Holidays with in laws/ Should I turn the other cheek or protect my boundries?

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NAT717

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Very long post.
I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, and married for almost 3 yrs. My in laws, specifically my brother and 2 sisters in laws and I don’t get along right now.

The current issue is My husband wants me to go to thanks giving and Christmas dinner at his grandmas house and I don’t want to go. I don’t have any issues with his grandma but her grandchildren, my husband’s siblings have all disrespected and treated me poorly. Especially since we got married 3 years ago. The disrespect and manipulation got worse when I was pregnant last summer. All but one sibling out of the 4 has yet to acknowledge our son who is 6 months now.
The last time I saw one of them was an accident at the grabdmas bouse. his brother and brothers fiance refused to look at me on mothers day at the grandmas house and when I offered for his fiance to hold the baby she said no. As a new mother I’ve reached my ljmit. Its one thing for me to feel disrespected and be treated poorly but to have your own child treated this way is enough to never want to speak or see these people again. ANOTHER EXAMPLE, while I was pregnant last Decemeber, his oldest sister manipulated her way into living in our home with her two kids and didn’t even ask me. When she was already at my home I told her politely that she could not stay and to ask her dad or grandma or her many aunts for help because were financially strapped and I can’t help support a non working adult with her two kids, one of which was 19 at the time. The weird thing is, later on Her grandma and her dad refused to let her live with them because they know she’s a fighter and doesn’t pull her weight.
The last big one, the day before my baby shower this past march, my husbands 19 year old nephew, the son of his difficult older sister, got into an argument with my husband and stepped up to him. Husband defended himself and subdued his nephew. His younger sister called the police and her and the nephew tried to press charges on my husband. My husband works for the police dept, he could have lost his job over this.

The odd thing is ever since we got married he seems to side with them and is always talking about making peace and being the bigger person. He also states that to be a good catholic I have to forgive them.
I do forgive them, I’ve forgiven them for the way they’ve treated me for the last 5 years and given them chance after chance. I’ve told his siblings they’re not welcome in my home, yet they keep trying to find excuses to come over. We’ve told the siblings they can meet our new son at church on Sunday at 10 am mass. None of them have taken the opportuniry and done it.

I m not forcing my husband to not spend time with them or not go to thanksgiving or Christmas. I’d rather he go so he doesn’t blame me for keeping hikm from his family. I just simply don’t want to be quilt tripped or forced into going somewhere I don’t feel comfortable.

I just want to stay in my home with my 6 month old and my mom who is visiting us from out of State. On a side note, The last 5 years I’ve spent with his family during holidays.

What advice would you give in this situation.
 
Holy RED FLAGS batman.

Your husband needs to cut the apron strings.

A married adult does NOT let people live in their home without a conversation with their spouse under ANY Conditions. NO. NOT. NEVER.

You need a professional counselor to weigh in on this and to be prepared to do what it takes to right this for your child.

These people are happy to abuse you, they have physically attacked your POLICE OFFICER husband. Your child is next.

I’d look up your state+grandparents rights. You are in a dangerous and percarious situation and you and your child are in jeopardy.
 
Your bigger problem is with your husband. He doesn’t seem to confer with you or present a united front to his family, nor does he seem inclined to enforce boundaries.

The two of you need counseling with a third party-- your priest, or a counselor. You need to get on the same page regarding how you are going to handle in-laws.

Also, I don’t think saying “no” to holding your baby is a reason to get upset or never see someone again. I don’t particularly like to hold babies and if someone asked me, I would probably decline. Your example are a little thin as to the idea they’ve been horrible people to you.

Your sister in law may have moved in without your permissions, but she had someone’s-- your husband perhaps? Not a good idea to tell her to move out when your husband told her she could move in. You two have an issue and it’s mostly the two of you not communicating, setting boundaries, or being united in decision making.

This is between your husband and his siblings. Get agreement with your husband before going to grandmas on how you will make your exit if his siblings are verbally disagreeable or otherwise misbehave during Thanksgiving.
 
this is why it’s best to live a distance from Family ,
Go for the grandparents , and just Tolerate those you don’t get along with, I had to do it for over 20 Christmas events , over 20 Years , if I can force myself to chat with unlikable people, anyone can ,
They were a pain,trust me on that,
Fortunately the World is a Different place now
 
This is definitely more of a husband-problem; unless his sister broke into your house, I’m assuming that your husband allowed them to stay there. If your husband tells her she can stay, and you are telling her to leave, it sounds like you and your husband have some trouble communicating. He should not be inviting people to stay in your home without discussing it with you.

I’m trying to understand what “disrespect and manipulation” is involved here- aside from the incident with the nephew, nothing you’ve described sounds particularly terrible. Not everyone likes to hold babies- some people are uncomfortable about it, some people don’t like getting spit up on, and some people just aren’t baby or kid people. You mentioned that no one will acknowledge your son but also that they keep trying to come over to meet him- that’s a little confusing.

It sounds like you really need to focus on the things that are a concern- his sister trying to press charges and him allowing people to stay in your home without your (name removed by moderator)ut. Can you come up with a way to share holidays? If your mom will be around, can you do one of them at home with her, and another with your husband’s family so you both get time with your families?
 
Thank you everyone for the advice. I do agree its a communocation problem mostly with my husband and we have alot of work to be done there cocerning his family. He has always just helped his family even if it wasn’t the right time. Now that he has a family of his own, they still take advantage of his giving heart.
To clear some questions up. Yes my husband spoke to me about letting his sister and two kids stay (one is 19) and I said it’s best we dont because financially We couldnt support two non working adults and a child because if be going going on maternity leave soon and our household income would drastically decrease. He said ok fine but that she was just coming over for the day and that shed go back to living in her dad’s house.
I was kind to the sister and explained the situation aboit our finances and that we just coukdnt help this time. Then we even made cookies that day and supper. She said she was ok with staying at her dad’s again. Her dad also come over and talked to her about it and he said he she could stay at his place. Everyone, my husband, father in law and sister in law made me believe she was going to live at her dad’s house.
Then evening comes around and I hear her tell my husband ok I’m going to go to sleep and he says good night, so she goes into our baby room for the evening. Then my father in law is leaving and I ask him and my husband what is going on. Thus was not the agreement. The father in law said his other son and that son’s fiance who lives in his home said, they don’t want her and her kids living there again because she’s disrespectful and doesn’t pull her weight. So they decided it’s best to not let her come back.
I let my father in law leave without arguing and I started arguing with my husband. He was basement that I can’t throw them out on the street, I said I’m not, I just think it extremely disrespectful for all of you to lie to me and we can’t have her here financially. The argument got so bad that my husband told me if I don’t like It I can leave. I was very pregnant and had no family in the area to go live with but I almost walked out that door. What hurt me the most was that I felt he was choosing his sister and kids over his wife and kid.
I finally calmed down and decided not to leave my home that I pay for half of every bill in, and confronted his sister. She was rude and didn’t care what shed done. I felt she wanted me to leave my home so that she could take over. Its so twisted this women’s mindset. I then called her grandmother to see if she would take her and the kids and the grandma, even though she was plenty of room and money, said no because she’s mean and rude and doesn’t pull her weight. So this women’s own husband kicked her out, father and other brother and even grandmother spent take her in cause of her attitude and problems, yet I have to carry the emotional and financial burden while I’m pregnant and not her own.
Ultimately, I’m using this thread to possibly show my husband that no, I’m not crazy to have boandries with your family. Look other people see it too. Thanks everyone for the advice.
 
HI thanks for the advice. I told my husband is rather invite his grandma over to our home for a post or ore thanksgiving dinner that is not actually on the day of thanksgiving so we can still celebrate with her. I don’t want his grandma to think I don’t respect her. I just don’t want to be around my husband’s 3 siblings. If i go over on thabksgoving to the grandmas housefor her dinner his siblings will be there and it’ll be uncomfortable for everyone. I’ve turned the other cheek for years, and even had his sisters and the brothers gf as bridesmaids in our wedding but two of them choose not to come to or participate in the bridal shower and the brothers gf /fiance didnt even show up to walk down the aisle with my brother in law for our wedding. On top of that the brother and yuoungest sister refuse to acknowledge our 6 month old son exists. Not even a congratulation text or an attempt to visit him at church like we told them they could.
Anyways, I’m just asking. Would you go to the grandmas dinner or stay home celebrate on your own?
 
HI x,
Thanks for the advice. I do agree that hjis family is unpredictable and could pose a threat of falsely claiming we said or did something to them. I don’t want to go around them and don’t want my husband around them for fear of getting into another argument that ends physical. I especially don’t want our y month old son around that.
In this situation the grandparents are not the problem, it’s my husband’s siblings and his 19 yr old nephew.
I just think distance and no communication is best with people like this.
 
I would stay home and start having your own holiday traditions. And also start seeing a couples counselor.
 
If interacting with your dh’s extended family causes you undo stress and agitation, please tell your husband this. The details do not matter right now, and will further cause you emotional pain and conflict.

You can bow out of this for the time being. It does not mean a permanent thing. It’s just until things get resolved over time, between you, your husband and others involved.
 
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