Her career

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Hi, there is something that I’ve been debating with myself for quite some time now. I should preface by saying that most of the girls that I’ve been interested in want to be a stay-at-home mom, but therein lies the problem. Personally, I have no problems with a girl wanting to be a stay-at-home mom; in fact, I’m all for it. The thing I am a bit ambivalent about is whether she should be able to support herself - and the children - should anything, God forbid, happen to the breadwinner of the family. Also, if a girl doesn’t have a career of her own, there might be fewer things to talk about between the spouses, because their experiences would be very different, and they would have trouble relating to each other, in my opinion.

I should also say that my parents are against the idea of stay-at-home moms altogether, because they think that would be too much pressure on the husband, but they will support and accept my decision. So my question to you is whether a woman should have her own career in addition to being the wife, mom, and whatever else life may throw her way. I didn’t have any preferences before in this regard, but now I’m leaning towards having her own career, and the more I think about, the more sense it makes.

What do you think? Thank you in advance!

 

[HappyPerson]

Hi, there is something that I’ve been debating with myself for quite some time now. I should preface by saying that most of the girls that I’ve been interested in want to be a stay-at-home mom, but therein lies the problem. Personally, I have no problems with a girl wanting to be a stay-at-home mom; in fact, I’m all for it. The thing I am a bit ambivalent about is whether she should be able to support herself - and the children - should anything, God forbid, happen to the breadwinner of the family. Also, if a girl doesn’t have a career of her own, there might be fewer things to talk about between the spouses, because their experiences would be very different, and they would have trouble relating to each other, in my opinion.

I should also say that my parents are against the idea of stay-at-home moms altogether, because they think that would be too much pressure on the husband, but they will support and accept my decision. So my question to you is whether a woman should have her own career in addition to being the wife, mom, and whatever else life may throw her way. I didn’t have any preferences before in this regard, but now I’m leaning towards having her own career, and the more I think about, the more sense it makes.

What do you think? Thank you in advance!

I think that it depends on the woman, and the career she is choosing. If the career does NOT interfere with her role as a wife and mother, and is something that SHE wants, then I am all for it.

For example, I am against the idea of married women being in the military, especially when their husbands are not, because that will lead to some man(other than her husband) making decisions that dramatically impact her children, and are NOT made with the best interests of the children in mind. Thus, I could never marry someone who is in the military, as that would be surrendering leadership in my own family to someone who doesn’t have the best interests of my family in mind.

 

[nfpworks]

I agree with you in that, you don’t know what is going to happen in your life.

I have a degree in Education and I spent several years teaching in a classroom setting. When my kids were born, I stopped teaching full time.

Unfortunately, I have needed to take on part time work over the years. I don;t have this “need” to work or focus on my career,etc. But, our financial situation really dictates my work.

All of the jobs that I have taken have been part time with the majority of the time spent at home. I make phone calls, do scheduling, etc, from home. There are a few nights that I need to be out. And, I try to make sure I have someone great to spend time with the kids.

I have no desire to go back to teaching full time, and I pray that our financial situation allows for this. It is so important for me to be there with my kids.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with a man marrying a woman who wants/desires to be a stay at home mom. If that is where God is calling her then God will help make it happen. That includes helping in the unfortunate case if something were to happen to the husband and he could no longer provide.

If you want to marry a woman who wants to stay home with your children and does not want a career, even just to “fall back on” then don’t let society or your parents influence you. Just figure out how best to provide for unfortunate circumstances. Life insurance and disability insurance are always helpful.**

 

[sharmin]

Someone I know lost her 40 year old husband this summer. They did not have life insurance (because they could honestly not afford it). They came into incredibly difficult financial hardships before he died and were just broke. Every day she thanks God that she had a career because she would never be able to support her children had she not. (No one is hiring in our area now. My other friend, who’s husband left her quite unexpectantly, has been trying to get a job for a year. She has even applied at fast food and has been turned down. She hasn’t worked in 10 years, and there is too much competition out there. Anyway, that’s something to think about…stuff like that does, sadly, happen.

 

[BamaRider]

It depends. Is her’s a job or a career? There is no right or wrong. IMHO children need at least one parent at home.

My wife is well educated and in a professional job in marketing and public relations for a large company, and I was a firefighter. She always made more money than me. But none of that mattered. Anyone that knows us, will tell you we belong together.

The unique work schedule of the fire dept allowed us to switch roles, I was the primary caregiver to my son, he was never in child care. It worked out well for us. I doubt if she would have been in this job if I had not been avaiable to take care of my son.

I was uncomfortable at first when I had to clean up and accompany her to office parties, awards, and banquets. I felt odd at when I had to stand by and listen to her and co workers tawk busines and clients. But she always held me by the arm, and fed my ego with nice things in my ear. When someone asked where I worked she quickly and unapologeticaly told them.

She had to travel up to NY couple times of year back then, and my son and I would travel with her.

We always had stuff to tawk about, she’d tell me about office politics, romances, and the back stabbing, and I’d tell her about the calls I went on.

I never had/have a problem with her career. In fact, I retired 3 years ago (perks of the fire service early retirement) and she still goes to the office, and I hang out all day. I still attend the office parties, but now she’s the boss so nobody is gonna say anything bad about me around her.

In retrospect we would have been just as happy if she had been a stay at home mom.

It was 31 years ago we sat down and decided what direction we needed to go. I had just entered the fire dept, the pay was ok, enough she could probably get by part time. But we decided with my work schedule I could be the caregiver, while she finished school and made the money.

I was doin what I loved, I would have done it for free. I wasn’t interested in any other career, and she liked hers. So it worked for us.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

SomeCatholicGuy;4135061 Also:

**
Just had to address this part of your post as well. In this scenario, I highly doubt the spouses would have trouble relating to eachother just because one has a career and one doesn’t. I don’t understand why you would think that way…

right now I am a stay at home mom and my hubby is training to be a military firefighter. We talk about all kinds of things. Just because I don’t work outside of the home doesn’t mean I can’t listen to him talk about his work or that I won’t understand what he is telling me. Just as he doesn’t have to be home 24/7 to be able to understand when I tell him about my day.

And there are about a million other topics to converse about… there is a whole world out there outside of work.**

 

[Guitar]

Quick post on the “things to talk about” issue … my H has basic high school education, was a creative writer and shop assistant, hasn’t had paid employment for nearly twenty years and is a bit useless at maths any more complicated than adding and subtracting. I’m an electronics/systems engineer working in dismounted close combat equipment and systems for infantry troops. We never have any shortage of stuff to talk about. “My” work is only one aspect of “our” life, which is a very full life. I wouldn’t worry about that issue.

I do commend you for realising that the working-father-caregiving-mother model isnt always what happens in the real world, for all sorts of reasons.

 

[Just_wondering]

Hi, there is something that I’ve been debating with myself for quite some time now. I should preface by saying that most of the girls that I’ve been interested in want to be a stay-at-home mom, but therein lies the problem. Personally, I have no problems with a girl wanting to be a stay-at-home mom; in fact, I’m all for it. The thing I am a bit ambivalent about is whether she should be able to support herself - and the children - should anything, God forbid, happen to the breadwinner of the family. Also, if a girl doesn’t have a career of her own, there might be fewer things to talk about between the spouses, because their experiences would be very different, and they would have trouble relating to each other, in my opinion.

I should also say that my parents are against the idea of stay-at-home moms altogether, because they think that would be too much pressure on the husband, but they will support and accept my decision. So my question to you is whether a woman should have her own career in addition to being the wife, mom, and whatever else life may throw her way. I didn’t have any preferences before in this regard, but now I’m leaning towards having her own career, and the more I think about, the more sense it makes.

What do you think? Thank you in advance!

I have to say that most of it depends on the personal goals of the woman you end up marrying. However, having said that, I think you’re right that it’s smart for a woman to have some way to make money in case it becomes necessary, unless you’re fabulously wealthy.

As for the conversational aspect of things, I don’t think it’s as much of an issue as you think. I’m a teacher, my boyfriend is a printing press operator. We really don’t spend much time talking about what went on at work - most of our conversations are about other things. My life would have to be supremely boring in order for me not to find something to talk about at the end of the day.

It’s good that you’re thinking about this now, but I’d keep an open mind if I were you until you meet a woman that you’d consider marrying. Then you can talk about it more and compare your preferences. You may end up changing your opinion based on what she wants. And remember that it’s not set in stone anyway - you really can’t plan with any certainty what you’ll do once you have children. Life has a way of interfering with the best-laid plans.

 

[Salonika]

SomeCatholicGuy:

I should preface by saying that most of the girls that I’ve been interested in want to be a stay-at-home mom, but therein lies the problem. Personally, I have no problems with a girl wanting to be a stay-at-home mom; in fact, I’m all for it. The thing I am a bit ambivalent about is whether she should be able to support herself - and the children - should anything, God forbid, happen to the breadwinner of the family.

I consider that getting a good education and preparing for a job to be something that everyone - including women or men who plan to be stay-at-home parents should do.

Also consider it different for a woman to say that when or if I have children I want to be a stay at home mother than to only aim at being a stay at home mother. Some people don’t end up marrying, sometimes marriages do not work out and not everyone can have children or wants tio adopt. Also provides some security if the woman ends up having to become the sole breadwinner.

Also, if a girl doesn’t have a career of her own, there might be fewer things to talk about between the spouses, because their experiences would be very different, and they would have trouble relating to each other, in my opinion.

Think this is more likely if the education levels are different. Also both parties need to be commited to lifelong learning both in itself and for its value to any children they have…

So my question to you is whether a woman should have her own career in addition to being the wife, mom, and whatever else life may throw her way.

If not a career the wherewithal (eg educational background) to have one, if required or if the woman finds that having one will make her a better wife and mother.

 

[LSK]

You ask some very good questions. One of the reasons my Italian Grandmother insisted that each of her daughters get the equivilant of a college education and be able to hold down very good jobs before they got married was because she found herself a widow 3 years after arriving in the United States - a the mother of 2 babies. She had been a ladies’ maid in Genoa since the age of 9 and before she married. There was absolutely no call for that kind of work in Stanislaus County in the 1900’s. She had to go to work as a cook for a farming family to support her children.

Of course, that’s where she met my grandfather so…God is good…

BUT - part of being a responsible breadwinner is remembering that anything can happen and providing for a family is more than simply putting food on the table and a roof over their heads. A woman should be able, if necessary, to go to work if needed but a man needs to make sure that there is insurance and savings and all that fun stuff. Even if it means sacrificing a LOT.

My girlfriend lost her husband of five years recently - they have 3 children. People made fun of them for all their scrimping and saving…but this guy had his insurance insured (I swear he did) and she will be able to stay at home with her kids for at least five or six years if she does NOT work and will be able to stretch it out through parttime work until they are out of high school. At least that’s the plan for now…of course, anything can happen but I was really impressed that such a relatively young man was so very responsible when it came to financial planning.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think it’s important for ‘someone’ (one of the parents) to be home with children, when they are babies, into toddler years. But, if that is not financially possible, then you have to decide how to make it work best. I have a career now, and my kids have been in school for a while, but when they were babies, I stayed home, pretty much until preschool age.

There are all sorts of things a woman can do to earn money, and STILL BE HOME WITH THE CHILDREN. She can watch children in her neighborhood for a decent fee. I did this for a few of my inlaws, and it was nice side money that helped out…

I don’t believe however, in one of the parents working 2 to 3 jobs, so the other can stay home fulltime. Not seeing one parent pretty much at all, is not a good tradeoff just to avoid daycare. This is just my opinion, but children need their daddies just as much as their mommies. If you consider having children, make sure no one is working so much that they are risking the bonding time with their children that is so very vital.

I think that if you marry a woman who has a career, just make sure you both discuss things way beforehand. So often, people just wait until the children are born, to have these serious conversations, and it’s something that needs to be agreed upon way beforehand. If your future wife decides to go back to work for whatever the reasons, maybe financial…there are ways that you both can work your schedules, so someone is there the majority of the time with the children.

Hope this helps.

 

[whatevergirl]

You ask some very good questions. One of the reasons my Italian Grandmother insisted that each of her daughters get the equivilant of a college education and be able to hold down very good jobs before they got married was because she found herself a widow 3 years after arriving in the United States - a the mother of 2 babies. She had been a ladies’ maid in Genoa since the age of 9 and before she married. There was absolutely no call for that kind of work in Stanislaus County in the 1900’s. She had to go to work as a cook for a farming family to support her children.

Of course, that’s where she met my grandfather so…God is good…

BUT - part of being a responsible breadwinner is remembering that anything can happen and providing for a family is more than simply putting food on the table and a roof over their heads. A woman should be able, if necessary, to go to work if needed but a man needs to make sure that there is insurance and savings and all that fun stuff. Even if it means sacrificing a LOT.

My girlfriend lost her husband of five years recently - they have 3 children. People made fun of them for all their scrimping and saving…but this guy had his insurance insured (I swear he did) and she will be able to stay at home with her kids for at least five or six years if she does NOT work and will be able to stretch it out through parttime work until they are out of high school. At least that’s the plan for now…of course, anything can happen but I was really impressed that such a relatively young man was so very responsible when it came to financial planning.

I agree with what you’re saying, but I don’t think that it’s a man’s responsibility to make sure there is insurance, etc…to me, it’s a collective effort. I think that especially in this day and age, where men or women can be displaced and let go from their employer without a moment’s notice, it’s important than both parents have some skills to be able to jump up if need be, and work outside the home, if that is what is required.

Life’s best laid plans can backfire sometimes.

It’s important to have at least six months of savings in case something like that could happen also…

 

[Em_in_FL]

In this day and age… in order to “survive” if (God forbid) the breadwinner of the family were to pass… a simple “job” sometimes won’t cut it financially. If a woman has the *opportunity *to go to college and get a degree (at a reasonable cost) it should not be wasted.

I grew up watching my grandmother barely scrape by in retirement. She was widowed early on, with 7 very young children. It does happen.
She was an amazingly strong woman.

 

[kell0618]

Hi, there is something that I’ve been debating with myself for quite some time now. I should preface by saying that most of the girls that I’ve been interested in want to be a stay-at-home mom, but therein lies the problem. Personally, I have no problems with a girl wanting to be a stay-at-home mom; in fact, I’m all for it. The thing I am a bit ambivalent about is whether she should be able to support herself - and the children - should anything, God forbid, happen to the breadwinner of the family. Also, if a girl doesn’t have a career of her own, there might be fewer things to talk about between the spouses, because their experiences would be very different, and they would have trouble relating to each other, in my opinion.

I should also say that my parents are against the idea of stay-at-home moms altogether, because they think that would be too much pressure on the husband, but they will support and accept my decision. So my question to you is whether a woman should have her own career in addition to being the wife, mom, and whatever else life may throw her way. I didn’t have any preferences before in this regard, but now I’m leaning towards having her own career, and the more I think about, the more sense it makes.

What do you think? Thank you in advance!

Hello

I graduated with a B.S. in psychology and worked in a few human services jobs until our son came along. We decided that I would stay home full time and make due as we best could. We have done very well though it was difficult at first. We had to go without a lot of extras we took for granted when both of us were working, but we still had food, clothing and a home to live in. I take care of a lot of things around home (refinished the hardwood floors myself, painted inside and out) and am usually the one who does all of the mowing in order to give my husband down-time when he is home. He has always had supplemental disability insurance so that if he was ill, we would have enough money to pay the bills for a few months. If for any reason we were to suddenly be without his income, I could get a job doing anything to make ends meet. He has also seen to it that we have a good variable life insurance policy - on each of us. If I were to die, it would be hard for him to suddenly have to pay for childcare and take care of all of the household duties. I’m pretty hard to replace, too.

If you are looking for a wife with a career, you are looking for a wife who will most likely want to work full time and not stay home. If you are looking for a wife with a good education, that is . My hubby and I just cannot imagine leaving a child of ours at a daycare for 9 hours a day - ever. I know some people do and must, but God has blessed us and for that I will be forever thankful (we have one son so far and he appreciates it too). If there is a will, there is a way.

Trust in Divine Providence and He will provide. Always.

Peace be with you,

Kelly

 

[whatevergirl]

In this day and age… in order to “survive” if (God forbid) the breadwinner of the family were to pass… a simple “job” sometimes won’t cut it financially. If a woman has the *opportunity *to go to college and get a degree (at a reasonable cost) it should not be wasted.

I grew up watching my grandmother barely scrape by in retirement. She was widowed early on, with 7 very young children. It does happen.
She was an amazingly strong woman.

agreed:thumbsup:

 

[puzzleannie]

a non-issue IMO
if a woman has a vocation that includes both marriage and career
St Gina, for example, a wife, mother and doctor
she can and should pursue both, plenty of women have done it before her and will do again

if she takes time off when her children are babies, presuming she keeps up with developments in her field, she can resume that career, or even start another one later.

she would be in a similar position to a man who has to interrupt his career due to unemployment, military service, illness etc. Nobody asks whether a man can be a father and have a career. a SAHF for a long or short period of time is also valid if it meets the needs of the family.

the woman should make this decision in prayerful discernment of her vocation and the particular way she is called to live out that vocation at various stages of life, and in consultation with her husband, with regard to the needs of the family. The answer is not going to be the same for everyone.

I predict however this thread will take the usual turn, with those who make one choice or the other laying down the law to anyone whose choices are different. something about this topic induces women to appoint themselves as popes preaching infallibly on this issue.

and if she happens to pick up skills along the way like field-dressing a moose, good for her.

 

[Cat]

I think that one thing that destroys marriages and FAITH is surprises.

Before you get married, both of you should repeat many times until you absolutely believe it–“Anything CAN and DOES happen!”

Yes, husbands die a few months or years after the wedding, and so do wives.

Children are conceived during the honeymoon. Or children are not conceived after years of trying.

People get in accidents and become permanently disabled.

A mental illness surfaces, changing the personality of the person you THOUGHT you knew.

A child gets cancer and wipes out all the insurance in a few months.

Your wife gets breast cancer, even though she is only 22 years old!

The parent that you thought would care for the babies while you work dies unexpectedly.

You lose your great job, and all your searching gets you zip, so you end up working at three different fast food places close enough to your tiny apartment that you can walk.

The student loan that you thought would cover your last few years of college tanks, and you have no money to finish school.

My favorite–your car completely falls apart the day you get back from your honeymoon, and you either owe a repair shop $4000 to fix it, or you can start looking for a new car. (If you’re lucky, you might live in a city with a bus route, but like most of us, you probably live in a city with extremely poor public transportation).

One of the spouses falls for a blatent internet scam and ends up losing all the savings, and your identities are stolen and your credit rating is shot.

Are you getting the idea?!

All of these things actually HAPPENED to people I know (some of them happened to us!).

Anything CAN and DOES happen! All those wonderful plans that you make will more than likely fall apart at some point. You have to take the vows seriously and stick together, no matter what surprises pop up. And you have to hang onto your faith, even if it seems that God has deserted you!

As for your question about working, IMO, a husband is supposed to provide for his wife. That means, to me, that he needs to make sure that if he should die or disappear (divorce, etc.), she can STILL be provided for.

And in most cases (unless you are wealthy), that means that she should have some kind of skill that employers are looking for.

So IMO, a good man will encourage his fiance or wife to stay in school, go to school, go to trade school (and that includes beauty school, etc.), earn a degree or certificate online, etc. so that in the event of a very unpleasant “surprise,” she CAN provide for herself.

There are many skills in demand that a woman can learn without spending a lot of money and time in school. One of those skills is PCT (or CNA)–Patient Care Tech or Certified Nursing Assistant. I know that not everyone can wipe poopy grown ups or spoon feed arthritis patients, but it is a trade that is very much in demand, and should something happen to you, your wife could walk into a job within a few days. It’s not a high-paying job, but it’s better than welfare, and often, a hospital will pay tuition for the CNA to go back to school and earn their R.N. license.

There are lots of other health-field careers, e.g., Phlebotomy. Again, not for everyone, but a good job in great demand.

One thing to consider is how close your wife is to her family (or your family), and how healthy these family members are. IF there is a good chance that your wife would move back in with her family (or your family) and be supported if something awful happens to you, it may be that she doesn’t have to be quite as “career-ready” as someone who has no such resource. OTOH, I would hate to be a “sponge” on my family (or your family)–I would want to chip in some money to at least pay for my own expenses. So as far as I’m concerned, it is still a wise plan to prepare a woman to work should the need arise.

 

[Sierrah]

This is an old topic that doesn’t really have a wrong or right answer. It depends on the family and each one is different. I have no objection to being a stay at home mom but I also like to work but that said I think it is important to beable to support yourself. In my case as an unmarried lady who is unlike to to ever marry at this point I say it’s vitable to teach girls to be independent and make them able to stand on their own feet. They might not marry or if they do something could happen to their husband…a disability or death that would make it necessary for them to support the family. I’ve seen it happen more times then I can count.

 

[shannyk]

The thing I am a bit ambivalent about is whether she should be able to support herself - and the children - should anything, God forbid, happen to the breadwinner of the family.

Living example here. How do you do

I can’t agree more, and I probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t lived it myself. MY husband passed when I was 28 and 4 months pregnant with our third child. Praise God I had finished up my bachelor’s degree in nursing and could get a job and make enough money to support us, have health insurance etc. The PT jobs I’d had while DH was working and I was going to school (including being a CNA and working nights and weekends for a nanny agency)would not have even come CLOSE to cutting as far as making ends meet, and we were in no way living the live of luxury, just had an (albeit expensive) 3 br apartment in Chicago, one old car, you get the jist.

Being a SAHM is fabulous and I believe necessary for the young years, but I also believe being prepared is equally important. Fact of life in the world God out us in here in this day and age, you need a college degree to get a decent job, that can support a family. Sure there are exceptions, but that is the general rule. I don’t think there is anything wrong with making getting an education part of the preparation for marriage and being a wife and mother, whether you end up work outside the home or not. Just as those who have a vocation to religious life take years to prepare and educate themselves, so can lay people called to married life.

I do think it’s important and necessary for mom’s to stay home with wee ones if they can, so this should be a goal of yours as well as your future wife’s, for the good of your future children.

As for the nothing to talk about thing…I think that is kinda silly honestly. It seems to assume that a SAHM does nothing so she has nothing to say, which couldn’t be further from the truth.