Holding grudges?!

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Izzy1

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Is it ever okay or acceptable to hold major grudges against one person and even wish for him to be dead at times…or as catholics do we ALWAYS have to forgive and forget…I totally abide with the forgive and forget principle but not this time…there is a certain somebody whom I hate soo much that I wish he was dead …he has hurt my family and me a great deal …what is the limit of the forgive and forget thingy?
 
Izzy1 said:
Is it ever okay or acceptable to hold major grudges against one person and even wish for him to be dead at times…
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No, wishing someone dead is not acceptable.
Izzy1 said:
or as catholics do we ALWAYS have to forgive and forget
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There’s no requirement to "forgive and forget. We are told to forgive. We are not told to “forget,” or to let someone continue to hurt us. Many times we have to start by asking God to help us be able to forgive – baby steps.
If you hate this person that much, it’s doing far more damage to you than to them. They don’t care, but the hatred is eating you up. Don’t allow this person to have that much power over you. You’re helping them continue to do you harm.
Izzy1 said:
what is the limit of the forgive and forget thingy?
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Again, there’s no “forget” required.
Limit? Jesus asked forgiveness for the men who murdered him. There is no limit.
 
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Jesus was asked this question. Read Matthew 18: 21 and following. Note His teaching that we must forgive everyone who harms us, and must forgive them multiple times if they keep doing it. This teaching is, of course, prominent in the Our Father. God can’t forgive us if we refuse to forgive others. Unconditional forgiveness is the hallmark of a Christian.
That doesn’t mean that you need to be a doormat and suffer abuse when you can remove yourself from the situation. It also doesn’t mean that you are obliged to “forget”–that’s often impossible. It does mean that you must pray to God to help you forgive this person and to pray for this person.
 
You can forgive them and forget them by not having anything to do with them. When you hate someone though, you allow that person to influence how you think, feel and act every day. You allow them to affect you negatively every time you interact or think of them. Give up the hate. Ask God to fill your heart with compassion and forgiveness. You don’t have to understand it, you just have to want the freedom it will bring you.
 
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Holding such hatred in your heart consumes you and closes off God’s grace. Jesus likened anger to murder. In part because of what it does to the person harboring it.

Forgiveness for the perpetrator frees your heart from the anger that festers. It is the path towards healing for the individual who was wronged.

That does not mean you must interact with this person.
 
Ask God to help you with forgiveness. It is really anger and that is hurting you, not the person. We are called to love our enemies and to wish the best for others, all others…even those who do us harm. As people have said you aren’t required to ‘forget’ as such. You are not required to put yourself in that position again and allow someone to hurt you or those under your care again. You should forgive someone though, for your own salvation. Saying that, you cannot do this by yourself. You need God’s grace, so pray for it, ask him to help you, even if you start off by asking God to give you the grace to want to forgive someone and to stop you hating him/her. Ask for a contrite heart and mediate on the passion which will help move you in that direction as you start to think of all Jesus forgave people…and think personally of all he has forgiven you. And if for no other reason than that, your love of him, ask for these things. God bless you.
 
We get measured with our own measure.

What we deal out to others is what we get dealt ourselves.

It’s okay to be angry and to be hurt, but grudges poison the person who holds the grudge more than than they hurt the person who committed the original offense.
 
You need to work towards forgiveness, as in letting go of your anger and hate.

I understand this can be, for some people, a process requiring baby steps rather than a big overwhelming flood of permanent forgiveness. It took me literally years to get past my anger at some people. Two years ago, my Lent project was working on forgiving some of them, and at that point it had been years since I had contact with any of them. I have been a real grudgemeister in the past and it was hard to let that go. But I did, though I have flare ups from time to time that I need to confess.

And these are people who like I said I haven’t seen for years and in most cases will never see again (the one or two I do need to see occasionally, I don’t speak to because they have a grudge against me in return). I can just imagine how bad it is when the person is your relative or someone you need to deal with regularly.

What you DON’T need to do is invite the person back into your life, or have anything to do with them (assuming they aren’t a close relative you might have some responsibility for, like an aging parent), or act like they didn’t hurt you, or excuse their behavior. It’s fine to acknowledge that the person hurt you and that they behaved wrongly or badly. But you follow that up with forgiving them because Jesus wants us to do that.

It’s also okay to work on this, with God’s help, on your own timeline. You may need to work through feelings of upset and rage before you can truly forgive and let go. Some people will want to rush you because they are not comfortable with your anger. You don’t need to do it on these people’s clock. Do it on God’s clock, work with him.
 
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Izzy1 said:
Is it ever okay or acceptable to hold major grudges against one person and even wish for him to be dead at times…or as catholics do we ALWAYS have to forgive and forget
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Is this a trick question??? 😉 Let’s start with Our Lord’s Prayer. What does it say?

Our Father, Who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name; Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

A few Bible verses to ponder;
Matthew 6:14-15
14 For if you will forgive men their offences, your heavenly Father will forgive you also your offences.
15 But if you will not forgive men, neither will your Father forgive you your offences.

Matthew 18:21-22
21 Then came Peter unto him and said: Lord, how often shall my brother offend against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
22 Jesus saith to him: I say not to thee, till seven times; but till seventy times seven times.

Matthew 18:34-35
34 And his lord being angry, delivered him to the torturers until he paid all the debt.
35 So also shall my heavenly Father do to you, if you forgive not every one his brother from your hearts.

Ephesians 4:31-32
31 Let all bitterness, and anger, and indignation, and clamour, and blasphemy, be put away from you, with all malice.
32 And be ye kind one to another; merciful, forgiving one another, even as God hath forgiven you in Christ.
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Clearly from Christ Himself, it is never ever acceptable to hold any grudges against any person, let alone to wish for him to be dead!!!
 
There are people we can’t personally face to try and reconcile, for various prudent reasons.
In those cases it’s good to bring the person to mind in prayer. Think about that person with God’s eyes, and pray for that person. If you have persisting ill intent towards the person, ask God to give that person good things. In the act of asking, God will begin to change your heart.
This is similar to smiling when you feel down. The commitment to act may bring about the inner disposition when it is lacking.

If you don’t forgive, the evil is perpetuated.
Hard stuff…
I used to lie awake at night stewing about people who offended me at work. It’s not worth it. When you cling to grudges, you are in a self made prison.

And it also helps me to consider my own sins. That can put the failings of others in a more realistic light.
 
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like the others said, you need to ask God to help you get past this.

there are family members of mine who hold grudges, and it’s been years since the incidents, they are the ones who are miserable and they make others around them miserable. the people they have a grudge against? completely moved on with their lives.
 
Hi Izzy,
Izzy1 said:
Is it ever okay or acceptable to hold major grudges against one person and even wish for him to be dead at times
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Well, I can accept it. There is something to be said about “being ready to forgive”. I gather that you are not ready. Sometimes it helps to suffer the feeling of holding a grudge for a while, really feel the battering one’s wellbeing takes when we hang onto grudges.

When I’ve suffered enough, then I’m ready to forgive.
Izzy1 said:
or as catholics do we ALWAYS have to forgive and forget
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Jesus talks about having an “eternal life”, a life that begins here and now, a whole life, a good life, a fulfilling life where the yoke is easy. Hanging on to a grudge is a burden, it is slavery, so it is more of a cause-and-effect thing. If you want an eternal life, take the steps to forgive. Otherwise, well, feel the burden.

“forgetting” has already been addressed well on this thread.
Izzy1 said:
there is a certain somebody whom I hate soo much that I wish he was dead …
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We all get the opportunity to experience hatred at one time or another.
Izzy1 said:
what is the limit of the forgive and forget thingy
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If you are enslaved by hatred, you’re not living an eternal life.

Is the situation ongoing? Is it under control?
 
OneSheep said:
Is the situation ongoing? Is it under control?
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For starters, this.
Are you talking about an event in the past which is over now, or an ongoing abuse?

And yes, holding grudges actually harms you, too, because it takes some of your psychological energy and holds it in bondage to the past.

Now, for most people, the forgiving of big trespasses is a process, rather than a one time only event.

Assuming that you are currently in a place where you are safe and not being harmed, you can start by making the decision to forgive. And one of the ways you can do this is to pray for the person every day, by name.
 
Grudges are not good. Hate is not good. I do not understand what caused these feelings, but hate is never a good thing. Live and let live.
 
When someone has hurt you badly and you hold a grudge and wish he was dead…you are only hurting your relationship with God and your own spirit is damaged. It is not helping the person to repent.

You can start by praying to God for the grace to give up the grudge, and also pray for the person to have a change of heart. You don’t have to “feel” the forgiveness, but you can continue to will it for the love of God.
 
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Forgive us our tresspasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.

You can hold a grudge for as long as you want God to hold your sins against you.
 
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