Holding Hands During the Our Father

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I have a situation that I need some advice on. At my parish almost everyone holds hands during the Our Father. I prefer not to and will typically keep my hands folded when I can. The problem is that I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old who see what everyone else is doing and they imitate them. So I grudgingly (though they don’t realize it) hold their hands. However, I would like to teach them that we shouldn’t hold hands during the Our Father but how do I do this without making everyone else look like they’re doing something wrong. I’m not sure if I’m being clear on this but I would like for my children to keep their hands clasped during the Our Father. How do I explain it to them?

Witness To Hope
 
Gently tell them that you don’t have to hold hands. Your prayers aren’t any less effective if you don’t do it. The hand-holding business is not even a rubric for the laity.

I don’t hold hands at all. I’ve been criticized by people in my parish, but, I tell them that it’s not a prayer about us, it’s directed towards the Father. It’s not a horizontal element, but a vertical one.

Tell them to fold their hands together and close their eyes. They are in the presence of God during the Mass. When they close their eyes, they can have a better sense of what that means because there are no distractions. They can also concentrate on telling God how much they love Him.

Sometimes, as children, when we keep our eyes open, they tend to wander all over the place. Keeping them closed keeps us in focus. I know that I have to do that a lot. So, when it comes time for the Our Father, I fold my hands, close my eyes and pray.

When my Dad is with the altar servers, he tells them not to hold hands when they are at the altar. He tells them that they need to set the example. He also tells them not to mimic the gestures of the priest because there are certain things that only the priest can do.

I hope that helps.
 
I have no problem with holding hands. I enjoy holding my wife and kids’ hands during the Our Father. When on choir duty we all hold hands. To me it is a sign of our unity before the Lord and we are connected horizontally in our prayer directed upwards.

Our pp has no problem with it and with children’s Masses invites the kids up on the alter with him and they hold hands! No I do not know about all the rubrics regarding this but let me tell you, in this country where the number of children and young people at Mass are rapidly dwindling - this works. I am sure it does much for our sense of community and belonging.

So until directed otherwise by our local ordinary I guess we will continue to hold hands during the Our Father.

Wishing you many blessings on your day further.
 
Eugene said:
I have no problem with holding hands. I enjoy holding my wife and kids’ hands during the Our Father. When on choir duty we all hold hands. To me it is a sign of our unity before the Lord and we are connected horizontally in our prayer directed upwards.

Our pp has no problem with it and with children’s Masses invites the kids up on the alter with him and they hold hands! No I do not know about all the rubrics regarding this but let me tell you, in this country where the number of children and young people at Mass are rapidly dwindling - this works. I am sure it does much for our sense of community and belonging.

So until directed otherwise by our local ordinary I guess we will continue to hold hands during the Our Father.

Wishing you many blessings on your day further.
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The big problem is that it overemphasizes the community as opposed to why we are really at Mass: we are there to for the Holy Sacrifice. It is not about us; it’s about God. When too much emphasis is placed on the horizontal, then, we make the community more important than God.

Bishop Peter Elliot makes a rather interesting observation in his book the Liturgical Question Box. I lent my book to a friend (who has not returned it yet). However, the gist of it is that this it not a liturgical gesture and it places undue emphasis on the community. When he has seen it from his vantage point (the altar) he says that it looks “silly”.

That being said, it is wrong to have children approach the altar in the manner you described. It violates liturgical norm and said practice was condemned by Cardinal Arinze. Just read the LifeTeen threads.
 
Which is exactly why I want the children to learn to clasp their hands. My goal is to teach them reverence for the Mass with the focus on worshipping God. The opportunity for community is through the parish ministries and the events at church and parish school.

Eugene, I understand what you’re saying but I think the way to get children to stay in the Church is to develop their relationship with God through worship and prayer. When they get a sense of the glory and wonder of God and yet know they can have a close, personal relationship with Him because of how much He loves them then they are less likely to stray.

Many blessings on you and your family as well!

Witness To Hope
 
benedictgal said:
Gently tell them that you don’t have to hold hands. Your prayers aren’t any less effective if you don’t do it. The hand-holding business is not even a rubric for the laity.

I don’t hold hands at all. I’ve been criticized by people in my parish, but, I tell them that it’s not a prayer about us, it’s directed towards the Father. It’s not a horizontal element, but a vertical one.

Tell them to fold their hands together and close their eyes. They are in the presence of God during the Mass. When they close their eyes, they can have a better sense of what that means because there are no distractions. They can also concentrate on telling God how much they love Him.

Sometimes, as children, when we keep our eyes open, they tend to wander all over the place. Keeping them closed keeps us in focus. I know that I have to do that a lot. So, when it comes time for the Our Father, I fold my hands, close my eyes and pray.

When my Dad is with the altar servers, he tells them not to hold hands when they are at the altar. He tells them that they need to set the example. He also tells them not to mimic the gestures of the priest because there are certain things that only the priest can do.

I hope that helps.
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Thank you for the advice, BenedictGal! I will have a talk with them about it this evening and again tomorrow morning. Actually tomorrow we’re probably going to the Latin N.O. Mass at another parish. I like to go there periodically because the church is more traditional in architecture and I like exposing them to the reverence of that particular Mass. At that parish they don’t hold hands so it won’t be an issue tomorrow.

By the way, I like that your dad teaches the altar servers not to hold hands! Good on him!

Witness To Hope
 
This topic is the “Ask the Apologist” question showing now. It has a couple of helpful links.

And Benedictgal is correct: inviting anyone up around the altar is absolutely wrong, forbidden.
 
WitnessToHope said:
I have a situation that I need some advice on. At my parish almost everyone holds hands during the Our Father. I prefer not to and will typically keep my hands folded when I can. The problem is that I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old who see what everyone else is doing and they imitate them. So I grudgingly (though they don’t realize it) hold their hands. However, I would like to teach them that we shouldn’t hold hands during the Our Father but how do I do this without making everyone else look like they’re doing something wrong. I’m not sure if I’m being clear on this but I would like for my children to keep their hands clasped during the Our Father. How do I explain it to them?

Witness To Hope
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You explain that as their parents you do not want them to hold hands during the Lord’s Prayer and that you want them to assume another position during the prayer. You are free to do so as the Church does not define any position.

There is absolutely no need to explain that the Church does not suggest we do not hold hands.
 
Yeah, because catechesis is so inappropriate for children.

In many parishes, people have become downright militant about this innovation, following the oft-repeated pattern of:
  1. Do what you’re not supposed to do and then
  2. Demand that others acquiesce and participate and defend why they don’t do what they’re not supposed to do in the first place.
Funny how “Beret” encourages liberality about this issue, noting the Church doesn’t have a preference, but expects dogmatic obedience about maniples, where the Church also has no preference. The Missal of 2002 (which you probably don’t use anyway) is silent on both hand-holding AND maniples.
 
WitnessToHope said:
I have a situation that I need some advice on. At my parish almost everyone holds hands during the Our Father. I prefer not to and will typically keep my hands folded when I can. The problem is that I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old who see what everyone else is doing and they imitate them. So I grudgingly (though they don’t realize it) hold their hands. However, I would like to teach them that we shouldn’t hold hands during the Our Father but how do I do this without making everyone else look like they’re doing something wrong. I’m not sure if I’m being clear on this but I would like for my children to keep their hands clasped during the Our Father. How do I explain it to them?

Witness To Hope
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The church does not instruct us to hold hands but how wonderful that the children feel so at home in the Fathers house that they have no problem holding hands during communal worship among family members. What makes you so uncomfortable that you grudgingly hold their hands ?
 
Eugene said:
To me it is a sign of our unity before the Lord and we are connected horizontally in our prayer directed upwards.
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Our sign of unity as Catholics is the Eucharist.
Our pp has no problem with it and with children’s Masses invites the kids up on the alter with him and they hold hands! No I do not know about all the rubrics regarding this but let me tell you, in this country where the number of children and young people at Mass are rapidly dwindling - this works. I am sure it does much for our sense of community and belonging.
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I’ve seen it and it can be inspiring to see children holding hands around the alter…until you notice not all are exactly recollected or comfortable to be up in front of everybody. I’ve seen teens looking around, anywhere but at the altar, nudging their neighbor, whispering and looking at their shoes (you can totally tell they wish the floor would swallow them).

Do you have a source that offers proof that this “works”. I respectfully disagree that it works. I think it only reinforces the sense of entitlement that often rears it’s ugly head when that young person grows up and wants to get married at Disneyland instead of at their parish.
 
PBP said:
The church does not instruct us to hold hands but how wonderful that the children feel so at home in the Fathers house that they have no problem holding hands during communal worship among family members. What makes you so uncomfortable that you grudgingly hold their hands ?
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That children feel comfortable conforming to the behavior around them is not remarkable at all. 🤷
 
benedictgal said:
The big problem is that it overemphasizes the community as opposed to why we are really at Mass: we are there to for the Holy Sacrifice. It is not about us; it’s about God. When too much emphasis is placed on the horizontal, then, we make the community more important than God.

Bishop Peter Elliot makes a rather interesting observation in his book the Liturgical Question Box. I lent my book to a friend (who has not returned it yet). However, the gist of it is that this it not a liturgical gesture and it places undue emphasis on the community. When he has seen it from his vantage point (the altar) he says that it looks “silly”…
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Also make sure and tell your children that they do NOT have to hold hands. Their are some out there that will try to force the issue. We have one at our parish who got into a struggle with my dd over it. DD doesn’t like holding hands and this teen feels that she has to hold hands with someone.
 
WitnessToHope said:
I have a situation that I need some advice on. At my parish almost everyone holds hands during the Our Father. I prefer not to and will typically keep my hands folded when I can. The problem is that I have a 3 year old and a 6 year old who see what everyone else is doing and they imitate them. So I grudgingly (though they don’t realize it) hold their hands. However, I would like to teach them that we shouldn’t hold hands during the Our Father but how do I do this without making everyone else look like they’re doing something wrong. I’m not sure if I’m being clear on this but I would like for my children to keep their hands clasped during the Our Father. How do I explain it to them?

Witness To Hope
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I too am not a ‘fan’ of holding hands, although, we have done that, and have not done that in the past. Now, our parish, mainly either holds hands, or holds hands up in worship, which we do as a family. I think it’s a good idea to hold your children’s hands during mass, but explain why you don’t prefer it, and why you feel it is not as reverent, in the car on the way home…or whenever. It is a preference, and it is your call for yourself and family…

I have a question for everyone here…when did this start? I don’t remember anyone holding hands when I was a kid?:confused: There are some subtle differences like this, I have noticed transpiring probably over the last decade…anyone know where holding hands came from?
 
I really hate the hand-holding. If other people want to do it, that’s up to them, but I really hate it when people either try to force it on me or question me about it.

My explanation, which is totally honest, is this:
I’m a product of Western Civilization. Whatever people may do in other cultures, it is not customary here, and, for that reason, I don’t feel comfortable doing it. Men don’t hold hands with their male friends (and certainly not with strangers) in any other context other than perhaps in San Francisco. Men don’t hold hands with other mens’ wives in any other context. Men don’t hold hands with other peoples’ chidlren in any other context. The only hand, besides my wife’s (and she doesn’t like it in church either) that I don’t mind holding is that of some woman who is at least ten years older than I am (and I’m not young myself). THAT, we do in Western society, (Southern society anyway) and we don’t have to turn off our “this is creepy” monitors to do it.

Interestingly, in the parish I attend, the priest one day announced that it is not obligatory to hold hands during the Our Father. It almost totally disappeared, from that Mass on. So I know I’m not alone in feeling uncomfortable about it. I suspect most men, at least, would quit doing it if they didn’t think it was expected of them.
 
No, you are not alone in your thoughts on that one!🙂

My husband said that he feels like he’s in Who-ville…where everyone held hands at the end of the story. (Grinch Who Stole Christmas)😃
 
whatevergirl said:
No, you are not alone in your thoughts on that one!🙂

My husband said that he feels like he’s in Who-ville…where everyone held hands at the end of the story. (Grinch Who Stole Christmas)😃
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Incidentally, that’s the point that Bishop Elliot was making. Furthermore, I find it somewhat disconcerting that while I’m folding my hands and have my eyes closed, someone next to me pretty much manhandles me into holding hands. I try to sit at the far corner and someone still goes all the way to my seat and tries to grab my hand. :eek: It’s happened to me on several occasions. I try to be as charitable as I can, but, they don’t seem to get it.

One lady got angry at me and reported me to the priest when I told her that hand-holding during the Our Father was not even a posture nor was it mandatory. She was rather upset and refused to listen to me. I told my PV and he wound up preaching about it in a homily and told people not to force their pewmates to hold hands if they opt out.👍
 
whatevergirl said:
No, you are not alone in your thoughts on that one!🙂

My husband said that he feels like he’s in Who-ville…where everyone held hands at the end of the story. (Grinch Who Stole Christmas)😃
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:rotfl:

I heard that this came from the charismatic movement.

I think Karl Keating’s letter said it best:
Karl Keating:
Periodically, on “Catholic Answers Live” I am asked about hand-holding during Mass and explain that it is contrary to the rubrics. Usually I get follow-up e-mails from people who say, “But it’s my favorite part of the Mass” or “We hold hands as a family, and it makes us feel closer.”

About the latter I think, “It’s good to feel close as a family, but you can hold hands at home or at the mall. The Mass has a formal structure that should be respected. That means you forgo certain things that you might do on the outside.”

About the former comment I think, "If this is the high point of the Mass for you, you need to take Remedial Mass 101. The Mass is not a social event. It is the re-presentation of the sacrifice of Calvary, and it is the loftiest form of prayer. It should be attended with appropriate solemnity.
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The only thing I can think to add to Mr. Keating’s thoughts is that, as was stated earlier, the rubrics do not allow for this behavior.

In our parish, most people hold hands, but some do not. In our bulletin a few years ago, our pastor said either behavior is fine. I don’t agree with him, but it isn’t something I want to argue with him over. The holding of hands and the positioning of hands in the Orans position by the laity are my biggest distractions at Mass. I fail to see what it really adds to Mass other than distraction. Sometimes I have closed my eyes to keep from seeing the hand holding because I don’t want to be focused on it rather than the Lord’s Prayer.
 
My pastor, at Christmas, referred to the Lord’s Prayer as “our family prayer” and asked us all to hold hands. I didn’t and got some looks.

But I also didn’t shake hands with anyone either (I had been coughing and didn’t want to spread my germs) so I gave a nod of the head and said “Peace”. People pretty much forced themselves on me to shake hands. At that point, if they want my germs that much, go right ahead.

I was reading up on the Anglican-Use mass, and they all stay kneeling for the Lord’s Prayer. If it weren’t for the fact that I am weird enough- kneeling after the Lord’s Prayer, wearing a mantilla, and receiving on the tongue- I’d stay kneeling!
 
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