Homeless in the backyard

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My husband has recently allowed his friend to camp out in a sleeping bag in our back yard. The friend is a quiet, alcoholic guy in his fifties who sleeps there and leaves during the day to look for odd jobs. Apparently he drinks a lot in the evenings but I don’t see it, but I’m still not comfortable with the situation since we have a 6 year old living here. I’m aware that you never can predict the behavior of an alcoholic.
I’ve tried to find alternative housing for this guy but there is little to be had – our city is full of homeless people. I could give him a tent and direct him to the nearest park, but would feel bad if he got mugged.
What would you do?
 
I would tell my husband that if it is not safe for him to stay inside our home, it is not safe for him to stay in our backyard. I would ask my husband to tell his friend that we could take him to the city mission or to the county medical center for detox. And I would ask my husband to offer to help him find a steady job.
 
What does your husband say about the details of it? Did he tell the friend he could stay ‘as long as he wants’ or did he put a time limit on it?

I’m also wondering if the issue of using your home for certain things came up. The bathroom? Showering? Laundry? What if the temps drop and it’s freezing outside?

You say it’s your husbands friend - not yours - do you know anything about him or his background or his personality? Letting them sleep in a tent in the backyard is one thing, but as a few days go by I wonder if letting him have open access to the house, water, bathroom, laundry room, etc. will come up. And if he would let himself in when you are all gone? And is he trust worthy? Although he is an alcoholic, I know some are ‘angry drunks’ but others are ‘weepy drunks’ ‘sleepy drunks’ or ‘talkative drunks’ and pose no danger to anyone but themselves.

If it were me, (because that’s what your post asked) I would first ask my husband if he gave him a time limit and rules about trying to find a job, etc. I would be ok with someone sleeping in a tent in the backyard for a time to help them out with a safe place to stay. Knowing me and my heart, I’d be offering to wash his clothing, I’d make an extra plate of dinner for him each night and such…

But I think, honestly, I’d put a time limit on it in the hopes that it would kick-start him into seriously looking for that job, or getting himself into a rehab, or looking for a better housing choice.
 
Agreed with @CoffeeCatholic that there are a lot of questions: especially how he’s going to launder his clothes and shower.
Viki63 said:
What would you do?
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Homeless ministry is my absolute favorite ministry, so I’m biased. If the situation is agreeable for all parties (he’s not causing a drunken ruckus at night, etc.) and it’s safe and there are boundaries, then I’d go for it. Nearly all the interactions I’ve had with the homeless have been very positive.

Last month I was walking around Savannah with a homeless 27-year old (we were trying to find an ATM so I could get him some money for a meal), and he told me he does get mugged while sleeping outside, and people try to steal things from him when he stays in the parks. So, that does happen. I would’ve taken him to my house in a heartbeat, but I was only visiting the city, so I couldn’t help him there.
 
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Also there are different types of backyards. In my neighborhood this would violate HOA rules and my backyard is bordered by at least two others. Some people say backyard and mean the 40 acres of woodland behind their house. So there is a lot of ambiguity here.
 
I know right now it is really difficult for some people to find housing, but this is not a safe situation either for you, your child, or the man living in the tent in the backyard. As someone said, you don’t know his whole background or personality, and even if you did, you don’t know who his friends might be. I have known plenty of people who I thought were okay people themselves, but I was concerned about their potential associates, who might not be so benign. Furthermore, the man should be someplace where he can get help for his alcohol addiction, even if it’s just health care, and it’s likely there is some kind of zoning or municipal code against having people camp out in your backyard for more than a couple days, unless your backyard is huge and remote. Even then, I’d worry about the guy somehow getting injured on my property and it being an insurance/ liability issue for me.

I would suggest that you keep trying to find an alternative place for this man to go. Check with the charities in your area that work with the homeless, they may be able to suggest something. If not, see if there’s anything within a car ride away and you can offer to give the man a ride to wherever he could find better shelter than a tent in the yard.
 
Tis made several good points I didn’t consider (especially liability). She’s right, this may be a better idea that’s still safe:
Tis_Bearself said:
Check with the charities in your area that work with the homeless, they may be able to suggest something.
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LumineDiei said:
Guys may just not get it or are unaware of the dangers that other men, even though they may seem like a harmless family member or friend, can be to women and children
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I’m guessing that you are not a “guy,” (I could be wrong, of course) else you would well appreciate how fully aware indeed we are of just that, among other things when it comes to our own nature. There is a reason that, up until the modern era deemed it “oppressive,” we have been so protective of our women and children.

It is reasonable to inquire about the husband’s judgment, which I would trust more than that of some online strangers. Unless of course, the husband has a history of poor judgment. If the OP feels that strongly about it, the concerns should be presented to him, immediate family and perhaps neighbors/friends that are more familiar with the details of the situation than us.
 
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Maelstrom1 said:
To suggest giving him a car ride is along the lines of the good old days, when someone would be driven to the county line and dropped to get rid of them.
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I suggested giving him a car ride TO A HOMELESS SHELTER IN ANOTHER AREA IF ONE HAS SPACE AND WILL TAKE HIM .

I did NOT suggest taking him someplace and dumping him.

Homeless shelters in USA generally not only give people shelter, but can direct them to other resources they may need, such as health care, addiction treatment, etc. That is why they are preferable to camping in someone’s yard, especially since the man is alcoholic.

Please read what people actually WRITE, before responding.
 
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ThomasMT said:
It is reasonable to inquire about the husband’s judgment
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I would be inclined to inquire about his judgment because he apparently did not discuss this with his wife and make sure she was comfortable with it before he decided to allow it.

It is his wife’s house too and the two of them should be jointly making major decisions such as letting another person live on their property.

In the same manner, I would not expect his wife to be inviting her friend to move into the spare room or into a tent in the yard without the husband agreeing to this.

When you are married, your spouse is supposed to come first, not your friends.
 
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I would tell my husband that he is enabling his friend’s drinking by allowing him to stay in your backyard. The odd jobs most likely only support his drinking in your backyard each night. This is not a solution to his problem. He either needs to get a job and a place to live (where he can drink all he wants to) or get help for his drinking. Either way, he shouldn’t be in your backyard.

Many good points have already been raised about liability, cleanliness, and your grandchild being exposed to this. Help him help himself, or get help, but do not enable him.
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Tis_Bearself said:
I would be inclined to inquire about his judgment because he apparently did not discuss this with his wife and make sure she was comfortable with it before he decided to allow it.
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Perhaps, but that is just an assumption. Could be that he did, she reluctantly agreed, and now is having second thoughts. Do you understanding my suggestion that the details of the matter are inconclusive and hence, beyond the judgment of online strangers?
 
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If she is having second thoughts, then she and her husband need to revisit this.

Once again, when you have a spouse, your spouse and your marriage and your child (and they do have a child here) come first.

You do not get to just make unilateral decisions to move your friends onto the family property without making sure that your spouse is comfortable and this is a good arrangement for your child. That’s not acting as a good husband should.

And if your spouse initially says they are comfortable, maybe just to avoid an argument or because they didn’t know how the situation would be, and then they decide later they aren’t, then you need to discuss again with them.

This is how marriage works.
 
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ThomasMT said:
Do you understanding my suggestion that the details if the matter are inconclusive and hence, beyond the judgment of online strangers?
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The OP gave what details she thought were relevant and asked “What would you do?”
 
The details are too inconclusive to formulate a fair response, for me.
 
That’s generous to allow him to sleep in your backyard.

I understand that you are worry of your grandchild exposure but you don’t want to sent him back to the streets again, that are so dangerous.

It’s not an easy situation, and to find a permanent solution is probably very difficult. It would be difficult (or impossible) for a middle age man with no roof and probbaly not a lot of qualifications to find a steady job. it would also be difficult to find an acceptable roof for someone with no steady earnings…

It’s a vicious circle, and that’s why it’s difficult to going outside the streets. And more with an addiction of alcohol.

As It would be difficult to find yourself a solution (unless maybe you are a social assistant), it could be better to contact caritative associations that help homesless people. You can (or should) contact the social services of your town and your city council. Ask your husband’s friend if he has a social assistant yet. He should be aware of the current living arrangement and that he should help to find an other solution. If he has no social assistant, he should have one.
 
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Thanks for all the replies. The friend has left now, though I’m not sure where he’s gone. I will try to find out.
My husband is very generous and likes to help people out. He gave permission without discussing it with me, and the guy kind of moved in overnight with a sleeping bag, and plugged in to our electricity. No tent. He was very quiet and seems harmless, but I need to consider my grandson.
I tried calling several agencies but they are swamped, and because of covid have a lot of restrictions. When the friend comes over we give him food. I feel bad about the whole situation, but our city is overrun with tents and homeless people sleeping in all the parks and playgrounds. Our city council needs to step up and stop enabling unhealthy behaviors, and provide resources.
 
Definitely provide some feedback to your council rep.
I know in some parts of the country this has just gotten so much worse with people burned out of their homes or massively losing their housing due to the tourist industry bottoming out.
The government should be stepping up to provide more temporary shelters.
 
redcatholic said:
Also there are different types of backyards. In my neighborhood this would violate HOA rules and my backyard is bordered by at least two others.
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Excellent point - I assumed the HOA wasn’t an issue since he is already staying there. But to that topic, the size and style of yard is important! Having someone in the backyard and it was small - or they could/would be looking into our home - I couldn’t handle that. I’m a very very private person. I was picturing a very large yard or about an acre in my head when I read the original post.
 
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