Here We Go Again

[ephesians4]

“you are out of control with having to go to mass every Sunday”

That’s the bottom line right there. Whose control exactly? You can’t decide someone else ought to feel antipathy towards their religion because you do as if your emotions are objective fact, it’s madness. It’s like getting bored of someone else’s right arm and expecting them to cut it off.

On the other hand, I would have accommodated a family gathering and gone to mass another day. I’m sure it’s in the spirit of the faith to have a happy family and family life, the family in itself is a centrally important thing and its cohesion is in the interests of all concerned.

I think I would go out of my way to try and smooth this over, to on the one hand apologise for any disruption and try to fix the situation for the good of all, and on the other hand the next time anyone mentions that you are out of their “control”, make it politely clear you will be going through life and death and beyond a Catholic and it is part of who you are, so they may as well save themselves the wasted energy of feeling aggrieved and negative about it during that time.

 

[Book_Worm]

Why not get up a little earlier and find a plan your drive so that you are near a church at Mass time. It’s easy to research online. It’s how we plan our vacation travel.

It would be more of a sacrifice on your part and therefore give you a little more grace. It would also avoid creating more family disharmony and neutralize the accusation that you are selfish.

 

[St_Francis]

Did your SIL invite you yesterday for today? Or did she invite you some time ago?

If she only invited you yesterday or the day before, it is very rude of her to expect you to change around all your plans to accomodate this.

It is indeed very hard when you are trying to follow your Faith and do the right thing to have all this flung at you. You are suffering persecution in a small way and this is a cross you can offer up for your wife’s and her sister’s benefit. Keep praying for them…

BTW, I tried on several occasions to get to a Mass while I was going somewhere far away… it is very difficult. In between delays and finding the church in a strange town, I have never made it and now arrange my trips so I do not have to try!

Overall, I would suggest discussing these family problems with a good priest. Yes, there may be a lot of parishioners, but you can make an apointment with the priest and go to see him when it’s a good time for him.

 

[MonikaBarbara]

Why not get up a little earlier and find a plan your drive so that you are near a church at Mass time. It’s easy to research online. It’s how we plan our vacation travel.

It would be more of a sacrifice on your part and therefore give you a little more grace. It would also avoid creating more family disharmony and neutralize the accusation that you are selfish.

Yes, I was also thinking that if you were to skip your gathering on Sunday and go to Mass instead that would be a very strong sign to your wife about how important Church is to you. Of course, I totally understand if you can’t make this sacrifice because you are already committed to going or don’t want to make this sacrifice, considering that you are going to see people who are super dear to you and whom you do not get to see often.

But this really sounds like a good plan, to go to Mass on the road. I’ve done it and it is super cool to check out new churches.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Does your SIL actually expect you to apologize for choosing God over her?

Really?

 

[1ke]

My sister-in-law is irate and let my wife know on no uncertain terms just how angry she is with me and the Catholic Church for ruining her holiday.

Look how powerful you are, you singlehandledly have power over the kind of day your SIL is having. Oh, wait, that’s not true,

The attempts at emotional blackmail of both you and your wife are transparent. Her entire holiday would be ruined by moving dinner 1/2 hour? This is a person with serious issues that have nothing to do with your religion.

She said that when the Catholic Church interferes with family life it is a serious problem.

I would say the same is true when family members attempt to manipulate others and issue ultimatums such as both your wife and your SIL are doing.

So what do I do now?

Ignore their bad behavior. Drop your wife off early, go to Mass, and return. Or stay home.

 

[1ke]

my wife said she will not go to her sister’s if I do that.

That is her choice,

So I sent an email to my SIL explaining what happened.

Mistake.

You owe no one an explanation for a declined invitation. It sounds like it was last minute since you had other plans already confirmed for Sunday.

If she is inflexible to the point of a family picnic requiring everyone to be there all at once at a specific time instead of a come-and go affair, then that is her problem not yours. Your wife contributes by being equally inflexible.

It also sounds like your wife set expectations of attendance with her sister before asking you about the schedule. Sounds like you and the wife need to get on the same page as well.

Holidays are often a stressful time with lots of expectations. Next time, check with the family first before making other plans on a holiday weekend. You could certainly alter your Sunday plans by an hour too, stopping along the route for Mass or working your meal around a Sunday evening mass.

It’s hard to make everyone happy. That is why I got off that merry go round years ago.

Suggestions anyone?

Yes, I’d ignore her.

I’d also make it clear in the future that I am choosing to put God first not from fear of hell but from love of God. I’d make it clear that mass will always come first in all situations and to set expectations accordingly. Lastly I’d make it clear further commentary on my faith is not welcome.

 

[TruthSkr]

Well, the problem is resolved, for now. I found a 6:00 PM Mass at another church tonight and this is acceptable to my wife and her sister. But I can’t believe how I have to go through this time and time again. I have spoken to my priest several times about this subject during confession, but each situation is different. What worked last time doesn’t always work the next time. For a while I thought it was simple; if you physically can’t get to Mass then there is no obligation. If you can get there then you must. But it’s not that simple for me. There are no guidelines that cover the myriad of situations I keep running into. The biggest problem is the attitude of my wife and her sister about the Church. Would you believe that this morning in a text message my SIL actually compared the Church to a Charles Manson like cult that brainwashes people into believing it’s OK to kill. This is the kind of stuff I am dealing with. Has anyone else ever run into anything like this? I feel like I am living in the age of Christian persecutions.

 

[St_Francis]

Well, the problem is resolved, for now. I found a 6:00 PM Mass at another church tonight and this is acceptable to my wife and her sister. But I can’t believe how I have to go through this time and time again. I have spoken to my priest several times about this subject during confession, but each situation is different. What worked last time doesn’t always work the next time. For a while I thought it was simple; if you physically can’t get to Mass then there is no obligation. If you can get there then you must. But it’s not that simple for me. There are no guidelines that cover the myriad of situations I keep running into. The biggest problem is the attitude of my wife and her sister about the Church. Would you believe that this morning in a text message my SIL actually compared the Church to a Charles Manson like cult that brainwashes people into believing it’s OK to kill. This is the kind of stuff I am dealing with. Has anyone else ever run into anything like this? I feel like I am living in the age of Christian persecutions.

You are not the onky one who has faced very rude relatives wrt Catholicism!

First, I think you are dealing with a heavy level of vituperativeness, so you really might want to go to your priest at a time when it is not Confession or after Mass. **Make an apoointment!!! **He will be able to help you evaluate things like: does your wife have a psychological problem being left alone on vacation or is it only wrt Mass? If the former, then maybe you would be caring for a sick person and legitimately missing Mass (and maybe a way to suggest that she get some counseling). If the latter, *that is her problem. *And so on. Your priest should be able to discuss different sorts of responses to help you find one which is helpful and which you could apply consistently.

But you really need to deal with this in a real-life conversation with someone like a priest. Otherwise these two are going to pull you around every time you go on vacation or have a family get-together.

However, I can assure you that they are being unreasonable. Imagine if this were a class you were taking and they fussed like this. Wouldn’t that be crazy? Just because it’s a Catholic Mass, they think they can be incredibly obnoxious about it.

 

[Sunbreak]

So, how about this: since you are leaving early to avoid traffic, can you attend Mass at your destination city or some city along the way? You can easily look up Mass times here masstimes.org/

 

[Kay_Cee]

I feel like I am living in the age of Christian persecutions.

You are.

Of course, every age is the age of Christian persecution. Jesus promised us that.

But He also promised us this: “Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when they insult you and persecute you and utter every kind of evil against you falsely because of me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward will be great in heaven.” Matthew 5: 10-12

 

[AKDee]

I understand this to a point. My Mass obligation does sometimes interfere with plans other people try to make and annoys them. I tell my fiance (who is not religious), for example, that I can go to Vigil Mass on Saturday night, or Sunday morning Mass or Sunday evening Mass, but I have to go to one of them. I’ll let him pick what day he wants us to make plans based on that, but once it’s determined what Mass I’m going to, that’s the one I go to. People may not understand but they have no right to be angry when they spring plans on you and you already have other plans. People seem to think that it’s “just church” and you should be able to just skip that like it’s not important, but really what’s more important than God?

 

[InNomineDomini]

She said that when the Catholic Church interferes with family life it is a serious problem.

You really could get a broken heart reading this forum at times.

Jesus Christ is not a hat to be worn on Sundays, and He’s not some toy to be played with when we’re bored with all of our other gadgets. Moreover, our family, and every aspect of our lives, is to be conformed to Christ. We don’t conform Christ to our “more important” desires.

This person desperately needs deeper conversion, because I’m afraid that their priorities seem to be way out of whack.

Our Lord spoke about this situation 2,000 years ago. Matthew 10:

34 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; 36 and a man’s foes will be those of his own household. 37 He who loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he who loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; 38 and he who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it.

 

[Rau]

So after I told my wife I would gladly drop her off at her sister’s and then return as soon as Mass is over my wife said she will not go to her sister’s if I do that. So I sent an email to my SIL explaining what happened. Here is her reply, copied and pasted directly from her email:

"I think you are both stubborn. I told Loretta you both woukd be here and she was so happy and excited. I was happy and excited too cause you never come down for our picnics anymore. We barely get together on any holiday anymore. And now not coming. I really think you both need to stop arguing. You want to say she is stubborn. You are just as stubborn. You did not go to mass for years and now you want to be s holy Fokker that can’t miss You know my opinion in church. Sorry but to miss on occasion will not make you burn in hell. And jf it will you missed mass for so many years that missing in occasion now will not be what will put you there. And then the way you both argue is not what the bible would want you to do either. Don’t tell me she is stubborn. You are too. You must have your way all the time just like she wants it her way. I am pissed that once again you will not be present here for a picnic. You were invited. I was so looking forward to you coming and now your not as usual. So don’t tell me it is all Michele. It is you being just as stubborn and having to have your way. It is always so easy to say it is all her. But really you are out of control with having to go to mass every Sunday when you skipped for years and years. That to me is just an excuse for you to be a control freak and for you to do what you want to do now that you put it in your head that the church"s teaching mean so much to you

You need to try to start picking your battles. If this is an issue with you and Michele which apparently it is since you want to leave her in a hotel alone in vacation and you want to ruin a nice day of visiting with family and friends you need to decide what is more important. Ruining thing for someone you love or going to church when it is something you did not do for years and years. You always have to have your way. No matter what. You say Michele is stubborn. Look in the mirror.

And thanks for upsetting your wife and me."

Suggestions anyone?

Sounds like you were foolish and blamed your wife for everything.

 

[underacloud]

I’m glad a compromise was found.

But, like a few other posters have suggested, why couldn’t you have found a mass on Sunday that you could have planned your driving trip around? Worth looking into next time.

And, as others have noted, it does sound like you were blaming your wife. It may or may not be entirely her fault - we cannot know as we only hear one side of the story. But, in the future, if you continue with an antagonistic approach to these issues you can expect this hostility to continue. I suggest when these situations arise that you do your homework better in planning all possible contingencies and being flexible with them so you can work around your wife’s concerns.

eg in this case, you failed to prepare in advance two possible contingencies that could have been presented earlier - the 6pm Saturday mass or a mass along your driving route.

It’s a lot harder for anyone to reject multiple options than merely one option, and still hold to the belief that they are acting reasonably.

 

[Horton]

I am also the only Catholic in my family although my family isn’t anti-Catholic as your’s seems to be. I go to Mass at 9:30 every Sunday morning. That is set in stone as far as I’m concerned. Yes there are other Masses I can go to, Saturday evening, or in a nearby town, but I go when I want to go. My family just has to work around it.

We had a family outing planned for this past Sunday. I just told them I would meet them there after Mass. When they ask me if I can just skip church I tell them no, I can’t. End of story.

OP - Stand firm with your Mass attendance. Set the boundary in stone and make no apologies for your faith.

 

[ephesians4]

Well, the problem is resolved, for now. I found a 6:00 PM Mass at another church tonight and this is acceptable to my wife and her sister. But I can’t believe how I have to go through this time and time again. I have spoken to my priest several times about this subject during confession, but each situation is different. What worked last time doesn’t always work the next time. For a while I thought it was simple; if you physically can’t get to Mass then there is no obligation. If you can get there then you must. But it’s not that simple for me. There are no guidelines that cover the myriad of situations I keep running into. The biggest problem is the attitude of my wife and her sister about the Church. Would you believe that this morning in a text message my SIL actually compared the Church to a Charles Manson like cult that brainwashes people into believing it’s OK to kill. This is the kind of stuff I am dealing with. Has anyone else ever run into anything like this? I feel like I am living in the age of Christian persecutions.

Interesting - I think this comment changes how things look. It seems like you are being intentionally put in awkward situations by your sister-in-law because she joyfully hopes to set your personal life awhirl.

So SIL doesn’t like your religion, and happens to schedule a casual affair like a family picnic with an EXACT time you MUST attend, then rips into you and what you care about, and your wife joins in. By the sounds of it this completely unacceptable overstepping of boundaries has happened more than once, in different ways.

What next? If you decide to take up evening classes and SIL doesn’t like the subject matter? Will your wife be joining in and trying to control what you do with her then? Will your wife start running books you might like to read past the SIL first?

There is a time for accommodating people, but when someone from outside the home is passing comment on the things you care about and wish to spend your time on, even whether you should be allowed to do them, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to tell them it is not their place to comment on such things in your life, or to politely but insistently speak to your spouse and say that whatever opinions she and SIL choose to have and discuss, you don’t ever expect to have her gang up on you with someone else about stuff of yours that does not concern them, whether it is a religion, a hobby or anything else.

I wouldn’t be rude about it, I would be very calm and matter-of-fact, but I think you should say something considered. There is a level of courtesy everyone should be getting and you aren’t.

In the interests of finding that (suitably balanced) answer to this behaviour, I think speaking to your priest first would be a great idea.

 

[AKDee]

Based on your SIL’s response, it does sound like you placed some or all of the blame for the situation on your wife. I think she legitimately calls you out on that- whatever marital conflict you have, it should not become your SIL’s business- EVER. And the reality is that the choice to go to Mass is yours. It’s the right choice, but you need to own it, and not blame conflicts that come up because of it on your wife to other people. That said, it’s completely fair of you to sit down and ask your wife to support your Mass obligation. Let her know in advance which Mass you intend to go to, unless you always go to the same one, in which case let her know that from 9:30 to 11:30am each Sunday (as an example) you aren’t available because you’ll be at Mass.