His children don't want us to marry

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“To say that I have a distorted view and don’t really love both of these children is sad, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be reaching out for help.”

Of course you love them, which is why you need to give them both space and love.

By the way, any good priest would tell you to move out before a Catholic wedding anyway, in order to ensure a valid marriage. Cohabitation and your lack of financial independence might be grounds for annulment in the future because it would suggest that your choice was not freely made.

Another important goal for your fiance to work on would be to work toward having his daughters live with him on a permanent basis. 2-3 nights a week isn’t really full custody. If that’s the status quo, I can imagine that the grandparents might actually have a case for getting custody from him. I’m not sure how this works legally, but as they say, possession is 9/10 of the law, and the in-laws have possession.
 
Consider how it looks to the girls if you have their father 7 nights a week and they get him 2 or 3.
 
LucyLuvs said:
? I don’t mean this to sound bad, but I’m in my mid 30’s and I want to get married. And I’m nervous because at first she wanted me here, now she doesn’t, and she never says it to me, and never tells me she has a problem with me. This brings up a whole new set of questions…what if it’s 5 years and she’s still not ready? I want to have children on my own too.
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I apologise in advance if this sounds flippant and inconsiderate, but I feel like I should bring it up.

Are you sure this is what you need?

I understand you love him, that you want a family and that you have tried so hard to make things work. But the situation is a mess because it involves grieving children and a father who is not dealing with it well. It seems to me he is using you like a buffer zone of a sort, a bridge between himself and the children. Of course he needs you there. But is this what **you **need? Is he thinking about you?

If I were you I would definitely move out, not just for the sake of the kids and morality, but for your own sake. In that way you could get enough of healthy distance between yourself and the situation, pray about it and discern what you should do. Don’t let him manipulate you into accepting the status quo because it is easier for him. This could be a great opportunity for you to see your relationship for what it is and seriously think things through before you tie the knot.

God bless.
 
LucyLuvs said:
If I was concerned about being judged on this site, I wouldn’t have been open about my cohabiting status. That takes courage to talk about when you know that everyone is going to say that that is the reason my life is a mess, and that pretty much has been the response and I’m not disagreeing. My point is, I’m not backtracking because I’m worried about what people on here say.

**As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the children is a cancer patient. Last year at this time we were told she had 6-9 months. I’m so very close to this child and it crushed me. **To say that I have a distorted view and don’t really love both of these children is sad, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be reaching out for help.

Anyway, thank you all for your stories and (name removed by moderator)ut. It gives me comfort to know that we are not the only ones who have gone through this. I know it sounds silly, but there’s more broken homes by divorce than death around us and its comforting to hear other points of view. I’ve shared this thread with my fiance and we are meeting with our priest in the next few days as well.
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That says volumes! You keep praying and hoping and everything will work out as God wills it should. I’m sure we all here will do the same without passing judgement lest we be judged ourselves. 😉

If you are going to stay and take care of the child then sleep in separate rooms. Abstain from sexual activity too, OK? 👍

Much Peace! 🙂

Mike
 
LucyLuvs, this is a hard spot for you and you’ll be in my prayers.

Clearly, the oldest daughter is crying out for her fathers attention. Let’s condiser it from her prespective:

a) she recently lost her mum
b) she is likely to soon lose her sister
c) she already spends several (most?) days a week apart from her dad
d) even when she’s with dad, her dad’s attention is divided…and unfortunately this is where you are part of the problem (sorry if that sounds harsh, I don’t mean it to be).
c) if you and he marry, it’s only likely to get worse (espescially if you have your own children).

I completely agree with all the advice so far that you have to move out. Not just because it’s morally right, but to give this girl and her father space. Perhaps you should consider spending a lot less time with them for a while. So when the daughters are there, keep some distance and let them be a family. When the daughters are away at the grandparent’s place, you and the dad can spend time together. That’s not much to ask - you’d still get him to yourself most nights.

I think the dad and the eldest daughter need as much time together as possible. Dad needs to step up and take the reigns. A daughter that age needs a strong father who can support her through this but also be a leader and teacher, and prepare her for life. She is still so young and needs boundaries, rules, discipline. Most importantly, she needs a sense of security that she doesn’t currently have. As hard as it is, the father is the only person who can provide this for this young girl. If you look at what she’s said, she’s crying out for it.

I know you mean well LucyLuvs, and my heart goes out to you, but right now dad needs to step up and be the father that his girls need him to be. And you need to step back and let this be about the three of them. In my opinion, that is the only way, and with time, that this family can heal sufficiently that they can handle you being added to it.
 
LucyLuvs said:
I have suggested and offered to move out several times. We’ve been together over 2 years now. He’s afraid the one daughter will feel abandoned (the younger one who has cancer and has really taken me in). He says he is going you speak with our priest when he’s more “prepared” with what to say. He told me he’s afraid of what the priest may say. Maybe he’s afraid of the same advice. I’m glad to hear the same things I have been thinking, said here. Thank you ask so much. I come here often, but never have posted. I appreciate your wisdom and time
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you can live as roommate. Anyway, you can get your own room?

I am so sorry for this little girl, of course she needs you, i pray for her, i pray for you!
 
LucyLuvs said:
If I was concerned about being judged on this site, I wouldn’t have been open about my cohabiting status. That takes courage to talk about when you know that everyone is going to say that that is the reason my life is a mess, and that pretty much has been the response and I’m not disagreeing. My point is, I’m not backtracking because I’m worried about what people on here say.

As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the children is a cancer patient. Last year at this time we were told she had 6-9 months. I’m so very close to this child and it crushed me. To say that I have a distorted view and don’t really love both of these children is sad, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be reaching out for help.

Anyway, thank you all for your stories and (name removed by moderator)ut. It gives me comfort to know that we are not the only ones who have gone through this. I know it sounds silly, but there’s more broken homes by divorce than death around us and its comforting to hear other points of view. I’ve shared this thread with my fiance and we are meeting with our priest in the next few days as well.
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You are a wonderful person and clearly you have such a beautiful heart. The children will warm up, if i was to die, i would feel relieved to have a great women to care for my daughter. I also love my step children like my own.

If this is God’s will, he will find a way, i truly would live as roommate until everything is resolved. Talk to the father, that he needs to put his children first. He seems to be thinking of his need at this time and you are caught in the middle of it. I would pray Mother Mary and St-Joseph if i was you and also consider the Novena of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

I pray for you to be granted with the gift of discernment and all the graces that you need at this time. I pray also for the family.

I feel for you and all will be well, don’t give up hope. God loves every bit of you.

Blessings!
 
I was wondering if you could meet with the family of the mother. I would pray before and you could choose a common ground and answer all of their questions and concerned. I am sure that they love the children enough to want the best for them and the best for them is you in their life. Those children need a mother, and you seem to be willing to take this role. Don’t have expectation from this meeting, but you seem to have the strength to face the music. You will plant good seeds of trust, all will be well. ((((Pray before and even consider fasting))))

(((((Blessings to you)))))

p.s People has their own perception and judgement on things, when you talk about this with respect, the light comes and you can see God’s perspective. Misunderstanding remain, until they are brought into God’s light. You are strong and i can see this, i know you won’t try to be right and won’t take their accusation personally even though they may hurt. If you can hold on to that, only good will come. Miracle happen, nothing is impossible to God. Pray
 
Frankly, Chantal, if my son-in-law brought over the shack up honey he lives with full time while I am raising his kids after my daughter died, and my granddaughter is in the process of dying from cancer, to try and get me to accept her, they’d both leave my front step with red boot marks on their butts and some very choice words ringing in their ears.
 
LucyLuvs said:
I saw the same counselor, but it did not include me. I choose to see her for different reasons. This is very helpful that so many people have experienced the same thing. How does he try to bridge that gap with his daughter? I mean, obviously, listening to her saying it’s too soon and getting me somewhat out of the picture. Taking to her? Spending time with her? I don’t have children myself, so I don’t know. Will a child ever say when it’s long enough? I don’t mean this to sound bad, but I’m in my mid 30’s and I want to get married. And I’m nervous because at first she wanted me here, now she doesn’t, and she never says it to me, and never tells me she has a problem with me. This brings up a whole new set of questions…what if it’s 5 years and she’s still not ready? I want to have children on my own too.
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Please understand that I say this with all charity toward you: This is not about you. This is about two young children who are grieving the loss of their mother. All I’m reading is me me me. What about me? You should move out immediately because what you are doing is immoral and very disruptive to the lives of these two young girls.
 
Believe it or not, I actually have a fairly good relationship with the girls grandparents and their aunts and uncles. Every other week, we have Sunday dinner at their Great Grand Fathers house and spend the day with the entire family. They’ve told my fiance that they feel like my heart is in the right place. They have even told me that none of the have a problem with me and they all actually have grown to love me over time, but it has not been easy and they still deeply grieve their loss. All of them say that the youngest daughter (the one with cancer) is so very attached to me and its obvious that I have taken on a mother like role. She’s missing part of her brain because of her tumor and she wouldn’t understand if I just left but was still a part of their lives, etc. she actually really doesn’t have a problem with us getting married. Once she understood that her daddy could her married after he was already married to her mom, she was all for it, but she will go along with what her sister says to make her happy. If I left, it would devastate this little angel. And there lies the problem…breaking ones heart to allow the other one to grieve…but she also has a history of trying to control and manipulate outsole and situations to her advantage and it may also be because her younger sister gets a lot of attention BC she’s sick. This situation is incredibly complicated.
 
You need to STOP posting pejorative things about the older daughter. You just SO do. It turns my stomach.
 
It all sounds incredibly complicated indeed. Please know that we are all praying for you and, most importantly, for these children.
 
I’m so sorry that you have been hurt by your father Slacker. The intention of my post was not to hurt you or anyone. Someone else in an earlier post mentioned that is typical behavior of an 11 year old, if I’m not mistaken. It was when I was anyway. I appreciate your story and your point of view. And I take your testimony to heart. I don’t want what happened to you to happen to the girls. I’m sorry if that has been misinterpreted.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and much needed prayers.

And as for you, Slacker, you have my prayers for peace and healing.
 
LucyLuvs said:
If I left, it would devastate this little angel. And there lies the problem…breaking ones heart to allow the other one to grieve…but she also has a history of trying to control and manipulate outsole and situations to her advantage and it may also be because her younger sister gets a lot of attention BC she’s sick. This situation is incredibly complicated.
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You are rationalising here.

It’s time to move out. Stop blaming an 11 year old girl, who’s lost her mother and will lose her sister, for what is a terribly difficult situation. Don’t make her feel like she’s losing her father too.
 
LucyLuvs said:
How does he try to bridge that gap with his daughter? I mean, obviously, listening to her saying it’s too soon and getting me somewhat out of the picture. Taking to her? Spending time with her?
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Forgive me for the tone of this post, especially to the kind souls who have been generous and encouraging. I’ve been to this site many times because I have found solace in it. I came to it this time in a moment of desperation, reaching out to a group that I have embraced during a cry for help…a moment of weakness…at my lowest point. I didn’t come here to be told what my sins are. I know what they are, just as you know what yours are. I knew when I moved in with my fiancé that it was a sin and it still know its a sin. I don’t need 20 strangers to repeat the same advice, although I appreciate it all the same. We are working on that advice of moving out. I’m an intelligent person and I’m not being used. I get the moving out advice…I’ve already said this, in case anyone has missed it. It would be really helpful to get answers to the harder questions, especially from those who have been there, who wished things would have gone a different way.

Instead of the"shacking up girlfriend," “few choice words,” and “boot print on the backside,” comments…I guess I just expected to be treated with more love and not so much like my protestant background I thought I was leaving behind. But, I guess people are just people.

If nothing else productive can be said, I’d rather this thread be closed. I’ve gotten some positive things from it.
 
Dear LucyLuvs,

I’m sorry that you feel judged by 20 people telling you that you’re sinning and you should move out. But I want to stress the point that I think it is the best thing you can do regardless of the moral issue. If we put aside whether or not it is sin, I think it’s your best chance for a good future with your fiance and his girls. Help them get their relationships right first. This needs time and in my opinion needs space for them to be a family. For now, that’s without you under the same roof. If you don’t back off for some time, I fear the 11yr old daughter will never accept you.

But if you don’t think this advise is helpful and are looking more for support than opinion, I will certainly offer that by way of prayer for you and the family. God bless.
 
I didn’t say it wasn’t helpful. I said its been said over and fad. Once I’ve moved out…then what? That’s the question. No one can get past that. Moving out seems to be the only answer anyone has other than, “it will work itself out” after that. He doesn’t know how to relate to his daughters and I’m asking for him. I don’t care so much about the judging part, if I did, as I said before, I wouldn’t have been so open about the cohabitation to begin with. Its just frustrating that so many comments have something irrelevant and even mean to say in a community that should be loving. I came for support, not to be thrown down a flight of stairs. I’m already down. But maybe everyone hasn’t read all the posts like I have.
 
OK, fair question. Once you move out, then what?

There’s no easy answer. But the most important thing is for the dad to spend time with his daughters. I know finances can be hard, but the fact that they’re away from him so many nights a week right now is not great. I’d look at that for starters. But let’s assume there’s no easy solution to that issue. What about when they are there with him? Well, like I said, I think you should stay away to a degree and let the three of them be a family together. Just spending that time together is the most important thing.

Also, I think the dad needs to take on more of the parenting role. The daughter’s comments about the grandparents being like the parents now is her way of saying this. She wants a dad who will be, well, a dad. Be a strong father. Take control. Set limits and boundaries. A child of 11 needs discipline in her life. The discipline of our parents helps us feel secure, in a safe space. He is probably very afraid to do this, because he won’t want to be the bad guy and like others said, the daughter is no doubt playing dad and grandparents off each other. This is because she wants dad’s attention. If she gets it, and gets a dad who will be a rock for her, she’ll begin to heal. And that is good for you.

There are probably other practical ways to help. Dad probably needs some help in taking on a stronger fatherly role. Perhaps some counselling could help, whether professional counselling or with a trusted priest, or both. There are courses and books about such things. So your role may be largely to help your fiance. Less directly in terms of contact with the girls, but more in support. He’ll need to vent and seek advise, and you can give that if you’re a little less directly involved.

And like I said earlier, backing off to give them space would still leave you plenty of time to be together, date, etc. Most nights of the week you’d still have him to yourself. I just think on the nights the girls are there, they need him to themselves. At least for now.

Anyway, that’s just my opinion. It is truly offered from the heart.
 
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