Homeless brother

[jollyoki]

"As for his “free will” let me just say that I am bi-polar and was once hospitalized for suicidal depression, my father killed himself and my half brother drank himself to death by age 51 - mental illness removes your free will. The concept of free will assumes one has full control of their faculties. Mental illness robs you of that control. I say this not because I want you to feel guilty (there was nothing I could do about my half-brother’s drinking, for example) but I did recognize that he was unable to help himself. Nor was my dad in his “right” mind when he killed himself. So don’t feel guilty when you can’t “reason” with someone who is not mentally compared to do so, but don’t blame them either

I TOTALLY agree with what was said above which I copied in. One does loss her/his free will with mental illness and alcoholism. I think the first drink was a choice,but once hooked you never planned it or willed it. I think we all need to look at ourselves too. We all do bad habits and some of us have tried for years to overcome one or two. Even the Church says we are less responsible if it is a habit. And an addiction is habit but even worse.
I disagree with that there are places out there our taxes pay for. Not many places anymore and even those are extremely limited. I have known people that can’t get any help for many different things. I am poor and I need a place to live soon and the diocese said they have nothing to help me with. good luck! I love my church but I have never been helped by it.Yet in better years gave much to it. So, we need to gets the facts straightened out from the myths and we all need to help eachother.

 

[puzzleannie]

all I can tell you is what we have learned the hard way–there is no way to get help for an adult who does not want it. the police and other authorities can and will do absolutely nothing until he is a direct and immediate threat to himself or others. for that, it is only a matter of time. get together as a family and decide how you will react when it does happen (he is committed or incarcerated). Don’t let one family member enable him when you have commited to an action plan (with professional help if necessary). ie. don’t let a sister pay his bail unless it is to have him commit himself to a treatment program.

now that he is in the VA system in an emergency situation like this there should be a provider assigned to oversee what happens next, and this is the time to his benefits can be activated, and a health care power of attorney enacted for a responsible family member to take charge, but you only have a brief window when you can do this. get advice from a family law professional.

 

[sbriton]

Thank you all for your prayers and supporting words. I thought I’d provide an update on my brother. After his attempted suicide the VA started to pay a bit more attention. They put him in a 28 day (name removed by moderator)atient program for mental care and substance abuse. He was doing well until he got out. Since then we, along with his VA coordinator, have been trying to get him into a 6 month (name removed by moderator)atient program. That has not happened yet. He is living in various shelters but seems to be doing okay. As far as we know he hasn’t been drinking or taking drugs other than his VA pills. My wife continues to see him several times a week to take him to appointments and shopping for necessities. She still gives him money for cigarettes or just buys them for him. That stinks because now she’s starting to smoke again, although infrequently. IMO, it’s because she’s dealing with cigs more often now than when she quit. Total bummer. But anyway, I saw him last week when he came to our parent’s home when another brother and his family arrived from overseas. He was good but my wife said he had been drinking. She can tell since she deals with him more than anyone else. But he didn’t get angry, violent, etc so that was good.

Now it’s just day by day. He’s still trying to get into the 6 month program. Keep the prayers going please!

Simon

 

[jollyoki]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also sorry your brother is going through this. I was homeless last summer and still fighting ssid etc,not to become homeless again. However, it was not my doing to be homeless. My daughter abandoned me. I am mostly bedridden and very ill.
I have know people in your brother situation. Believe me, most of them have tremendous shame and guilt and that is often what lies behind the mask of anger and addiction. I know I over simplified this,but I did not mean in anyway to minimize this situation.
Does he get SSI? Not that really matter because he would drink that away. If your family got together and rented a room monthly for him in an area he wants to live, could you afford that? I would think he would want a place that he could go and sleep.In my opinion,Other then that, all you can do is keep praying for him.
You can not force him to go to AA. He does have to want to stop drinking and what you were told is correct in that he has to hit rock bottom.
There was a saint who was an alcoholic. I wish I could recall his name for you.But a priest told me about him once. This saint would try and go to church. He often made it up the steps at the church, only to turn around and go away and drink. He did this for many many years. Towards the end of his life, he made it into the church and stopped drinking and even became a saint.
I like this true story,because it shows that what society might think is useless, God doesn’t see a human being that way.
There is ALWAYS hope, even if it does not appear that way.
God’s timing is not ours. So, please continue your prayers,as I know you will and if possible get him a cheap room to crash in for his safety,etc…
I will keep you all in my prayers.
jolyoki

 

[newp]

I’m writing this after finding this site when searching for “guilt from homeless brother.”
I am the youngest in a large family, all pretty well secure with jobs and finances.
I had one brother 6 years older than I, who recently died- homeless. He was in a hospital , for a staff infection for 3 months before he died , and was discharged to the street.
I had talked many times to my brother before he had left the hospital, and was halfhearted about him coming to stay with me. The last time we talked, on a Friday, he called me and I didn’t return his call immediately or that weekend , on Tuesday I received a call he had died on a bike path near a highway.

It’s very sad and heart breaking. I felt I had tried many times before, in the back of my mind somewhere I almost expected something so tragic to happen.
I wish I had realized then there wasn’t anything Christian, or strong or moral about being able to accept a tragedy.

The attitude of “ well he choose this” doesn’t help my guilt or sadness.
I think now no one really chooses homelessness. It seems more a result of addictions, joblessness or not knowing the right person…

. To me he was like a leper who wanted the cure on some days only on his own terms.
Those kinds of battles between us made him return to the street if I didn‘t tell him to leave.

Can I blame him now?

I don’t know if it’s about blame, -that won’t bring him back, nor will it alleviate my sense of sadness and that knowledge would not help anyone else.

The only advice I have is… do everything you can realistically. The homeless really suffer the same isoaltion akin to being a biblical leper , with the issues and the social role they live.

We all have needs and many needs are met by freind family or community;-
, addiction and personal issues shouldn’t incur such a harsh sentence as to be homeless.
Ideally, no issue should have the power do to that.

I hope I helped someone , if not for my sake ,for the memory of my brother.

A silent prayer…

 

[Andrew_Odom]

I hope folks don’t mind me reviving this thread, as I just found it on a search.

I can relate to a lot of it, as I have a brother with the same problems and another who passed away young from related similiar demons.

Each time, it seems to me, you think they have hit rock bottom ,but then such addicts can hit lows you never expected, complete with total delusionary and wishful thinking and yes, a fair deal of rather skilled lying.

Ultimately the lie is only to themselves and God, as eventually all bridges are burned. Sadly, it’s hard to know at what point you must disconnect and say “they own this.” I try to keep a healthy distance, willling to take (some not all) telephone calls , offer advice but no longer giving money or much more beyond info on the closest AA or detox, etc.

There’s a such a stubborness and even arrogance with alcholics and other addicts, even if outwardly they can be “the victim.” And yes, there is a certain narcissm at work that justifies not working and only living it up for the short term. There is free will, ultimately but also through a web of long-term habitual disfunction, and emotional / mental illness.

It was well said in the previous post where it is said:

*"The attitude of “ well he choose this” doesn’t help my guilt or sadness.
I think now no one really chooses homelessness. It seems more a result of addictions, joblessness or not knowing the right person…

. To me he was like a leper who wanted the cure on some days only on his own terms.
Those kinds of battles between us made him return to the street if I didn‘t tell him to leave.
Can I blame him now? "*

Ultimately, we should not be door-mats who open up our homes to those who don’t respect themselves but I do think trying to keep the lines of communication open (within reason) is the Christian thing to do. To turn away an alcoholic’s outreach all the time runs the risk of shunning the very people we are called to speak to or engage …on some level.

The risk, I feel, is that sometimes AA / Al-Anon and similar 12-step programs over-emphasize the “don’t enable” talk - to the point that Christian charity and love (the latter getting very hard to summon) can get thrown out the window. “Enabling” to me became a catch-all for some to dismiss Christian love as it’s a very popular "Oprah " / pop culture concept and can be devoid of a Christian critique.

It’s a cross we bear if we know someone close to us who is a troubled soul addicted to drugs (that includes alchohol) but we must always pray for their recovery and ultimately that God will have mercy on their souls. That’s how I try to look at it. I cannot solve their troubles and on some days i absolutely have had enough. But I try to continually re-group and at least try to not fall into condemning or cutting-off such a poor soul.