Holier Than Thou

[perfectpeach]

I have an issue with having a ‘Holier Than Thou’ attitude. It is not intentional and I never mean to come across that way.

I am a recent convert and since converting, my life has changed dramatically. I used to live a life full of sin without any remorse for my actions. I am now much more aware of my sin and try my best to avoid being a lost sheep.

I know many people who live the way I once did and I am trying my best to help them find the right path. However, my husband says I come off as extremely rude and holier than thou. As stated before, it is not my intention and I have never thought I was holier than anyone. I don’t want my friends and family (the ones who I try and help) to risk going to hell because of their lack of knowledge about sin.

This is causing me a lot of grief because if my husband thinks of me this way, I am sure all the others I’ve talked with do as well… What can I do about this attitude? How can I change? Should I not bother talking to anyone? I suppose if someone starts talking about birth control, I should just smile and nod?

 

[bpbasilphx]

As St. Francis said, “Preach. When necessary use words.”

In other words, let the example of your changed life speak for you.

 

[Joe_5859]

I think your experience is not uncommon among recent converts.

In a certain sense, no matter what you do or how diplomatic you are, someone will accuse you of being “holier than thou” simply because you do not congratulate them for their sinful choices.

The most important thing in this regard is your internal disposition. So long as you are not condemning people in your heart or praying like the Pharisee (“Thank God I am not like that sinful man over there”), then it’s not as important what others perceive. IMO, many people that accuse Christians of being “holier than thou” are themselves exhibiting “holier than thou” behavior. They think they are better people because they’re not like those judgmental Christians.

That being said, I do think it’s important to do our best not to come off that way. With certain people, you will come off that way no matter what you do. But with others, you can do some things to minimize that possibility.

I’m not sure that I have some really surefire way to avoid coming off this way. It’s helpful to watch our tone and be attentive to how we are phrasing our comments. I always try to avoid the use of the word “you” and instead use “I/me” or “we/us” whenever possible. So instead of saying things like “You should try doing this,” I would try to say, “What I have found helpful for me is to do this.”

Of course, we cannot be diplomatic in all situations. I think we can make known our disagreements in a firm yet polite manner rather than in a condemning way.

I’m not sure if this helps at all. It’s something we all need to work on, I think.

 

[EmeraldWings]

i would also add in, if you are a newly convert, then you still have alot of learning and changing to do, so try to be patient with yourself,
God is obviously working in you if you’ve gotten this far, and i think you’re doing pretty good if your willing to see the bad in yourself and want to change it, just never be afraid to change, change is hard, but for things to get better they must change, you cannot become holy without changing, so just keep moving forward, the changes in your life will be gradual, so you may not even notice it happening, but later in your life when you can look back on now, you will clearly beable to see all that has changed in you…

well anyways, the best advice i can give you is simply to pray, ask God for the answers, ask Him to show you what to do, the answer will come to you one way or another, whether He tells you Himself inside your mind, or maybe you’ll come across a book that will give you the answer, or someone will cross paths with you and tell you what you wanted to know…either way, all you have to do is pray.

and it’s always good to talk to a priest about your problems, if you have a good one anyways.
i often discourage others from seeking help online or on forums, because you just never know who your talking to, and then when you ask for help on a forum, alot of the time you end up getting a bunch of people saying different things and you don’t know who to believe…and in your case i discourage it even more, since your rather new at this.

the best way to learn how to be a good Catholic and serve God well, is to simply read Catholic books, for example, any book from www.tanbooks.com is good,

and maybe this will help you with your current dilemma, a quote from St. Teresa of Jesus - ‘Be gentle and kind with every one, and severe with yourself.’
remember that when you’re talking with others, a kind, peaceful, and gentle attitude draws people to you, it’s something others are attracted to, because those things are very desirable, but don’t test it out right away, i’d just strongly recommend learning your religion now, learn to know and love God, learn how to be a good Catholic, and just work on yourself for awhile, because if you have alot of problems you need to work out, then those problems will interfere when you’re trying to help others, and then you can very well end up making things worse.

ok, so just keep at it, God will show you the way, you just need to ask, and trust in Him.

 

[NoWhereMan]

I have an issue with having a ‘Holier Than Thou’ attitude. It is not intentional and I never mean to come across that way.

I am a recent convert and since converting, my life has changed dramatically. I used to live a life full of sin without any remorse for my actions. I am now much more aware of my sin and try my best to avoid being a lost sheep.

I know many people who live the way I once did and I am trying my best to help them find the right path. However, my husband says I come off as extremely rude and holier than thou. As stated before, it is not my intention and I have never thought I was holier than anyone. I don’t want my friends and family (the ones who I try and help) to risk going to hell because of their lack of knowledge about sin.

This is causing me a lot of grief because if my husband thinks of me this way, I am sure all the others I’ve talked with do as well… What can I do about this attitude? How can I change? Should I not bother talking to anyone? I suppose if someone starts talking about birth control, I should just smile and nod?

All You can do is pray for these people, cause most dont want to hear it. Since You are saying that You led a very sinful life in the past, they especially dont want to hear it from you. Ignorance is bliss to them

 

[Tantum_ergo]

I hope this doesn’t come off as rude itself, but may I ask why you are so willing to accept your husband’s really rather** rude** remarks as being a correct judgment of your thoughts and actions?

You have made some changes and maybe he isn’t comfortable with those changes, especially if he thinks “Gee, next to my wife’s niceness I don’t look so great. Maybe if I get her to tone down a bit I’ll look better compared to her than I do now. . .and at the LEAST, if I get her to be less ‘christian-acting’, then I won’t have to go to the trouble of doing what I know I should be doing and that’s trying to follow God the way my wife is trying to follow Him, with all her heart and mind and soul.”

Something to think about. . .is your husband really concerned for the ‘feelings’ of other people, or is he more worried that he’s going to be expected to ‘shape up’ himself?

 

[m134e5]

I have an issue with having a ‘Holier Than Thou’ attitude. It is not intentional and I never mean to come across that way.

I am a recent convert and since converting, my life has changed dramatically. I used to live a life full of sin without any remorse for my actions. I am now much more aware of my sin and try my best to avoid being a lost sheep.

I know many people who live the way I once did and I am trying my best to help them find the right path. However, my husband says I come off as extremely rude and holier than thou. As stated before, it is not my intention and I have never thought I was holier than anyone. I don’t want my friends and family (the ones who I try and help) to risk going to hell because of their lack of knowledge about sin.

This is causing me a lot of grief because if my husband thinks of me this way, I am sure all the others I’ve talked with do as well… What can I do about this attitude? How can I change? Should I not bother talking to anyone? I suppose if someone starts talking about birth control, I should just smile and nod?

Maybe you should avoid talking about it for awhile. I’m sure your intentions are good, but wisdom comes with age in the faith- remember that.

 

[Debra_C]

Yes, it’s hard to resist the urge to share isn’t it? I am also a convert. I am sure at least some of the people I’ve spoken to about my faith have some of the time thought I think I am “holier than thou.” Of course, I didn’t feel that way at all. It’s just that my faith has made all the difference in the world to me and I am eager to pass it along. So, don’t be too hard on yourself.

The reality, though, is that unless someone is ready to hear it, talking to them is not likely to do much good. In fact, it can be a turn off. The key is to pray a lot, make of yourself the best example you can… and be ready to share if and when the opportunity arises. It maybe be nothing more than listening to someone’s troubles and saying you will pray for them. It may be taking the time to pray with them. It may be sharing an experience from your past life and how your faith has helped you overcome. But once in awhile, you find yourself in the right place at the right time for someone, moved by the Holy Spirit, to ask you for some sort of help or support.

The other thnig to do is to learn all you can about your faith so that you can withstand attack and not become confused if someone attempts to engage you in debate about your beliefs. Or maybe people will on occasion ask questions about why you do this or that which is different from the norm.

Meanwhile pray, pray and pray. None of us can change a heart alone. Only the work of the Holy Spirit can do that.

 

[Ceil-1]

Sometimes, just living a holy life can make people feel uncomfortable in front of you no matter how much you try not to act that way. If you have ever been around a truly holy person, say, a holy priest, you may have felt the same way.

In the Gospels, Jesus never condemned. (Well, except the arrogant Pharisees). His very presence caused conversion. It is the presence of the Holy Spirit in us that causes the conversion. First comes conversion to God, the change in behavior comes as a result of it. Trying to change the behavior is putting the cart before the horse.