Hi - new mom here

[MaryHelene]

Hi all,

I am new here. I am a lifelong Catholic and have been married for 7 years with three children ages 1, 4 and 6. I love the Catholic Church, but am really, really struggling with my faith right now. Not only am I feeling like I am “incapable” (for lack of a better term) of believing in God as Christians understand Him, even though I want to - I am also very morally and intellectually conflicted with some of our catechism. It’s very hard for me because I do love Catholic culture, and a lot of what our Church teaches. So far we have raised our kids Catholic, and my school-aged child attends a Catholic school. My husband was raised in a super religious and conservative Catholic household and now considers himself a Catholic/agnostic. He thinks it’s a good way to raise the children, but is not on board with living the catechism to the letter.

Anyway, I am hoping to make some new online friends who can hopefully help me figure this all out.

Thanks so much

Mary Helene

 

[dconklin]

I work at parish in the Religious Education office. Over the years I have noticed many lapsed or disillusioned Catholics find themselves returning to the Church as they raise their kids in the faith. As we are taught more about are faith (as we get older) one or two bad experiences or teachers may get us to rethink things. Sometimes we over think things - because that is what we are encouraged to do in the rest of our life.

When parents start to relearn as a result of what their children are being taught, they begin to redevelop a child-like faith. To be a “good” Catholic adult you do not have to know and totally understand/agree with everything in the Catechism. Most Catholic adults know very little of the Catechism. You may even want to be a catechist someday, because seeing the faith as a child does is very holy thing.

Keep it simple and keep the faith!

 

[danserr]

Hi all,

I am new here. I am a lifelong Catholic and have been married for 7 years with three children ages 1, 4 and 6. I love the Catholic Church, but am really, really struggling with my faith right now. Not only am I feeling like I am “incapable” (for lack of a better term) of believing in God as Christians understand Him, even though I want to - I am also very morally and intellectually conflicted with some of our catechism. It’s very hard for me because I do love Catholic culture, and a lot of what our Church teaches. So far we have raised our kids Catholic, and my school-aged child attends a Catholic school. My husband was raised in a super religious and conservative Catholic household and now considers himself a Catholic/agnostic. He thinks it’s a good way to raise the children, but is not on board with living the catechism to the letter.

Anyway, I am hoping to make some new online friends who can hopefully help me figure this all out.

Thanks so much

Mary Helene

Welcome to the boards. It’s a little hard to reply just because I don’t know your situation beyond your post, or what about Catholic doctrine bothers you or why, so I can only offer general suggestions. Second, I should mention I don’t think a message board is the best place to solve the challenges you mention. I think you could get some ideas here, some may be helpful, some may not. But it would probably help more to see a priest or good spiritual director regularly. The human contact is probably likely to be more helpful than message board advice.

Having just warned you about the limits of advice from internet message boards, I will now offer some suggestions from a message board.

What part of believing in God as Catholics understand him troubles you? The reason I ask is that a better understanding of what Catholics actually think and why is an important first step. So if we know what part troubles you, then we can suggest the appropriate resources to look into.
I’ve recently been listening to the Catholic Catechism series by Fulton Sheen here:
americancatholictruthsociety.com/articles/sheen.htm
but I think whether that is useful for you depends on what your specific questions are.

One broad thought since I can’t say too much specific yet, is that it’s understandable that many modern people have reservations with parts of the catechism, but remember, Catholic beliefs are not just the products of random chance or some random bishop or even pope. A lot of smart people have thought a lot about them over the years after reflecting on the Bible, tradition, and authority. If we disagree with parts of them, it is possible that we are mistaken and it’s useful to be aware of that.

 

[MaryHelene]

Welcome to the boards. It’s a little hard to reply just because I don’t know your situation beyond your post, or what about Catholic doctrine bothers you or why, so I can only offer general suggestions. Second, I should mention I don’t think a message board is the best place to solve the challenges you mention. I think you could get some ideas here, some may be helpful, some may not. But it would probably help more to see a priest or good spiritual director regularly. The human contact is probably likely to be more helpful than message board advice.

Having just warned you about the limits of advice from internet message boards, I will now offer some suggestions from a message board.

What part of believing in God as Catholics understand him troubles you? The reason I ask is that a better understanding of what Catholics actually think and why is an important first step. So if we know what part troubles you, then we can suggest the appropriate resources to look into.
I’ve recently been listening to the Catholic Catechism series by Fulton Sheen here:
americancatholictruthsociety.com/articles/sheen.htm
but I think whether that is useful for you depends on what your specific questions are.

One broad thought since I can’t say too much specific yet, is that it’s understandable that many modern people have reservations with parts of the catechism, but remember, Catholic beliefs are not just the products of random chance or some random bishop or even pope. A lot of smart people have thought a lot about them over the years after reflecting on the Bible, tradition, and authority. If we disagree with parts of them, it is possible that we are mistaken and it’s useful to be aware of that.

Thank you for your welcome and your thoughts. I wish I had a relationship with a priest, but our priest is not available for private counsel for “day to day” things. Our parish is simply too big and too busy for him to see every parishioner who wants to chat. I could probably meet with a deacon at some point, though.

I guess my main problem is that, while I have almost always been an “active” Catholic, I am beginning to feel like God is just something people made up to make them feel less afraid of death. I recently had a young family member die suddenly. The cliches people used to console the survivors seemed so trite and silly. “She’s in a better place,” “It was God’s will,” “She’s with Jesus,” “She’s in paradise,” “May the angels greet her at the gates of Heaven…” Etc. It just seemed like the entire thing was made up so that we’re less afraid to die and so we don’t have to accept that our loved ones truly cease to exist once they die. Additionally, I have a hard time believing things that just don’t make sense. I have been told that God loves me since I was very young, and yet, I make my own way in the world and good and bad things happen just like they do for everyone. There is unimaginable suffering and disparity of resources in our world, and it’s nice that everyone is told that God loves them, but I just don’t see it. I think people make choices and have certain privileges and are subject to the luck of the draw. As much as I WANT there to be a Heaven, and a God, it is just hard for me to buy into it.

I wish I could have the faith of a child, but I fear that my adult eyes have seen too much for me to ever go back to those simplistic beliefs.

As far as the catechism goes, I have to be honest and say that I feel my family is complete. That’s not to say that I would not or could not love another child - but I really do not ever wish to be pregnant again. I have hard pregnancies and having the children we already have has been hard on my body, my sanity, and my marriage. I really don’t want any more children (at this time, at least.) I do, however, wish to have a loving intimate relationship with my husband. It is hard for me to accept the Church’s teaching on artificial birth control. We do not use it at this time, and never have, but both of us would like to. My husband feels that we have “paid our dues” with regard to bearing children. I don’t want to go to Hell, on the chance that there is such a place! My husband says that he doesn’t really believe people go to Hell for using artificial birth control, and that the Catholic Church just wants to control women’s bodies and behavior by keeping them perpetually pregnant. He says that it’s unreasonable to expect modern families not to use birth control when they have already had children and are really “maxed out” emotionally and physically from doing so.

I know this is a lot and I do not expect anyone to solve my problems. It would be nice, though, to meet some Catholic people who can relate to my struggles or maybe shed a little light on the situation. Most Catholics I know are not serious in their practice or understanding of the faith.

Take care!

 

[danserr]

I guess I’m on the other end of the marriage situation with ABC, my wife and I just got married and we would rather try to put off having children for a little while. I’m still a graduate student (20th grade or so) and money is on the tight side.

It doesn’t seem like your attitude to children is really that far off. My wife was wondering about this too, actually. She was wondering if say we have 4 children and she is 38, is it ok to decide that we would like to be finished for now, (though, of course, if something happens still accepting that). It doesn’t seem to me from what I’ve read that the Church would have much problem with that, or with you deciding you want to be done for now. You never know if you might change your mind in a little while or not anyway.

Using ABC would still be a problem, but using NFP would be fine. My wife and I use the sympo- method and are reasonably comfortable with it. What makes it different from ABC is that with ABC a person is causing their body’s infertility, while in using NFP one simply co-operates with (not causes) the natural infertility of their body. My wife and I learned self-taught using the secular book (you just ignore the part on condom use), Taking Charge of Your Fertility.. Some people here use the Marquette model. The Church has no problem with this; it doesn’t really insist that women be continually pregnant, it just wants to make sure the methods used are moral. It’s not really about controlling women (or men), it’s just the the Church sees sex and marriage as a pretty serious and holy thing (St. Paul called it a sign of Christ’s love for his Church), and it wants us to take it seriously too.

I sort of think that your questions about suffering and heaven actually go together. I think there are some explanations of suffering that make some sense, but ultimately, the best way of knowing that God loves people is not how much they suffer in this world. I heard one writer try to remind people that people sometime see us as God’s pets and think that like a pet owner, it’s God’s job to make us happy here. But the Bible doesn’t tell us that we are God’s pets, but his sons. That’s why Christian beliefs about Jesus and the Resurrection are so important. God didn’t show his love by making us a nice place for his human pets, but in a much harder way, by suffering and dying for us. So now, he wants us to do more than just his pets, he wants us to be his children, enter loving relationship with him, and enjoy eternal happiness with Him. I think this is the best place to look for God’s love for people.

So, now you wonder about whether we should believe in an afterlife or not. I agree that the trite phrases people use can seem inadequate when someone dies, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t something real behind them. If there is something real behind them then, it must be right that we should take comfort in it. I don’t see how we could help finding heaven comforting if its real, and it would be right to. It wouldn’t just mean that there was hope for those who died, but that there would be hope that the suffering of this world wouldn’t be the final answer, but that heaven would.

The question is why should we think heaven is real? I think it goes back again to Jesus. If he really rose from the dead himself, then this is good reason to think that we can too (and St. Paul says as much himself). I have read some books about this and I think there is actually good reason for thinking that he did rise. One of the best I’ve read is NT Wright’s book, Surprised by Hope. It’s actually written because he says that people have gotten lazy in their conception of heaven (fluffy white clouds, etc.), and he wants to explain it better. So it’s really mostly a book about what people should think about heaven, but he had a couple chapters at the beginning where he also talks about what it makes sense to think that Jesus rose from the dead.

I wish I could have the faith of a child, but I fear that my adult eyes have seen too much for me to ever go back to those simplistic beliefs.

I think that we should also try to have the faith of a child in the sense of our hearts, but that doesn’t mean our beliefs should be simplistic. As we get older, we should work on improving our beliefs. CS Lewis said, “God wants a child’s heart, but a grown-ups head.”

It’s like when I was in school in, say 6th grade or so and we learns about water molecules. I thought a water molecule actually looked like a red ball connected to two yellow ones by wooden sticks. As I grew up, I learned that water molecules didn’t really look like that, but I didn’t stop believing in water molecules. I just had to learn better grown up versions of what they actually are. Same with this, you can’t go back to thinking like a child in the sense of intellectual quality of the beliefs, but you can try to learn more adult explanations of those beliefs.

(ok, I actually still tend to picture water molecules like I did in 6th grade, but you get the idea).

 

[QuestioningAll]

Hi there,

I have been going through what you describe in the past couple of years. I started wondering if the Catholic/Christian faith is all just a whole lot of hocus-pocus and we’ve all been sold a lie to keep us under control/hopeful of life after death. I got really worried about it so I started asking Catholics I know (including priests) why they were Catholic. The most popular reply to my question was a shrug with an “I don’t know. I just am.” That was not good enough for me.

So what did I do about it?

I started with logic. I worked out logically what I could to be true. An example: life begins at conception. I figured that as soon as there is new DNA (new being different from both the mother and the father) then there is obviously new life. Whether that happens precisely at conception or very soon after is irrelevant IMO.

After writing everything down that I *knew *for sure, I read books to work out the more difficult issues. Example: the authenticity of the Bible, the historical figure of Jesus, the creation of the world. The two main books I read to solve those three issues were “The Case for Creation” and “The Case for Christ” both by Lee Strobel.

I joined CAF here at the time (as you can see by my name it was a hard time for me).

The fact that you are asking questions is great! I still struggle with some things, but mostly I am, once again, a happy Catholic, assured that it isn’t just one big fiction story. Remember ‘seek and you shall find’ and ‘do not be afraid’ and my personal favourite as one busy mum to another ‘Come to me you who are overburdened and I will give you rest.’

 

[Castello]

First is prayer.

Do you pray?

One cannot expect to have a relationship with someone when they never talk to them.

Give the prayer of the Church a try - www.divineoffice.org

When was the last time you went to confession? I would suggest you call your parish and set up a time for a private face to face confession and ask about Spiritual Direction.

Are you a reader?

Two books I would suggest to you are

Theology and Sanity by Frank Sheed

Answering the New Atheism by Scott Hahn

 

[sweetpetunia]

Hi Mary Helene

Another mom here, and I can relate to some of things you are feeling…Sometimes I question the existence of God and the afterlife, too. As a matter of fact, I am going to speak with a priest this upcoming weekend hoping to find some resolution to my questions

I agree that some people do use belief to shelter themselves from the fear of the unknown (death, afterlife, etc), but I think it is just as important to realize that some people also use disbelief (various forms of non-theism) to shelter themselves from fear of the unknown (death, afterlife, etc), too. G.K. Chesterton, a brilliant and very deep thinker who converted to Catholicism, penned the following line: “Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.” Christianity challenges the selfish, and the self-indulgent. It wants to make us grow, so of course there are growing pains. It’s hard, and it hurts. We fall so short of the mark-- sometimes, lots of times, maybe even most of the time (me). Catholicism is not for whimps. Paul compares it to a fight, or a race (2 Timothy 4:7).

Non-theism, by contrast, is easy. If we can deny a supreme being who demands reckoning for our choices, we don’t have to cope with the reality of our own failures, and we can do whatever we want, and just enjoy our lives, since the only consequences will be natural ones. And even if we don’t believe in hell, purgatory, etc., the unknown is still scary, and it can be easy to convince ourselves that there isn’t anything rather than deal with the possibility that there may be something that we just don’t know very much about. I guess what I am saying is, belief could be a coping mechanism for the existence of nothing, but non-belief could also be a coping mechanism for the existence of something that we don’t want to accept, so really, it is not a good litmus test for the existence of God. Or that’s what I think about that particular issue, anyways! The rest I am still trying to piece together

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Hi Mary Helene!

I wish I knew exactly what to say to you.
All I can think of is ask God to help you see more. Ask Him for more Faith, for the Holy Spirit to light your way. Talk with Him. Tell Him what you told us.

Matthew 7: 9-11
7 'Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened to you.
8 Everyone who asks receives; everyone who searches finds; everyone who knocks will have the door opened.
9 Is there anyone among you who would hand his son a stone when he asked for bread?
10 Or would hand him a snake when he asked for a fish?
11 If you, then, evil as you are, know how to give your children what is good, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

Welcome to the forums!!! We are happy to have you here and if I can help in any way please let me know.

 

[bearkatjen]

I guess my main problem is that, while I have almost always been an “active” Catholic, I am beginning to feel like God is just something people made up to make them feel less afraid of death. I recently had a young family member die suddenly. The cliches people used to console the survivors seemed so trite and silly. “She’s in a better place,” “It was God’s will,” “She’s with Jesus,” “She’s in paradise,” “May the angels greet her at the gates of Heaven…” Etc. It just seemed like the entire thing was made up so that we’re less afraid to die and so we don’t have to accept that our loved ones truly cease to exist once they die. Additionally, I have a hard time believing things that just don’t make sense. I have been told that God loves me since I was very young, and yet, I make my own way in the world and good and bad things happen just like they do for everyone. There is unimaginable suffering and disparity of resources in our world, and it’s nice that everyone is told that God loves them, but I just don’t see it. I think people make choices and have certain privileges and are subject to the luck of the draw. As much as I WANT there to be a Heaven, and a God, it is just hard for me to buy into it.

I wish I could have the faith of a child, but I fear that my adult eyes have seen too much for me to ever go back to those simplistic beliefs.

Having faith as an adult is hard. As children, it’s so easy to believe in God or in anything else for that matter. A baby has full faith that food will come, and that faith evolves to faith in their parent providing for them. Children are raised on faith, but as they grow they become more independent and self-reliant. Their higher reasoning skills develop, and they learn how to apply logic and reasoning to their problems. Suddenly we’re adults and we see all the all the problems in the world, and the concept of free-will doesn’t quite cover all the problems of the world and we begin to have unanswered questions. For many adults, myself included, having faith at this age has meant consciously choosing to have faith.

I struggled with whether or not I truly believed in God, and one day I decided I wanted to believe in God. Wanting to believe, hoping to believe - this is a first step. From there you pray and you practice the faith, and allow your desire to believe grow into belief, and from belief to true faith in God.

As far as the catechism goes, I have to be honest and say that I feel my family is complete. That’s not to say that I would not or could not love another child - but I really do not ever wish to be pregnant again. I have hard pregnancies and having the children we already have has been hard on my body, my sanity, and my marriage. I really don’t want any more children (at this time, at least.) I do, however, wish to have a loving intimate relationship with my husband. It is hard for me to accept the Church’s teaching on artificial birth control. We do not use it at this time, and never have, but both of us would like to. My husband feels that we have “paid our dues” with regard to bearing children. I don’t want to go to Hell, on the chance that there is such a place! My husband says that he doesn’t really believe people go to Hell for using artificial birth control, and that the Catholic Church just wants to control women’s bodies and behavior by keeping them perpetually pregnant. He says that it’s unreasonable to expect modern families not to use birth control when they have already had children and are really “maxed out” emotionally and physically from doing so.

Take care!

Further down this page there is a thread entitled “How ‘open to life’ do we really have to be”. Yeah, I am so on the same page as far as feeling as if I’m done wanting more children (and I only have one). I’ve been thinking and praying about whether my husband and I should continue to use condoms or start practicing NFP. I’m not worried about going to Hell for using condoms. Honestly, I think few people are destined for Hell. I do however, have a problem with making a vow and then not upholding it. My husband and I had our marriage convalidated last Fall, and I’ve come to realize that we made a promise to be “open to life”. I will be taking 1st Communion and going through Confirmation this Spring, and making commitments to the church. I’ll be attending Reconciliation. I’m making promises to live my life a certain way (or to the best of my ability), and so I feel compelled to follow through, not so much because I fear punishment, but I feel God expects me to earnestly try to stick to my word, and if I don’t, I’m letting myself down.

 

[One_Church]

I was a cradle Catholic who strayed away from the Church as I got older. Not because of disagreements…just didn’t understand the importance of my faith. As my kids got a little older I realized the importance of raising them to believe in God…but my faith was weaker than what I wanted theirs to be. One Sunday night after my 3 and 5 year old kids went to Sunday school they hit me with a barrage if questions about God. Simple “kid” questions like what does God look like, where is heaven, were Adam and Eve real, etc. I answered their questions using the 30+ years of Catholic teachings I knew. They were fascinated…their minds were going 90MPH trying to process what I was saying…but the whole time I was answering their questions with what I learned my whole life in the back of my mind I thought “I don’t believe this is true but I hope they can have better faith than I have”.

After they were done a drifted off to sleep I walked out of their room and saw my wife heading toward me down the hall. I explained what happened and how I answered their questions but didn’t feel I was telling them the truth…only what the Church taught me all these years. I told my wife that I felt like I was deceiving them and that I made the decision that unless I believed it myself I wasn’t going to “lie” to them anymore. My wife was a little shocked and concerned but remained remarkably supportive of my personal revelation (even though she didn’t share the same view.

Well…the very next day while walking through Sam’s Club I came across some Protestant Prophecy 101 books about End Times. I asked my wife I she minded if I bought one as part of my journey to believe. I got about 10 pages into the book and realized how foolish I was with my statement the night before. I devoured the book…even though I read the same things I have read many years before it took on different meanings. It was as if a light went off in my head.

Long story short…a Protestant book brought me back to Christianity (like a lightning bolt)…but I had some deep disagreements with some of the Protestant statements. God put an old friend of mine back in my life who was there to bridge the gap back to the Catholic Church. It was truly an amazing journey and I couldn’t do it justice in a forum post…but now I am a very devout Catholic who is re-learning all of the things I heard all of my life but never understood.

If you would like to talk to me more about this send me a private message. I’d love to see if I can help bridge the gap for you…because I think you are in the exact same place I was in a couple of years ago.