the meltdown, or just dad? What did either of you say/do when she got pulled from the game?

We were both there. After the game I took her into the restroom to talk, but she just rested her head on my shoulder and cried, and I hugged her. I didn’t say anything to her. I had to leave to teach Catechism class right after that game.
Feanaro's Wife:

How do you know it was anger/aggression that prompted the meltdown?

Just knowing my daughter, it was a combination of frustration, embarrassment, and disappointment.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Teach her to go through a check-list every so often, in her mind.

Am I meeting my need of this moment? (Am I thirsty, do I need to use the washroom, am I getting a cramp, am I feeling stressed out?)

How do I meet my need? (Get a drink, go and use the washroom, do some stretching, stop and breathe consciously for a few moments - 10 (in, out), 9 (in, out), 8 (in, out), 7 (in, out), 6 (in, out), 5 (in, out), 4 (in, out), 3 (in, out), 2 (in, out), 1 (in, out).)

Do I have a need upcoming that I will need to meet in the next little while? How can I plan to meet my upcoming need? (Take a breather, watch for the next break to be able to dash out and use the washroom or get a drink, etc.)

This way, she can notice if she is beginning to feel stressed, and she can take steps to avoid a total melt-down, by meeting her need of the moment, and regaining her focus on the task at hand.

This is the kind of thing I was hoping to teach her. Thanks!

 

[Angels_Unaware]

Personally, I think this is one she is going to have to figure out on her own. Just let her play.

Does she react this way in other situations? Such as academics, at home, etc?

Occassionally she pouts, but she very rarely becomes inconsolable. The last time she was like that was over a fight between girls at school.

Tell her you are there if she wants to talk-- but don’t go into problem solving mode, just stay in active listening mode. Let HER do the talking about how she feels and what she thinks regarding her playing performance, why she reacts the way she does and what she thinks she can do differently.

You are *assuming *her tears were the result of anger. If you were doing poorly you would be angry. Perhaps she is not angry. Perhaps she is experiencing a completely different emotion-- embarrassment, disappointment, frustration, fear of letting others down, or doubt in her own skills.

Good advice, thanks

 

[Lujack]

This helped me, and although it is football oriented, it certainly applied to all sports. If you ever watch a highlight show of any game, they’ll show you the key plays. Looking back, its apparent which plays changed the game, and which ones didn’t. When you’re actually playing the game, though, you can’t know which one will be the game changer. For that reason, you just have to stick this motto in your head:

The only play that matters is the next one.

Every time she makes a mistake (which she will, all athletes do) or makes a good play (because resting on your laurels is just as bad), she should remind herself of that.

The only play that matters is the next one.

 

[monicatholic]

Angels,

your daughter intends to play volleyball like i’ve tried managing my days of homeschool/ houscechores/ outside of home work/ laundry/ grocery shopping/ cooking/ prayer time-- personal and family/ problem solving/ cheufering/ nursing whomever is the baby this year/ emotional availability et al: ***intending to leap tall buildings in a single bound. ***

in the past, i’d found mysel halfway into an overloaded day suffering full-out tailspin. i’d shut the door, put baby on the bed next to me, and cry…

because i was exhausted.
because i was angry at my personal limits compared to (what i perceived) are others seemingly un-limited abilities.
because i was frustrated
because i knew better than to do this again
because i was embarrassed of my behavior
and on and on…

my husband used to warn me that life is not a competetive sport.

but volleyball is. still, the participant can suffer ***expectation overload. ***

here’s one very helpful thing i remember as i feel myself approach expectation overload: if i fall apart, it’s worse for the team (family) spirit than if i step back and regroup. so… if i want to ‘stay in the game’ over the long run, i might need to measure my participation now. i gotta do what’s best for ‘the team.’

along these lines, jmcrae’s suggested list of need assessments is excellent. also Malia’s suggestions for understanding temperments is a good one for overall guidelines on solutions.