Her career

[Sierrah]

I predict however this thread will take the usual turn, with those who make one choice or the other laying down the law to anyone whose choices are different. something about this topic induces women to appoint themselves as popes preaching infallibly on this issue.
QUOTE]

I agree that will probably happen but the true answer is different for every family. So in my humble opinion there’s no right or wrong answer. Expect that girls should be able to support themselves if necessary.

 

[whatevergirl]

Living example here. How do you do

I can’t agree more, and I probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t lived it myself. MY husband passed when I was 28 and 4 months pregnant with our third child. Praise God I had finished up my bachelor’s degree in nursing and could get a job and make enough money to support us, have health insurance etc. The PT jobs I’d had while DH was working and I was going to school (including being a CNA and working nights and weekends for a nanny agency)would not have even come CLOSE to cutting as far as making ends meet, and we were in no way living the live of luxury, just had an (albeit expensive) 3 br apartment in Chicago, one old car, you get the jist.

Being a SAHM is fabulous and I believe necessary for the young years, but I also believe being prepared is equally important. Fact of life in the world God out us in here in this day and age, you need a college degree to get a decent job, that can support a family. Sure there are exceptions, but that is the general rule. I don’t think there is anything wrong with making getting an education part of the preparation for marriage and being a wife and mother, whether you end up work outside the home or not. Just as those who have a vocation to religious life take years to prepare and educate themselves, so can lay people called to married life.

I do think it’s important and necessary for mom’s to stay home with wee ones if they can, so this should be a goal of yours as well as your future wife’s, for the good of your future children.

As for the nothing to talk about thing…I think that is kinda silly honestly. It seems to assume that a SAHM does nothing so she has nothing to say, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

not to go off topic, just wanted to say that I’m sorry to hear about your husband passing …especially when you were so young. You are such a strong woman…I believe you are an inspiration to many here. To me, anyways–I enjoy your posts.

 

[EmBee]

My FI grew up with a SAHM and he always assumed he would marry one … then he met me I’ve already graduated college and I have a full-time job that pays more than his. I majored in a field I was interested in, and now I’m working in the field and I love it. He’s still in school, and once he graduaties it’ll take him a few years before he starts making enough money to support a family. In the meantime - I’ll be making the majority of the money for us. We both feel strongly that children need a parent at home, and we’ve decided to pair down my full-time work schedule to part-time as his work becomes more lucrative (which will hopefully coincide with children being born!). We want me to SAH with the kids full-time, but we’ve leaving the option open for me to work part-time after the kids start school.

Leaving the details undecided for now gives me (a workin’ woman) some breathing room and deciding I’ll SAH while the kids are young give FI some breathing room of his own. It’s our little compromise, but who knows what will actually happen! IMHO, being flexible is key.

–

 

[maria29]

I think its important for a woman to have some sort of marketable skills just in case she has to work. It’s all well and good that you don’t want your wife to be a WOHM, but it could be part of God’s plan that you both work and your child does have to go to daycare, babysitter etc. Never in a million years would of I have thought that, but it occured in our lives and I know many families who have to do the same.

Yes God always provides but it may not occur in the way we want it to. This has been a hard lesson I’ve had to learn.

 

[LSK]

Living example here. How do you do

I can’t agree more, and I probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t lived it myself. MY husband passed when I was 28 and 4 months pregnant with our third child. Praise God I had finished up my bachelor’s degree in nursing and could get a job and make enough money to support us, have health insurance etc. The PT jobs I’d had while DH was working and I was going to school (including being a CNA and working nights and weekends for a nanny agency)would not have even come CLOSE to cutting as far as making ends meet, and we were in no way living the live of luxury, just had an (albeit expensive) 3 br apartment in Chicago, one old car, you get the jist.

Being a SAHM is fabulous and I believe necessary for the young years, but I also believe being prepared is equally important. Fact of life in the world God out us in here in this day and age, you need a college degree to get a decent job, that can support a family. Sure there are exceptions, but that is the general rule. I don’t think there is anything wrong with making getting an education part of the preparation for marriage and being a wife and mother, whether you end up work outside the home or not. Just as those who have a vocation to religious life take years to prepare and educate themselves, so can lay people called to married life.

I do think it’s important and necessary for mom’s to stay home with wee ones if they can, so this should be a goal of yours as well as your future wife’s, for the good of your future children.

As for the nothing to talk about thing…I think that is kinda silly honestly. It seems to assume that a SAHM does nothing so she has nothing to say, which couldn’t be further from the truth.

YOU ARE A GREAT EXAMPLE!!!

Like others have said on this thread, life happens…and we should try to be as prepared as possible…and we have to trust God…and you are my heroine!:bowdown:

 

[Em_in_FL]

I think its important for a woman to have some sort of marketable skills just in case she has to work. It’s all well and good that you don’t want your wife to be a WOHM, but it could be part of God’s plan that you both work and your child does have to go to daycare, babysitter etc. Never in a million years would of I have thought that, but it occured in our lives and I know many families who have to do the same.

Yes God always provides but it may not occur in the way we want it to. This has been a hard lesson I’ve had to learn.

Same story here… sometimes God’s plans are NOT ours.

 

[CB_Catholic]

In this day and age… in order to “survive” if (God forbid) the breadwinner of the family were to pass… a simple “job” sometimes won’t cut it financially. If a woman has the *opportunity *to go to college and get a degree (at a reasonable cost) it should not be wasted.

I grew up watching my grandmother barely scrape by in retirement. She was widowed early on, with 7 very young children. It does happen.
She was an amazingly strong woman.

My mother found herself in the position of being divorced with no job skills and 2 children to raise in the 1950’s. My brother and I had to live with my grandparents because she could not afford to support us, and my father was not paying any child support. She remarried when I was 12 and 4 years later her husband died–now she had 2 teenagers to support. It was rough on all of us. She insisted I get an education and be able to support myself and any children. I am very grateful to her for this. I never worked full-time, but if it was necessary, I could have gone up in hours and supported my family. Now in these uncertain economic times my opinion is that it is a good idea for a woman to keep her job skills current. My husband is in the trades, and did not have problems finding work for 30 years, then suddenly it became a problem, and I have had to keep the household afloat at times. God has been good to us, and He gave me a good mother who insisted on my schooling.

 

[Pinkyyy]

Hi, there is something that I’ve been debating with myself for quite some time now. I should preface by saying that most of the girls that I’ve been interested in want to be a stay-at-home mom, but therein lies the problem. Personally, I have no problems with a girl wanting to be a stay-at-home mom; in fact, I’m all for it. The thing I am a bit ambivalent about is whether she should be able to support herself - and the children - should anything, God forbid, happen to the breadwinner of the family. Also, if a girl doesn’t have a career of her own, there might be fewer things to talk about between the spouses, because their experiences would be very different, and they would have trouble relating to each other, in my opinion.

I should also say that my parents are against the idea of stay-at-home moms altogether, because they think that would be too much pressure on the husband, but they will support and accept my decision. So my question to you is whether a woman should have her own career in addition to being the wife, mom, and whatever else life may throw her way. I didn’t have any preferences before in this regard, but now I’m leaning towards having her own career, and the more I think about, the more sense it makes.

What do you think? Thank you in advance!

Hi there, first of all, let me say you seem like a really thoughtful guy. I have no doubt you will find the right decision for you. My mother in law had 10 children - as a catholic man who seems very thoughtfull about his faith, let me say that you probably will have at least a medium sized family. I have a three year old and daycare is expensive. I live in a smaller area and still daycare used to cost almost 700 a month. I can’t imagine paying that per child. I mean, we moved and I have been at home for a year but I always said to my husband if we have a second, there is no point for me to work - I would be working just to put them in daycare.

Also, I see your concern about if something were to happen to you, but you can take care of this by having a large life insurance policy that would allow your wife to go to college if something should happen to you - this is what I see a lot of stay at home mom’s doing.

Just think about what the cost of daycare would be for 2 plus children - would there even be a point to your future wife working? I guess that depends on her preference and salary. Don’t limit youself when looking for a spouse based only on this. When you think you found the one, then talk to her and settle these questions together. This is yours and her decision, not your parents. They really shouldnt be involved even in this decision. I have been having to remind myself about these kinds of things in regards to my parents. I hear alot about “my parents” by posters, but remember, this is a marriage between you and your future wife.

 

[smswife]

Just a few other thoughts (although I thought Cat’s post was excellent):

What are these young ladies who want to be SAHM’s going to do with their lives and to support themselves while waiting for:
a. Their future husband to arrive and marry them (if he ever does)?
b. Their future children to be born (if they ever are)?

In other words, what would your advice be to an unmarried young woman on this topic?

I always had assumed I would get married in my 20’s and start a family right away, but instead I got married at age 34 and had my 1st baby at 38.

In the meantime, I got a good education and a good job. So good in fact that my DH is now the SAHD.

A vocation to be a wife and mother or husband and father does not usually exclude other vocations.
Mine include: career, daughter, sister, aunt, Godmother, friend, neighbor, choirmember, etc.

God has given us all various talents and expects us to use them.

Trust in God to get you through the difficult times, but don’t forget that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. We will all have crosses to bear. Being a single parent can and does happen to anyone.

 

[Youngcatholic]

This thread is interesting to me. I was starting to feel like my education was a curse - I have a Masters Degree and a very well-paying job. However, I am married and want children very badly. All I want to do is quit this job (which I don’t like half as much as I thought I would) and stay at home with kids!! However, my husband is in the process of getting a better job to support us so I can have the baby. I don’t believe in day care for infants. The high-paying job, though, is really bolstering our savings and retirement in preparation for the family. All in all, I am very conflicted about my career since it isn’t what I want to do right now at all! However, this thread is also allowing me to be thankful for the education in case something happens to my husband. I guess I should also have options when my kids are in school. Women in general have it rough b/c we are forced to make all these complicated decisions regarding family, career, etc. It was almost easier when women’s role was that of mother and homemaker, though I could be wrong.

 

[SeekerJen]

Just a few other thoughts (although I thought Cat’s post was excellent):

What are these young ladies who want to be SAHM’s going to do with their lives and to support themselves while waiting for:
a. Their future husband to arrive and marry them (if he ever does)?
b. Their future children to be born (if they ever are)?

In other words, what would your advice be to an unmarried young woman on this topic?

I always had assumed I would get married in my 20’s and start a family right away, but instead I got married at age 34 and had my 1st baby at 38.

In the meantime, I got a good education and a good job. So good in fact that my DH is now the SAHD.

A vocation to be a wife and mother or husband and father does not usually exclude other vocations.
Mine include: career, daughter, sister, aunt, Godmother, friend, neighbor, choirmember, etc.

God has given us all various talents and expects us to use them.

Trust in God to get you through the difficult times, but don’t forget that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. We will all have crosses to bear. Being a single parent can and does happen to anyone.

Thank you for this post. So many people assume that “well, this is how I want my life to go, so this IS how it will go”. Yeah, when DH and I were married five years ago, we decided to start officially trying for a baby after our first anniversary. Four years later, we’re still waiting for that baby. If I didn’t have my career to keep me out of the house and busy, I suspect that the stress and heartbreak of infertility and miscarriage would have driven me insane, and almost certainly would have damaged our marriage.

Just because a young couple wants to have kids doesn’t mean it will happen. Sad, but true.

 

[sanctamaria17]

In this day and age… in order to “survive” if (God forbid) the breadwinner of the family were to pass… a simple “job” sometimes won’t cut it financially. If a woman has the *opportunity *to go to college and get a degree (at a reasonable cost) it should not be wasted.

I grew up watching my grandmother barely scrape by in retirement. She was widowed early on, with 7 very young children. It does happen.
She was an amazingly strong woman.

Very true!

I wish our system was set up so that co-parenting could take place and both spouses could have jobs and be active in raising their kids. Of course, a career doesn’t have to get in the way of you having kids. There are female politicians who have husbands who take care of their kids while their wives work. It depends on what’s best for the family. And there are those who have parents who work full time yet still are active in the lives of their children and the children turn out great!

That said, my field of interest is international relations, particularly in Peace and Conflict resolution. So this could be very interesting…I also started college as pre-med (though I’m not anymore) and I love school and the opportunities I have! My mind could change, it could not. I’m open to anything!

 

[udoc89]

Hi, there is something that I’ve been debating with myself for quite some time now. I should preface by saying that most of the girls that I’ve been interested in want to be a stay-at-home mom, but therein lies the problem. Personally, I have no problems with a girl wanting to be a stay-at-home mom; in fact, I’m all for it. The thing I am a bit ambivalent about is whether she should be able to support herself - and the children - should anything, God forbid, happen to the breadwinner of the family. Also, if a girl doesn’t have a career of her own, there might be fewer things to talk about between the spouses, because their experiences would be very different, and they would have trouble relating to each other, in my opinion.

I should also say that my parents are against the idea of stay-at-home moms altogether, because they think that would be too much pressure on the husband, but they will support and accept my decision. So my question to you is whether a woman should have her own career in addition to being the wife, mom, and whatever else life may throw her way. I didn’t have any preferences before in this regard, but now I’m leaning towards having her own career, and the more I think about, the more sense it makes.

What do you think? Thank you in advance!

Five years ago I was forced to go to work after my husband lost his job due to ill-health. I have since completed college (I’m working on my master’s now) and am teaching school. I am 54, by the way, and I thank God every day that I had the opportunity to stay home with my children all those years. Would I change anything if I had it to do all over again knowing what I know now? Absolutely not. No offense, SomeCatholicGuy, but it would be pure arrogance (and rather presumptuous) to suppose your future wife would not be your intellectual equal merely because she did not have an outside career. My husband (who is a highly-educated) would concur. We have other things in common besides our children, not the least of which is our Catholic Faith.

While I would not argue with you that a woman should probably be educated before she marries, I firmly believe that God has taken excellent care of my family and me since my husband had to quit working. My children are in college themselves, and I have a new career I love. Nobody has starved. And incidentally, my children are quite thankful they were fortunate enough to have their mother at home with them during their formative years, unlike many of their friends.

 

[puzzleannie]

I also think now that I have so many gals in the younger generation fighting out this battle for themselves, that there seems to be a tendency to deny natural feelings we have at different stages of life, and to make decisions based on some preconceived but poorly supported “rules” we have adopted. We ignore the very natural desire that comes to most women, to stop working and have kids at some point. We tend to ignore the very natural desire to stay home with an infant and the angst of returning to work. We don’t realize the very natural (in part hormonal) feelings of not wanting sex after childbirth for a while, are part of the package. Just as we don’t admit the body changes caused by childbirth are natural, not an enemy to be beaten.

And we tend to forget not every woman has the same response, emotionally, hormonally, or any other -ly to these life changes and stages, and we should not make our personal decisions based on “shoulds” laid down by women who made the right choice (or wrong one) for themselves. One gal my just love staying home with an infant, and dread going back to work, but her sister may be just living for the day when her baby is ready for day care. Neither one is “wrong” or “a better mom” or a “real woman” they just have different needs at different times.

 

[Just_wondering]

:clapping:

Well-said, Puzzleannie. I think it’s important to be flexible and open to changes in our desires and our circumstances. Life is complicated enough without laying down rules about what women should and shouldn’t want from their lives five or ten or twenty years down the road. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m going to be doing next year!

 

[whatevergirl]

I have always found it interesting that women are put through different things than men, when it comes to career, family, etc…like held up to a different standard or something. If a woman chooses a career, when her children are little, many people treat her like she “should have a good reason,” while a man can work 2 to 3 jobs, maybe never seeing his kids–while his wife stays at home, and gets a pat on the back. I stayed at home when my kids were preschool age…but this might not work for every woman. (so I’m agreeing with puzzleannie…she makes perfect sense as always )

For example…no one says…“working dads”…but the new term (maybe not so new)…“working moms,” is something overused.

A mom and dad are *equally needed *in raising a child, if that were not the case…it wouldn’t take both to bring life into the world to begin with.

I guess I just wish we’d stop using labels…like working out of the home moms…and stay at home moms. I think it creates an unncessary pressure on women. If a couple chooses to do what is in the best interest of their situation, and children…then no labels are ever needed. Women shouldn’t be made to feel badly because they have careers, nor should women feel badly who stay at home, if this is something that works for their families. The ideal is for one of the parents to be home with their children so daycare isn’t necessary–but if it’s not ideal, then women shouldn’t have to defend the reason they’re working. I’d like to see that change in my lifetime.

Just my opinion.

 

[dconklin]

Spending too much mental energy on this now will not really prepare anyone for what may happen. When my wife and I met we were both loverly paid professionals. Right before we got married she lost her job and took a different carrer path. She went from sitting behind a desk and dealing with beurocrats to working in retail. She was a polished shopper so she did very well with it. When our first child came along she was able to work nights and weekends, so our daughter always had one of us watching over her. A couple of years later I lost my job and she was able to easily become full-time. She eventually landed back into the corporate world and I soon got a job running the faith formation dept at our church (see what happens when pray too much? ). I am still at the church and home most days when the kids get off the bus from school.

Remember, God is in charge. Don’t worry yourself.

 

[maria29]

I have always found it interesting that women are put through different things than men, when it comes to career, family, etc…like held up to a different standard or something. If a woman chooses a career, when her children are little, many people treat her like she “should have a good reason,” while a man can work 2 to 3 jobs, maybe never seeing his kids–while his wife stays at home, and gets a pat on the back. I stayed at home when my kids were preschool age…but this might not work for every woman. (so I’m agreeing with puzzleannie…she makes perfect sense as always )

For example…no one says…“working dads”…but the new term (maybe not so new)…“working moms,” is something overused.

A mom and dad are *equally needed *in raising a child, if that were not the case…it wouldn’t take both to bring life into the world to begin with.

I guess I just wish we’d stop using labels…like working out of the home moms…and stay at home moms. I think it creates an unncessary pressure on women. If a couple chooses to do what is in the best interest of their situation, and children…then no labels are ever needed. Women shouldn’t be made to feel badly because they have careers, nor should women feel badly who stay at home, if this is something that works for their families. The ideal is for one of the parents to be home with their children so daycare isn’t necessary–but if it’s not ideal, then women shouldn’t have to defend the reason they’re working. I’d like to see that change in my lifetime.

Just my opinion.

Thank you for saying this.I think its extremely important to recognize that sometimes it is part of God’s will that both parents have to work to help provide for the family. It’s all well and good that someone doesn’t want to put their infant in daycare (and there is alternatives to daycare such a private babysitter which is way cheaper) but sometimes it is necesary no matter what you want to happen

 

[leonie]

Spending too much mental energy on this now will not really prepare anyone for what may happen. When my wife and I met we were both loverly paid professionals. Right before we got married she lost her job and took a different carrer path. She went from sitting behind a desk and dealing with beurocrats to working in retail. She was a polished shopper so she did very well with it. When our first child came along she was able to work nights and weekends, so our daughter always had one of us watching over her. A couple of years later I lost my job and she was able to easily become full-time. She eventually landed back into the corporate world and I soon got a job running the faith formation dept at our church (see what happens when pray too much? ). I am still at the church and home most days when the kids get off the bus from school.

Remember, God is in charge. Don’t worry yourself.

Great post! When I married, I thought I’d be a working mom to my 4 planned kids, but here I sit, a homeschooling SAHM of 6, with #7 on the way.

BTW, Homeschooling doesn’t produce any income, but it is a time and energy consuming as a fulltime job, so SAHM is a little disceiving as a title. My dh and I have more in common with working parents than SAHM parents in our workloads and job responsibility split. But, more in common with SAHM with our one income level.

Just to provide an opposing viewpoint, I know many women who would prefer to live a little more simply and work part time or not at all, but their husbands are very forceful insisting that they work.
A lot of the time, I think the husbands don’t calculate the real value of the second income after all the taxes and expenses. Sometimes, it is very little…

The most important thing is to be constanting discerning God’s Will. The circumstances of your life will help reveal it. Continual prayer and continual communication very important!!

All work is honorable in or out of the home.