Homeschooling help

[Regina7]

I am at my wits end. I have a 9-year old son who I just do not understand and therefore I don’t know how to help. Son had many health issues as baby and was therefore held back a year. He was in special Ed and “regular school,” but he was falling through the cracks. This begins our 4th year homeschooling.

Son is ahead in math but behind in reading. Last year, all we did was math, reading (spelling, phonics, etc) and handwriting. I dropped history and science (though we did go to a science museum 2x a month) so we could focus on his reading skills. So he hasn’t had an overload of curriculum.

Here’s the problem: I can’t get this boy to do his work. Today all he had to do was one math worksheet. He sat in his chair for two hours! He’s still not done. I’m just ready to cry.

Punishing him doesn’t work. He just gets upset and cries. Giving him a timeline only makes him cry and say he can’t do it.

I don’t really want to reward him for doing what he’s supposed to do. I don’t know. I don’t have the time to sit with him for 5 hours doing work that should take him 1.

Does anyone have advice before I go insane?

 

[catholicmamajoy]

I am at my wits end. I have a 9-year old son who I just do not understand and therefore I don’t know how to help. Son had many health issues as baby and was therefore held back a year. He was in special Ed and “regular school,” but he was falling through the cracks. This begins our 4th year homeschooling.

Son is ahead in math but behind in reading. Last year, all we did was math, reading (spelling, phonics, etc) and handwriting. I dropped history and science (though we did go to a science museum 2x a month) so we could focus on his reading skills. So he hasn’t had an overload of curriculum.

Here’s the problem: I can’t get this boy to do his work. Today all he had to do was one math worksheet. He sat in his chair for two hours! He’s still not done. I’m just ready to cry.

Punishing him doesn’t work. He just gets upset and cries. Giving him a timeline only makes him cry and say he can’t do it.

I don’t really want to reward him for doing what he’s supposed to do. I don’t know. I don’t have the time to sit with him for 5 hours doing work that should take him 1.

Does anyone have advice before I go insane?

Homeschooling mom here (one graduate and two current high schoolers). My boys hated math worksheets. I hated math worksheets when I was a child. Unfortunately, back in the 70’s and 80’s, when I was a child, there was no other option (at least not in my midwestern suburban public school). With my boys, after realizing how frustrating math worksheets and boring texts were, we changed to Teaching Textbooks. Even Saxon (which I loathe) has DIVE CD-ROMs that can be done in place of staring at a sheet of paper. It’s been my experience as a mom and one that homeschools, not all children do well with the scholastic approach to learning and it will make your life (and his) a lot easier to find a method that works better for him. I suggested TT only because we use it, but there are numerous computer CD and/or online math options out there…all the way from basic arithmetic to calculus. Don’t be afraid to change what isn’t working and find something that will.

 

[Xantippe]

I am at my wits end. I have a 9-year old son who I just do not understand and therefore I don’t know how to help. Son had many health issues as baby and was therefore held back a year. He was in special Ed and “regular school,” but he was falling through the cracks. This begins our 4th year homeschooling.

Son is ahead in math but behind in reading. Last year, all we did was math, reading (spelling, phonics, etc) and handwriting. I dropped history and science (though we did go to a science museum 2x a month) so we could focus on his reading skills. So he hasn’t had an overload of curriculum.

Here’s the problem: I can’t get this boy to do his work. Today all he had to do was one math worksheet. He sat in his chair for two hours! He’s still not done. I’m just ready to cry.

Punishing him doesn’t work. He just gets upset and cries. Giving him a timeline only makes him cry and say he can’t do it.

I don’t really want to reward him for doing what he’s supposed to do. I don’t know. I don’t have the time to sit with him for 5 hours doing work that should take him 1.

Does anyone have advice before I go insane?

Some thoughts:

1. For the moment, can you switch him to some sort of happy fun game-based math computer program?
2. How about some history and science videos?
3. Has he had a recent psychological evaluation by a specialist in learning disabilities? I would not proceed much further without doing that.
4. Books on tape while he does something hands-on.
5. Pokemon Go? Swimming?

 

[ahollars]

Boys are generally more difficult than girls, especially in the younger years. However, there is one thing I made sure my sons understood…

“When it’s time to do homework, you have nothing else better to do. There is no getting out of it, because you cannot do anything else until you’re done.”

Don’t sit with him during the homework portion. That’s what it’s supposed to be. If he doesn’t do it on his own, then it’s not homework. That’s classwork. Just like cleaning his bedroom, or some other chore, if he sits there all day, remind him that he could have been done at any time. It’s up to him. This should apply to anything that is his responsibility. If he can do his chores without you standing behind him, then he can do his homework. As long as he believes he can get out of something (and I’ve dealt with that myself), he’ll keep attempting.

Also, you don’t mention if he is an only child. If he is, then he may not have a frame of reference to know why he should be doing better. Group settings with homeschoolers need to happen periodically, as there are some things that can only be learned in a group. My sons would see their sisters do something better than them, and they would find the motivation to keep pace.

History and science don’t mean much to a 9-year-old. I have skipped it before at that age. It’s easy enough to catch up on those subjects later. English and Math are the only real requirements for elementary students, along with religious education.

By the time he’s a preteen, he’ll start to grow out of it. Boys have a hard time sitting still and need to be physically active, REALLY physically active.

 

[lax16]

I would have him assessed for dyslexia and other learning disabilities.

In the meantime, I like Xanitippe’s ideas. Please know that if he could do the work he would. There is something going on with his ability to learn.

My 22 year old son had similar issues and I didn’t find out about it until years later. All of the time spent feeling frustrated and thinking he was lazy was a complete waste. I wish I knew then what I know now.

 

[Regina7]

He definitely has a learning disability. We use a reading program for dyslexics though he’s not dyslexic. He does really well with it. He’s also very good at math.

He has older sister who knows the rule: no fun stuff (sports, friends, etc) until school is finished. I don’t have this problem with her.

Son would be content to play Legos all day. To me, he just seems lazy though I do worry that he may have a real problem. Example: I have to go out for an hour this afternoon. I told him that he can watch a movie (a special treat in my house) as soon as he unloads and loads dishwasher (his normal daily chore). Rather than just do the stinking dishes (10 min of work), he’s making excuses and whining he doesn’t want to and it’s too hard. This is how he handles school.

 

[midori]

You say that giving him a timeline only makes him cry-- what happens if you say something like, “You have one hour to do x. If you finish x early, you can spend the rest of the hour doing [something he really likes to do-- playing a certain game, watching a certain video or a cartoon channel, etc].” Do it for the things he’s good at, and do it for the things he’s not so good at.

I try hard to let my kids experience the natural consequences of their choices. Sometimes they pick up on it a little too easily, and try to negotiate everything, but it was helpful when they didn’t have the self-motivation to sit down and focus, assuming that the work itself is actually within their capability.

–edit-- Ah, saw you were talking about that in your recent post. Perhaps you might try it in a harsher form-- “You have to do x. You have an hour to do it. If you finish, you can spend the rest of the hour playing Legos. If you don’t finish it, let’s put the Legos away in the attic until the weekend so you don’t have to be distracted by them.”

 

[Anna_jane]

It might be a good idea to look into some manipulative based math programs. Part of the upside to homeschooling is that have the freedom to explore all the options out there and find out what methods will most help him learn.

 

[1990Domer]

I also home school–sort of. I enrolled DS in cyber school where the curriculum is set for me and he has regular interaction with special Ed and subject teachers. He gets feedback on every assignment, which is great. They see how much he time he is spending online on his homework, and we had him reevaluated by the district, since cyber school is paid for by the district.

This is his second year, and last year was awesome. The cyber school was quick to send someone to our house to do the eval. It was great.

This may be an easier and workable option for you.

 

[1990Domer]

Some thoughts:

1. For the moment, can you switch him to some sort of happy fun game-based math computer program?
2. How about some history and science videos?
3. Has he had a recent psychological evaluation by a specialist in learning disabilities? I would not proceed much further without doing that.
4. Books on tape while he does something hands-on.
5. Pokemon Go? Swimming?

I agree with all this. My son had cyber school orientation technically today and tomorrow. He wanted to order some specialty Lego pieces. I told him when he was done with orientation, he could go for it. The orientation was slated for 2 days. He finished at 1:30 (started at 9) and it taking a short break. There were assignments to submit, so he’s waiting on them to get graded. He then gets to start formal class.

 

[eatpraylove11]

What about employing “break cards.” Hear me out.

Some kids just need to be able to say they can take a break when they’re ready. You can give as many break cards a day (perhaps tell him he gets 3 a day, or whatever number you choose). When he needs a break, he can hand you the card and stretch, go for a five minute walk, or use the bathroom. The beauty of it is he gets to make the choice of when he’s taking a break. Try this for a week. Let me know if it works.

 

[CatholicRaven]

The answer, I would think, depends on why he isn’t doing the work (which, really, only he knows–though he may not yet know how to express it). However, I have some thoughts based on what you’ve said.

He’s ahead in math, but here you have him sitting in a chair for 2 hours refusing to do a math worksheet… and working on nothing that he’s behind on. If this is a typical day, it sounds to me like you’re not really homeschooling–perhaps you’re trying to do “school at home,” which is not the same thing. (thehomeschoolmom.com/homeschooling-is-not-public-school-at-home/)

Homeschooling usually is supposed to give you some measure of freedom to educate in ways that work best for your child. After all, if the school’s approach wasn’t working for him at school, why try that same thing at home?

If he’d prefer to lie on the floor and read aloud, or build a lever and experiment with moving the fulcrum, or tell you answers orally, or dance around the kitchen while singing along to an mp3 song of vocabulary words, what’s wrong with that, as long as he’s learning?

And why NOT sometimes reward him–reasonably–when he’s doing what he’s supposed to do, and have consequences for not doing it (even if he cries)? Don’t we sometimes do that even for ourselves as adults? “Ugh, I don’t want to do this report for work. But I have to do it or I won’t get paid (consequence). Okay, I’ll work on it for an hour with no interruptions, and then I’ll take a break and get a bowl of ice cream!” (reward)

Now, I also see that you’ve given up a lot of subjects. I understand why, but it seems to me that this may have backfired for you. First, it’s probably making “school” extremely limited and boring. Second, by removing all the things he struggled with to focus on math, you may be giving him the impression that: 1. You don’t think he is capable of doing it, even if he took his time and kept trying. 2. If a concept is challenging, that he can just give up on it.

I doubt you meant to give that impression, but that may be what he’s seeing. If so, he is going to try to show you how he’s struggling to learn any new concept that isn’t fun, because he expects that you will just let him give up if it’s too much work.

Now, I may be entirely wrong. But IF these problems resonate with you, what can you do about it?

1. Start thinking about what you want to accomplish this year and how you can do it. Not a specific number of worksheets or textbooks or hours (except the minimum for your local laws), but concepts and virtues you want to encourage. Of course you want him to learn stuff, but he’s going to do that anyway–with or without textbooks. So you want to think about what you want him to learn, but also maybe think about things like instilling a bit of enjoyment of learning, the value of persistence, creative problem-solving, even a little fun into your school year?
2. Don’t drop subjects entirely when he struggles with them. If you must set aside a whole subject, just set it aside for a day or two, then come back to it with a fresh mind. We usually set a timer and when it goes off, we go on to the next subject even if they haven’t finished, unless the kids ask for more time. Later, we come back to what didn’t get done. It helps break up the monotony that sometimes creeps in.
3. Think about your child’s learning style. Does he learn best by hearing it explained? Through seeing pictures or watching videos? By touching and manipulating objects? If your teaching style isn’t working well, try changing your approach, or if the approach usually works, just set aside THAT concept for another one (and come back to the first later).
4. Make it fun–or at least interesting–when possible. Be creative, and let him be creative. Sneak in education through play, song, dance, art, building, movement, and LIFE. As I said, he’s going to learn stuff–whether it’s how to build something in Minecraft or how to count the change the cashier gave him. Make it more relevant to him, more “hands-on” whenever you can. Reading about the ancient Egyptians? Skip the dry textbook in favor of various library books on the subject (let him pick out a few of them), and maybe try crafting a working miniature shaduf, building a pyramid from Legos, or making paper and using hieroglyphs and illustrations to write on it. If you have a nearby museum with an Egyptian exhibit, go see it! If you have a computer that can run the Age of Empires game, consider letting him play that–maybe as a reward for reading aloud or finishing a certain number of math problems (and you might be surprised what he learns from the game).
5. Get his (name removed by moderator)ut. What is he interested in? If he can’t think of much, be sure to introduce several topics this year that you think might capture his attention. Dinosaurs, insects, building projects, music, stars and planets, magnets, even video games can give you a place to start. You might try incorporating these kinds of things into your regular lessons, or just take a couple of weeks to try out a unit study on that subject. Or whatever works.

Is there a homeschool support group in your area? They may have more ideas for you, or maybe other parents who at least can empathize.

In any case, may God bless you with a workable solution soon.

 

[Xantippe]

What about employing “break cards.” Hear me out.

Some kids just need to be able to say they can take a break when they’re ready. You can give as many break cards a day (perhaps tell him he gets 3 a day, or whatever number you choose). When he needs a break, he can hand you the card and stretch, go for a five minute walk, or use the bathroom. The beauty of it is he gets to make the choice of when he’s taking a break. Try this for a week. Let me know if it works.

Very nice!

 

[gardenswithkids]

I have a 9-year old son who I just do not understand and therefore I don’t know how to help…Son is ahead in math but behind in reading. …Here’s the problem: I can’t get this boy to do his work. Today all he had to do was **one math worksheet. He sat in his chair for two hours! He’s still not done. **I’m just ready to cry.

Punishing him doesn’t work. He just gets upset and cries. **Giving him a timeline only makes him cry and say he can’t do it.

**I don’t really want to reward him for doing what he’s supposed to do. I don’t know. I don’t have the time to sit with him for 5 hours doing work that should take him 1.

Does anyone have advice before I go insane?

He definitely has a learning disability. We use a reading program for dyslexics though he’s not dyslexic. He does really well with it. He’s also very good at math.

He has older sister who knows the rule: no fun stuff (sports, friends, etc) until school is finished. I don’t have this problem with her.

Son would be content to play Legos all day. To me, he just seems lazy though I do worry that he may have a real problem. Example: I have to go out for an hour this afternoon. I told him that he can watch a movie (a special treat in my house) as soon as he unloads and loads dishwasher (his normal daily chore). Rather than just do the stinking dishes (10 min of work), he’s making excuses and whining he doesn’t want to and it’s too hard. This is how he handles school.

What do you think is easier: sitting in a chair for two hours while mom gets upset with you OR completing a simple math sheet? Competing a simple math sheet sounds easier to me, so if he’s not finishing the math sheet, something about doing that is * not *easy for him.

Try this: Sit right next to him, set the timer for 15 minutes and go over each math problem with him. Forget that you think he’s “ahead” in math—he wasn’t on that day for some reason. There are different skills involved in math, and he wasn’t able to do something about that worksheet. So he sat there. And sat there. And sat there. Let me guess: did the math sheet involve multiple steps? Math activities around age 9 start to require more steps, which requires more memory and executive function. A young boy known to have some type of learning disability might struggle with those things, even though he may perform well in other areas of math.

Set the timer, sit right next to him and watch how he does each problem. Observe him. Help him when he gets stuck. When the 15 minutes is up, if he wants to move onto something else, let him. Moving around for a bit may make it easier to come back to and finish. Or maybe finish it the next day, after his brain has had a chance to process the information and you’ve had a chance to reflect on how to better teach the concept(s) to him.

You may need to show him again how to do his math, explaining it again in a different way. Perhaps try using his beloved Legos, as using math manipulatives can help the child to visualize the problem.* Show more than tell*. Problems with reading often happen in conjunction with a larger problem with language. If that’s the case, too much talking can get in the way of his understanding, (and written instructions or word problems may be particularly challenging.) If he can’t recall all the math steps, you may need to provide a supplemental, simple step-by-step guideline for him to refer to when he gets stuck.

Also, be aware that a child staring blankly might be having a seizure.

You wrote he definitely has a learning disability. What type? Has he been formally evaluated? Do you have a report that offers guidelines on what types of programs to use? You use a reading program for dyslexics but say he doesn’t have dyslexia. Who told you that he doesn’t have dyslexia and what learning disability did they say he does have? Pull out those past evaluations and look over them again. They may offer you more specific suggestions on how to work with your son. Depending on how long it’s been since he was evaluated and how useful the report, it may be time for another evaluation. Or it may be that the past evaluations were sufficient and they contain information that you now need to re-process and apply differently as he’s older.

Speaking of older, this is your 9 year old son with a learning disability, not his older sister. Comparing him to her will frustrate both of you. You will be far less frustrated if you stop comparing him to others and start comparing your son to how your son was the previous month, the previous semester, the previous year, etc.

:hug3:

 

[UbiCaritas]

How much one-on-one time does he get with you?

I could be totally off-base here, but his behavior reminds me a lot of mine as a homeschooled kid who never got any individual time with mom except by acting out almost exactly like this. It was a way of getting attention; even if that attention was negative, it was better than none. For me, the scenario would involve being handed a math lesson and being told to do it. I’d pretend I couldn’t do it, would invent all sort of idiotic excuses/thought processes (“2x2=5 because the ‘x’ has to count for something!”), etc, all to get some sort of attention.

If you are sure he is capable of doing the work and if you are sure this is an attempt at manipulation, I’d try a double approach.

First, make some time to spend one-on-one with him. He could be your “grocery helper,” and just the two of you go do the weekly grocery shopping and then to lunch or dinner; he could be your “meal helper,” and help you plan and make the meals for the week. It gives him a sense of purpose and pride while also giving him that individual attention he probably craves.

Second, don’t let him get out of chores and schoolwork by pulling this stuff, even if it’s infuriatingly inconvenient for you. He doesn’t do his math, then he doesn’t get to do anything else for as long as it takes for him to do it. If this means you don’t go grocery shopping until DH is home and the kid’s in bed, fine. If this means he skips soccer/extracurriculars, fine. If this means he does nothing but get up in the morning, eat breakfast, use the bathroom, and then sit at the table with the worksheet all day with appropriate bathroom/meal breaks, fine. He needs to know that while you can’t physically force him to do his work, you can ensure that he won’t do anything else except the work. I also pulled the dawdling stunt as a homeschooled kid. In my case, I knew that mom would have a breaking point where she wouldn’t enforce it anymore due to needing to do something else/go somewhere/what-have-you, and I’d just have to hold out 'til then.

One last point: I’m not against making learning fun, but kids do need to do boring stuff as part of schoolwork, too, because real life isn’t always engaging and interesting. This was an issue I had when I hit college: I had been taught that I didn’t need to do worksheets and busy work. Believe you me, that has some pretty unpleasant (and expensive!) real-life consequences at the college level.

 

[Regina7]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone.

My son has an exceptionally rare medical condition, which is the cause of his learning issues. Because of this, getting an actual diagnosis has been very hard for us. Nobody can agree on what he has and it doesn’t help that most have never even heard of his condition. I’ve mostly found curriculum that works for him, though I may revisit his math.

I just don’t know whether his lack of motivation is part of his disability. I do know something for sure: if I had an unopened box of Legos and I said he could have when he finished math, he would have been done in minutes. I’ve done this before- he’ll get a present in mailbox from grandma and I’ll tell him he can play after school. He once finished his math sheet in 8 min with not a single mistake. When motivated, he will focus. I just can’t buy this kid Legos every day.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I have a 7 year old.

He’s good at reading and math. He loves science, especially space.

He hates worksheets.

Especially ones with lots of math problems that he needs to do.

He wiggles around, he draws faces on the numbers. He complains “I can’t do this”

If I sit with him, he does it. If we do it orally, he does it.

Something about seeing all those numbers is overwhelming.

A trick I use for my oldest son is covering up most of the paper with another sheet of paper and having him see just a few problems at a time.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone.

My son has an exceptionally rare medical condition, which is the cause of his learning issues. Because of this, getting an actual diagnosis has been very hard for us. Nobody can agree on what he has and it doesn’t help that most have never even heard of his condition. I’ve mostly found curriculum that works for him, though I may revisit his math.

I just don’t know whether his lack of motivation is part of his disability. I do know something for sure: if I had an unopened box of Legos and I said he could have when he finished math, he would have been done in minutes. I’ve done this before- he’ll get a present in mailbox from grandma and I’ll tell him he can play after school. He once finished his math sheet in 8 min with not a single mistake. When motivated, he will focus. I just can’t buy this kid Legos every day.

Don’t judge what he’s capable of doing every day based on what he’s able to do occasionally. One mistake parents and teachers often make with children and especially with children who have a learning disability is to judge them based on either their best day or their worst day. Occasionally on a really, really good day, when his grandmas has provided extra incentive, he can do something that he may not be able to repeat on a daily basis. Great! Occasionally he has a really bad day, like the day it took 2 hours for one math workbook page. Somewhere between those two extremes is what you can expect from him on the “average day”–but, on average, you probably can expect to see a rather large range between his worst and his best, rather than some predictable “average” that you can count on.

Seriously, if focus is the problem, find things to help him focus. They don’t have to cost money (or at least not much money.)

And may I ask how active he is? Does he go outside to play daily? For how long? Do you give him breaks to run around between subject? For some people, and particularly for little boys, increased physical activity helps a great deal.

 

[Regina7]

Don’t judge what he’s capable of doing every day based on what he’s able to do occasionally. One mistake parents and teachers often make with children and especially with children who have a learning disability is to judge them based on either their best day or their worst day. Occasionally on a really, really good day, when his grandmas has provided extra incentive, he can do something that he may not be able to repeat on a daily basis. Great! Occasionally he has a really bad day, like the day it took 2 hours for one math workbook page. Somewhere between those two extremes is what you can expect from him on the “average day”–but, on average, you probably can expect to see a rather large range between his worst and his best, rather than some predictable “average” that you can count on.

Seriously, if focus is the problem, find things to help him focus. They don’t have to cost money (or at least not much money.)

And may I ask how active he is? Does he go outside to play daily? For how long? Do you give him breaks to run around between subject? For some people, and particularly for little boys, increased physical activity helps a great deal.

What suggestions do you have to help with focus?

He’s very active. I frequently have him run around to get out his energy. If he seems jittery, I’ll have him take a run break.

 

[gardenswithkids]

What suggestions do you have to help with focus?

He’s very active. I frequently have him run around to get out his energy. If he seems jittery, I’ll have him take a run break.

That depends on the cause for his lack of focus.

If he’s very active, stopping to take a break like running around to get out his energy sometimes helps. For days when the weather is bad or simply for some alternative choices, a mini trampoline or just doing some jumping jacks might help too. There also are some exercises I’ve seen recommended for special needs children that involve activities intended to build cross-connections in the brain, (with activities like lift left knee and touch with right elbow.) While I don’t know how scientifically proven those specific type of “brain gym” type of exercises are, they are exercises–and exercise itself has some positive benefits for the brain. If he’s working or worked with an Occupational therapist relating to his other issues, you might ask his OT for advice.

Has he had his eyes checked? Sometimes lack of focus is literally a lack of the eye’s ability focus. Some people need glasses to correct their vision. Others may have eyes that cross or that don’t work together, (even if both eyes can individually see fine.) If both eyes don’t work together, a person may have double vision. If a child is tired or coming down with a cold that may affect his/her eye muscles ability to work.If/when someone has muscle weakness, that weakness may extend into eye muscles. Okay, I don’t mean to be crossing into medical advice so I’ll move on…

Young readers often use larger print or finger or piece of paper below the line they are reading. Such things can help their eyes focus. As they get more proficient, the print shrinks (until they get to middle age… when we may want a larger font again or reading glasses.) The point is that eyes are involved in focus, and when someone is having trouble focusing, the eyes may be part of the problem. And as a child goes through school, their eyes are trained to read left to right if that’s how it’s done in their native language. Simple one digit addition and subtraction moves the eyes left to right (like we do in reading), but adding multiple digits in columns, moves the eyes in different directions (up to down, then right to left). So a child who did math fine when working left to right may need some extra help when adding columns. Something as simple as sitting next to him and putting your finger on the column where he should work first might help his focus in math.

Other things that can help or hinder focus is noise. Some people are more easily distracted by background noises. Conversely, sometimes having background noise sometimes called “white noise” can help cover up other noises that distract attention and focus. Music helps some people but not everyone–and not everyone likes the same kinds of music. The key is to figure our your child. What helps him? And also figure out what’s going on around your home. Are there lots of other noises from younger siblings or construction trucks across the street? Is the noise variable so that some days when it’s not there he works fine, but other days when there’s more noise he can’t work? Maybe earplugs or soft instrumental music or earphones with soft instrumental music could help. Maybe you need to go into a quieter room when going over math with him on certain days, depending on the environment around you.

I hope those suggestions help or at least give you something to think about as you try to figure out what’s going on with your son.