Holy Saturday conflicts with a friends wedding

[Autumn]

A friend of mine is getting married in Las Vegas in a couple of weeks. She’s been living with her fiance for four years. By her choice, no one is attending the wedding, not even her parents. However, they are having a reception on April 15th beginning at 6:00 p.m. Holy Saturday. She’s not Catholic, in fact she claims to be an atheist, so I’m not surprised the date didn’t concern her.

However, since she and I grew up together, and at one time were best friends, and our parents are still neighbors, I’m getting pushback from my mom about not attending. (My mom converted when she married my dad but never goes to church; thinks it’s silly).

I’m determined to not miss the Easter Vigil at my church. I sent a note along with my RSVP explaining the dilemma; but I’m expecting more grief from the bride-to-be and her mom. Mostly in the form of sarcastic comments to my mom; who I’m sure will relay them to me.

Any suggestions for handling this without sounding “holier than thou”??

 

[threej_lc]

Just tell them you have prior religious commitments, and that they should be respectful of that. If they are not, then I wouldn’t really view them as being worth worrying over.

Josh

 

[Tonks40]

threej_lc:

Just tell them you have prior religious commitments, and that they should be respectful of that. If they are not, then I wouldn’t really view them as being worth worrying over.

Josh

I agree…and send her a wedding present with your best wishes.

 

[1ke]

Well, etiquette does not ever require a reason for declining an invitation, so if you hadn’t already sent a reply with a note in it, I would have suggested simply declining.

If you have already RSVPed, and you really want to go to Vigil, then go to the reception for an hour and wish them well and then leave in time for Mass.

On the other hand, if you really want to go to the reception you could go to Mass on Easter Sunday instead of Vigil on Saturday night.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Sweetie, if you want to go the Vigil, by all means, go to the Vigil. Send a lovely gift and wish the young woman and her new husband the best.

If you want to go to the reception, then as 1ke suggested, go to Mass on Easter Sunday and skip the Vigil.

If you want people to get off your back about going to the Vigil, or making fun of you, well then- that is another thing entirely.

As far as the bride and her mother go, who cares what they think? Shoot, these are people who go to Vegas to get married, after all!!!

Handling your mom is another matter. Try to be tactful and respectful as you very politely remind her that you are a grown-up (right?) and you choose to go to the Vigil, thank you very much. And if it gets too bad, I’ll adopt you. You seem like a very caring young woman from your other posts.

 

[tcay584]

Autumn:

Any suggestions for handling this without sounding “holier than thou”??

Sure…try “I’m so sorry, but I have a previous commitment. Maybe we could have dinner over at my place the next week, a small get together to celebrate”.

It’s funny, I come from the same type of family. I hear a lot of “Oh, I wanted to invite you to play golf Sunday morning, but you’ll probably be in the God-box” and " Hey…wanna come over for steak (on Ash Wednesday) or other stuff to the like. When it really starts to bug me, I just say “Look, this is me…this is my life…this is my choice…show me the same respect to my ideals as I show to yours or we can just stop here”. Believe it or not…it usually works.

 

[DreadVandal]

Why would you want to attend a marriage that is, likely invalid and will probably end in divorce anyway? Also, I would find attending such a cermony on Holy Saturday to be rather distracting. I would put Christ first. Just tell her no and if anyone complains, tell them that its none of their business. They will not understand and they will give you a hard time because their consciences will be pricked. Also, don’t worry about seeming “holier than thou.” No matter what you do, you will seem holier than thou to them. Trust me. Unrepentant sinners accuse believers of being holier than thou in order to justify themselves and diminish the feelings of guilt.

 

[Al_Masetti]

I got taken to task one time for not joining something or other… and got inspired to say, “Don’t need a reason.”

Someone once advised me when I was young, “You don’t have to explain yourself.”

 

[SemperJase]

DreadVandal:

Why would you want to attend a marriage that is, likely invalid and will probably end in divorce anyway?

I’m surprised to this comment on this board. It strikes me as uncharitable. Since when do Catholics reject their friends because their marriage “will probably end in divorce anyway”?

And since when are we justified in making those judgements?

I can understand declining an invitation to a reception when you weren’t invited to the wedding. Really, that’s just tacky. I also understand declining because of previously made plans.

I don’t agree declining because you assume their marriage is going to fail (presumably because they aren’t catholic) or even because it is “invalid” in the catholic church. Non-catholics not being married in the church isn’t sin.

 

[johntkd]

DreadVandal:

Why would you want to attend a marriage that is, likely invalid and will probably end in divorce anyway?.

this is an unfair statement, you do not know the people and cannot say it will end in divorce,or that it is invalid,are they Catholic? if not but are baptised it will be a valid marriage even to the Catholic church,
statistically people whom live together less than 6 years, have no greater chance of divorce than those whom lived apart, Unless one has an alcohol problem and one comes from a home that has a parent that has been married more than 2 times…Its easy to say that people who live together have a higher rate of divorce, they do with certain things that usually are not disclosed unless you really dig…We as Catholics because we dont believe in living together before marriage love to quote them statistics but leave out the important parts of the statistics we quote.
so instead of condeming a marriage we should all at the very least pray for them to have a “GOOD” marriage.and be happy they are taking this huge step.

. I would put Christ first. Just tell her no and if anyone complains, tell them that its none of their business. They will not understand and they will give you a hard time because their consciences will be pricked…

This is a friend of hers we are talking about, I can agree with your reasons,But a friend deserves the truth, by hiding the truth she is showing she is afraid of what people think of her and afraid to show her faith, which she shouldnt be…

Also, don’t worry about seeming “holier than thou.” No matter what you do, you will seem holier than thou to them. Trust me. Unrepentant sinners accuse believers of being holier than thou in order to justify themselves and diminish the feelings of guilt.

This is true to an extent, but we also have some people that think because they go to church and do the confession that they have the right to label other humans as “sinners” or of having feelings of guilt, WE ARE ALL SINNERS, no matter how much we go to church we are human and therfore are sinners, No one person is better than another…

Be honest with your friend, tell her how important the vigil is to you,and how important it is to your faith,if she is a true friend she will understand, but Honesty is always the best policy, if you are not truthful chances are good feelings will be hurt she will assume you do not approve of her choice to be married, or her husband etc, those are things you do not want a friend to assume.
there is nothing wrong with the other advice you have been given either,Just be honest I have friends whom are Atheists but they understand how I feel and do not "pick on me with my beliefs.
Just because some people do not have our faith does not mean they do not have respect for people, or how they feel.
as a matter of fact some of my friends have actually changed some of thier plans to accomodate my beliefs,such as picnic outings and such.

Good luck with your endeavor
and God Bless you

John

 

[DreadVandal]

SemperJase:

I’m surprised to this comment on this board. It strikes me as uncharitable. Since when do Catholics reject their friends because their marriage “will probably end in divorce anyway”?

And since when are we justified in making those judgements?

I can understand declining an invitation to a reception when you weren’t invited to the wedding. Really, that’s just tacky. I also understand declining because of previously made plans.

I don’t agree declining because you assume their marriage is going to fail (presumably because they aren’t catholic) or even because it is “invalid” in the catholic church. Non-catholics not being married in the church isn’t sin.

The real reason not to attend the marriage is that it is on Holy Saturday. Good grief

 

[SemperJase]

DreadVandal:

The real reason not to attend the marriage is that it is on Holy Saturday. Good grief

Then why speculate their marriage will end in divorce anyway? Sorry, but that comment was unwarranted and reflects poorly on our church and on God.

 

[Joe_Kelley]

Autumn:

. . .
However, since she and I grew up together, and at one time were best friends, and our parents are still neighbors, I’m getting pushback from my mom about not attending. (My mom converted when she married my dad but never goes to church; thinks it’s silly).

I’m determined to not miss the Easter Vigil at my church. I sent a note along with my RSVP explaining the dilemma; but I’m expecting more grief from the bride-to-be and her mom. Mostly in the form of sarcastic comments to my mom; who I’m sure will relay them to me.

. . .

Maybe it is just my contrary nature, but that seems to give strong support to stand up for your faith. Maybe your mother needs your example.

The Jews have a boiled egg as part of the Seder meal. One explanation is that it symbolizes the Jew; the more you oppress him the tougher he becomes

.

 

[DreadVandal]

SemperJase:

Then why speculate their marriage will end in divorce anyway? Sorry, but that comment was unwarranted and reflects poorly on our church and on God.

It is a fact that the majority of unbelievers will end their marriages in divorce. In fact, I believe now that it is the case that the majority of all marriages end in divorce. To be honest, if one is not a faithful, practicing Catholic, then I don’t see how one’s marriage can last.

 

[SemperJase]

DreadVandal:

It is a fact that the majority of unbelievers will end their marriages in divorce. In fact, I believe now that it is the case that the majority of all marriages end in divorce.

Not true. About 40% of all marriages end in divorce. Of course that means that 60% do succeed. Even among non-believers.

 

[Autumn]

Thank you all for your replies. I am definately attending the Easter Vigil; it’s too important to me not to. While, at one time, the bride and I were best friends, our relationship has changed significantly. (Interestingly, the change coincided with my deepening faith.) We’re still friendly when we see each other but no longer are best friends.

I’m sure I’ll hear comments through the grapevine about my non-attendance but I’m determined to put God and my faith first.