Homosexuality in Extended Family

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hooveam

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Hi all–

My boyfriend has a homosexual uncle who had been in a serious relationship with another man for 20 some years. I met him and his boyfriend for the first time last weekend. I was friendly to both and when they invited us to their lake house for supper, I went along as normal and gave them both hugs. I’m new to this kind of situation, so I wasn’t sure what to do-- I didn’t want to give the impression that I agreed with the behavior but I didn’t want to be rude. My sister and her now husband used to live together, and we were close enough that I could voice my disagreement with their choices and love them both anyway.

Another thing is that the two men always host the family Christmas party every year. As long as I am childless, I suppose I could go, but when I have children, it is not something I would want them to become familiar with, especially as young children. I would rather like to have a separate family Christmas, although the family is very dramatic and would take offense I’m sure. As I get to know them, I suspect my views will come out and we can talk about it later on, but does anyone have suggestions on what to do in the mean time or how to deal with this in the future?

Thanks!
 
First step, where is your bf in al this? Where is your shared vision for child rearing? Do you have one? Is he ready, willing, able to engage his family on the issue?
 
Yes, talk to your bf about this, and realize that it depends very much on the persons you are dealing with. It is not necessarily tacit approval of a disordered relationship to tolerate people’s faults when common sense says you are not going to change them. Sometimes you do not have the choice between turning a person from a disordered way of life to an ordered way of life. Sometimes, the choice is between strife and peace. You may know that your uncle has a mistress or has a fine house because he cheats on his taxes or that he abuses alcohol or is a shameless glutton or may know of many other serious issues, and yet not conclude that his choice to sin means that he may not have any social contact with your family. You can’t take your family out of the world entirely. The question is where and how you will have contact with the world.

How and when children are taught about these facts of life is something the parents need to come to a meeting of minds about. The people your family associates who will not live according to Church teaching ought to at least respect your decision to believe it and pass it on to your children. If they insist on telling your children that the faith is not the truth, that is a big issue.
 
I think since his uncle has been with his boyfriend ever since he was a child, he doesn’t think about it much and it doesn’t bother him as much. I know he thinks of them as “married” and every time he says they’re basically married, I say something along the lines of the Catholic view and he says, “I know, but you know what I mean.” He’s not going to say anything to his uncle, that I know for sure.

As far as child rearing, he wants to be involved with Church, and both would like me to be a stay at home Mom. He understands my concern but doesn’t really share it in a deep sense. His Grandpa was a strict Catholic but his parents fell away from Sunday Mass when he was about 8-9. He wants to practice NFP, but for some reason he seems numb on this issue.

Does that help?
 
EasterJoy-

That makes sense to me. My main concern is with my future children. Small children may not able to pick up on sins like cheating taxes or having a private mistress or even being drunk, but they certainly would notice two men being affectionate with each other and I could see that as being confusing or even malform their understanding of family life.
 
Monicad said:
I will pray for you this is a very hard situation. I would choose not to attend a Christmas gathering in the home of a co-habiting practicing homosexual couple, and I would not bring my children to such a home. This is such a sad situation I am so sorry for you. Please discuss this at great length with your boyfriend-fiancé before any discussion takes place with his family.
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I mean that Uncle Al might brag about his shady dealings and the women he has spend the night (even if they are not there) and Aunt Sal wear skirts cut up to there and tops cut down to there and talk about how she plans to go get drunk with her friends for New Years Eve, while Uncle Cal might not let on that his friend Pat is anything other than a friend. The brother or sister of Sal, Al and Cal might decide that their siblings are a bad example, but examples that can nevertheless be tolerated. It just depends on the family and the discernment of the parents.

Avoiding family members who are a bad example is one way to deal with it. I think couples have to use their own judgment. Sometimes couples are not affectionate when they have company over, and when it is a family situation very often the men are hugging each other all over the place. The children might not have any reason to conclude the men are anything other than roommates until they are old enough to understand why we tolerate people in our family even when they are making bad choices.
 
On the contrary, I would personally bring my children as a way of being somewhat cordial to some extended family. One can simply say “these are your two uncles” and be very ambiguous about it without referencing homosexuality and they’ll more than likely take a Full House approach to it.
 
hooveam said:
I think since his uncle has been with his boyfriend ever since he was a child, he doesn’t think about it much and it doesn’t bother him as much. I know he thinks of them as “married” and every time he says they’re basically married, I say something along the lines of the Catholic view and he says, “I know, but you know what I mean.” He’s not going to say anything to his uncle, that I know for sure.

As far as child rearing, he wants to be involved with Church, and both would like me to be a stay at home Mom. He understands my concern but doesn’t really share it in a deep sense. His Grandpa was a strict Catholic but his parents fell away from Sunday Mass when he was about 8-9. He wants to practice NFP, but for some reason he seems numb on this issue.

Does that help?
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Sounds to me like you are not on the same page and further that you wil be frustrated in your efforts to establish boundaries in this area as he is not willing or able to acknowledge that this is an immoral situation nor to go against the status quo.

If he does not truly believe it is wrong, you are not on the same page.

Everything you have written here sounds as if he is passive in his faith. What does he really believe and what does he really stand for?
 
Personally, if they can maintain some ambiguity about their homosexuality and make it seem more of a Full House type of thing, (men just living in a house) then maybe it’s okay to go/bring children.
 
Monicad said:
I agree it is so hard, and yes we do have to sometimes tolerate family members even when they are making bad choices that is for certain!

I have had to make this choice several times unfortunately. I will not bring my children to a co-habiting home, heterosexual or homosexual it makes no difference. My children have clearly been around all kinds of different people just not to the homes of people co-habiting which is a personal family decision we have made with the help of spiritual direction. Hope that makes sense even if others don’t necessarily agree. Blessings.
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Yes…and I assume that other people who decide that unfortunately their relatives send a message that they just can’t have their children witnessing have to be assumed to be following their best judgement, too. As you say, this kind of situation puts parents in a very bad spot.
 
Truly. But as long as what we do is out of love and cordiality for the people involved, it’s fine.
 
You definitely need to talk to your boyfriend about this and clarify to him (and yourself) what your view and behavior will be towards a co-habituating couple, gay or not.

If you do not wish to condone the behavior you must be true to yourself. If this means not attending the party or family gathering, so be it. To do less, would be compromising your beliefs.

However, this needs to be communicated with your boyfriend NOW, especially if your relationship is going to be more serious.

Since he presently has “no problem” with the uncle two things will happen – he will either come to your point or view or not. From his point of view (although you he might not overtly express it) you will be asking him to choose you or his family.

To put it bluntly, he’s known his family all his life and you…? Even more bluntly, unless he changes, you lose!

Get clarity and if necessary cut your losses and end the relationship, NOW! It won’t get any easier, especially if the rest of the family is accepting of the couple.
 
VanSensei said:
Personally, if they can maintain some ambiguity about their homosexuality and make it seem more of a Full House type of thing, (men just living in a house) then maybe it’s okay to go/bring children.
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That is what I was thinking.

While I don’t have gay people in my family, I do have sinners in it. 😃 I understood growing up that it was wrong for people who are married to live together. When I would question why so-and-so did, my mom would tell me that I should pray for them. It didn’t confuse me or make me question anything. I prayed for them like my mom told me to. 🤷 I didn’t live with the opposite sex until I married.

Some people’s sins are more public than others, that doesn’t mean that they are bad people or that we shouldn’t see them during special occasions.
 
My husband’s aunt is homosexual. She was with her partner before I even met my husband. They are nice about most things. We did have to bar all talk of religion at family gatherings. They are very anti-Catholic and have heavily offended not only my husband and myself but my mother-in-law.

They don’t show affection towards each other outwardly during family gatherings. To the best of my knowledge this is just how they are.

I’ve found it is better to show my children that while I may not agree with it, I am showing God’s love by being kind to them.
 
I have a homosexual family member who has been with his partner for something like 20 years now (maybe more). Ours is the sort of family where we’re not actually allowed to mention that they’re gay. The times we’ve been around them, our kids have never paid any attention to or asked questions about the nature of their relationship. We’ve been to their house a couple times and we all had a good time. I can’t give much advice on how to deal with it since questions have never come up, other than to say that if they’re not someone you see on a regular basis, questions may never come up. Your kids might not even think about it until their older and better able to discuss the issue.
 
I think it depends on the couple. If they can act normally, then I don’t see a problem bringing the kids over. They will just think of the uncle and his friend and won’t think anything of it. When they are old enough to figure out that they’re gay, then you can have deeper discussions explaining why the Church is against homosexual activity, and also that we are called to love them and pray for them.

If they are the type that are all over each other, that is another issue. In fact, a heterosexual couple that behaves over the top wouldn’t be a good example to the kids, either. But they’ve been together for so long that they should be past the all over each other phase. If they have no self-control then they shouldn’t be around kids.

I would also hope that religious discussions will be banned from discussion at family gatherings. Nobody is going to change anyone’s minds, and people are usually Church-bashing rather than approaching things with an open mind and genuinely trying to understand the other side’s point of view.

But the most important thing is to teach the kids to pray, build a relationship with God, and to not be afraid to ask questions. It is also important to slowly expose them to the secular world because most people do not agree with Christian morality and we don’t want them to go into a state of shock/rebellion when they enter their college years and are away from home or schooled outside of home for the first time.
 
stephe1987 said:
I think it depends on the couple. If they can act normally, then I don’t see a problem bringing the kids over. They will just think of the uncle and his friend and won’t think anything of it. When they are old enough to figure out that they’re gay, then you can have deeper discussions explaining why the Church is against homosexual activity, and also that we are called to love them and pray for them.

If they are the type that are all over each other, that is another issue. In fact, a heterosexual couple that behaves over the top wouldn’t be a good example to the kids, either. But they’ve been together for so long that they should be past the all over each other phase. If they have no self-control then they shouldn’t be around kids.

I would also hope that religious discussions will be banned from discussion at family gatherings. Nobody is going to change anyone’s minds, and people are usually Church-bashing rather than approaching things with an open mind and genuinely trying to understand the other side’s point of view.

But the most important thing is to teach the kids to pray, build a relationship with God, and to not be afraid to ask questions. It is also important to slowly expose them to the secular world because most people do not agree with Christian morality and we don’t want them to go into a state of shock/rebellion when they enter their college years and are away from home or schooled outside of home for the first time.
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