He's not into you

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JLCecilia

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My mom told me last night that she had to break a guy’s heart at church. She said she had noticed a gentleman sitting right behind her a few days at mass last week and she realized she wasn’t wearing her wedding ring. She told me she had to break his heart when she and dad kissed during the sign of peace. Insert eyeroll. I can’t believe this is something she would tell her daughter, let alone her husband. My dad has even talked to me about it: she thinks everyone’s intersted in her, well, this man or that man is as interested in your mother as he is in me!

As I write this, it’s dawning on me the rumor my brother’s ex-wife told me about why my folks split when I was younger that probably plays into this delusion of mom’s. I’ve never confirmed it, but it would make sense if it were true. Sheesh, get over yourself!
 
It seems strange to me that this is the kind of family news you choose to broadcast over the Internet. 🤷 (There may be some backstory or context that I’m missing.)

Many women like to be flirted with or know that men find them attractive, especially as they get older (they like to know they’ve “still got it.”) Even if it wasn’t the case at all that this man was “checking her out”, and your mom really likes to get attention by telling these stories, this seems like such a minor thing. If you can ignore it, I would think the prevalence of these kinds of things would lessen (I’m imagining that since you posted about it, it must be somewhat habitual.)

I’m also thinking that your mom may have some kind of self-confidence issues. My sister, who is young and very attractive, constantly goes on and on about how she has so many boys who like her and how she just can’t choose among them. But she’s really very lonely and has very poor self-esteem - she thinks her attractiveness is the only thing she’s got going. It is really annoying to have to listen to, but when I am talking with her and she starts in on this kind of thing, I try to steer her toward acknowledging other qualities she has that are more important. Less annoying for me, and hopefully confidence building for her. It also sets an important boundary. If she insists on the “I’m so great because I’m pretty and I have all these boys” topic, I suddenly have to hang up or do something else. I’m not rejecting her, just the endless dwelling on the topic. I also make sure that she knows that I think there’s more to her than that. I don’t tear her down more because she can be annoying on occasion.

So, for an example of how this can work:

JLC’s Mom: “Did you see how so and so was looking at me? I didn’t have my wedding band so he must have thought it was his lucky day!”
JLC: “You do look really good, Mom. [affirmation] You always take such good care of yourself. [starting to steer to more important topic] That reminds me - can you tell me where you found that recipe/bought that outfit/what the name of that book you were reading [topic choices - endless]?”

Your mom can either go with the topic or if she chooses to insist on the other one, you can leave:

JLC: Look, Mom, I really have to go, but if you remember [your chosen topic], please let me know!

And then you hang up or leave the room or whatever.
 
pensmama87, yeah, last night when I had to hear about it, I just didn’t respond, dead air on my end. Normally I’ll just pretend to be busy w/ the kids and she’ll end the call. If I don’t play along and drag it out, she loses interest in conversation. I guess, for me, I see my mom’s character flaws and I cringe thinking how these uglies play themselves out in my own life. I will agree with you that I think my mom considers her ‘beauty’ to be all she has. She has always been very vain and I see myself copying that. I am often late to get out the door b/c I’m obsessing over trivial things as though my looks are of the upmost importance, when really, this whole routine just paints me as a fussy princess. Not good. And I know our DHs (and childrend) do not appreciate being held up either.

As a mother of littles, I get up early and get myself ready first to accomodate everyone’s schedule and so it’s out of the way so I can help everyone else get ready. I’m sure, in time, that will change. As everyone else becomes more self sufficient, I will become more self-involved. Whenever we visit my folks, all of us normally end up waiting on mom to finish getting ready, and not b/c she got caught up w/ chores or cooking.

My future isn’t looking so hot, pun intended.
 
I read something once that suggests that women don’t dress for men as much as they do for other women. I think this is so true. If someone pays me a compliment on my outfit, I feel embarrassed as though I must look like I’m trying too hard. Thankfully, for me, in my state of life, that doesn’t happen too often, hah! Having lots of littles and living a very homebased life has helped my vanity (a little, I do still have to dress for work). I’m also grateful that both of my close GFs are very low-key, so the only form of competition is ‘who can look more laid back.’ 😛
 
Just because the man sat behind your mother a few times at mass that makes him interested in her…?..and because she kissed your father the man in the pew is in her opinion brokenhearted?..

No offence meant but your mother sounds delusional…
 
I am 29 years old and I happen to sit in the pew, right behind the same senior citizen lady at my parish’s 6:30am Mass by coincidence enough times that I noticed it myself. Hope she does not think it means that I must be interested in her 😃

Truth is I like to sit in the same place (one pew behind or one pew in front does not bother me) at Sunday Mass and I am guessing she likes to sit at the same place every Sunday Mass. Maybe the man that your mother assumed was sitting behind her because he was interested In her was just laying claim to that spot, for lack of a better term and she just happened to sit in front of that spot a few times. And even if she is right and he did find her attractive the whole “had to break his heart” thing is very arrogant to think.

Sorry that your mother annoys you in this way. We all have something about our parents that annoy us.
 
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