His children don't want us to marry

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Ophelia23 said:
I know this is hard to hear, but you are causing the problem by living there. The family is not ready for you. The father may feel he is ready for you, but he has an obligation to aid his children in their grief before settling into his new companionship. Under no circumstances should you be living in the house with them. Not yet. Not until you are married, which will happen when the FAMILY is ready as a whole. Please, know that I say this to you with charity and love. Move out. That doesn’t mean you need to end your relationship. End the cohabitation. Give these children an opportunity to work through their emotions with their dad.
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Spot on. I agree 100% that you need to get out of the family home and cool your heels for a while. I would add that I find it hard to swallow that the priest suggested you adopt the children. At that age, they have a choice. It seems like they are still mourning their mom, and probably not even close to ready for you to be their legal mother.

I don’t have grandchildren, but I have a sister. If she died and I helped my brother-in-law raise his kids, and after a while he moved a girlfriend into the home and tried to quickly re-establish her as the “new mom” you bet I’d fight him on that.
 
Ophelia23 said:
I know this is hard to hear, but you are causing the problem by living there. The family is not ready for you. The father may feel he is ready for you, but he has an obligation to aid his children in their grief before settling into his new companionship. Under no circumstances should you be living in the house with them. Not yet. Not until you are married, which will happen when the FAMILY is ready as a whole. Please, know that I say this to you with charity and love. Move out. That doesn’t mean you need to end your relationship. End the cohabitation. Give these children an opportunity to work through their emotions with their dad.
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I would agree with this.

Others have mentioned giving the family time to grieve. Well yes. But grieving is about more than feeling sad over a loss. Grieving is about finding a *healthy *“new normal”.

When a parent dies what often happens is that the children who are the same sex as the deceased parent take on some of the roles of deceased parent. (I don’t mean the child takes on a sexual role.) For instance, a daughter becomes “the homemaker” or the son becomes “the protector”. And the surviving spouse defers to the child’s “authority” in that area.) It makes sense for an adult relative to help with those roles but when a child does it can create big problems if the surviving spouse ever wants to remarry.

It doesn’t seem like this family has found it’s healthy new normal.
 
Lacyluvs,
First of all… God bless you for seeking to do what is best for the children.

Secondly, I also pray you consider what Ophelia, Jackiemom, 1ke Mike and chantal had to say there.

I think you mentioned that you have been talking with a priest. What did he have to say about the cohabitation? Was he first and foremost concerned for the eternal destination of you and your fiancée’s souls? Did he address that fornication is a grave sin? Did he address the scandal that it can cause others to see the continued cohabitation while they see somebody professing to want to be Catholic?

These are just some additional questions that I hope a faithful priest who truly cares about your soul will help you sort through.

May God bless you and help you be obedient and faithful to Him. If you do then He promises you that His Will for your future with your fiancée will be done.
Bryan
LOVE SO AMAZING
 
I agree with everybody who says to 1) move out 2) slow down 3) let the widower learn to be a dad to his kids.

This is potentially a terrible situation if you get married. Step-families are famously difficult. Please either move on with your life or be willing to take the time to do this right.
 
Have these children had grief counseling? The older one sounds horribly angry and is rather young to be able to handle anger well/ appropriately.
 
“Dear one with all charity I suggest that you would benefit from learning more about children and child development and I don’t mean that to insult you in any way I mean it with all Christian love. This behavior is normal and you can expect much more of it.”

Agreed. And 11-year-old girls can be very nasty, even to their very own mothers. It’s a very hormonal, moody, unsettled time.

One thing I’m not really hearing from the OP is why she wants to marry this particular man. He doesn’t sound like an amazing catch. At least as the OP describes him, he’s passive and hands-off as a father.
 
I have suggested and offered to move out several times. We’ve been together over 2 years now. He’s afraid the one daughter will feel abandoned (the younger one who has cancer and has really taken me in). He says he is going you speak with our priest when he’s more “prepared” with what to say. He told me he’s afraid of what the priest may say. Maybe he’s afraid of the same advice. I’m glad to hear the same things I have been thinking, said here. Thank you ask so much. I come here often, but never have posted. I appreciate your wisdom and time
 
Years ago, I was the kid who’s dad wanted to remarry. So, let me add some perspective.

These kids are young and they just lost their mom. They don’t process grief, like adults. Honestly, it wasn’t until I was an adult that I could look back and figure out why I was angry and sad because I spent a lot of time just being confused about what was going on. On one level, the older one is hormonal and acting weird because of it. However, she and the other kids are also going through a very traumatic life experience and they need to figure out how to deal with their “new normal.”

In my situation, one minute, we are burying mom. Then next, some new lady and her kid is moving in. Then, there was a wedding and I was supposed to be all happy about it.

I did try to get along with my “steps” but it was just obvious that I was in a “put up or shut up” situation. It would have probably worked better had my stepsister not insisted on telling me and my dad that she hated us and our family most of the time that she lived with us. And, everyone hated that I wouldn’t shower or use deodorant, but I just wasn’t going to do much that this lady was trying to tell me to do because she “wasn’t my mom” and I didn’t want to listen to her. Especially if her kid was going to complain about me and my dad all day, every day. It was just a bad situation for everyone.

(Did I mention that step-mom had mental health issues and didn’t like taking her meds and the step-sister loved manipulating these situations? Yeah, that was not a fun time - at all).

I was also in therapy for awhile. I guess it helped, but not really. I still couldn’t really figure out some of my issues w/the situation until I was older.

The divorce that came a few years later really wasn’t a shocker. Nobody got along and everyone was miserable.

I can see why the priest would talk about adopting the kids, but I think that is a long way off. If it ever happens.

The family really has some things to work out before they add another person to their ranks.

Looking back, I am really astonished by my behavior and somewhat admire my step-mom for really trying to make a go of the marriage, given all the challenges it faced.

However, I’d advise any woman in your situation to step back and really think about the implications of marrying into the family.

If it didn’t work out between the two of you, then going through a divorce would just be devastating on the kids - especially considering that their mother has already died and the kids are girls.

Teenage girls always want their mom, regardless of how much they hate her a few hours ago. I am totally envious of mothers and daughters who have great relationships because mine died so young. I was 7 and I still mourn that loss (in different ways these days - 30 years later. There are just so many “my mom wasn’t there for that” moments.

If you are going to be their ‘step-mom’, then you need to understand that there’s always going to be a fine line between “not being my ‘real’ mom” and “I’m so glad you’re here.” And, you can’t just say that it’s ‘hormones’. They see themselves as defenders of their mom’s memory - even if they never talk about her. It’s really a hard transition when everyone’s alive, but when mom’s dead - it’s even harder because they want “their” mom and ‘a’ mom at the same time. And, I’m kind of unsure how to explain the difference, but the influence on a grown-up woman is very profound in a young girl’s life, regardless if it’s bio-mom or not. I loved my step-mom more than I ever let on, but I really didn’t like the speed at which my dad and her started dating, moved in and married. It was just too fast and everyone was miserable most of the time. Had they dated longer and waited to get married, then yeah, maybe I would have been more open to the situation. It was just bad timing and trying to force things that really weren’t in the cards.

I hope that you got something out of my rambling. My basic goal is to share and hope that something good can come from my bad experience.

I know other people have had great step-parent relationships. That just wasn’t mine.
 
For the purpose of this post, I haven’t gone into details of his personality, but he is really a wonderful man and a good father. There are many good reasons why I want to marry him. Our priest has certainly addressed his concerns for us moving in together. We know it’s a bad example, but we moved in together because of financial reasons and separating will be equally difficult, but I know God will bless us for doing what is right.

It’s not that I expect it to just go away. I am tired. I’m emotionally spent. Things seem to be worked out and perfect and then something small happens and it’s as if all the progress made wasn’t made at all. I was in counseling over a year. We tried family counseling twice, it didn’t help. She wouldn’t talk and he didn’t follow through.

Someone said that the mother and her family were the ones who took the reins before and that’s exactly it. He still hasn’t adjusted to being the only parent. And I’m just suck in the middle. I just try to love all of them and watch them all hurt…and I hurt too in the process…which is why I came here.
 
LucyLuvs said:
It’s not that I expect it to just go away. I am tired. I’m emotionally spent. Things seem to be worked out and perfect and then something small happens and it’s as if all the progress made wasn’t made at all. I was in counseling over a year. We tried family counseling twice, it didn’t help. She wouldn’t talk and he didn’t follow through.
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Did the family counseling include you? Because honestly, it shouldn’t. There is a relationship between daughter and father that needs to heal first – once the counselor feels that their relationship has gotten to that “new normal,” then you could be added in. But from a kid’s perspective, family counseling including you would be putting the cart before the horse, because the whole problem (from the kid’s point of view) is that you aren’t family and she is grieving the loss of the way her family used to be…

I, too, was once a kid whose father started dating and remarried quickly after my mother’s death. It turned my world upside down. My father’s wife is a pleasant enough person, and he is very happy, but it all occurred way too fast for me and as a result my relationship with my father was very distant for a long time.
 
LucyLuvs said:
For the purpose of this post, I haven’t gone into details of his personality, but he is really a wonderful man and a good father. There are many good reasons why I want to marry him. Our priest has certainly addressed his concerns for us moving in together. We know it’s a bad example, but we moved in together because of financial reasons and separating will be equally difficult, but I know God will bless us for doing what is right.

It’s not that I expect it to just go away. I am tired. I’m emotionally spent. Things seem to be worked out and perfect and then something small happens and it’s as if all the progress made wasn’t made at all. I was in counseling over a year. We tried family counseling twice, it didn’t help. She wouldn’t talk and he didn’t follow through.

Someone said that the mother and her family were the ones who took the reins before and that’s exactly it. He still hasn’t adjusted to being the only parent. And I’m just suck in the middle. I just try to love all of them and watch them all hurt…and I hurt too in the process…which is why I came here.
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I agree with others that you should move out, give time for those girls to heal … Otherwise, there is no other solution for you.

God Blesses.
 
I saw the same counselor, but it did not include me. I choose to see her for different reasons. This is very helpful that so many people have experienced the same thing. How does he try to bridge that gap with his daughter? I mean, obviously, listening to her saying it’s too soon and getting me somewhat out of the picture. Taking to her? Spending time with her? I don’t have children myself, so I don’t know. Will a child ever say when it’s long enough? I don’t mean this to sound bad, but I’m in my mid 30’s and I want to get married. And I’m nervous because at first she wanted me here, now she doesn’t, and she never says it to me, and never tells me she has a problem with me. This brings up a whole new set of questions…what if it’s 5 years and she’s still not ready? I want to have children on my own too.
 
LucyLuvs said:
I want to have children on my own too.
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I admittedly don’t have stepchildren, so maybe I am wrong - but wouldn’t this be a red flag? If you marry this man, the children ARE yours. Until you see his kids as yours too, there are always going to be issues.
 
“This brings up a whole new set of questions…what if it’s 5 years and she’s still not ready? I want to have children on my own too.”

That may be the price that you pay to love this particular man and his girls. Are you willing to pay it?

Looking at this from a different perspective, what if you marry right away, and 5 years later, your step-daughter still hates both you and her dad? And what if the constant tension and strife cost you your marriage? And then imagine bringing an innocent little baby into that dysfunctional situation and having to raise him as a single mom, with him split between two homes with stepsisters who didn’t want him.

Move out and discern the relationship.
 
He needs to become a father, and you need to find someone else to make you a mother. Bringing new children into this would be another disaster for these kids.

My parents got divorced, but my mother disappeared for a long time. I hated my father’s dating. I just wanted him to focus on me and my brother while we needed it. As his kids, I think we had the right to expect that. How long would it have taken? I don’t know. As Dr. Phil says, “Until.”
 
LucyLuvs said:
I saw the same counselor, but it did not include me. I choose to see her for different reasons. This is very helpful that so many people have experienced the same thing. How does he try to bridge that gap with his daughter? I mean, obviously, listening to her saying it’s too soon and getting me somewhat out of the picture. Taking to her? Spending time with her? I don’t have children myself, so I don’t know. Will a child ever say when it’s long enough? I don’t mean this to sound bad, but I’m in my mid 30’s and I want to get married. And I’m nervous because at first she wanted me here, now she doesn’t, and she never says it to me, and never tells me she has a problem with me. This brings up a whole new set of questions…what if it’s 5 years and she’s still not ready? I want to have children on my own too.
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Not getting to marry on your timetable and possibly never having a “family of your own” is the price you might have to pay for dating a man with minor children. Here is what I can tell you:
A) You will never trump the existing kids. Never. They will win every time until they are adults. If they do not support a marriage, it will not happen. Not as long as they are under his roof.
B) If for some reason your boyfriend allows you to trump the existing kids, or places your desires ahead of theirs, he’s not the kind of man you want to marry.
 
Xantippe said:
"Looking at this from a different perspective, what if you marry right away, and 5 years later, your step-daughter still hates both you and her dad? And what if the constant tension and strife cost you your marriage? And then imagine bringing an innocent little baby into that dysfunctional situation and having to raise him as a single mom, with him split between two homes with stepsisters who didn’t want him.

Move out and discern the relationship.
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I guess I worded my statement carelessly. I love the girls as if they were mine. If God doesn’t bless me with a biological child, loving them is enough for me. I love them all enough to not be the reason their relationship is destroyed. You’re absolutely right.
 
I think you said exactly what you meant the first time and are backing off it now because of how people reacted. You have got to move out and get some distance. You are financially and sexually entangled and that’s making you incapable of discerning this relationship objectively. That’s why cohabitation is a bad idea.

Move out, back off, leave this family alone for a few months. I expect it will solve itself if you just do that.
 
If I was concerned about being judged on this site, I wouldn’t have been open about my cohabiting status. That takes courage to talk about when you know that everyone is going to say that that is the reason my life is a mess, and that pretty much has been the response and I’m not disagreeing. My point is, I’m not backtracking because I’m worried about what people on here say.

As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the children is a cancer patient. Last year at this time we were told she had 6-9 months. I’m so very close to this child and it crushed me. To say that I have a distorted view and don’t really love both of these children is sad, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be reaching out for help.

Anyway, thank you all for your stories and (name removed by moderator)ut. It gives me comfort to know that we are not the only ones who have gone through this. I know it sounds silly, but there’s more broken homes by divorce than death around us and its comforting to hear other points of view. I’ve shared this thread with my fiance and we are meeting with our priest in the next few days as well.
 
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