L
Layman
Guest
… forbid them absolutely to do it!
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L
lizaanne
Guest
J
jrabs
Guest
I like your style!
It just may work.
S
Scar
Guest
…hit them where it really hurts… with hold your check book.
C
Cat
Guest
I agree with the psychology.
When my kids were growing up (between ages 6 and 10), we used TV as a punishment for misbehavior. We would tell the child, “You will sit here and watch television for one hour.” And then we would put on a cartoon or children’s video.
Oh, the ranting and screaming! “MOMMY, I don’t wanna watch TV!! Don’t make me watch this show again! Let me go!”
It’s the same psychology as with a diet. Ever noticed that you really don’t like mashed potatoes or rice or beans or fruit that much–until you are forbidden by a “diet” to eat it? Then all you can think about is Hungry Jack, or those little paper boxes of rice from the Chinese restaurant down the street, or a can of pork and beans, or a big ripe banana! Pant pant!
I think sometimes that if a parent just quietly says, “OK,” when an older child says, “I’m not going to do this anymore,” it would be more effective than arguing, pleading, putting your foot down, grounding, taking away privileges, etc. The same tenacity that helps a soldier endure unbearable torture can also be present in a teenager who is defying a parent or a God. Disarm the tenacity.
Recognize that the teenager is merely trying something out, and that he has not permanently rejected his/her faith and the Church. It’s just an experiment. Teenagers all have to “break away” from their parents eventually, and unfortunately, some choose to do that through giving up Church. Hey, at least it won’t kill the child physically, like taking drugs or drag-racing.
Eventually most children realize that the experiment isn’t making them any happier, and they return. Think about how many people you know with that exact same testimony.
Just make sure the teenager knows that you will be happy to talk things over whenever they’re ready, and that you hope that someday, he/she will change their mind about Mass.
Then as they walk away, start praying like mad!
C
Cat
Guest
One other thing you can do is try to strike a compromise with the teeanger. Ask them if they would be willing to attend Mass on special days–Christmas, Easter, First Communion of a relative, whenever Grandma and Grandpa are in town, etc. Point out that you realize that they don’t believe what is being taught, but that you would appreciate their presence anyway at these family times.
D
drforjc
Guest
Wouldn’t that be tantamount to commanding them to sin?
J
JanetF
Guest
“As long as you are living under my roof, you will go to mass, unless you have vomited within the past 5 minutes, or you are sitting on the toilet with diarrhea.”
This is what I was told as a teenager. When I was in college I quit going, but I never really gave up my faith, and loe and behold if I didn’t go back and renew by faith after a few years.
This is what I was told as a teenager. When I was in college I quit going, but I never really gave up my faith, and loe and behold if I didn’t go back and renew by faith after a few years.
S
stanthonyserver
Guest
Do what we did and most of my Catholic friend’s did. Raise them as Roman Catholics. Take them to Mass every week starting when they are very young. Provide them with a home and family that lives the Catholic faith - not perfect, not without sin - but faithful and working to be the best we can be.
If you are lucky add to that an extended family that makes their Catholic faith a regular part of their lives, rich with Catholic tradition at Christmas, Easter etc. A family that celebrates each marriage, each birth, each baptism as if it were the most important thing in the world.
That’s how I raised my two. Both were altar servers, both attended church willingly each week and still do. Both would have considered NOT going to Mass on Sunday as something weird and this includes vacations etc. Some of their most memorable Masses were celebrated in other countries.
It is only when you don’t set the example and make Mass an option that you will run into trouble. If it is a part of your everyday living, they I don’t understand the issue.
If you are lucky add to that an extended family that makes their Catholic faith a regular part of their lives, rich with Catholic tradition at Christmas, Easter etc. A family that celebrates each marriage, each birth, each baptism as if it were the most important thing in the world.
That’s how I raised my two. Both were altar servers, both attended church willingly each week and still do. Both would have considered NOT going to Mass on Sunday as something weird and this includes vacations etc. Some of their most memorable Masses were celebrated in other countries.
It is only when you don’t set the example and make Mass an option that you will run into trouble. If it is a part of your everyday living, they I don’t understand the issue.
M
momv10
Guest
If you are waiting till they are teens to get serious about your own prayer life, they will know it. Most families we know, the kids seem to follow what the parent of the same sex believes. Sons follow fathers and daughters follow mothers. If they are lukewarm as well then that is a recipe for teens being “done” with trying to understand mass.
Also, most who we know with kids who are done (not all, just most) with mass attendance, if you went to their homes you would notice nothing that would point to being a Catholic family.
I guess I’m getting jaded but I don’t believe folks anymore when they complain their kids won’t go.
Diane
Also, most who we know with kids who are done (not all, just most) with mass attendance, if you went to their homes you would notice nothing that would point to being a Catholic family.
I guess I’m getting jaded but I don’t believe folks anymore when they complain their kids won’t go.
Diane
C
Cat
Guest
I disagree with this.
There are many wonderful parents who do EVERYTHING right, along with extended family members and the local church, and the kids still rebel and reject and and run away and break their parents’ heart.
We all know families where this has happened. Sometimes there are factors that the friends and neighbors don’t know about (e.g., drinking, incest, drugs, affairs, etc.) But all too often, there are no secrets or hidden sins or mistakes. The parents have done an excellent job and it didn’t make a difference–the kid rejects it all.
I think that we have to consider the influence of society and culture. Some kids are more immune to it, while others are enticed. We can try our best, but we will continue to lose some of our children. And we can’t always blame the family. That just drives the family away from God and the Church, too.
S
stbruno
Guest
Here’s how my kids kept going to mass…I got them imvolved…whether it was as a altar server, a lector, an usher, part of the choir, part of the youth group. They stayed connected, helping with decorating the church for holidays, works of charity, you name it. However, if you aren’t as equally involved, then it means little.
As St.Francis of Assisi said, preach often and when necessary use words…
And they answered the responsibility very aptly.
As St.Francis of Assisi said, preach often and when necessary use words…
And they answered the responsibility very aptly.
C
Cat
Guest
J
JMJ_coder
Guest
This is a multi-part answer.
- If they live under your roof (especially if they are under 18), they don’t get a choice. Period! As my mother used to tell me, “you don’t like the rules, there’s the door - don’t let it hit you on the way out!”
- Explain the faith. Don’t expect the CCD/Youth Ministry, etc. to educate your children. Be proactive about this. Don’t just say “you have to go to Mass”, but explain why attending Mass is so vital, why worshiping God is the right thing to do and necessary for our happiness. “Because I said so” is not an acceptable answer in this area.
- Practice your faith. If you go to Mass and force your children to go with you, but you live as if there is no God the rest of the week (“I said hi to God on Sunday but don’t dare mention Him to me on Monday”), your children will perceive this. Children, particularly young children, learn more from imitation and mimicry than by lectures. Make sure you live your faith. You can’t expect children to understand “do as I say not as I do”.
- Pray together. Say a family Rosary (“the family that prays together stays together”), go to Lenten devotions, pray the Liturgy of the Hours, go to nursing homes, volunteer, etc. All of these are primetime teaching moments; why do we visit the sick or feed the hungry, what is the Rosary and why is it such an efficacious prayer, etc.
- Censorship! If you must allow your children to watch television (or the internet), be very discerning in what they watch. Even seemingly “innocent” programs can be packed with immoral teachings. For example, “Happy Feet” - it was a cute movie, but it had a strong message against tradition and the wisdom of authority. Such a movie for young children could have the tendency to lure them away from “organized religion” into an ethereal notion of religion. It is subtle - that’s what makes it so dangerous. Adults probably won’t be caught up in it, but young children are like sponges. Be careful of what they absorb.
- Some will, despite all efforts, choose to abandon God. If they are no longer under your direct control, there is little you can do but pray (but that is mightily effective). It should be noted that those who are brought up in a truly Catholic family (not puritanical, not liberal/permissive/negligent) tend to not only be the most “well-balanced” people, but the least likely to sin against God or abandon Him altogether. (note: no, I don’t have statistics to back this up, but it is an observation that I think is accurate)
C
Cat
Guest
So basically it sounds like everyone who has posted so far is saying that it’s up to the family, especially the parents, to keep the kid going to Mass.
Are you also saying that the local parish doesn’t play any part in “luring” teenagers back to Mass?
I personally think it’s a partnership. As kids grow up, they become less influenced by their parents and more influenced by other adults and by their PEERS. There isn’t a whole lot you can do to avoid this. It’s not sinful, and it’s not “rebellion” on the part of the child to be more interested in what his friends or his basketball coach has to say than what his parents have to say.
It’s just part of growing up. It’s one way the child weans himself away from his family and becomes an adult.
So the parents have about twelve years where they are the Grand Poo-Bahs in the child’s life, and after that, they have to watch him pull away.
Of course, the parents still have a teaching role, and they should continue to teach in teachable moments. But they are no longer the center of the child’s authority universe. So IMO, demanding that a child attend Mass might get his body in the pew, but not necessarily his mind.
So what this means to me is 1) the child should have some really good peers, e.g., other kids from strong Catholic families and 2) the child should have some really good LIVING (not just saints in heaven) adult role models other than parents.
The peers come as the parents develop lots of friendships through the childhood years with other families who have the same beliefs and values. Yes, some of these friendships fade as the children grow up. But many times, if families have been friends for years, the kids will remain friends.
Also, if the parent has been involving the child in parish life, they should have friends that they made in CCD, school, various clubs, Vacation Bible school, projects, etc.
Of course, there’s the risk that when the child becomes a teenager, he/she will abandon all these good peers and select a gang of thugs for his/her closest associates. But chances are good that if the child has grown up around a gang of good kids, he/she won’t just abandon them in the teen years.
As for the adult role models, certainly the priests are there, but nowadays, that can be a little sensitive. Besides, priests move to different parishes every few years. So IMO, the teachers, religious education leaders, and above all, youth sponsors, can really provide some good, strong, safe role models for teenagers.
Yes, it hurts the parents to see the child always running to “Mr. Youth Group Sponsor” for advice and friendship. But if Mr.Youth Group Sponsor is a great Christian who imparts his faith and good values to your kid, isn’t that better than the kid abandoning Mass?
Of course, this means that isolating a family is a very unwise thing to do, at least IMO. In order for a child to make friends, the parents have to let him/her out of the house and mingle with others. In order to meet good adult role models, the parents have to allow other adults to help teach their children. That’s tough. But it’s the wisest course in the long run.
And the parish can help by strengthening all the children’s and youth programs and making sure that the people who are teaching these programs are vetted and proven to be gifted by God in working with children and/or teenagers.
I personally think that a Catholic parish should have a youth group. Not all kids are interested in a youth group. But for those who ARE, it’s a great place to hold onto your faith. Good peers, good leaders. And a good all-around program with deep teaching, acceptance by peers and leaders, fun socials, good service projects (teens want to DO stuff, not just sit around and listen or talk about stuff!) and lots of opportunities to make friends.
As for the parish “livening up the Mass” to attract teenagers…well…I don’t think that’s necessary unless the teenagers themselves ask for it. Then go easy and add perhaps ONE “young” song, not a whole Mass-full! But the best way to “liven up the Mass” for teenagers is to involve the teens in the Mass, perhaps as cantors or a choir, or as lectors, ushers, or even pew dusters who straighten out the hymnals and missalettes after Mass. Or have them all come fifteen minutes early and lead the Rosary–remember, teens like to DO, not talk! Remember, teens are peer-oriented, which means that if their FRIENDS are helping with Mass, THEY will want to help with Mass! And that will get them to Mass.
Are you also saying that the local parish doesn’t play any part in “luring” teenagers back to Mass?
I personally think it’s a partnership. As kids grow up, they become less influenced by their parents and more influenced by other adults and by their PEERS. There isn’t a whole lot you can do to avoid this. It’s not sinful, and it’s not “rebellion” on the part of the child to be more interested in what his friends or his basketball coach has to say than what his parents have to say.
It’s just part of growing up. It’s one way the child weans himself away from his family and becomes an adult.
So the parents have about twelve years where they are the Grand Poo-Bahs in the child’s life, and after that, they have to watch him pull away.
Of course, the parents still have a teaching role, and they should continue to teach in teachable moments. But they are no longer the center of the child’s authority universe. So IMO, demanding that a child attend Mass might get his body in the pew, but not necessarily his mind.
So what this means to me is 1) the child should have some really good peers, e.g., other kids from strong Catholic families and 2) the child should have some really good LIVING (not just saints in heaven) adult role models other than parents.
The peers come as the parents develop lots of friendships through the childhood years with other families who have the same beliefs and values. Yes, some of these friendships fade as the children grow up. But many times, if families have been friends for years, the kids will remain friends.
Also, if the parent has been involving the child in parish life, they should have friends that they made in CCD, school, various clubs, Vacation Bible school, projects, etc.
Of course, there’s the risk that when the child becomes a teenager, he/she will abandon all these good peers and select a gang of thugs for his/her closest associates. But chances are good that if the child has grown up around a gang of good kids, he/she won’t just abandon them in the teen years.
As for the adult role models, certainly the priests are there, but nowadays, that can be a little sensitive. Besides, priests move to different parishes every few years. So IMO, the teachers, religious education leaders, and above all, youth sponsors, can really provide some good, strong, safe role models for teenagers.
Yes, it hurts the parents to see the child always running to “Mr. Youth Group Sponsor” for advice and friendship. But if Mr.Youth Group Sponsor is a great Christian who imparts his faith and good values to your kid, isn’t that better than the kid abandoning Mass?
Of course, this means that isolating a family is a very unwise thing to do, at least IMO. In order for a child to make friends, the parents have to let him/her out of the house and mingle with others. In order to meet good adult role models, the parents have to allow other adults to help teach their children. That’s tough. But it’s the wisest course in the long run.
And the parish can help by strengthening all the children’s and youth programs and making sure that the people who are teaching these programs are vetted and proven to be gifted by God in working with children and/or teenagers.
I personally think that a Catholic parish should have a youth group. Not all kids are interested in a youth group. But for those who ARE, it’s a great place to hold onto your faith. Good peers, good leaders. And a good all-around program with deep teaching, acceptance by peers and leaders, fun socials, good service projects (teens want to DO stuff, not just sit around and listen or talk about stuff!) and lots of opportunities to make friends.
As for the parish “livening up the Mass” to attract teenagers…well…I don’t think that’s necessary unless the teenagers themselves ask for it. Then go easy and add perhaps ONE “young” song, not a whole Mass-full! But the best way to “liven up the Mass” for teenagers is to involve the teens in the Mass, perhaps as cantors or a choir, or as lectors, ushers, or even pew dusters who straighten out the hymnals and missalettes after Mass. Or have them all come fifteen minutes early and lead the Rosary–remember, teens like to DO, not talk! Remember, teens are peer-oriented, which means that if their FRIENDS are helping with Mass, THEY will want to help with Mass! And that will get them to Mass.
J
JMJ_coder
Guest
No I am not saying that. But, the family is the “domestic church”, as the Second Vatican Council and Catechism tells us. The parents are the "“by word and example . . . the first heralds of the faith with regard to their children.” (CCC 1656).
If parents take their responsibilities seriously and execute them competently (and too many parents today fail in one or both of these areas), then there will be less of a need to “lure” children back because they will be more likely not to have have strayed away.
S
Scarlet2009
Guest
I find this post so interesting as I was the complete opposite!! I was baptised as a baby in an Anglican chuch purely because my parents were superstitious and wondered where O would go when I died and also because it was the ‘done thing.’ I never once stepped into a church, though christmas was about father christmas and easter was about chocolate eggs!! I always felt a little bit lost though and made serious wrong choices along the way. Then at 16, I met Kate a girl the same age as me that I really looked up to. She seemed really content with life. She went to church every sunday and sang in the choir, she had grown up in a strict household went to church 2 or 3 times a week, said grace before dinner and went to sunday school as a child. I was JEALOUS!! she seemed to have what I had always missd out on!! So I joined church with her, found my faith and never looked back. In recent months I have felt more and more confused about the Anglican church and felt a calling to the catholic church and so I have been attending mass and really feel like Im home. Im 22 now and my family are always surpriesed that I turned into a ‘god follower’ or wahtever they want to call me. I will raise my own children with faith and give them what I missed out on, but it just goes to show that the reverse psychology thing really can work and for me 'not going to church made me do the opposite
R
reff
Guest
Stop with all the nonsense neo-folk Masses complete with hippy music, give them the beautiful traditional setting, and you’ll have us youngins showing up every time!!
L
Layman
Guest
I made the original post as a joke.
However, I think dumbed-down or folky masses won’t reach the rebellious, intellectual Goth teen. The TLM would be much better. You’re safer with that. If it was good enough for St. Padre Pio and all the saints before him …
Here is how one mother handles the situation [warning, bad language!]
youtube.com/watch?v=xZXzkRb6m88
I won’t spoil it for you, but she makes a valid threat near the end!
However, I think dumbed-down or folky masses won’t reach the rebellious, intellectual Goth teen. The TLM would be much better. You’re safer with that. If it was good enough for St. Padre Pio and all the saints before him …
Here is how one mother handles the situation [warning, bad language!]
youtube.com/watch?v=xZXzkRb6m88
I won’t spoil it for you, but she makes a valid threat near the end!
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