Helping my wife who was exposed to porn a lot as child

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Adamski

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My wife won’t talk about what happened as a child but has shared some minor details with me.

This came to my attention because when my father in law was staying at hour house recovering from surgery I had to ask him to leave for viewing porn in front of my children. Then he went to my sister in laws house to stay. When I was there he had his computer on porn at the breakfast table with his 2 teen age granddaughters present. I turned off his computer and put it away saying it was not right. He responded that “my life would be better with porn and going to nudest parties”

When I shared what happened with my wife she said it was very normal at thier house growing up to the point when she was 10 she took porn over to a sleep over with other young girls and watched it. When the parents found out she was never able to come over again.

She has anger out burst at me and the kids yelling, we are rarely intimate (less than once a month). She never hugs, holds hands and so on. She is ussally disappointed in me no matter what I do. She claims that it is because I have ADD but I am beginning to think it has something to do with her porn exposure as a child. And I am also wondering if other things might have happened as a child.
 
i am shocked at the level of inappropriateness of her father. a person who thinks it if fine to watch such things in the presence of children obviously has some sort of psychological problems as well as an obvious porn addiction in this case. sadly, i have little doubt that your wife may have suffered some abuse other than exposure to porn as a child.
if you could, it may be good to gently try to open a dialogue with her about her past. she could probably benefit from counseling. but most of all she needs to know that she has your love, support, and respect no matter what happened to her and how it is effecting her now. remember she has to hear the words always.
i wish you two the best.
God Bless
 
You were absolutely right to put your FIL out if he was watching porn in your home. It’s not normal behavior, especially in front of behavior. I’m not sure what you can do about your wife though, other than let her know how you feel about it.
 
LOVE Her! Be very very very patient.
And do not prod her, if she wishes she will open up, these wounds are extremely hard to heal.

I will pray for you and her.

Peace
 
I suggest some professional counseling for you and your wife. I also grew up with porn in the home and know it is very damaging for a girl to have a father who uses porn and who views it herself as a result. It gets into your head and alters how you view yourself and men and women. In my case, it grew into full blown PTSD later in my marriage and I had to eventually deal with it. I mention that because I also had anger outbursts I couldn’t control. Also, my hb has ADD too, which was undiagnosed his whole life until he was in his 40s and can cause a number of marital conflicts.

It’s essential that you protect your own children. You need to have a firm “no porn” rule in the house and be sure your father in law adheres. I can’t tell you how sick that makes me to hear what he said to you. You MUST protect your children from the porn and the mindset that goes with it, evidenced by his comment to you. Be sure to talk to your kids when he does make that kind of comment so they know that what he says is not true.

I will pray for you and your family.

PS What other posters said about safety and love is VERY important. She won’t share until she feels safe. My husband, God bless his soul, went through some tough times trying to figure out how to deal with me.
 
Your Father in law is a first class jerk!!

But tell youre wife to “let it go” because the longer she lets him effect her life and relationships she remains a perpetual victim. She is still being victimized.

The BEST thing she could do is TALK about it. If not with you then a professional.

You should pray daily the rosary and ask Our lady’s motherly help with your wife and if that is not possible, alone for her. She will know what to do.

Good luck it sounds like you got allot of work on your hand, but remain steadfast as God wouldnt of put you there if you couldnt get the job done.

Pax tecum
 
In 2008-2012 she about had a melt down and wanted to leave me as I first went from agnostic to getting really involved in her seeker friendly evangelical church to leaving the evangelical church for the catholic church. Both really bothered her. Now things are much better but only because I have changed my behavior so for instance when she yells and bangs around instead of me doing the same. I write her love notes and listen to her while asking if she could please stop yelling it’s not a good environment for the kids. So their is a lot of progress but until recently I didn’t understand her issues until I had detailed interactions with her father. He is generally a user of people and before my mother in law was around she was an enabeler.
 
AnneTeresa said:
I suggest some professional counseling for you and your wife. I also grew up with porn in the home and know it is very damaging for a girl to have a father who uses porn and who views it herself as a result. It gets into your head and alters how you view yourself and men and women. In my case, it grew into full blown PTSD later in my marriage and I had to eventually deal with it. I mention that because I also had anger outbursts I couldn’t control. Also, my hb has ADD too, which was undiagnosed his whole life until he was in his 40s and can cause a number of marital conflicts.

It’s essential that you protect your own children. You need to have a firm “no porn” rule in the house and be sure your father in law adheres. I can’t tell you how sick that makes me to hear what he said to you. You MUST protect your children from the porn and the mindset that goes with it, evidenced by his comment to you. Be sure to talk to your kids when he does make that kind of comment so they know that what he says is not true.

I will pray for you and your family.

PS What other posters said about safety and love is VERY important. She won’t share until she feels safe. My husband, God bless his soul, went through some tough times trying to figure out how to deal with me.
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I agree with this. Also, it is illegal to show porn to children. You F-in-law is exposing children to sexual images. This needs to be reported to Protective Services. Call a hotline and anonymously run this situation by them if you are unsure. They can help you from there.
 
bcuster said:
I agree with this. Also, it is illegal to show porn to children. You F-in-law is exposing children to sexual images. This needs to be reported to Protective Services. Call a hotline and anonymously run this situation by them if you are unsure. They can help you from there.
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DO NOT GET THE STATE INVOLVED IF YOU CAN DEAL WITH IT ON YOUR OWN…Once they get their hooks into you you are no longer King of yor castle
 
MICHAELS_ANGEL said:
DO NOT GET THE STATE INVOLVED IF YOU CAN DEAL WITH IT ON YOUR OWN…Once they get their hooks into you you are no longer King of yor castle
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It would be better to seek good legal advice on this matter before involving the state. You could end up with having the children taking from the parents until the whole thing with the Father-in-law is sorted out.

If this person was looking at porn in a house not his own allowed his grandchildren to see porn, then he should be kicked out of the house immediately.
 
MICHAELS_ANGEL said:
Your Father in law is a first class jerk!!

But tell youre wife to “let it go” because the longer she lets him effect her life and relationships she remains a perpetual victim. She is still being victimized.

The BEST thing she could do is TALK about it. If not with you then a professional.

You should pray daily the rosary and ask Our lady’s motherly help with your wife and if that is not possible, alone for her. She will know what to do.

Good luck it sounds like you got allot of work on your hand, but remain steadfast as God wouldnt of put you there if you couldnt get the job done.

Pax tecum
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Oh, when I read the above my heart sank. Of all things this man should NOT do is to tell his wife to “let it go”. This is an impossible for her to do and though I’m sure you don’t realize it, it would be cruel to say this to her. I don’t want to go into detail but I know what I’m talking about.
 
Adamski said:
This came to my attention because when my father in law was staying at hour house recovering from surgery I had to ask him to leave for viewing porn in front of my children. Then he went to my sister in laws house to stay. When I was there he had his computer on porn at the breakfast table with his 2 teen age granddaughters present. I turned off his computer and put it away saying it was not right. He responded that “my life would be better with porn and going to nudest parties”
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You are a far nicer person than I. He’s committing a felony in front of your own children. I would’ve taken the computer, smashed it against his head, then physical removed him from the house. At that point I would warn him that he is not longer welcome in the presence of my family, and violating that boundary in the future would be handled with the appropriate force for the protection of my family. Period. The End. A sick pervert such as this low-life human being should not be permitted in the presence of children. Do not tolerate it in the future.
And I am also wondering if other things might have happened as a child.
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I just say that I have knowledge of such matters and can say no more (other than it wasn’t me being abused). It is my opinion that your wife absolutely needs counseling, and should do this for the sake of herself, you, and your family. Given your description of the situation, I seriously doubt she can handle this on her own. You are in a difficult situation. Be receptive to her needs, and place absolutely no judgment on her. Please be patient with her through all this.
 
This was child sexual abuse, pure and simple.

Love your wife and support/encourage her to be active in counseling. I have The Courage to Heal book and workbook that I use with my clients. I encourage their loved ones to purchase and read Allies in Healing as well.

Pray. Pray. Pray. Be patient; set boundaries. Keep your father-in-law away from your wife and children.

Know you’re all in my prayers.

SM
 
God bless you for being such a loving and caring husband and father.

Pressuring your wife to talk is only going to make it harder on her. A gentle invitation is all you can do and respect her if she says no.

As for involving the authorities, so what if your nieces are taken away from their home. If your SIL allows this in front of them, they are obviously not in a good place and need to see it is wrong. However, I leave that decision up to you since you are the one to live with the consequences.

I suggest googling patron saints of sexual abuse and doing a novena for you wife

Angie
 
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