hitting out of anger

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Whitacre_Girl

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So, I may be totally overreacting to this…but I’m feeling rather shaken, and I don’t know what to do about this.

Basically, my husband and I are great together. I have no doubt about our marriage. I came from a physically abusive household where I was beaten by my mom and dad. I married a man I trusted would never do this, and is kind of a big deal for me. Well, today we were playing a board game with some friends. I wasn’t understanding directions, and did something wrong, he started correcting me in extreme detail (something he’s known for doing) so I was teasing him a little about being kind of anal. Well, he got really mad and slapped me really hard on the leg. He’s never done that before, and while it was hard enough to hurt (but not badly) it shook me very badly. He apologized and said he felt really bad about it, and I told him I forgave him, but I still feel really shaken about this, and kind of scared. I never thought he’d hit me out of anger, and now that he has I’m very stand offish with him, and I feel really distanced, scared, and like I can’t trust him. I was making dinner and crying in the kitchen because this REALLY emotionally hurt…

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Is this normal? Do guys just do this all the time, where they hit when they are mad but not enough to hurt badly in any critical areas? Am I just overreacting? PLEASE HELP…
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
So, I may be totally overreacting to this…but I’m feeling rather shaken, and I don’t know what to do about this.

Basically, my husband and I are great together. I have no doubt about our marriage. I came from a physically abusive household where I was beaten by my mom and dad. I married a man I trusted would never do this, and is kind of a big deal for me. Well, today we were playing a board game with some friends. I wasn’t understanding directions, and did something wrong, he started correcting me in extreme detail (something he’s known for doing) so I was teasing him a little about being kind of anal. Well, he got really mad and slapped me really hard on the leg. He’s never done that before, and while it was hard enough to hurt (but not badly) it shook me very badly. He apologized and said he felt really bad about it, and I told him I forgave him, but I still feel really shaken about this, and kind of scared. I never thought he’d hit me out of anger, and now that he has I’m very stand offish with him, and I feel really distanced, scared, and like I can’t trust him. I was making dinner and crying in the kitchen because this REALLY emotionally hurt…

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Is this normal? Do guys just do this all the time, where they hit when they are mad but not enough to hurt badly in any critical areas? Am I just overreacting? PLEASE HELP…
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This is the first time he has done this sort of thing? Has he been verbally violent to you in the past?

I’m a woman, but I have done this kind of thing to a few close people during arguments. Maybe it happened 5 times or so during my life? I would get so frustrated and angry that I lost it and slapped a person’s forearm. 🤷

I’m not a dangerous person, and there’s no chance that I would ever become violent beyond slapping someone’s forearm.

Your husband needs to understand how he made you feel in the context of your history. Tell him and see how he behaves.
 
I can totally see why you feel like you do. In that situation, while the slap on the leg was inappropriate and not at all nice, I would not necessarily say that it is indicative of abuse.’

I would think what you should do is talk to your husband about your feelings. See if you can have a good exchange. Don’t beat it into the ground, but it will be good to know if you have a relationship where it is safe to tell each other when they are doing something that you don’t like.

Definitely though, don’t sweep this all under the rug. It would probably be a good idea to see a therapist, to get a better understanding of all of the past baggage that just resurfaced. I think it will be good to deal with that and not gloss over it, but also to get a good context for understanding what is going on between you and your husband.

Brush up on the red flags for abusive relationships. Abuse isn’t really all about isolated incidents. It’s about a systematic way of isolating a victim, destroying their self worth, and making them doubt themselves in every way. It’s good to know the big picture, so when things like this happen, you have a better idea of how they fit into the overall pattern.

I do think that even someone without a past history with domestic violence would be upset about being slapped. However, such things are really more hurtful to someone who has been in that terrible place, being abused, and who can be brought right back when similar things happen.
 
*I would make it clear that you do not and will not accept that type of thing going forward–ever again. It seems like your husband is sad about it. He shouldn’t have done that, period. Hopefully, he realizes that it hurt you, emotionally…and that because of your family history, he should be extra careful to be mindful of your feelings. I agree with dulcissima on her advice, as well.

I’m sorry that happened…😦 *
 
As an aside, addressing the title of your thread here…no one has the ‘right’ to hit you, ‘out of anger.’ People have to find diffferent channels to expressing anger…hitting is NEVER EVER acceptable. EVER. Slapping, pushing, shoving, outright abuse…never acceptable. I have a feeling that your husband feels remorseful, but make sure he is very clear that you won’t tolerate that. You don’t need to candy coat this, no one has the right to slap you, including your husband. I’m sorry that you experienced abuse as a kid. :hug1:
 
I agree that you need to talk with your husband. Given how you grew up your reaction is more than understandable. He needs to know that it wasn’t appropriate to do something like that and it has shaken you up pretty badly. Don’t ignore your feelings, ignoring them only makes them worse.
 
I had a boyfriend in college who thought it was a good way to “control” me was to grab my arm and yell at me. At the time, I thought it was something I did or the way I was, so I deserved it. It took me a long time to get over the pain he caused. I agree with the other posters, you need to talk to your husband and let hm know that it is not okay to treat you that way. :hug1:
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
So, I may be totally overreacting to this…but I’m feeling rather shaken, and I don’t know what to do about this.

Basically, my husband and I are great together. I have no doubt about our marriage. I came from a physically abusive household where I was beaten by my mom and dad. I married a man I trusted would never do this, and is kind of a big deal for me. Well, today we were playing a board game with some friends. I wasn’t understanding directions, and did something wrong, he started correcting me in extreme detail (something he’s known for doing) so I was teasing him a little about being kind of anal. Well, he got really mad and slapped me really hard on the leg. He’s never done that before, and while it was hard enough to hurt (but not badly) it shook me very badly. He apologized and said he felt really bad about it, and I told him I forgave him, but I still feel really shaken about this, and kind of scared. I never thought he’d hit me out of anger, and now that he has I’m very stand offish with him, and I feel really distanced, scared, and like I can’t trust him. I was making dinner and crying in the kitchen because this REALLY emotionally hurt…

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Is this normal? Do guys just do this all the time, where they hit when they are mad but not enough to hurt badly in any critical areas? Am I just overreacting? PLEASE HELP…
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ONe thing that would b egood to know is how long you’ve been married, and/or known each other exclusively. I say this because whether this was an “accident” or a potential pattern can depend on such history.
Does hour husband know that you come from an abusive household?

I hate to say this, but it is shown that many times a person from an abusive childhood will marry an abusive, or at least very controlling, person.

Now - Just my 2c from a guy point of view.
My Wife has two sisters. They were raised in a house with a dominating Father. Not “Abusive” but rather loud and “adamant” about things. Each of these girls married a “Controller” the first time and each wound up divorced.
My Dear Wife came from a physically abusive first marriage and even though she was single for 25 years before we married, was still sensitive to “Love taps” and the like. She warned me before hand and I have tried very hard not to make her uncomfortable in any way.

You say that you have been stand-offish with him.
What has been his reaction to this?
Has he said anything more than he is sorry?
I know if it was me, (and I’ve been there once or twice myself) I would be mortified and contrite for sometime.

As others have said, Forgive him and Love him, but make sure he know that he crossed a very dangerous line.

I know that my post may not be what you are looking for, but I hope it might help some.

Peace
James
 
Thanks for your responses. As for the questions:

we have been married for a little over 2 years now.

No, he has never been verbally abusive before, and he has never hit me before.

He does know about my past, and has been really trying to help me with it.

When I talked to him about it, he said he was really sorry,a nd hated talking about it because of how terrible it made him feel. However, he is very angry with me about still being upset by it, and isn’t speaking to me.
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
Thanks for your responses. As for the questions:

we have been married for a little over 2 years now.

No, he has never been verbally abusive before, and he has never hit me before.

He does know about my past, and has been really trying to help me with it.

When I talked to him about it, he said he was really sorry,a nd hated talking about it because of how terrible it made him feel. However, he is very angry with me about still being upset by it, and isn’t speaking to me.
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That is not a good sign. So, if you don’t ‘get over it’, what will he do? He was the one out of line and he has no right to tell you how to react to it…
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
Thanks for your responses. As for the questions:

we have been married for a little over 2 years now.

No, he has never been verbally abusive before, and he has never hit me before.

He does know about my past, and has been really trying to help me with it.

When I talked to him about it, he said he was really sorry,a nd hated talking about it because of how terrible it made him feel. However, he is very angry with me about still being upset by it, and isn’t speaking to me.
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Well, I am not sure what you mean by “really angry with (you)” though the fact that he isn’t talking to you is a fair indicator.

I would say that at this point you have done all you can, and he has doen all he can. You’ve clarified how horrible this is for you and he is contrite and has apologized. If it was a fluke you don’t want to “beat him up” over it. Forgive him, Love him and move on.
If it should happen again though, …😦

Peace
James
 
Hitting out of anger is not acceptable. Hitting someone over a board game is way off base - it shouldn’t be enough to raise one’s voice even.

This said, you need to look at the “how” and decide whether it was more like a real hit or more like the kind of slap some people use in expressing disapproval (a “hands off” or “hey! what are you doing!” kind of slap; imagine a quarrel between siblings). Neither is right, but the latter is not the same kind as the former.
 
*He’s angry with you over it? The only thing I can think of is he said he was sorry, meant it, and feels you are dragging it out, but it sounds like it was hard enough to startle any of us, and to me, that’s just not acceptable. Hopefully, this was a fluke, and he’ll never do it again. We learn as kids to ‘keep our hands to ourselves,’ it’s important to not channel our anger in such a way. I have heard of love taps so to speak, it didn’t seem that way. I hope you both reconcile soon, praying for you both. *
 
Well, turns out he was taking a abreak or something. W estayed up most of the night talking about it. He is sorry, and he was stressed about a lot of stuff, and he wasn’t talking to me about it. He does feel soory, so I told him I forgive him and we can move on. It’s just still a little hard for me.
 
If you read the book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, you will gain enough insight to be able to tell if your husband falls into this category or not.
 
I don’t like saying this, but if it happened one time, it might happen again.

And over something as insignificant as a board game?! And he knew about your past?

Demand that he gets anger management.

I’m sorry to sound harsh, but this any kind of physical violence is never, ever, acceptable.
 
If I were you, I would have packed a bag yesterday and gone to stay with a family member or friend. I would not come back under the same roof until he completes an anger management course and agrees to counseling with the Priest.
 
You have a severe problem Whitacre_Girl. He got angry, out of all proportion to the situation, and hit you because he felt justified by that anger to do so. Then, when you called him on it, he immediately apologized, but when you didn’t immediately get over it completely, he got angry again and gave you the silent treatment. That is manipulation of the first order. Then, when you got him to explain further, he blamed being stressed about lots of stuff, again justifying his physical mistreatment of you. He is not really sorry. He thinks his anger and stress excuse what he did, and because you can’t put on a happy face 30 seconds after he apologized, he feels justified in giving you more of his anger and in shutting you out. The silent treatment is a manifestation of HOSTILITY. Some guys will try to tell you that they are just taking a break, trying to cool off, not make it worse, etc. But even with my loving, wonderful husband, when he gives me the silent treatment, and we talk about it later, he was not really taking a break. He was angry and couldn’t stand dealing with me right then, and he was very actively showing it through the silent treatment. And when I do that to him, I too am being hostile. Thankfully it’s blessedly rare in our marriage.

Whitacre_Girl, some abusers take years to show their true colors. They have to be sure that they have their woman lulled into security, where she will discount his initial abusive behaviors as “out of character” or “isolated incidents.” By the time he escalates for real, you may very well be in a situation where you can’t get out, or it will be terribly difficult. Where you have burned bridges with family and friends thanks to him.

BTW, how did your friends react when he hit you? I am very curious, because I know my DH and I would have been like, “Whoa, dude, what the hell is wrong with you? Get out of our house and leave her here!”

You need to figure out what you are going to do. I think any chance of this marriage staying intact MUST be predicated on him going to anger management. You might want to consider some counseling for yourself, to deal with your past fully and to prepare yourself for what might happen in your future. Build up resources that can help you now, incase you need an escape strategy later.

If I were you, I’d be at my Dad’s house with my kids and telling my husband that maybe someday I will give him a chance to win me back. I mean, a board game… it’s just SO out of proportion… the flag here is so red it’s bleeding.

Whatever you do… DON’T GET PREGNANT. DO NOT bring a child into this marriage. If and when you trust that he will not be an abuser, then have kids, but that may be a long, long haul. Or never.
 
Whitacre_Girl said:
he started correcting me in extreme detail (something he’s known for doing)
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I was just re-reading and this popped out at me. Unfortunately, this is another sign that he may be abusive. Abusers have a superiority complex that masks their deep insecurity. The way they prop it up is to tear down other people in order to make themselves feel or look better, smarter, etc. If he is known for correcting other people in extreme detail, this is a habit of his… then he’s not really correcting anyone. He’s beating them down with how stupid they are in order to support his own (severely damaged) ego and make sure everyone around knows how stupid the person is. The irony is that most people see that and just go, jeez, what a jerk. They see the person doing the correcting for what he is and feel sorry for the correctee. But the person who acts that way thinks they are demonstrating their superiority for everyone to see.
 
Whiteacre Girl,

I really, really would suggest that you keep in mind that none of here are experts. It is very difficult to judge isolated instances of behavior.

It is really hard to know if this is an isolated incident of inappropriate anger or a piece in a bigger pattern of behavior. Getting yourself some counseling will give you a much better idea of how to deal with this.

There is danger in overlooking abuse and there is danger in straining your relationship making too big a deal out of a minor slip up when your husband was embarrassed and on the spot.

I would be surprised if 2 years into a marriage there is the first hint of an abusive pattern. That would usually have presented warning signs much earlier in the relationship. Although, since you grew up with abuse, you might be more conditioned to accept certain behaviors that others do not.

Have you been to counseling at all in the past? Because of what you grew up with, it would be a good idea, even if everything always seemed wonderful with your husband.
 
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