Him or my Family

[monicatholic]

to ask for my parents forgiveness and get their blessing for us to see each other,

i didn’t advise asking for a blessing. i advised a 6 month moratorium on communications so you can get your self together.

i also advised he ask your parents forgiveness. instead he asks your guidance in the matter.

you both need to start thinking for yourselves.

 

[destroyingangel]

I am not sure I understand. You love Bob, and Bob loves you and wants to marry you. You are of age, although a little immature. Why don’t you marry him? I married a man my parents totally did not approve of and they were very upset about it. He was also a military man, 12 years older than I was. We married and I made it clear that my husband was someone to be respected, even though I was very young like you are.
We have had a happy marriage for 23 years. Why don’t you just marry this dude?

Idk I’m really insecure about standing up to them I guess. I’m so used to always sneaking around(not just with Bob, its always been this way in general), and yet they always catch me anyway.
But you’re right and thats really cool that your marriage worked out despite what your family said.

 

[Carjack1]

Idk I’m really insecure about standing up to them I guess. I’m so used to always sneaking around(not just with Bob, its always been this way in general), and yet they always catch me anyway.
But you’re right and thats really cool that your marriage worked out despite what your family said.

I think that you need to remove yourself from your parents. It sounds like to me like you don’t know how to communicate with them if you are always having to sneak around. You need to stand up for yourself to them(respectfully) even if you know it is going to cause a confrontation(which from the sound of the situation, you are trying to avoid). If you believe in Bob and yourself that much, it shouldn’t be a problem. Also, I think you need to find yourself. You are too wrapped up in what my mom or what Bob thinks. Bob could be the best thing since sliced bread, but if you don’t know yourself, then he can’t know you to love you. Get a fulltime job, go to school part time, and get a room/apt. It will give you independence and dignity by acheiving that much. I was 18 years old once and I was in a relationship with a man 11 years my senior. My parents didn’t like him. They were right.(At least Bob works, the boyfriend at the time didn’t know what the word work meant) I was in a 5 year relationship that was abusive mentally and physically. I WISHED I LISTENED. Take a moment for yourself.(My parents were controlling and overprotective). Find yourself

 

[monicatholic]

it’s a wonderful thing to know that people stay married for life. but RWMorris might recognize given the early circumstances, her succes is an exception-- a fluke, even.

angel, you wrote:

I’m so used to always sneaking around

you really sound too imature to discern this relationship is a lifelong one. and Thoma’s advice

you need to excercise your right to chose who you want to be with (even if it may be a mistake).

is amongst the worst i ever heard. it’s flippant, though your situation demands discernment and prayer.

God gives us graces of discernment to follow His will. and even if it may be a mistake will be a mistake that might cost you peace and happiness for the rest of your life.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

The questions to ask yourself:
-Has Bob led me closer to Heaven or led me to sin in the past?
-When I am with Bob, does he encourage me to lead a holy life?
-When it comes to my relationship with Bob, what am I tempted to do - honor my parents or lie to them? practice chastity, or repeat sexual sins? Etc. etc…
-Do I truly know what it takes to lead a holy life, or do I still need to mature?

My guess based on what you’ve said, is that the answer to the last question may be that you need to mature more. Bob may in fact be the right man for you, but you are both very young. There is no need to hurry here. And your relationship got off to a bad start, with the lying and sneaking around, as well as the inappropriate intimacy (and I don’t just mean having sex, I also mean the other ways that you forged an inappropriately close bond too soon).

Also, you have some major unresolved issues with your parents. I wouldn’t advise jumping heavily into the most important relationship of your life until you’ve worked on the issues with your parents. Whether that means you actually solve your problems with them, or simply understand yourself better, I think you need to focus on these issues so that you don’t unwittingly make either the same mistakes or the exact opposite mistakes in the future (which is what usually happens when we fail to deal with our family faults). While many adults are not able to resolve all of their problems with their parents, the fact that you are only 18 tells me that you probably should spend some time dealing with this before you get too committed to a future husband.

My advice would be to take some time off from Bob. Focus on getting closer to God and working on your family problems. When you’re in a better place, it will be easier to look more objectively at Bob and discern whether or not he is the man who will help you get to heaven (which is what a husband is for) and who will help you raise children with the same goal.

 

[puzzleannie]

I never said he used me or moved on anything like that. We still talk every day and he hasn’t been with another girl since we started going out. He sends me money whenever I need it and he’s trying to come home as soon as possible. I"m sorry but you’re adding things to the story that aren’t true.
The reason they kicked me out was because i yelled at my brother. At that time they didn’t know that I had sex with him. I also begged them not to make me leave, I guess they didn’t understand that I was honestly making an attempt to be better and had slipped.
I’ve gone to confession already and so has Bob.

as I said, there is more to this story,
this is a great first step, but pitting Bob against your parents is not going to help you in the long run. work on healing that relationship, and that with your brother, esp. as long as you remain in tehir home.

 

[Ruthie]

I, too, am concerned about your family relationships. Keep in mind that I’m rooting for you and Bob - and your family.

What concerns me is that you say you are still sneaking around, to avoid confrontation with your parents. I want you to see that this *will *carry over into your marriage. Because it’s a well-established habit, unless you change it, you will eventually be sneaking around to avoid confrontation with Bob, too, and that does **not **make for a healthy marriage. When he finds out, you will have lost his trust.

You need to learn the art of mature confrontation - how to discuss instead of yell, how to hold your own, how to change that strong habit of avoiding things by “sneaking around.” It won’t happen overnight - I know from experience.

Why not talk to your priest about finding a counselor to help you with this issue? The right counselor helped me to help my mother see me as a grown-up - and I was in my thirties! Don’t wait that long!

Ruthie
P.S. PM me if you like.

 

[thomfra]

God gives us graces of discernment to follow His will. and even if it may be a mistake will be a mistake that might cost you peace and happiness for the rest of your life.

The point, monicatholic, is that she is old enough to make her own decisions. Yes, of naturally, these decisions should be informed and discerning. However being human, it may well be that the decision she finally makes (be with Bob/don’t be with Bob) is wrong. But it will be her decision.

**You **may find at a later date, despite praying and deliberating at length, that some of the decisions you have made in life, in good faith, have been bad decisions. **But they will be yours. **

I would hope that you are not labouring under the misapprehension that everything you do is right, and will be right with the benefit of hindsight.

 

[narayan]

:yup: Hello,
The meaning of Him or my Family is nothing but the :bounce: One who had get married . The person has married should be understanding with his wife. :coffeeread: Patience is must should for both of them. :whacky: If any more informations about it, could u reply me. :bowdown2:

Thanks & Regards

:banghead: Nani :tsktsk:

 

[destroyingangel]

hey where are you from?

 

[Tinajo]

The questions to ask yourself:
-Has Bob led me closer to Heaven or led me to sin in the past?
-When I am with Bob, does he encourage me to lead a holy life?
-When it comes to my relationship with Bob, what am I tempted to do - honor my parents or lie to them? practice chastity, or repeat sexual sins? Etc. etc…
-Do I truly know what it takes to lead a holy life, or do I still need to mature?

This sounds like perfect advice to me. Since it sounds like you and Bob have agreed that what you did in the past was wrong, you’ve confessed and are still interested in a relationship, it seems to be that there’s a distinct possibility you’d be suited to marry each other.

That said, it’s a huge decision, so there’s no rush, and both of you learning more about marriage (by reading books or talking to a priest or whatever) and talking about it would definitely be worthwhile.

Ruthie:

What concerns me is that you say you are still sneaking around, to avoid confrontation with your parents. I want you to see that this will carry over into your marriage. Because it’s a well-established habit, unless you change it, you will eventually be sneaking around to avoid confrontation with Bob, too, and that does not make for a healthy marriage. When he finds out, you will have lost his trust.

This rings huge bells for me - in the 6 months I’ve been married I’ve already spotted ways in which my relationship with my parents has affected how I deal with things in marriage - thankfully my husband is wonderful at encouraging me to step back and look again, and is helping me no end, but I wish I’d known and could have started working on it beforehand.

Best of luck in improving your relationship with your parents, and with Bob.

 

[destroyingangel]

Thankyou. I really hope things work out. My mom says i’m not ready to get married, and my dad says that if I go off and marry Bob, I can never come home and he never wants to see me again.

So yeah I guess I"m gonna try not to rush too much.