Now, for most people, the forgiving of big trespasses is a process, rather than a one time only event.
Assuming that you are currently in a place where you are safe and not being harmed
I think this is what people need to keep in mind when rushing to tell others they shouldn’t hold grudges.
For many people, their grudge is actually that they were seriously hurt or betrayed in some way and they need to process those feelings and move beyond them.
Almost no one would go up to an abuse victim or a Holocaust survivor and tell them, “Hey you need to get over that right now and start forgiving, because hatin’ is bad, mmkay?” While most of our grudges don’t rise to that level, it can be almost as devastating to deal with an ex who suddenly just found someone else and walked out, or a business partner who left you in the lurch, or a betrayal by a close friend. Your whole life might be affected by these things. I know I have had a couple such devastating experiences and they were made worse because it seemed that almost no one cared about my feelings. It was like I simply did not exist or was just thrown away. When I said I was angry, some people would rush to tell me anger was toxic and I had to let it go right away.
Forgiveness is a process. It doesn’t happen overnight. When encouraging others to forgive, we need to remember that “hate” usually means “anger, sadness, upset and many negative feelings I don’t know how to put into words”, not literal hate. Rebuking people for having emotions just encourages people to hide their feelings and take their feelings out on themselves. That is why we have so much substance abuse, cutting, eating disorders and general low self-worth going around. Have the emotions, then make the choice to forgive and go forward.
