I feel called to God & want to be close to him during life & purify myself to behold his Glory.
I thank you for the advice, i’ll add the book to my to buy list. A spiritual director is what look for. To make a long story somewhat shorter my life has, through my own sins & passions led me to a point where there was but 2 choices for my soul: to die or repent. I naturally “gave up” myself and it was as if my eyes were at once opened. I felt a profound connection to all living things and my soul (which I doubted even existed) and a lack of ego. I simply “was” and loved it! Being baptised into a Lutheran Church and raised in a secular home that like many other at all times avoided talks on the subjects of Death and Meaning of Life my view of Christianity as a spiritual discipline for enlightenment was that I doubted it was even possible. The church I had never been able to make clear to me why christianity mattered or make me pursue it myself. Even though i had been confirmed I never got to know christianity other than as a set of intellectual propositions of doctrine, which would by intellectual self-persuasion of their truths and submission to them grant me pardon from all past and future sins and grant me perect soul and eternity in Heaven. I rejected this because I knew from experience that one cannot acquire personal “progress” by simple intellectual acceptance while doing absolutely nothing about it. After a so called “awakening” (to the life of the soul) i read many spiritual teachings and when I got to the Bible I read
A Psalm of David. (Ps 23)
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want;
he makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff,
they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
thou anointest my head with oil,
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
for ever.
This Psalm immediately put me in a state of the same enlightenment & through tears of Joy led me to personal conversion. I was convinced I was called to God because this Psalm makes sense to me about my former life in depression that came from the lack of answers to the question of the meaning of Life which I had pondered since I as a child realised that I will die. From this came many sorrows and addictions to drugs to numb what I now realised was infact my soul longing for its source. I remember how I felt at that moment when I chose repentance and how I through my own submission to passions had been prepared a table in the prescence of My enemies only to at the moment of realisation have my head anointed with Oil and my Cup filled with overflowing grace.
As my investigations of the Faith of my lutheran ancestors had led me to reject christianity and to eastern buddhism and hinduism I from now on centered at the Holy Bible. I researched Judaism and has gotten much joy and understanding on contemplation of the bible from its traditional Torah and symbolic kabbalistic commentaries and subsequently I have arrived at a personal conviction that the eternal Christ was indeed incarnated and dwelled among us and whose majestic teachings can only be truly understood in its full context through the Catholic and Orthodox theology and spirituality.
I have taken the step to personal conversion to the Catholic Church and I have been given the YouCat from the local Priest. Even though I am an adult and already own the full cathecesis I will study the YouCat to at least in a small way test myself and for the first time in my life humble my Self to a spiritual director.
I am pretty new to practical catholic life and have not yet had the oppurtunity to in more detail explain my souls wounds for the priest. He seems either very busy or God Forbid sceptical about a possible conversion. This I understood when he explained the most common reasons for conversion to catholicism from the lutheran church was conservative minded christians despising the fact that the Lutheran Church of Sweden teaches Yoga, has hired an Islamic Imam, blesses divorce, performs homosexual marriage with full blessings, is not officially opposed to either contraception or abortion, teaches that the understanding of and beliefnin the Trinity and even the divinity of Jesus or even belief in God is necessary for being a Christian and has officially excluded Spiritual Direction as a Main Purpose ordbyte church. While in a way I also come ti the church because these are devastating principles for Christian Life but that is solely based on my own personal feeling of being called to live a life in holiness. Maybe he doesnt believe me yet or i have to prove to him that I truly want to but in the meantime I am left without spiritual direction in a time where I most need it.
The orthodox church seems very centered on personal development in Christ despite being a church with foreign language, but while I very much love the mystical theology, ascetic and hesychast tradition of orthodoxy I can not convert to any other church than one that is in full communion with the successor of St. Peter, even though I sometimes have fears that it might be hard finding a catholic priest/monk/sister/other with experience and knowledge of hesychast prayerwork. For this I must trust solely in that God will show me the way and make me willing to walk it.
Forgive me for writing at such length solely about myself but I wanted to explain the why kn asking where does one who is new to catholic life and spiritual tradition in actual life “look” for a spiritual director? Any tips from personal experience would be greatly appreciated!