Homeschooling fights

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Regina7

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This is my second year homeschooling my children. I have a 7-year old son who greatly struggles in school (except for math in which he excels). He is developmentally delayed and has trouble controlling his emotions.

I have to fight this boy almost every day to complete his work. The work is not too difficult nor too much. I’ve tried rewards and punishments. But all he wants to do is play. I do allow him breaks throughout the day of else he gets too overwhelmed.

Every homeschooling book I’ve read said that discipline/attitude must be corrected before school is even possible. I absolutely agree. But how do I do this? How do I get this kid to understand that he needs to do what he’s told? His typical response is to start crying and say “I can’t do it.” Or he will make excuses: “I’m too hungry. My head hurts.” None of these things are true. As I write this, he is lying in the chair, where he’s been for an hour. All he need to do is finish his math sheet (math is easy for him). He’s given me every excuse in the book. I am basically ignoring him because he’s trying g to distract me with random questions.

I’m at my wits end. I know that homeschooling is what’s best for him, especially since his math and reading abilities are so different. But I do not know how to discipline him.

My husband travels all week, every week, so it’s just me during the school week.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

God bless!
 
I’m reading an interesting book right now called Smart but Scattered. It sounds like it may be useful for you. It talks about building up the skills in the brain required to be able to do things like follow directions, sit down and complete a task even if it’s not the most fun thing available at the moment, etc. My almost-4 year old can be pretty wild sometimes (beyond what’s typical for kids his age) and I got it to learn some strategies to help him develop some more self-control.

I’m not very far in it so I can’t offer any specific suggestions from there, but I’d say you’re probably pretty close to the target audience.
%between%
 
pensmama87 said:
I’m reading an interesting book right now called Smart but Scattered. It sounds like it may be useful for you. It talks about building up the skills in the brain required to be able to do things like follow directions, sit down and complete a task even if it’s not the most fun thing available at the moment, etc. My almost-4 year old can be pretty wild sometimes (beyond what’s typical for kids his age) and I got it to learn some strategies to help him develop some more self-control.

I’m not very far in it so I can’t offer any specific suggestions from there, but I’d say you’re probably pretty close to the target audience.
%between%
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I just ordered the book. Thank you.
 
I always suggest the books “Transforming the Difficult Child” and “Don’t Shoot the Dog.”

I would also suggest working closely with a child psychologist. A full evaluation is probably in order, if you haven’t done so already. The psychologist’s report will have recommendations.

You may ultimately find yourself deciding that homeschooling is not a good fit for this particular child. I have a child that was similar at the same age, and private school (working closely with teachers and staff) has been very good for her.

Kids will try stuff with their mom that they wouldn’t dream of at school.
 
Xantippe said:
I always suggest the books “Transforming the Difficult Child” and “Don’t Shoot the Dog.”

I would also suggest working closely with a child psychologist. A full evaluation is probably in order, if you haven’t done so already. The psychologist’s report will have recommendations.

You may ultimately find yourself deciding that homeschooling is not a good fit for this particular child. I have a child that was similar at the same age, and private school (working closely with teachers and staff) has been very good for her.

Kids will try stuff with their mom that they wouldn’t dream of at school.
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He was in Catholic school and was held back, and I took him out when they wanted to hold him back again. Academically, he’s come up three grade levels in less than two years (so now he’s only one year behind in reading as opposed to two and a half). Despite having great teachers, he would leave school asking why he was so stupid and why he was in class with the little kids (it doesn’t help that he’s tall for his age). His self confidence was awful.

He does receive weekly counseling in a class that helps deal with emotions. He does very well in the class, which proves that he can behave.

He’s been evaluated several times. He was a sick preemie, and has been diagnosed basically with developmental delays. He doesn’t have the maturity of a 7-year old.

I guess I’m just looking for different ways to get this kid to realize he’s not in charge because what I’m doing obviously isn’t working.
 
Regina7 said:
He was in Catholic school and was held back, and I took him out when they wanted to hold him back again. Academically, he’s come up three grade levels in less than two years (so now he’s only one year behind in reading as opposed to two and a half). Despite having great teachers, he would leave school asking why he was so stupid and why he was in class with the little kids (it doesn’t help that he’s tall for his age). His self confidence was awful.

He does receive weekly counseling in a class that helps deal with emotions. He does very well in the class, which proves that he can behave.

He’s been evaluated several times. He was a sick preemie, and has been diagnosed basically with developmental delays. He doesn’t have the maturity of a 7-year old.

I guess I’m just looking for different ways to get this kid to realize he’s not in charge because what I’m doing obviously isn’t working.
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Bummer!

I really recommend Transforming the Difficult Child, Don’t Shoot the Dog!, and some judicious quid pro quo. Consider a points system (although it can be a pain).

Oh, and outdoor time and exercise will probably help. Swimming may be particularly helpful.

Best wishes!
 
I had a child who was very similar in attitude and demeanor (we homeschooled all our children through grade 12).

At age seven, I discontinued having a regular “school time” with her. Hold your shock!! Her older siblings all cooperated with “school time” and she was really sort of alone during that time. We had no TV, but we did have computers, and she spent her time learning to type with the Mavis Beacon program, playing with blocks and at the sand table which we had in the kitchen. Well, by the time she was nine, she could type 125 words a minute with no mistakes, do math like a machine, and was reading *Anne of Green Gables, * and all the Laura Ingalls books by herself. She started running at age seven and now runs in a marathon four times a year.

It did take her until almost college to figure out the differences between plural and possessive S’s, but that was ok with me. She is still different from her peers in how she approaches school work, but she was accepted by two US Military Service Academies and a couple very well respected colleges, one of which she ultimately attended, graduating in three years. She now owns well known chicken-sandwich (which has cow commercials) franchise, paid for with her own money and at age 24, has her own car and her own home, all paid for with her own funds.

So, RELAX… find a way he can learn right now - computer, tactile, whatever… just eliminate distractions and make darn sure he is getting two solid hours of high level physical activity every single day.
 
Can you bring in a tutor for the subjects where he’s the hardest to deal with? Or can daddy take over those subjects in the evening? Or how about doing whatever you can on the computer? A game could be particularly helpful.

I’m sure you’re 150% capable of teaching 2nd grade subjects, but I think you need relief from the continual headbutting with him.

(And believe me, I know EXACTLY what a stubborn, emotionally volatile 7-year-old can be like. My oldest has an Asperger’s diagnosis, and that’s what she was like at that age.)

Good luck!
 
fencersmother said:
I had a child who was very similar in attitude and demeanor (we homeschooled all our children through grade 12).

At age seven, I discontinued having a regular “school time” with her. Hold your shock!! Her older siblings all cooperated with “school time” and she was really sort of alone during that time. We had no TV, but we did have computers, and she spent her time learning to type with the Mavis Beacon program, playing with blocks and at the sand table which we had in the kitchen. Well, by the time she was nine, she could type 125 words a minute with no mistakes, do math like a machine, and was reading *Anne of Green Gables, * and all the Laura Ingalls books by herself. She started running at age seven and now runs in a marathon four times a year.

It did take her until almost college to figure out the differences between plural and possessive S’s, but that was ok with me. She is still different from her peers in how she approaches school work, but she was accepted by two US Military Service Academies and a couple very well respected colleges, one of which she ultimately attended, graduating in three years. She now owns well known chicken-sandwich (which has cow commercials) franchise, paid for with her own money and at age 24, has her own car and her own home, all paid for with her own funds.

So, RELAX… find a way he can learn right now - computer, tactile, whatever… just eliminate distractions and make darn sure he is getting two solid hours of high level physical activity every single day.
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🙂 I love to hear a great success story! You must be so proud of her!
 
I like the positive discipline but not as a sole method, because one needs a way to say no or stop for both dogs and children.

Some thoughts: 1. do you all talk with your husband each night? If not, start. And ask your husband to ask yoru son how his schoolwork went, what he learned, etc. If your husband shows interest in your son’s schoolwork, your son should respond.
  1. Try getting your son to do less per sitting. Does he have 20 math problems? Buy a bag of something small (like MnMs or tiny cookies) and he gets one after he finishes one problem. When he does well with that, up it to 2 (or 3) per two problems. This way you will gradually stretch his ability to sit and concentrate. Make sure when he goes up that you are very excited, and that he tells his father, who will also be excited. (As he gets better with doing two, scale back the 3 MnMs to 2, but make sure you tell him it’s because he’s getting to be a big boy who doesn’t need 3. Not because he’s getting better at it!!!)
  2. Try to arrange lots of little activities over the week so he will frequently be looking forward to something really fun. It can be very simple, like going to the playground when there are children there for him to play with. Also try and arrange a simple, very fun family outing each week which includes Dad.
  3. Ask those in charge of his “class” for advice also.
Annie, still homeschooling 2 (2 now in college)
 
fencersmother said:
I had a child who was very similar in attitude and demeanor (we homeschooled all our children through grade 12).

At age seven, I discontinued having a regular “school time” with her. Hold your shock!! Her older siblings all cooperated with “school time” and she was really sort of alone during that time. We had no TV, but we did have computers, and she spent her time learning to type with the Mavis Beacon program, playing with blocks and at the sand table which we had in the kitchen. Well, by the time she was nine, she could type 125 words a minute with no mistakes, do math like a machine, and was reading *Anne of Green Gables, * and all the Laura Ingalls books by herself. She started running at age seven and now runs in a marathon four times a year.

It did take her until almost college to figure out the differences between plural and possessive S’s, but that was ok with me. She is still different from her peers in how she approaches school work, but she was accepted by two US Military Service Academies and a couple very well respected colleges, one of which she ultimately attended, graduating in three years. She now owns well known chicken-sandwich (which has cow commercials) franchise, paid for with her own money and at age 24, has her own car and her own home, all paid for with her own funds.

So, RELAX… find a way he can learn right now - computer, tactile, whatever… just eliminate distractions and make darn sure he is getting two solid hours of high level physical activity every single day.
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Interesting…so did you take away her other toys during school time? If left alone, my son will play Legos all day long. While I know he’s learning through play, it doesn’t seem that he’ll learn enough through Legos alone.

Thanks everyone for all the suggestions!

I’ve ordered the three suggested books.
 
fencersmother said:
I had a child who was very similar in attitude and demeanor (we homeschooled all our children through grade 12).

At age seven, I discontinued having a regular “school time” with her. Hold your shock!! Her older siblings all cooperated with “school time” and she was really sort of alone during that time. We had no TV, but we did have computers, and she spent her time learning to type with the Mavis Beacon program, playing with blocks and at the sand table which we had in the kitchen. Well, by the time she was nine, she could type 125 words a minute with no mistakes, do math like a machine, and was reading *Anne of Green Gables, * and all the Laura Ingalls books by herself. She started running at age seven and now runs in a marathon four times a year.

It did take her until almost college to figure out the differences between plural and possessive S’s, but that was ok with me. She is still different from her peers in how she approaches school work, but she was accepted by two US Military Service Academies and a couple very well respected colleges, one of which she ultimately attended, graduating in three years. She now owns well known chicken-sandwich (which has cow commercials) franchise, paid for with her own money and at age 24, has her own car and her own home, all paid for with her own funds.

So, RELAX… find a way he can learn right now - computer, tactile, whatever… just eliminate distractions and make darn sure he is getting two solid hours of high level physical activity every single day.
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I totally agree with fencersmother.

My first guess would be that the “math sheets” are not his best way to learn (nor to demonstrate understanding). Is it possible that there’s a lot of repetition/incremental learning that’s boring him to despair? (I know Saxon math was like that for my oldest…slooooow, and repetitive. Changed the program and he was MUCH happier, cooperative, and still learned the stuff. So, a win.) In the early years, I kept/keep desk work to short intervals and only “for cause”…rather than a worksheet, you might try some project-based work. Or try a method that incorporates more tactile/sensory approaches (Miquon?).

I really encourage you to look for ways that make learning effective for him. Yes, you want him to do as he’s told…but if you’re recreating “school at home”, then I can see why you’d be having the same problems the schools had. The goal is to create an enthusiastic learner…so if this method is just teaching him to hate learning, well, then it really suggests looking at alternative approaches. You have to choose which hill to die on. I’d also look at the overall schedule - how many hours of work are you asking him to do at the table daily?
 
(Sorry, this is mixed-up advice but have no time to edit.)

Oh, another thing to try: sit with him at the table and do something like crocheting while he does his work. (My children like it when I do this.) My parents had the same trouble with me and in college I realized that I hated doing homework in the place they set up for me according to the recommendations of the time (a quiet place away from the huste and bustle reserved for studying). I felt lonely and banished but did not know how to express that.

Watch him and see how he responds to various set-ups. Try to encourage him before he gets discouraged. So, say he does his work better when you are sitting there, then when he acts up, be distant and start doing the dishes or something. OTOH, if you have been sitting with him, maybe he feels hovered over and would prefer to be left on his own to grapple with it.

Where you want to get to is like this: some students got together and decided to pay lots of attention to their teacher when he was on one side of the classroom but not on the other. Gradually, they got him teaching exclusively from one side of the classroom just by doing that. You need to see what helps your son attend and what doesn’t. Does he play with Legos for 45 minutes quietly in his room? Try letting him do his work in his room. Etc.

Sorry this is mixed up… must run.
 
Your son sounds like me at the same age, for what it’s worth. I’m still terrible at advanced math. 😛

Attitude-wise, though, two thoughts.

First, does he get much in the way of positive interaction time with you? Do you do fun things occasionally with just the two of you–maybe cooking together, if he’d like that, or going out to breakfast while Dad watches the other kids, or going for a run? The reason I ask this is that I behaved like that during lessons for two reasons. First, the only time my mother ever spent with me one-on-one was while giving me (very brief) instructions about schoolwork. I craved her attention–I would have LOVED if she’d just let me chop vegetables or stir dinner or what have you while she did other parts of dinner prep. I didn’t need a fancy outing to spend time with her, but I wanted to spend time with her. She never cared enough to put in this time, so I’d throw a fit and pretend I couldn’t do the work she asked of me so she’d have to go over it over and over again. It made neither of us happy, but at least she was paying attention to me.

Second, I was overwhelmed by the amount of work I had to do. It seemed like it would never end, and I’d never be finished, and the lessons were very long. Thirty-odd math problems, for example, translated to sitting still for an hour and doing math out of a black-and-white, no-pictures, no-frills textbook. Ugh. I figured out much later (read: college) that I could do five problems of math, then read a chapter of my literature book, then another five problems, then review history, then another five problems, and so on. By the time I’d finished my other subjects, the math was finished, too, and I didn’t have to face an hour of mind-numbing boredom to do it. Would something like that–breaking down the task, that is–help him? Could you intersperse it with the subjects he finds interesting? Heck, you could bring building and such into it: “For art for the next week, you’re working on this awesome 3D model of the Millennium Falcon. How cool is that?! You do need to finish (1/4, 1/3, whatever) of your math problems before you start, though, and they need to be done correctly. Once they’re done, we’ll work on the Millennium Falcon together for half an hour.” 3D puzzles also help with spacial reasoning and logic and the like, so yes, they are educational–just fun, too. 😉 And this is something concrete you can do together to work on your relationship; always a plus!

If he then proceeds to waste time, tell him firmly, “I really want to work on the model with you, but I have other things I need to do, too, and if you continue to waste my time like this, I’ll have to spend the time we’d otherwise be spending on that model folding the laundry, and you’ll be putting away the laundry rather than working on the model to make up the lost time. How you want to spend that time is up to you.” Then follow through. I doubt a few days of missed art/spacial reasoning lessons (because yes, he is likely to test this) will seriously impact his future academic career. 😉 Remain calm, 'cause 7-year-olds love to push buttons: “I know, I wanted to work on that with you, too. Perhaps tomorrow will go better.”

Last point: depending on the math–I’m honestly not sure what 7-year-olds are doing for math at the moment–is there any way you could make it more “real life?” For example: “Xander, I’m making two pizzas. For one pizza, I need two cups of tomato sauce, so how many cups of tomato sauce do I need to make two pizzas?”
 
My first thought upon reading the OP was that the boy should be allowed to play all day. He’s only 7! And he’s developmentally-delayed, so he’s actually younger than 7.

So what’s wrong with playing all day, especially with Legos?

Tell him school is over for him for a year, and give him that year to be a little boy and play his little heart out!

It used to be routine for children, especially boys, to delay starting school until they were mature enough to handle it.

According to Raymond and Dorothy Moore, reading specialists who authored several excellent books about home-schooling in the 1980s (they followed several thousand children from birth to 18 years), boys are often not “ready to read” until they are 10 years old. If they given no formal schooling for the first 10 years of life, but are encouraged to spend most of their time with parents helping with chores and tasks around the house and yard, talking, walking, playing,etc., most boys will begin to read spontaneously at age 10 with no formal instruction.

Raising children is all about readiness, and your son doesn’t sound “ready” for school. So wait. Be patient. Let him unfold his wings slowly and naturally. There’s no reason for a 7-year old boy to have to know much of anything except how to play and enjoy life and love God and his parents and his other family members.

It’s a risk, I know, because so many other little boys are building robots and writing computer programs at age 7. But they’re not YOUR little boy.

Tell him that he will be allowed to play all day with Legos and other good toys, or outdoors. Get him involved with some kind of sport or musical endeavor–perhaps he can join a community children’s choir. Take him on lots of field trips to interesting places in your area. Arrange with various artisans and other professionals in your area for him to visit and perhaps even shadow them for an hour or so. Get a pet or two, or make sure that he visits zoos and farms. Sign up for every free class at your local museum. Help him start a lemonade stand this summer. Make sure he knows how to swim and skate. Let him help you or Dad build a treehouse or a fort of some kind. Encourage him to play with bugs and rocks and leaves.

But stop with the formal schooling and the worksheets and reading assignments and all that stuff. It’s boring and very discouraging to a 7-year old boy. Slow everything down and let him be a child. Read Dr. David Elkind’s classic book, The Hurried Child.

I’m willing to bet that within a few weeks or months, he will get bored playing and find himself interested in doing a little school. So make it just “a little.” Only a few problems, a very very short worksheet, a few sentences of reading or writing. Make sure that he will be capable of succeeding.

I hope this advice is useful.
 
I’ve been in the exact same situation. Pray the Novena to Saint Rita, stand fast, and don’t let the child dictate the conversation to you.
 
I have ADD, and so I can understand a little bit where your son is coming from. Be careful that you don’t try to hold him to the same standard as his peers. Become an expert at understanding his learning differences and disabilities and work with him using what you have learned.

Pushing too hard is not going to accomplish anything positive. Be patient with him. Study. Study. Study. (yourself) And ask what experts you can find on how to proceed.

I’m sure you are already quite challenged with him, but if you have the right perspective and expectations of him, things will go much more smoothly.

God Bless!
 
My wife and I have been homsechooling for 10 years. We are not experts but can certainly empathize with your situation, having been there (and at times continue being there) quite often.

I will tell you things get better with time and experience. Try different approaches, different curriculum, different styles until you find one that fits best your circumstances. Each of our children are different and require different approaches so don’t be afraid to experiment.

Pick your battles. Not every mountain (or math sheet) is worth dying for. Don’t try to just re-create a classroom experience in your home school. That’s not been helpful in our experience. Find other ways for your child to learn math (for instance). If there’s too much resistance right now slip some math skills in when he’s not looking, like during game time. Board games involving math are good ways to bone up on simple math skills. (Monopoly, cards, yhatzee)

Explore the concept of un-schooling. Mix up your school week. Change your school hours during the day. Take a week off.

The time spent with our children, I believe, is where the real benefit of homeschooling takes place.

DONT GIVE UP!

Find a support group of homeschoolers in your community, parish, neighborhood, online. There are tons of us out there 🙂 Taking over the world one family at a time:thumbsup:
 
I’ve homeschooled several children through phases like this, and this is what helped me. My kids would see a page of math problems or reading words as stretching out to infinity, become discouraged, and think it wasn’t worth trying. He needs to develop the habit of attention. It doesn’t come naturally to everybody. I started out very small, telling them that we had a new deal with schoolwork. They were going to give me their total attention for five minutes, or ten minutes, and we’d do as many as we could do in that timeframe, and then we were done. If we did one problem, we did one problem. Breaking it into very small components seemed to help them feel more confident, and they learned to concentrate for a short time. Then, when we’d gotten that down, we could add a few more minutes. Over time, they get more and more done in a short time, because they develop the skills to focus. Ten minutes of attention accomplished way more than a whole afternoon of distractions.
 
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