Honest opinions about masturbation

[SAM_1]

Hi, Im a 33 years old woman. For years I have tried to find a good husband without any results. I try to be a good Catholic and to follow the churchs rules and I attend mass each Sunday. As a single Catholic following the churchs rules Im not allowed to masturbate without sinning, but I have problems with understanding how to have a normal sex drive without sinning. I must honestly say that when I dont masturbate for months ( I try not to masturbate for years at all ) Im getting so depressed and feel that Im not a human beeing. I try to repress my sex drive and never think about the subject beacuse this is the only way I feel I can handle the problem. I have never watched porn and will never do. I hate it and this is not a problem for me at all but the problem when I dont masturbate for a long time is that I get so depressed and I feel like a robot. I dont feel that its so wrong in my own opinion because when a young person have done everything to find a good spouse ( which also probably would get rid of the problem bacause you would have a sex life ) what is the person suppose to do then without going mad? I feel I have given up a very important part in life ( to have a normal sex drive ) to follow the churchs rules. As I say I follow the churchs rules without masturbating but the price I pay is beeing depressed and feel like a robot. I have tried to pray more, to read the bible and other things that might help but it hasnt worked. I can understand the churchs opinoion and logic about the subject but on the other side I feel its a very strict rule especially these days when the world has become more and more secular and more and more Catholic people have problems to find a good spouse. In my case I feel it would be ok to masturbate sometimes ( only if the pressure gets to strong so you almost get crazy ) to get rid of the enormous pressure that builds up in a young person with a normal sex drive. I really feel it would be healthy, now I just feel unhealthy. For me its kind of logic because we are created as sexual human beeings and when we dont have a spouse where is the normal sexdrive suppose to go? I know its easy to say keep praying and believing and I do that but the price I pay is big mental problems. I must honestly say that when I was younger and masturbated sometimes I felt like kind of more alive and for sure more humanbeeing.I also notice that after I quited to masturbate my tolerance for other people and in general has become very low. Before I used to forgive much more and I feel that I was a better person. Now I feel like a worse person with depressions and low tolerance caused by the frustration. I ask myself: Is it better to be a smiley person who tries to be good and who has the ability to forgive people or is it better to follow the churchs rules but be much grumpy and have depressions? Im sorry but Im not so strong that I manage to be harmonic and follow the churchs rules about not to mastubate. Either I could masturbate when the pressure gets to strong and be more harmonic, or I dont do it but Im depressed and not harmonic. Now after I quited this habit for years after I found out it was a sin it has helped me in some ways but on the other hand it makes me feel like a machine which " does its work" ( in my case: to folow the churchs rules about not masturbating) . I havnt started this thread to justify myself, Im just saying what I feel would be a solution to have a more healthy sex drive, MAYBE. The best soultion I guess is to find a spouse but what about those young people who tried and havnt found it? They are not allowed to have pre - marital sex and they cant masturbate. How in the world is it possible to remain having a normal sex drive in this situation? It dosn`t sound logic for me as we are created sexual beeings. …

 

[SAM_1]

Does any feel like this in a simalar way or is it just me??? Any opinions?

Thank you in advance for your reply

 

[Warandpeace]

St. Josemaria Escriva suggests directing sexual energy into doing extra work. Yard work, exercise, etc.

In general always pray for deliverance when assaulted with sexual thoughts and/or desires.

 

[spes_salvi]

You probably know that we cannot say that something is immoral, then later try to justify it because we find it uncomfortable to resist. In the end, whether something is right or wrong is independent of whether it is hard to practice or not. Remember that masturbation is not a sin because the Church says so, but because it is. As such, it offends God. You must therefore struggle to avoid it in conformity with your love for God. (I assume you love God, that’s why you obey the teachings he communicates to you through the Church.) Don’t feel isolated because the entire Church struggles with you and we can always count on God’s grace in this battle.

I agree that exercise and keeping yourself busy and occupied with other things is a good way to redirect your sexual energy. Work on improving your prayer life and frequent the sacraments.

God bless.

 

[JABA]

I am in a similar situation to you. Although, I am 27 year old man. I am in a position of forever giving up in finding a wife. Not that I can’t find a good wife, but I seriously think with my non conforming personality, goals in life, health, the direction the world is going in, they would interfere too much in maintaining to be a husband. There is just too much compromise one needs to do to be in a relationship, that it is just not worth it.

We have been created as sexual beings, but we not animals, where our main drive of our behavior and choices is based on instincts and carnal urges. We are humans who have been created with a high understanding and awareness of ourselves and the universe around us and the ability to make choices based on logic itself.

I am in situation opposite to you though. The longer I go without masturbating the better I feel, both physically and mentally.

Personally, the things that have helped me the most is to think how disgusting masturbation is and how I am disrespecting God and my own body.

 

[SAM_1]

If its just a sin " because its the way it is" it doesnt make any sence to my...Why? Who does it harm? It only makes sence in the religious context and because the church says its immoral I can accept it. Personally I would not look at it as a sin ( because it doesn`t harm anyone ) but because of my faith I try to follow the rules.

I try to be busy all the time and do a lot of workout but I just feel Im fooling myself. I try never to have sexual thoughts, I feel I have became more like an asexual person, because I feel this is the only way to keep the rules. If the problems comes, which normally happens after some months its not because of sexual thoughts, its more like I feel that my body is not in balance and Im like a bomb. I personally feel it`s not healthy.

Once again Im not trying to justify myself, its just an honest opinon and after years with following the rules I still cant understand how we can keep the sexual drive in balance when you arnt suppose to do or have any sexual thoughts at all.

 

[JABA]

If its just a sin " because its the way it is" it doesnt make any sence to my...Why? Who does it harm? It only makes sence in the religious context and because the church says its immoral I can accept it. Personally I would not look at it as a sin ( because it doesn`t harm anyone ) but because of my faith I try to follow the rules.

Masturbation is harmful to yourself from a psychosexual perspective and this can create problems for people wanting to enter in or who are in relationships. It is just like porn in many ways. Our sexuality was created to be both psychologically and physically expressed as a pro-creative and unitive loving bond between a man and woman. Masturbation is the total opposite. It’s a self-fish act of sexually stimulating one self. There is no love, no bond, no procreation or unity. This is the reason why many people suffer from depressive feelings after masturbation.

I try to be busy all the time and do a lot of workout but I just feel Im fooling myself. I try never to have sexual thoughts, I feel I have became more like an asexual person, because I feel this is the only way to keep the rules. If the problems comes, which normally happens after some months its not because of sexual thoughts, its more like I feel that my body is not in balance and Im like a bomb. I personally feel its not healthy.Once again Im not trying to justify myself, its just an honest opinon and after years with following the rules I still cant understand how we can keep the sexual drive in balance when you arn`t suppose to do or have any sexual thoughts at all.

There is nothing wrong in having sexual thoughts or feelings. It’s just like having thoughts of food and wanting to eat when hungry. These are all natural things we feel or think. If people had no sexual thoughts or feelings, relationships and marriage would not exist. There is a big difference between having sexual thoughts lingering in your mind and acting on them like masturbation.

Don’t stress over this, this will only lead to despair. The most important thing is resist temptation and try your best in avoiding masturbation. God knows, that people are under the influence hormones and sexual urges and slip ups may occur and that your tried your best. When this happens go to confession. God forgives those truly sorry for their sins and wanting repentance.

Why can’t you find a good husband?

 

[jackson3997]

Oh Sam how I feel your pain. I am a cradle catholic but didn’t take my faith seriously for a number of years. I’ve returned and I struggle with these same feelings of depression sometimes. Like one of the other posters said we are all struggling with you. I had this horrible addiction to masturbation for a long, long time, even while married. I knew it was wrong but I didn’t want to take the steps to help it, but finally with the help of the Holy Spirit and Our Most Blessed Mother it has gotten easier, although its still a struggle! And most likely will be until I die. It can be extremely hard to battle with, but not everything about being a serious, noncafeteria Catholic is easy and that’s part of what I love about being Catholic. We fight, we battle, we resist…We’re like the Marine Corps of all the Christian faiths. Sometimes we fall, (thank you, Lord Jesus for confession) and we get back up and fight again. Don’t give up the fight, offer up your difficulties to HIM. I don’t know if you pray the rosary regularly or not but if not do it! I credit that for helping me through. You know Our Lord said if its your hand that’s causing you to sin, cut it off…better to go through life maimed than lose your soul to ghenna, your eye pluck it out, etc etc. I know it no laughing matter but sometimes I laugh because if I literally did these things I would have been a bloody, blind, def stump before I got to age 15. The point is to do whatever it takes to avoid that which HE asked us not to do. Not because HE wants to torture us but to make us Holy. Also, we are never given more than we can handle, you’ve been doing so good for so many years…you are an inspiration to me and to many others to keep fighting the good fight. God Bless you, I will be praying for you, please do the same for me. Your not a robot, you love GOD and you will not feel better about yourself if you get trapped by this addiction.

 

[DexUK]

If you are satisfying your urges on your own, then by necessity of the act you are mentally directing your passions into yourself. Your problem is not the act itself, but your outlook on life as a whole.

Whether or not this act occurs infrequently, it is a barrier to a better interaction with the outside world.

If you feel worthless or ‘machine-like’ because you’re conducting your day-to-day life in what feels like a meaningless fashion, then satisfying sexual urges on one’s own will do nothing to solve the underlying problem - instead all you will be doing is distracting yourself and, what is worse, addicting yourself to the temporary high that it gives but which is not sustaining to you as a person.

Instead, take a look at the way in which you live your life. Identify the areas which are not fulfilling and consider discarding them or replacing them with something that is uplifting to your spirit. When you feel like you’re achieving something tangible in your life, or creating a legacy that you can leave behind you - at any time scale - then you will feel less ‘worthless’ and less tempted to satisfy your cravings with temporary but ultimately pointless pleasure.

Your enjoyment of life has to be found without, not within, otherwise you will simply exacerbate the problems you have now and that path simply leads to despair.

 

[St_Francis]

Sam, Maybe you need to find some other outlet for this drive–by this I mean that there is a lack in your life and the only way you think this lack in your life can be filled is through this one activity.

Do you participate in any of the corporal acts of mercy? Feeding the hungry, visiting the sick or imprisoned, etc? I think if you pray about it, God may let you know of some personal way that you can fill this need in a moral way. It may be something very different from the usual paths. It may be a change of career, for all I know.

When I was 32 or 33, I went through a period of agony because I wasn’t married, and someone gave me very similar advice. It helped me, and I hope it helps you.

 

[SAM_1]

To JABA: I cant find a good husband because I live in a very secular place. Many many men tells me how beautiful Im, some tells me I look like a model and all of them thinks Im a nice and good person but when it comes to my Catholic values they dont agree with me. They wouldnt commit with a person like this. In my area people mostly only live together or they only want a girlfriend,or they marry in the Protestantic church, so if you dont agree with this you will have a hard time .My choices are either to be with a man who destroy my Catholicism or no man at all. In my church there a couple of younger men ( which are married ) or only old people…so no chances there.
I have been abroad in strongly Catholic places but I only found cafeteria - Catholics which are agianst many things in the Catholic church ( totally value crash beetween me and them ). I found one man I liked very much which claimed to be very Catholic, but later I found out he is addicted to porn so I cut him off. He also didnt want to commit because he told me I lived far away, he told me I was perfect and a very good girl but he didnt like the distance ( which I see as an excuse and a sign that he is not the right for me) . So, not so easy

To jackson 3997: Thank you so much for nice words and I will pray for you too

 

[DexUK]

I found one man I liked very much which claimed to be very Catholic, but later I found out he is addicted to porn so I cut him off.

I am sorry that you felt that you had to cut the man off, especially considering the struggles that you are going through yourself since he would likely have been experiencing his struggles in much the same way. You could have been beneficial to each other.

In any case, you would be unlikely to find someone who was perfect - there was only ever one man who walked this planet who was, and he wasn’t looking to get married. Don’t look for perfection - instead look for how you can love and fulfil one another and grow together in the Lord.

 

[trk1]

Hi Sam!
20-year-old male here, so I know the frustration you can feel regarding sexual purity. You’re certainly not alone, and you’ll be in my prayers today. I go to a secular college where there are more athiests/agnostics than Catholics, and it can be quite challenging here too! The way to true happiness lies in living a holy life generous to the Lord. I noticed that daily Mass and good, frequent confessions helped a lot. Keep in mind that there are millions of religious who took vows of celibacy and aren’t masturbating.
God Bless.

 

[SAM_1]

To DexUK: Im not looking for perfection but I think the psychial attraction has to be there and for me peronally a person who doesnt go against my religion. Unfortunately all men I have met until now would do that ( very atheistic men ). When it comes to the man I liked it was more his choise to not commit by saying I lived far away, he didnt give me any chance. We kept little in touch after that but when I found out he had the porn - problem I didnt see any sence to keep in touch at all. I felt that his far - away explanation was more an excuse for maybe problems he has, because I really felt he liked me before that and he told me so too.
But he told me clearly he didnt want to commit to me ( beacuse of the distance ) so I couldnt do anything.

I also believe if this was the man God had sent to me we would get together anyway no matter what was said and done.I tried to guide him in the right way when we kept in touch, but he wouldnt stop. He hasnt contacted me for a year and I see he still do this porn stuff ( on FB ) so I guess it wasn`t meant to be.

 

[DexUK]

Ah well, in that case it was probably not meant to be.

But I would still reiterate my original statement that you need to find purpose and meaning in life rather than mechanically going through the motions…

I used to feel much the same way that you do: my life didn’t mean much and was just a series of the same routines, day in, day out, but gradually I began to appreciate my own worth and to recognise that I also had worth in the eyes of God. Now, although single (by choice, because I am still discerning a vocation to priesthood, even if it has taken many years thus far!) I still consider my life pretty satisfactory. I have friends, interests, hobbies. Yes I want to leave a legacy behind and a decision will need to be made at some point as to how I do that, but my exterior life is satisfying and it’s that which you need: the satisfaction of a life that is, on balance (after all, nobody is perfect), well lived.

 

[SAM_1]

To DexUK: I understand what you are saying and I feel I have a meaning of life in many ways: I have a job I like, I have hobbies, I travel a lot and I have friends ( though less and less as more are getting married and live their own life ). I help some older people sometimes, I visit my older parents often ( as I know they appreciate that ). But no matter how much I like my job or how fun I have on a trip etc. hormones are hormones and I have always felt that my vocation is to get married.

I also feel that the church doesnt do anything about the problem: They never mention us single people in the prayers, its a topic that never gets mentioned or discussed. So I feel quite lonely in the church, most of the things Ive learned about Catholicism I have found out by myself. I feel like its: If you are single you are not aloud to be a sexual person and the only advise you get is: pray, hope, etc. Well, easier said then done. After many years the result is mental problems in my case. I don`t even know If I have so much more energy to get involved in religious life than attending mass and pray 2 times a day. This is just how I feel honestly…

 

[clem456]

As others have said Sam, giving in to masturbation may seem like it will improve your life, but it won’t. It turns a person inward on themselves, not a good thing.

It’s hard to accept sufferiing.
I was single for many years and was not as chaste as you. Acting out sexually did nothing to improve my life. In fact if you believe you can have just a little taste of masturbation, and you abandon your efforts at chastity, you may find yourself enslaved by something more powerful that you (it is). I can tell you first hand, that is an awful experience. I was unable to accept discipline and suffering, could not see the value in it. Why should I suffer when I believe an act of relief will take the suffering away? So I chose to do things I believed were harmless and moderate, and became enslaved.

I always prayed that the torment of repressed sexual urges would leave me. Could not understand why God would allow it when I wanted it to go away. I came to the conclusion that God was not necessarily going to remove my sex drive and give me peace. What He wanted me to do was learn how to suffer. It sounds cruel but it is not. We must all learn how to sacrifice and suffer. Not that we wallow in it, but we must look for the good that God is bringing us through the suffering. It is there. Be patient with God and listen to what he is telling you through this trial. He wants you to spend an eternity in happiness with him, that makes our sexual suffering seem a little smaller.
I pray for you.

 

[Robert_Sock]

SAM_1, know that there are antidepressants (e.g. Paxil) that will greatly reduce your sex drive. You may want to talk to your doctor for something to reduce your libido.

 

[Robert_Sock]

This may also help:

CHAPTER 13 – On Resisting Temptations [The Imitation of Christ]

So long as we live in this world, we cannot remain without trial and temptation: as Job says, “Man’s life on earth is a warfare.” We must therefore be on guard against temptations, and watchful in prayer, that the Devil find no means of deceiving us; for he never rests, but prowls around seeking whom he may devour. No one is so perfect and holy that he is never tempted, and we can never be secure from temptation.

Although temptations are so troublesome and grievous, yet they are often profitable to us, for by them we are humbled, cleansed, and instructed. All the Saints endured manly trials and temptations, and profited by them; but those who could not resist temptations became reprobate, and fell away. There is no Order so holy, nor place so secluded, where there are no troubles and temptations.

No man can be entirely free from temptation so long as he lives; for the source of temptation lies within our own nature, since we are born with an inclination towards evil. When one temptation or trial draws to a close, another takes its place; and we shall always have something to fight, for man has lost the blessing of original happiness. Many try to escape temptations, only to encounter them more fiercely, for no one can win victory by flight alone; it is only by patience and true humility that we can grow stronger than all our foes.

The man who only avoids the outward occasions of evil, but fails to uproot it in himself, will gain little advantage. Indeed, temptations will return upon him the sooner, and he will find himself in a worse state than before. Little by little and by patient endurance you will overcome them by God’s help, better than by your own violence and importunity. Seek regular advice in temptation, and never deal harshly with those who are tempted, but give them such encouragement as you would value yourself.

The beginning of all evil temptation is an unstable mind and lack of trust in God. Just as a ship without a helm is driven to and fro by the waves, so a careless man, who abandons his proper course, is tempted in countless ways. Fire tempers steel, and temptation the just man. We often do not know what we can bear, but temptation reveals our true nature. We need especially to be on our guard at the very onset of temptation, for then the Enemy may be more easily overcome, if he is not allowed to enter the gates of the mind: he must be repulsed at the threshold, as soon as he knocks. Thus the poet Ovid writes, “Resist at the beginning; the remedy may come too late.” For first there comes into the mind an evil thought: next, a vivid picture: then delight, and urge to evil, and finally consent. In this way the Enemy gradually gains complete mastery, when he is not resisted at first. And the longer a slothful man delays resistance, the weaker he becomes, and the stronger his enemy grows against him.

Some people undergo their heaviest temptations at the beginning of their conversion; some towards the end of their course; others are greatly troubled all their lives; while there are some whose temptations are but light. This is in accordance with the wisdom and justice of God’s ordinance, who weighs the condition and merits of every man, and disposes all things for the salvation of those whom He chooses.

We must not despair, therefore, when we are tempted, but earnestly pray God to grant us his help in every need. For, as Saint Paul says, “With the temptation, God will provide a way to overcome it, that we may be able to bear bear it.” So, let us humble ourselves under the hand of God, in every trial and trouble, for He will save and raise up the humble in Spirit. In all these trials, our progress is tested; in them great merit may be secured, and our virtue become evident. It is no great matter if we are devout and fervent when we have no troubles; but if we show patience in adversity, we can make great progress in virtue. Some are spared severe temptations, but are overcome in the lesser ones of every day, in order that they may be humble, and learn not to trust in themselves, but to recognize their frailty.

 

[StarOfTheSea83]

I will pray for your strength. Christ has given you this trial. If you do have a calling to be married, then keep praying and He will provide, but you must try your best to remain pure and not sin in this way. Yes, good Catholic men are often hard to find, but it’s certainly not impossible as this board alone (with many single, faithful Catholic men posting) demonstrates. Have you spoken with your priest about this?
God bless, and you will be in my prayers.