His children don't want us to marry

[LucyLuvs]

We moved a year ago. I’m not livid. Its impossible to give every detail. And how else should I react? Everyone including the kids make it sound like every second i’m there is just destroying them more. Really. I’m not trying to get sympathy…i’m trying to help. I don’t know what else to do!

 

[Rence]

We moved a year ago. I’m not livid. Its impossible to give every detail. And how else should I react? Everyone including the kids make it sound like every second i’m there is just destroying them more. Really. I’m not trying to get sympathy…i’m trying to help. I don’t know what else to do!

Neither one of you is a practicing Catholic, so the cohabitation doesn’t surprise me nor bother me one bit. So you’re not going to read any judging from me about that. Cohabitating couples is as common as fescue in my yard. However: My advice would be to find another place to stay for a finite amount of time and give him a chance to move his family out of your home. I wouldn’t stay with this guy with all the dynamics you have explained. The whole family, as described by you, is a huge discombobulated dysfunctional mess. He needs time to get his act together and get his relationship with his daughters straightened out.

If the younger daughter is stable and no longer needs you to be her caregiver, then this is a good opportunity for you to exit. You can’t stay in that mess. Nor, can you wait for it to fix itself. I’d move out of you home for say 30 days, so he can move his family out, then move back in (alone) and let him fix this mess he’s in out on his own with his girls in their own home.

It would be different if he was a father to these girls full time, but he’s not. He’s struggling to even maintain being a part time parent to them as it is. The grandparents are raising these girls instead of being a part of the team. They all need to get together and work it out, and you being there is just a distraction. And mind you, the living arrangements of the girls may never change regardless of you moving out, staying there, or getting married or breaking up, or whatever.

The only other Catholic option would be to move out of the home, and marry, and then move back in. I can’t imagine marrying this guy with all this mess going on. It’s not like it’s going to go away. It might be that the permanant status that marriage gives you might enable the both of you to straighten it out together (it’s different when you’re his wife), but it’s going to take a lot of work and consistency. Frankly, after the older daughter agreed to the arrangement and then decided she was against it, causing you to leave, I wouldn’t come back. But that’s just me. She’s going through a lot right now which is understandible, but she’s playing the adults around her and will continue to do so. Once you get married in the Church, there’s no going back. So be committed to being miserable with this family or move on.

 

[JackieMom]

This story is getting a bit fishy. I mean, I know it’s Friday and all…

 

[mayxanh]

We moved a year ago. I’m not livid. Its impossible to give every detail. And how else should I react? Everyone including the kids make it sound like every second i’m there is just destroying them more. Really. I’m not trying to get sympathy…i’m trying to help. I don’t know what else to do!

People here gave you good advices but you don’t want to listen. Only the faith in God will open a way for you. And you do so through your patience and prayers. But it seems to me that you are lack of faith. What else can we do for you?

You can go ahead and try a non-Catholic forum to see if they can offer you a better help and support!

 

[mayxanh]

Now, at the time I was not following the faith and I never considered cohabiting to be an issue. I would not recommend that now.

As for me, I lost my faith for a while and made a big mess around me during that time. That’s why I come to realize now how important faith is to me and** I cannot do anything properly in my life without God’s grace**!

 

[jmcrae]

I didn’t say it wasn’t helpful. I said its been said over and fad. Once I’ve moved out…then what? That’s the question. No one can get past that. Moving out seems to be the only answer anyone has other than, “it will work itself out” after that.

Then, there is no one sleeping in their mother’s bed, and using their mother’s closet and drawers.

When we lose a loved one, the hardest thing is cleaning their room and storing their stuff. Many people just turn their loved one’s room into a shrine and never touch it. To have a stranger come and “own” the dead person’s bed and furnishings like the dead person never even existed would be really, really hard.

He doesn’t know how to relate to his daughters and I’m asking for him.

When he has to, he will figure it out. It will start by him speaking directly to them, instead of saying to you, "Dear, would you please tell the girls to … " or “Oh, it’s so annoying when the girls do that. Could you speak to them about it, please.” He has to become his own bad guy - he can’t make other people do that.

 

[Xantippe]

“You can go ahead and try a non-Catholic forum to see if they can offer you a better help and support!”

My feeling is that the advice on this question would be very consistent. Elsewhere, they might be laxer on premarital sex, but I think they would be equally negative about the pitfalls of being a live-in fiancee to a recently widowed father of tween daughters. The conventional advice on this situation is to move very, very, very slowly. A lot of more prudent fathers would hesitate to introduce a girlfriend to kids at the 3-month mark, let alone move in together.

By the way, it is very important whose house it is, at least to the girls. It makes a difference whether they are living in their old home, living in your home, or living in a home that is equally everybody’s.

 

[Xantippe]

I suggest trying one of the online secular advice sites. Dearwendy.com comes to mind. There’s also Dear Prudence, but I don’t think she deals with such long, complex cases. Dear Wendy would probably be the best one.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

It would be really helpful to get answers to the harder questions, especially from those who have been there, who wished things would have gone a different way.

.

Is it realistic to expect this? I mean, when we share our stories, it is only one part of it and people here work with what they got when they offer advice. Your situation is indeed complicated. You have been treated with respect and I don’t see any name calling you mention. I wonder if you would benefit from a third party getting involved in order to help the family situation. Strangers on the internet can only offer advice and prayers but that’s about it. Noone can give you the answers you desire.

 

[Xantippe]

Speaking of stories, one of my aunties went through a somewhat similar situation. Since I was a kid at the time, I didn’t hear all of the gory details, but here’s roughly what happened.

My auntie became involved with a man who had two children from a non-marital relationship. The mom didn’t really want them and didn’t have much of a role in their lives. My auntie married the single father when the kids were about 5 and 2 and adopted them (she was slightly younger than the OP at the time). My aunt and uncle had two more kids together. They had a beautiful family and were very financially successful–we all envied them. Fast forward 15+ years. The adopted kids are in college and there’s a lot of conflict between them and my auntie over grades, money, dating, etc. My auntie wants to take a much tougher line than my uncle and there’s conflict between the two of them over how to deal with the two oldest kids. It turns out that my uncle is having an affair with a younger woman. He eventually leaves my aunt for the other woman and has a kid with her. My aunt had to start her whole life over at 50 and it took her about 10 years before her husband’s betrayal wasn’t her #1 topic of discussion.

There are obvious differences between the two stories, but like the OP, my aunt and her husband also got together very quickly, no doubt under the pressure of circumstances (his need for somebody to help with his kids while he was out of town, etc.). He was on the road a lot, so she was inevitably the primary parent to all of the kids and got to be “the bad guy”.

 

[Ophelia23]

I am so sorry that you feel people are judging you. Please know that my advice has not come from judgement or any place of malice. With all morality about cohabitation completely set aside, my advice remains the same: You must not live with the family at this time. I understand you are saying that you sold your house to move in with them, that you have no place to go, this, that, and the other thing. But through all of the reasons and all of the excuses, please see the reality: You made a mistake by moving in. And while the obstacles are great, it is a correctable mistake! Your fear of what happens next, what happens after you move out, is a legitimate one. But it is not yours to resolve. You can help, but you can not fix the family. The father NEEDS to avail himself to his girls; whether he is good at it or not is irrelevant. You can chose to take my (and others on this site) advice, or you can leave it. I urge you with every fiber of my being for your sake, for these childrens’ sake, to please, please, please take it rather than leave it. You want what is best for the girls, and I believe that. I also believe that any paid professional would also give you this same advice. Even if it is a temporary arrangement–a month to month lease on a studio apartment, a room rental, whatever–it will be better than remaining where you are.

 

[whitele13]

Hi lucyluvs,
I can see that you’ve already gotten quite a few responses, but I just thought I’d give you some advice, seeing as how I am a step-child myself. I do not mean to be rude, or in any way offensive so please don’t feel like I’m attacking you at all. I really think you need to reconsider your living situation. My step-father (before him and my mom got married) used to spend the night at our house and they would sleep together. From my own personal experience this is EXTREMELY detrimental to the psychological make-up of a growing young woman. I would know. It isn’t healthy for people to live together before they are married and it is wrong for you to show those young impressionable girls that example even if you aren’t sleeping in the same room. I think perhaps you aren’t considering how the girls feel. If their mother has just passed away they must be feeling extremely angry and alone. For their father to basically say “I’m moving in this woman that you don’t want to move in here regardless of how you feel” is just WRONG. And as a woman you should find that kind of behavior offensive. Because if a man can treat his daughters like that I wonder how he could possibly treat you in the future. I’m honestly not preaching. If he had no children I would be totally uncomfortable telling you that living with someone before you are married is wrong but there are children involved here and you guys are setting not only a terrible example but you are coming in between a fathers relationship with his daughter. My advice - move out, take it SLOWWW, actually BUILD a relationship with those girls and don’t be selfish for their fathers attention. For you to come into their home nine months after their mother died is just wrong. I’m so sorry to sound mean. If I could say this to your face you would see that I say it with love. I honestly hope that god blesses all of your relationships!

 

[aloe]

He responded that it wasn’t as easy as her just changing her mind like that and said that it wasn’t all about her, and those words damaged their relationship beyond repair. From that moment on, she has felt he has chosen me over her and her sister.

He has.

Since his family is so far away, he feels these are their family.

That is their family.

He tears everyone, including the girls with kid gloves.

They are his kids!

She’s wants to have a say in who her marries and she doesn’t want it to be me.

That poor girl. I think a family therapist would be beneficial, specializing in grief.