Homosexuality and devaluing singleness?

[DarkLight]

Something I’ve noticed about Christian culture in the U.S. There’s a very heavy emphasis in many places on marriage as needed for happiness. We acknowledge single life, but for everyone else there’s a big race to find the right person to marry.

Now imagine being a homosexual teen (I am talking about the orientation, not the lifestyle) in that setting. Imagine everyone expecting you to grow up and find a spouse. Maybe you check, but you don’t feel that you have a religious vocation. You’re getting the message, day in and day out, that you need to be married to be happy and fulfilled.

Is it any wonder under this that homosexuals feel so strongly about gay marriage? We hold out marriage as the path to fulfillment and then tell our own gay kids that they can’t have it. There’s almost no talk of or guidance about fulfillment in a secular single life.

 

[Bezant]

Something I’ve noticed about Christian culture in the U.S. There’s a very heavy emphasis in many places on marriage as needed for happiness. We acknowledge single life, but for everyone else there’s a big race to find the right person to marry.

Now imagine being a homosexual teen (I am talking about the orientation, not the lifestyle) in that setting. Imagine everyone expecting you to grow up and find a spouse. Maybe you check, but you don’t feel that you have a religious vocation. You’re getting the message, day in and day out, that you need to be married to be happy and fulfilled.

Is it any wonder under this that homosexuals feel so strongly about gay marriage? We hold out marriage as the path to fulfillment and then tell our own gay kids that they can’t have it. There’s almost no talk of or guidance about fulfillment in a secular single life.

It’s a fair point you raise and for that reason I think the Christian community could benefit from the notion that we’re “one body” – not only that Christian communities should be ecumenical but to think of themselves as a family unit.

 

[Seeker1961]

You raise an excellent point. How can a homosexual who wants to follow the teachings of the Church feel comfortable when everything revolves around the traditional family? All the focus is on married people with children in most churches and in secular society as well.

 

[Baelor]

You raise an excellent point. How can a homosexual who wants to follow the teachings of the Church feel comfortable when everything revolves around the traditional family?

I think that this could be misinterpreted. We should not advocate for a change in definition of traditional family; rather, we should strive to appreciate the different vocations, including that to single life.

It is absolutely true that it is ignored in most parishes. Singles groups are frequently established to facilitate dating; some parishes (including my former parish) have decided to focus on providing programming for couples and young families, etc.

 

[LJN21]

Something I’ve noticed about Christian culture in the U.S. There’s a very heavy emphasis in many places on marriage as needed for happiness. We acknowledge single life, but for everyone else there’s a big race to find the right person to marry.

I don’t think that is really accurate. I think Western culture puts a huge emphasis on finding a partner, because sex is some kind of biological need, on the same level has eating and breathing. This myth also leads in to the idea that sex is about recreation not procreation. Once it is only about companionship and fun (no longer family and children) the meaning of what marriage is lost. If you believe that companionship main purpose of marriage than its hard to justify why only one man and one woman can do it. Course then it becomes where to draw the line issue… If its only companionship why can’t i marry my dog, or that tree… I LOVE them, they are the only things that understands me or why can’t I have a couple wives and husbands?

 

[Seeker1961]

I think that this could be misinterpreted. We should not advocate for a change in definition of traditional family; rather, we should strive to appreciate the different vocations, including that to single life.

It is absolutely true that it is ignored in most parishes. Singles groups are frequently established to facilitate dating; some parishes (including my former parish) have decided to focus on providing programming for couples and young families, etc.

Good grief, nobody even HINTED at changing any definitions, but the second half of your sentence is spot on.

 

[Baelor]

Good grief, nobody even HINTED at changing any definitions, but the second half of your sentence is spot on.

I agree, which is why I said the statement could be misinterpreted. One could read your post and say that the solution is to broaden the definition of “marriage” so that everyone gets included and people are less lonely. I never stated, nor do I believe, that you meant that.

 

[mountee]

I think that this could be misinterpreted. We should not advocate for a change in definition of traditional family; rather, we should strive to appreciate the different vocations, including that to single life.

It is absolutely true that it is ignored in most parishes. Singles groups are frequently established to facilitate dating; some parishes (including my former parish) have decided to focus on providing programming for couples and young families, etc.

I completely agree.

 

[mellowcalico]

And there is another side to what the OP says, what if that man feels so pressured to marry, that he does marry a woman (but doesn’t really love her). That causes all kinds of heartache. I should know, because that’s what happened to me. I met my husband, we married and I thought all was good. With him, I think it was more of a peer pressure thing (his buddies in the military were all getting married… and it’s a “good” way to hide homosexuality at a time when he could get kicked out because of it).

As for me, I didn’t know he had same sex attraction and was seeing men the whole time we were engaged and married. He was never close to the Church, but he is Catholic. In time, he eventually grew distant from the Church and not too soon after he let the military, he left me and our daughter to pursue his alternative lifestyle. And along the way acted out and lashed out–hurting me and his daughter deeply in the process. I think he was frustrated and angry about hiding it.

He left, but I filed for divorce. Now I am looking into annulment. Three lives damaged.

 

[mellowcalico]

By the way, want to be caught in the cracks of the Church… I can tell you that it’s really awkward being a divorced woman with a child… I don’t fit the “family” mode because I am divorced, yet I have a child… but while I am not a family, I am not single either because my marriage is presumed valid. It’s like no one knows what to do with you or about you. A few people are kind and sympathetic, but most people just ignore me, but then there are the ones who look down their noses at me because I am divorced. Talk about devalued. But that’s a bit of tangent to the topic of the thread. But I wanted to bring it up.

 

[Crescentinus]

I think that this could be misinterpreted. We should not advocate for a change in definition of traditional family; rather, we should strive to appreciate the different vocations, including that to single life.

It is absolutely true that it is ignored in most parishes. Singles groups are frequently established to facilitate dating; some parishes (including my former parish) have decided to focus on providing programming for couples and young families, etc.

Agreed.

 

[thewanderer]

By the way, want to be caught in the cracks of the Church… I can tell you that it’s really awkward being a divorced woman with a child… I don’t fit the “family” mode because I am divorced, yet I have a child… but while I am not a family, I am not single either because my marriage is presumed valid. It’s like no one knows what to do with you or about you. A few people are kind and sympathetic, but most people just ignore me, but then there are the ones who look down their noses at me because I am divorced. Talk about devalued. But that’s a bit of tangent to the topic of the thread. But I wanted to bring it up.

Thats horrible! I am so sorry for your situation. I will be sure to send a few prayers your way.

But I think its really important that you brought this up. We really do need to make sure that this stops happening. It is horribly damaging for all those involved!

 

[Norseman82]

Without reigniting the “singleness as a vocation” debate (those who know me know that I do not find that in official Church teachings), the problem is not devaluing singleness, it’s devaluing God’s teachings on sexuality. After all, it’s not just the push for same-sex marriage, it’s also the normalization of cohabitation, out-of-wedlock births, divorce/remarriage (without annulments), the “hook-up culture”, contraception, etc. If anything, it’s the traditional marriage and family structure that is devalued these days.

 

[Norseman82]

By the way, want to be caught in the cracks of the Church… I can tell you that it’s really awkward being a divorced woman with a child… I don’t fit the “family” mode because I am divorced, yet I have a child… but while I am not a family, I am not single either because my marriage is presumed valid. It’s like no one knows what to do with you or about you. A few people are kind and sympathetic, but most people just ignore me, but then there are the ones who look down their noses at me because I am divorced. Talk about devalued. But that’s a bit of tangent to the topic of the thread. But I wanted to bring it up.

That’s interesting, because I’ve observed the opposite - divorced people in my area seem to have no problems fitting into the Church - in fact, it seems most of the unmarried middle age or older women I see at the parish that are not widowed are divorced, including some prominent people in the parish.

 

[DarkLight]

Without reigniting the “singleness as a vocation” debate (those who know me know that I do not find that in official Church teachings), the problem is not devaluing singleness, it’s devaluing God’s teachings on sexuality. After all, it’s not just the push for same-sex marriage, it’s also the normalization of cohabitation, out-of-wedlock births, divorce/remarriage (without annulments), the “hook-up culture”, contraception, etc. If anything, it’s the traditional marriage and family structure that is devalued these days.

I mentioned church culture specifically, not culture at large, for this reason. Actually, I suspect that the church has made the mistake of simply reacting to the world at large. We react to the worldly culture, not by setting forth the full teaching on human life and sexuality, but just by pushing marriage on everyone. I know personally I’ve felt that I’ve gotten a lot of suspicion/accusations of being “worldly” just for being a single young woman pursuing higher education, and not being terribly interested in finding a husband. And I sense a lot of frustration in the single young adults in my age - they feel like the church is telling them that they should be married by now, like there must be something wrong with them if they hit 30 and haven’t found a spouse yet.

 

[superamazingman]

Something I’ve noticed about Christian culture in the U.S. There’s a very heavy emphasis in many places on marriage as needed for happiness. We acknowledge single life, but for everyone else there’s a big race to find the right person to marry.

Now imagine being a homosexual teen (I am talking about the orientation, not the lifestyle) in that setting. Imagine everyone expecting you to grow up and find a spouse. Maybe you check, but you don’t feel that you have a religious vocation. You’re getting the message, day in and day out, that you need to be married to be happy and fulfilled.

Is it any wonder under this that homosexuals feel so strongly about gay marriage? We hold out marriage as the path to fulfillment and then tell our own gay kids that they can’t have it. There’s almost no talk of or guidance about fulfillment in a secular single life.

Part of it is the important realization that the single life is not a permanent vocation. Many don’t want to hear this, but it’s the truth. Either one is called to marriage, priesthood, religious life, or the consecrated single life, such as a consecrated virgin. We shouldn’t be rushing with all haste to get married, but if that is our vocation, we should seek that and not purposefully delay in entering that state.

If God has called one to marriage as his “big V” vocation, why would you needlessly delay it? It’s your primary means of sanctification. Just like the high schoolers who enter the convent or seminary right after high school.

 

[TarkanAttila]

Something I’ve noticed about Christian culture in the U.S. There’s a very heavy emphasis in many places on marriage as needed for happiness. We acknowledge single life, but for everyone else there’s a big race to find the right person to marry.

Now imagine being a homosexual teen (I am talking about the orientation, not the lifestyle) in that setting. Imagine everyone expecting you to grow up and find a spouse. Maybe you check, but you don’t feel that you have a religious vocation. You’re getting the message, day in and day out, that you need to be married to be happy and fulfilled.

Is it any wonder under this that homosexuals feel so strongly about gay marriage? We hold out marriage as the path to fulfillment and then tell our own gay kids that they can’t have it. There’s almost no talk of or guidance about fulfillment in a secular single life.

I blame Protestantism’s heavy emphasis on the very first commandment: Be fruitful and multiply. It’s not that it’s a bad rule at all. But Protestants seem to entirely forget Paul and Jesus’s calls to celibacy for God’s sake and your own.

 

[Norseman82]

I mentioned church culture specifically, not culture at large, for this reason. Actually, I suspect that the church has made the mistake of simply reacting to the world at large. We react to the worldly culture, not by setting forth the full teaching on human life and sexuality, but just by pushing marriage on everyone. I know personally I’ve felt that I’ve gotten a lot of suspicion/accusations of being “worldly” just for being a single young woman pursuing higher education, and not being terribly interested in finding a husband. And I sense a lot of frustration in the single young adults in my age - they feel like the church is telling them that they should be married by now, like there must be something wrong with them if they hit 30 and haven’t found a spouse yet.

The thing is, however, that marriage is what we are built for (unless we receive a vocation to “virginity for the sake of the kingdom” along with the supernatural graces that come along with it). God said in the beginning in Genesis 2 “It is not good for the man to be alone”. And the CCC recognizes that marriage is the vocation written into our very nature, coming from God’s own hand (CCC 1603).

If there is anything that is frustrating, it is that when you do seek a spouse, you are criticized for it. Yes, many in the Church have reacted to worldly culture in the sense that they have been co-opted by the feminist/career woman mantra of “you don’t need to be married and have kids to have a fulfilled life” and the other secular psychobabble of “you need to be happy being single first before you can think of getting married” (uh, hello, if I could be happy with lifelong singlehood, then that means that I could handle lifelong celibacy, in which case there is a chance I would be wearing a collar by now).

I blame Protestantism’s heavy emphasis on the very first commandment: Be fruitful and multiply. It’s not that it’s a bad rule at all. But Protestants seem to entirely forget Paul and Jesus’s calls to celibacy for God’s sake and your own.

Paul also said that one should marry instead of burning, and that in order to avoid immorality everyone should have their own spouse (today’s “hookup” and “cohabitation” culture show how prophetic Paul’s words are for today). And Christ also said that not everyone can accept the teaching (regarding "eunuchs for the kingdom) and that everyone should accept it as they can.

Sad to say, on this point, it is the Protestants that have it correct - they actually are following Catholic teaching better than a good chunk of Catholics (even some on this very forum)!

 

[Baelor]

Part of it is the important realization that the single life is not a permanent vocation. Many don’t want to hear this, but it’s the truth. Either one is called to marriage, priesthood, religious life, or the consecrated single life, such as a consecrated virgin. We shouldn’t be rushing with all haste to get married, but if that is our vocation, we should seek that and not purposefully delay in entering that state.

How many parishes even discuss the consecrated single life? Do priests make mention of consecrated single life on a frequent basis as a vocation?

Your point is well-taken, yet it does not actually address the concern of the OP: that the focus on marriage marginalizes everything else in most parishes (although the period of silence regarding Holy Orders is, thank God, ending). That it is the natural vocation does not change the fact that it is not the only vocation. Furthermore, there are some people who genuinely do not desire marriage.

If God has called one to marriage as his “big V” vocation, why would you needlessly delay it? It’s your primary means of sanctification. Just like the high schoolers who enter the convent or seminary right after high school.

There are plenty of reasons to delay entering a seminary, such as getting a degree in something not taught at a seminary that will be valuable to your flourishing as a human and a priest.

 

[DarkLight]

Part of it is the important realization that the single life is not a permanent vocation. Many don’t want to hear this, but it’s the truth. Either one is called to marriage, priesthood, religious life, or the consecrated single life, such as a consecrated virgin. We shouldn’t be rushing with all haste to get married, but if that is our vocation, we should seek that and not purposefully delay in entering that state.

If God has called one to marriage as his “big V” vocation, why would you needlessly delay it? It’s your primary means of sanctification. Just like the high schoolers who enter the convent or seminary right after high school.

So what would you say to a homsexual teen? I’m suspicious that orientation can be completely changed - from what I’ve seen, it’s often possible to suppress homosexual desires, but it’s almost impossible to create heterosexual desire if it’s not there to begin with. The church calls these people to live single lives. But simultaneously the church is saying that most people need marriage for happiness. The message that comes across is “gay people aren’t allowed to be happy.” If we expect them to live single lives, we need to change that message and change our churches to support them.