Homecoming and Purity

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I really like the girl that I am going to homecoming with. This is one of the first times in my 15 year old life that I am actually tempted to realistically have sex with someone. Also, my friends, although mostly jokingly, or at least half jokingly, were talking about doing the same with their dates. I know that having pre-marital sex is against Catholic teaching, but what can I do as far as slow dancing, kissing, etc. Any advice on purity?

Thanks, also I go to a Catholic, Jesuit high school.
 
Please have fun at Homecoming!! I was very shy in high school and had very few friends, much less a date such as this. Make the most out of it. Have the time of your life! At the same time, please don’t have sex or anything which could lead to sex. 15 is very young. you have a lot of time, especially if you are Catholic and would be going against your faith.

Try to build a real relationship with this girl. If you connect well, use this opportunity to really get to know her in a non-sexual way, because pre-marital sex is a false intimacy. It may feel like a connection, but when the sex is over you will likely feel guilty and even lonely and separateness from your girl, given time.

On the other hand, if you really get to know her, I believe you can possibly have an emotional and spiritual connection which will be much more valuable and precious than some cheap casual sex which will be fun for 10 minutes, but which could lead to a lifetime of regret. What do you value the most in life? what is real?
 
coolcatholicguy said:
I really like the girl that I am going to homecoming with. This is one of the first times in my 15 year old life that I am actually tempted to realistically have sex with someone. Also, my friends, although mostly jokingly, or at least half jokingly, were talking about doing the same with their dates. I know that having pre-marital sex is against Catholic teaching, but what can I do as far as slow dancing, kissing, etc. Any advice on purity?

Thanks, also I go to a Catholic, Jesuit high school.
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First of all, you tell us you like this girl, but you tell us nothing about your relationship to her. Is she just a date? Is she your girlfriend? Do you know that she’s tempted to impropriety with YOU?

You might be in for a big surprise if you try to get fresh with her!

If she is your girlfriend and you really do like her, you don’t show that with sex. You show that by ABSTAINING from merely satisfying your desire for lustful pleasure which DOES result in biochemical influence complicating your emotions and making a rational, adult based relationship more difficult (and yes, adults suffer this too), as well as CAN RESULT in pregnancy, STDs, etc.

What about if this girl you like was with another guy who wanted to show how much he liked her by having sex with her. What would you think? Do you approve of his display of affection? I bring this point up because I think it highlights the fact that when it comes to our own gratification, we often tell ourselves that we have a rational reason and we’re justified… but when we look at someone else doing the same thing, we go OH NO, NOT HIM!
 
Here is what I have told each of my boys when they were teenagers:

IF you choose to have sex with this girl, several things could realistically happen.
  1. She could get pregnant.
  2. If she gets pregnant, she could choose to murder YOUR child. You would have ZERO say in this. How would you feel if your child was killed?
  3. If she chooses to keep the baby, YOU will be financially responsible for this child until he or she is 18! That is for more years than you have even been alive at this point.
  4. If you are financially responsible, as the law states you must be, then that means you will likely have to put your own future college dreams and/or career dreams on hold, perhaps permanently, or drastically change your future plans. You will have to get a job NOW to pay for diapers, health insurance, clothes, food, and so much more.
  5. Are you ready to be a father? Financially, emotionally, practically?
  6. You will be tied to this girl/woman, through your mutual child, even if you break up and eventually find and marry someone else. How will your future wife feel about this?
  7. If she eagerly has sex with you, how many OTHERS has she also eagerly had sex with?
  8. If 6 is true, what diseases is she carrying that she is potentially passing to you?
  9. If she is not eager to have sex, but you coerce her or force her, that is considered rape. If she (or her parents) presses charges, your name will be on a sex offender list.
  10. There is no quicker way to ruin a good friendship than having sex before you are married.
Go to Homecoming, have fun, but be smart. If you truly like this girl, you will NOT have sex and you will not do anything that leads you to that temptation. If she is a smart girl, she will slap you HARD if you try anything funny, and then she will call her dad. Hopefully, her dad is an ex-Marine!
 
coolcatholicguy said:
I really like the girl that I am going to homecoming with. This is one of the first times in my 15 year old life that I am actually tempted to realistically have sex with someone. Also, my friends, although mostly jokingly, or at least half jokingly, were talking about doing the same with their dates. I know that having pre-marital sex is against Catholic teaching, but what can I do as far as slow dancing, kissing, etc. Any advice on purity?

Thanks, also I go to a Catholic, Jesuit high school.
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Don’t screw her, it’s a bad idea, the consequences can be very tough. Does taking care of a small child instead of going to Prom sound fun?

that said have fun and enjoy 🙂
 
Thanks guys a bunch for answering the first part of my question! Any suggestions for the second about kissing and such?
 
coolcatholicguy said:
Thanks guys a bunch for answering the first part of my question! Any suggestions for the second about kissing and such?
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😛 You still haven’t told us who this girl is to you or your relationship with her.

The answer to this question is: it depends on you.

You have two questions to answer to find out what is okay:
  1. Is it lustful?
    Namely, lust is the desire to use a person as a means (object) for one’s own pleasure. Are you kissing this girl because it gives either of you pleasure (turning one or both of you into an object rather than granting human dignity), or are you kissing her as a means of showing ultimate respect for her personhood? When kissing or hugging ceases to be the means to a statement of love, and becomes the ends in terms of the pleasure it gives, it becomes wrong. In this manner, I think we can say that “feeling her up” is going to be on the no list.
  2. Is it a near occasion of sin?
    We all suffer conscupience… which means the temptation to sin, and the church realizes that given enough temptation ALL of us will fold under the pressure to sin. So the church teaches that we are not only to avoid SIN, but to avoid the near occasion of sin as well. In other words, will doing a particular action lead you to grave temptation to lust or fornication? If you can kiss her without being grossly tempted to take lustful actions, then by all means, do kiss her (assuming, of course, that she wants to kiss you back)! However, if you can’t even hold her hand without thinking of her naked, then you shouldn’t be holding hands. If you can’t be near her without thinking of sex, then your best bet is to avoid being totally alone with her where sex can happen because of extreme temptation.
Unfortunately, determining WHAT will provoke lust and WHAT will provoke temptation is something we can’t answer for you. You will have to examine your own conscience (realistically) and recognize your own strengths and weaknesses in order to figure this one out.
 
Good advice Catholic90.
Catholic90 said:
IF you choose to have sex with this girl, several things could realistically happen.
  1. If she gets pregnant, she could choose to murder YOUR child. You would have ZERO say in this. How would you feel if your child was killed?
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That one always stuck in my head when I was a teenager.
 
promethius said:
😛 You still haven’t told us who this girl is to you or your relationship with her.

The answer to this question is: it depends on you.

You have two questions to answer to find out what is okay:
  1. Is it lustful?
    Namely, lust is the desire to use a person as a means (object) for one’s own pleasure. Are you kissing this girl because it gives either of you pleasure (turning one or both of you into an object rather than granting human dignity), or are you kissing her as a means of showing ultimate respect for her personhood? When kissing or hugging ceases to be the means to a statement of love, and becomes the ends in terms of the pleasure it gives, it becomes wrong. In this manner, I think we can say that “feeling her up” is going to be on the no list.
  2. Is it a near occasion of sin?
    We all suffer conscupience… which means the temptation to sin, and the church realizes that given enough temptation ALL of us will fold under the pressure to sin. So the church teaches that we are not only to avoid SIN, but to avoid the near occasion of sin as well. In other words, will doing a particular action lead you to grave temptation to lust or fornication? If you can kiss her without being grossly tempted to take lustful actions, then by all means, do kiss her (assuming, of course, that she wants to kiss you back)! However, if you can’t even hold her hand without thinking of her naked, then you shouldn’t be holding hands. If you can’t be near her without thinking of sex, then your best bet is to avoid being totally alone with her where sex can happen because of extreme temptation.
Unfortunately, determining WHAT will provoke lust and WHAT will provoke temptation is something we can’t answer for you. You will have to examine your own conscience (realistically) and recognize your own strengths and weaknesses in order to figure this one out.
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Thanks for this answer. To answer the first, she is not my girlfriend, just a girl I know well, although I might ask her to be my girlfriend at the dance. Secondly, I would probably kiss her for both. I don’t know how I COULDN’T feel pleasure to be quite honest, but neither of us is really the type of person where that would just be the end all. We both do genuinely care about each other and are both good, practicing Catholics. I do have one question though, are there any guidelines as far as length/passion of the kissing? I mean I’m not sure how I could do this without feeling some sexual pleasure, but I am sure that both of us would be able to control ourselves from doing anything further.

Thanks!
 
coolcatholicguy said:
Thanks guys a bunch for answering the first part of my question! Any suggestions for the second about kissing and such?
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I hope you both have a lovely, wholesome and chaste evening together!
Sometime in the future, you may be a father yourself and will agree with my suggestions here, some advice that worked for me at old fashioned, chaperoned events in the nineteen -sixties: I am now a “young” grandmother and hope my grand-daughter’s dates act accordingly:

:harp:

1-Keep the chaperones at ease: Dance at a respectful distance apart, as much as possible. Enjoy the music and conversation, along with time out for some safely prepared fruit punch or other refreshments that contain no alcohol. Enjoy the company of friends, be grateful for your youth and health which are God’s gifts to be cherished. Laugh, dance, and have a wonderful time with all your friends. Offer to get more wholesome refreshments when your young lady requires them. Guard her carefully, she is precious in God’s sight as you are as well. Stay safe, and don’t leave the appointed event.

2-At the agreed upon time (by her parents and yours,) escort the young lady carefully home, (If you have a driver’s license at the time, drive carefully. If someone else is driving, make sure it is a trustworthy, designated driver or adult who has consumed no alcohol.) Better yet, perhaps one of her parents or trusted older sibling will attend the dance as a chaperone and take you both home by ten p.m!

3-Upon arrival at her house, gallantly open the car door for her, gently leading her by the elbow, up the path towards her front door, making sure to knock briskly so that her parents open the door to let her in safely. A nice*, glaring *porch light should be on, but make sure to lead her gently up any steps. Smile and wave at her parent’s faces peering through the window curtains.

4-If there is a three second interval before this occurs, if she smiles and thanks you for a lovely time, you will have your reward: you will have acted chivalrously all night long, thinking of both your best interests and futures, which include college, (perhaps grad school) career, and chaste, wholesome dating while learning to value people’s integrity, intelligence and sense of humor. Some day, you may marry someone and you will both hope that the past is full of honorable relationships, trusted friends and a joy that will continue to grow.

(If she offers her hand, you may kiss it respectfully and bid her goodnight.)

5-Continue to maintain good friendships and always act as if a young lady’s parents are directly behind her. She should do the same, envisioning your parents just over your shoulders. They all have your best interests at heart. Gallantry has many rewards.

6-Call the young lady the next afternoon to let her know you had a wonderful time. Suggest a time to meet for studying or to attend the next church social. Enjoy a wide circle of healthy friendships.

Save this for the next thirty years or so, and hand it down to your own son or daughter. I believe you will agree with every point. May you have a wonderful life and enjoy the prom, (and as I used to add with my own daughter, "Have fun, but not too much fun:)
All best wishes
:angel1::harp:

Copyrighted material, but ok to quote on this forum.
Kathryn Ann
 
Are there any guidelines for length and passion of kissing?
 
“What can I do?” sounds like “what can I get away with?”

I really don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be discussing with your friends plans for the night (even if it’s them instigating). It’s really disrespectful, and if you like this girl, you should probably stop focusing on how far you can go and focus on being a gentleman. Ask yourself how you can be a good date instead of how passionately you can kiss her.

If you keep respect for her in the forefront of your mind, you won’t need to ask these questions. Especially if you are not in a relationship, I’d back it up a little and just have fun without thinking about how far you can go.
 
Katie966 said:
“What can I do?” sounds like “what can I get away with?”

I really don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be discussing with your friends plans for the night (even if it’s them instigating). It’s really disrespectful, and if you like this girl, you should probably stop focusing on how far you can go and focus on being a gentleman. Ask yourself how you can be a good date instead of how passionately you can kiss her.

If you keep respect for her in the forefront of your mind, you won’t need to ask these questions. Especially if you are not in a relationship, I’d back it up a little and just have fun without thinking about how far you can go.
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Thanks, both me and her are pretty keen on being chaste. I may ask her out if everything goes well leading up to it. I am just wondering if we feel like it if it would be moral to “make out” a little bit. Not make out in the sense that we start groping each other and stuff like that. I mean like passionately kissing in that it would be a bit enlongated and we would hug each other a bit close while doing it. I’m not trying to sound immature and this is not the entire goal of my night with her I’m just wondering if it would be moral to do if it comes about.
 
coolcatholicguy said:
Thanks, both me and her are pretty keen on being chaste. I may ask her out if everything goes well leading up to it. I am just wondering if we feel like it if it would be moral to “make out” a little bit. Not make out in the sense that we start groping each other and stuff like that. I mean like passionately kissing in that it would be a bit enlongated and we would hug each other a bit close while doing it. I’m not trying to sound immature and this is not the entire goal of my night with her I’m just wondering if it would be moral to do if it comes about.
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Only if it is a slow song
 
Are you discerning marriage with this girl?

At 15 I doubt it.

Kissing - a peck on the lips, same as you would give your mom, is fine. Holding hands? That is okay. Romantic deep kissing, touching, etc. are reserved for marriage.

If there is too much pressure to be immoral might be time to find new friends or to decide to stay home from the dance.
 
Dakota_Roberts said:
Actually, this would be my advice if you were dating, but since you aren’t definitely stay away from the “French kissing”
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I may ask her to be my girlfriend sometime at the dance if all goes well, so at some point we technically could be considered dating.
 
coolcatholicguy said:
Are there any guidelines for length and passion of kissing?
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Yes! Always assume her parents are standing right next to you. You can do whatever you would not mind her parents seeing you do. If you would not do it in front of her parents, then don’t do it at all!
 
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