Holidays and redirection skills

[DarkLight]

Anyone have any good tips on politely and unobtrusively getting family conversations off of awkward subjects, useless advice, and generally things that you’d really rather not have spoil dinner? There’s everything from religious arguments, to the relatives that can’t stop trying to give the happily single advice on getting a significant other, to the ones who seem to know everything about getting a job as a young adult despite being retired for 20 years, to the (my personal pet peeve) ones that think that mental illness is just a crutch and why would anyone take all those terrible pills.

 

[pensmama87]

“You know, I really love these potatoes. How do you make them so well?”

Lather, rinse, repeat.

(Seriously, I think repetition of not engaging - even if pointedly not engaging - is probably the most effective. If they don’t take the hint, you can speak plainly, “I’d rather not discuss that.” If that still doesn’t work, talk to someone else. If that doesn’t stop them, leave the room, and if that doesn’t work, leave the place altogether.)

Miss Manners has some great advice on how to avoid unpleasant conversation without being rude. It’s not rude to refuse to let a person walk all over you or engage in topics you’ve already said “no thanks.” You start out small and escalate as necessary.

 

[Xantippe]

Anyone have any good tips on politely and unobtrusively getting family conversations off of awkward subjects, useless advice, and generally things that you’d really rather not have spoil dinner? There’s everything from religious arguments, to the relatives that can’t stop trying to give the happily single advice on getting a significant other, to the ones who seem to know everything about getting a job as a young adult despite being retired for 20 years, to the (my personal pet peeve) ones that think that mental illness is just a crutch and why would anyone take all those terrible pills.

That alone sounds like a full evening of subjects. If those are their favorite topics (and it sounds like they are), I don’t know that you are going to be able to get them off their hobbyhorses for any length of time, especially if they have no actual interests of their own. If they do have actual interests, ask about those.

 

[DarkLight]

That alone sounds like a full evening of subjects. If those are their favorite topics (and it sounds like they are), I don’t know that you are going to be able to get them off their hobbyhorses for any length of time, especially if they have no actual interests of their own. If they do have actual interests, ask about those.

I don’t mind ranting so much - I’ve learned the trick is to close your eyes before rolling them. It’s when they want to draw you into them. If one is living off food stamps while taking time for mental health reasons, one does not particularly want to explain to uncle “psychology is a scam” why one doesn’t have a job yet. Or listen to another pitying evening of well why haven’t you done this or that to get a boyfriend you know you’ll be getting too old for kids, when you are in no way desirous of either a boyfriend or children.

There’s just something about older relatives that makes them think it’s ok to be busybodies, at least in my family.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I’ve noticed that older people seem to be very opinionated about things that they don’t know anything about. My family has this thing about my mental illness that goes something like this:
I’m taking poison, it’s all in my head, and “everyone is a little bit nuts.” I let them know that the meds I am taking are stopping me from being irate at obnoxious comments, that all medicines have risks, and unless you are a psychologist/psychiatrist to keep opinions to themselves. I get the “Oh I’ve never!” And I smile. Lol
My family also likes talking about how hard it must be for me to be alone on most holidays because my husband is in the military and deployed. They constantly ask me if I knew what I was getting myself into. I let them know that I was smart enough to do much research about military families before I decided to marry. That the only thing that is hard is everyone bringing it up that he isn’t here.

Wow after typing this I sound like a smart as*. Oh well, people with stupid questions/comments shouldn’t be shocked when they hear candid answers. it does shut them up, though. Lol.

 

[Bonnie]

I’ve noticed that older people seem to be very opinionated about things that they don’t know anything about.

Pretty sweeping statement. Are you sure it’s true for all older people? Or only a few that you know?

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Pretty sweeping statement. Are you sure it’s true for all older people? Or only a few that you know?

My family.

 

[DarkLight]

C.S. Lewis has a rather interesting passage on the topic in the Four Loves.

We hear a great deal about the rudeness of the rising generation. I am an oldster myself and might be expected to take the oldsters’ side, but in fact I have been far more impressed by the bad manners of parents to children than by those of children to parents. Who has not been the embarrassed guest at family meals where the father or mother treated their grown-up offspring with an incivility which, offered to any other young people, would simply have terminated the acquaintance? Dogmatic assertions on matters which the children understand and their elders don’t, ruthless interruptions, flat contradictions, ridicule of things the young take seriously - sometimes of their religion - insulting references to their friends, all provide an easy answer to the question “Why are they always out? Why do they like every house better than their home?” Who does not prefer civility to barbarism?

Perhaps not a solution, but it does seem well enough attested that age and familiarity can not uncommonly lead older people to the idea that they can speak however they wish to younger members of the family. There was another passage, one I cannot find, where he talks about a father lecturing his son - a soldier on leave - on conditions on the front lines. Something he cites as unfortunately not uncommon.