Honesty/disclosure to adult children

[TheRealJuliane]

As my son and I were chatting this afternoon, he asked me out of the blue, “How long did you and Dad date?”

I told him, “Well, we dated, then broke up, then got back together, then broke up, then finally stayed together…so it’s kind of hard to figure.”

He asked, “Years?” “Probably, yeah.” Then he asked,

“Did you live together?”

“Yes, we did.”

He said he doesn’t think that is so bad, but then I told him that I still regret it and that it is sinful. He tried to give me an out by saying, “Well if you have separate rooms…” I just looked at him and I think he got the message. I then told him that his father and I were lapsed Catholics at the time and we weren’t thinking in terms of sin. So now I’ve admitted not only did we shack up, but that we were lapsed! Ack.

He knows I smoked pot in high school (yes, he asked) and now this.

How do you handle direct questions from your older teens or adult children? Our older son has never asked me direct questions like that. I can’t lie, so I guess I’m going to need to come up with some kind of way to deal with it. What if he asks if I was a virgin before we got married?

Is it better to just be open about your mistakes? I really don’t want him to think of me as the loser I’ve been! It’s painful to think that all the things I am telling him NOT to do, I’ve done and then some! (

I don’t know how to bring the subject back up in order to explain how bad it is to have sex before marriage, how you don’t respect the person if you don’t wait. How shacking up puts you at terrible risk for not staying together. Should I, or should I just let it go for now? His father and I are unusual in that we have managed to stay together - the stats are not great for shack-ups to stay married.

How much disclosure have you had to do with your own young adult children? What did you tell them and what was their reaction? How did it change your relationship? Did it help them understand your parenting? Or are you going to keep everything under wraps? I mean, I want my sons to know I’m human and have made mistakes, but I don’t know how much information they need to know and how much I want them to know about my (our) past.

I’m feeling really crummy right now, like I crossed a line without thinking about it. Sometimes I just don’t know about myself. I better never have any military secrets, or we’re doomed…

 

[LilyM]

I think honesty isn’t always a bad thing - you seem to have been on the right track with ‘yes we did it, but it was wrong and now we wish we hadn’t’.

Perhaps tell your son if your pre-marital canoodling caused problems for you (often it does), without going into gory detail about it.

 

[DeniseNY]

I can’t speak as a parent, but I think that if there’s a situation your adult child is dealing with and you think the benefit of your experience can help them, then disclosure is fine. I’m not sure; however, that I think that children have a general right to know all the details of their parents “prior lives”. Even parents are entitled to privacy!

 

[faithfully]

s it better to just be open about your mistakes? I really don’t want him to think of me as the loser I’ve been! It’s painful to think that all the things I am telling him NOT to do, I’ve done and then some! (

A loser is someone who never gets their act together. Nor do they care to.

Sometimes it’s good to be able to speak from exerience. Not only can you say this wasn’t good, but you actually have exprieneced why.

I think it’s important to let your children be aware you are human. And not try to establish some unattainable goal of perfection. We all sin. So, all of us have something we’ve done that we encourage our children not to do as well.

And if you’re not prepared to talk to your child about something I think it’s ok to tell them you’d like to get back to him on that. Ask why he wants to know. Etc.

 

[LilyM]

Speaking as a child of parents who are rarely if ever open to discussing their mistakes with me - it’s your child who might well end up feeling like a loser if they get the idea that you never did or thought about doing anything wrong.

Like the other poster has said, doesn’t mean you have to let it all hang out, but a bit of judicious disclosure at the right times can have a real impact. Aren’t we all compelled by the stories of reformed sinners like St Paul and St Augustine? Saints with feet of clay like the notoriously bad-tempered St Jerome?

Can most of us not relate to them much more so than the slightly goody-two-shoes saints like Maria Goretti?

 

[mt_gooseberry]

Maybe a good way to approach it would be, “Take it from me–I’ve lived the sinful life of a lapsed Catholic as well as my present life as a I-try-hard-to-be-good Catholic and I can tell you from personal experience that the good Catholic life is much better!” Then maybe give examples to illustrate your point?

 

[robwar]

sounds like you were very caught of guard by the questions. It seems like you honestly answered them even though it was painful and hard. You also can point out that God has forgiven you and changed your life and no matter what you did in the past, that God has done great things for you. sometimes I think that how God has changed us and forgiven us gets lost when we review the past and feel bad about it. You can always say that you don’t wish to discuss details but that God has turned your life around and that our focus should be moving forward and not dwelling on the past. You can make the case to him that living together be fore marriage was a very unstable and you and your husband constantly fought and broke up and that this is not the way to a stable marriage and not to do your mistakes.

 

[maryjk]

How do you handle direct questions from your older teens or adult children? Our older son has never asked me direct questions like that. I can’t lie, so I guess I’m going to need to come up with some kind of way to deal with it. What if he asks if I was a virgin before we got married?

My son isn’t an adult yet, but he knows that I was not a “practicing Catholic” before he was born. I hope that helps to pave the way when it comes time to explain my past.

And it might come sooner than I think. My sister will be visiting this summer and she doesn’t think anything of bringing up my past. She still isn’t practicing her faith, so she doesn’t think it is important.

I think honesty isn’t always a bad thing - you seem to have been on the right track with ‘yes we did it, but it was wrong and now we wish we hadn’t’.

Perhaps tell your son if your pre-marital canoodling caused problems for you (often it does), without going into gory detail about it.

It didn’t cause any problems for us. We lived together for 2 years and have been married for 20. Although our marriage may not be perfect, I don’t know what I could change to get it that way.

 

[maltmom]

I think you did an amazing job answering his questions. Especially since he asked you out of the blue. Good going.

I think you should always be honest. Tell them only as much as they can handle and discuss it in context of your faith. Which it sounds like you did. Obviously, unless you lived away from your families, everyone in the family knows that you lived together b/f your marriage. At some point the truth may come out, when you least expect it, and if you’ve lied then where do you stand with your children.

I remember when my nephew was a young teen my brother told him to always remember that there isn’t anything that he could ever think of doing that either he or his mother may have done, his uncle may have done and certainly his aunt has done eek.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for the feedback, dear friends! It helps a lot! Thank God for CAF!

I tell you what, when your kids are little, you think it’s difficult…But once they get older, it’s REALLY difficult…for completely different reasons. Stuff like this - and when they get their heart broken, get hurt, make mistakes, make BIG mistakes, etc. - is the test of fire for parents.

I feel like I’m walking on tightrope over Niagara Falls when it comes to my sons and stuff like this. What do they need to know? How can I tell them about my past without making it seem as if, “Well, Mom did that, and she’s OK now, so…why can’t I do it?”

Then there’s my husband - what would he want them to know? I have to step carefully there too and not spew something that would hurt his relationship with them or cause him embarrassment.

Yes, we did have problems when we shacked up - we broke up once, then tried again. We didn’t fight all the time but I am convinced that our prior history really has impacted our marriage. At least to me, my husband never had the respect for me because I had so little respect for myself. That’s something you can’t go back and re-create, either. We didn’t start out that way, and there aren’t any do-overs.

 

[maltmom]

It sounds like it’s time for a sit down with your DH and find out what he thinks about the subject. Knowing you though I’m sure you’re already planning to do so that way you can both be on the same page.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Speaking as a child of parents who are rarely if ever open to discussing their mistakes with me -** it’s your child who might well end up feeling like a loser if they get the idea that you never did or thought about doing anything wrong.**

Like the other poster has said, doesn’t mean you have to let it all hang out, but a bit of judicious disclosure at the right times can have a real impact. Aren’t we all compelled by the stories of reformed sinners like St Paul and St Augustine?** Saints with feet of clay like the notoriously bad-tempered St Jerome?**

Can most of us not relate to them much more so than the slightly goody-two-shoes saints like Maria Goretti?

Thank you for this! It’s a very valid point. If I were truly honest about my past, my son would feel 100% better about any mistakes he’s made!

“Wow, Mom really was a stoner/slut/loser! I feel great, I only slept with one girl, while Mom was totally promiscuous!” LOL

Yes, I can relate to the saints with a history. St. Paul, St. Augustine. Well, I have the history all right, but no sainthood in sight…

St. Jerome had a nasty temper? I had no idea!

 

[L_piperatus]

Juliane, I second those saying that you are a good mom and you did a fine job dealing with the situation.

Your son may still be dealing with the emotional aftermath of his own failed relationship (I remember from your posts that he was intimate with his gf, and then his gf dumped him and broke his heart), and he seems like he is honestly searching and needs some honest answers. Probably that’s why he asked this question out of the blue, about whether you lived together with your dh before marriage.

I actually regard it as an extremely positive sign, that your son is close enough to you to have the trust and courage to ask some difficult questions and to speak his own mind, even if you do happen to disagree on certain things. He honestly told you that he doesn’t think living together is such a bad thing, and you honestly told him in reply that you do regret living together with your dh before marriage, even if you didn’t end up breaking up with each other. Your son probably has a painful memory of breaking up with the girl whom he loved and with whom he was intimate. Now he got some perspective from someone else (well, from you) whose life took a different course, someone who married and stayed together with the person she cohabited with, and still, you say that you regret living together before marriage.

I think you had a fine conversation and you accomplished what needed to be accomplished now - a good honest discussion and exchange of ideas about some difficult/sensitive/painful subjects. You planted some seeds in your son’s mind. You don’t have to expect those seeds magically growing into a tree and bearing fruit overnight. Give it time. And give thanks to God that you have such a good, open relationship with your son, that he is not too embarrassed to approach you with such questions like these, and that you can discuss these things together.

 

[LilyM]

Thank you for this! It’s a very valid point. If I were truly honest about my past, my son would feel 100% better about any mistakes he’s made!

“Wow, Mom really was a stoner/slut/loser! I feel great, I only slept with one girl, while Mom was totally promiscuous!” LOL

Yes, I can relate to the saints with a history. St. Paul, St. Augustine. Well, I have the history all right, but no sainthood in sight…

St. Jerome had a nasty temper? I had no idea!

No I don’t mean it in the sense of ‘yay, green light to sin’ :nope:

I mean in the sense that ‘yeah Mum made mistakes, but she regrets them, she learned from them, turned her life around etc - I guess it means there’s hope that I can learn and recover from this too.’

As opposed to ‘gee, Mum never did anything wrong. She won’t ever understand me/she must really hate me/I must be a really awful/dumb person for making a mistake/it’s hopeless even trying to do the right thing etc’ which is how I have sometimes felt

 

[Et_Cetera]

I would respect you for your honesty. It’s better to be honest than to lie and have him find out the truth by some other means. He would probably lose respect for you if that were the case.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

No I don’t mean it in the sense of ‘yay, green light to sin’ :nope:

I mean in the sense that ‘yeah Mum made mistakes, but she regrets them, she learned from them, turned her life around etc - I guess it means there’s hope that I can learn and recover from this too.’

As opposed to ‘gee, Mum never did anything wrong. She won’t ever understand me/she must really hate me/I must be a really awful/dumb person for making a mistake/it’s hopeless even trying to do the right thing etc’ which is how I have sometimes felt

I will act as your substitute Mum! I have done everything! I have been the woman at the well only without benefit of marriage! And you, too, can recover, because I did! Or, I am working on it!



I really, REALLY appreciate your answer. If I think of it in this way, I think my experiences are not something to be ashamed of, but they can actually help my sons not to stumble in the same ways that I have.

 

[LilyM]

I will act as your substitute Mum! I have done everything! I have been the woman at the well only without benefit of marriage! And you, too, can recover, because I did! Or, I am working on it!



I really, REALLY appreciate your answer. If I think of it in this way, I think my experiences are not something to be ashamed of, but they can actually help my sons not to stumble in the same ways that I have.

Aww, thanks :grouphug:

I have four older sisters, and know at least some of what they’ve gotten up to, which helps as well

 

[Kelfa28]

It’s nice to see threads like this because I’m dreading the day my daughter grows up and decides it’s a good idea to shack up with her boyfriend.

I’m waiting for a comment like “well, you and Dad did and it worked out…so why can’t I?”

It’s very, very tough because my family seems to have proven the “shaking up” concept wrong.

My sister and her husband shacked up for several years and have been married for 5 years.

My own parents shacked up for 3 years and have been happily married for almost 30.

My husband’s parents didn’t shack up and are divorced!

At the end of the day, I didn’t even know that shacking up was a sin until I started looking to rekindle my faith in the Catholic church.

Saying I was shocked is a clear understatement.

So, despite knowing that shacking up and sliding into marriage is not a good thing but a very sinful thing will be difficult…I don’t know anyone, besides my deceased grandparents, that didn’t shack up…

 

[Julia_Mae]

I’m feeling really crummy right now, like I crossed a line without thinking about it. Sometimes I just don’t know about myself. I better never have any military secrets, or we’re doomed…

I had to think about this a lot with my daughter because my past is very likely more “checkered” than yours. Here’s my decision:

My sex life is none of anyone’s business but mine. You make your (“you” being my daughter) decisions and you take all the responsibility. Except: there will be no abortions. Not at 15, 27 or 41. You don’t want the kid, I’ll take it. Have any questions or need information, ask.

I never asked my daughter about her sex life. I answered any question she asked.

She is almost 40 now. Her constant position in reference to me is: “My mother has no orifices below her neck.”

I think we may share some similarities in background and being “sexualized” at an inappropriately young age may be one of them. It causes us to sometimes not realize where the boundaries are. As for your conversation with your son: if not taken by surprise you might have chosen differently. But, even if you decide objectively it was an error, you didn’t lie to him. That’s like, the most critical thing of all.

Yer a good mom, no beating yourself up.

 

[prayforus9]

I am so similar! I speak the honest truth without thinking anything through! I think you handled it well though. Everyone has a different way of handling personal past information, every family is different.

Personally, if my husband and I are ever blessed with children, I think we’d keep most information to ourselves. We’d tell them a few things, but it might just cross a particular line. We’re so prudent and wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing such information to our future children.

I guess I won’t know how I’ll react unless it happens someday of course… I will continue to pray lol…

God Bless!

As my son and I were chatting this afternoon, he asked me out of the blue, “How long did you and Dad date?”

I told him, “Well, we dated, then broke up, then got back together, then broke up, then finally stayed together…so it’s kind of hard to figure.”

He asked, “Years?” “Probably, yeah.” Then he asked,

“Did you live together?”

“Yes, we did.”

He said he doesn’t think that is so bad, but then I told him that I still regret it and that it is sinful. He tried to give me an out by saying, “Well if you have separate rooms…” I just looked at him and I think he got the message. I then told him that his father and I were lapsed Catholics at the time and we weren’t thinking in terms of sin. So now I’ve admitted not only did we shack up, but that we were lapsed! Ack.

He knows I smoked pot in high school (yes, he asked) and now this.

How do you handle direct questions from your older teens or adult children? Our older son has never asked me direct questions like that. I can’t lie, so I guess I’m going to need to come up with some kind of way to deal with it. What if he asks if I was a virgin before we got married?

Is it better to just be open about your mistakes? I really don’t want him to think of me as the loser I’ve been! It’s painful to think that all the things I am telling him NOT to do, I’ve done and then some! (

I don’t know how to bring the subject back up in order to explain how bad it is to have sex before marriage, how you don’t respect the person if you don’t wait. How shacking up puts you at terrible risk for not staying together. Should I, or should I just let it go for now? His father and I are unusual in that we have managed to stay together - the stats are not great for shack-ups to stay married.

How much disclosure have you had to do with your own young adult children? What did you tell them and what was their reaction? How did it change your relationship? Did it help them understand your parenting? Or are you going to keep everything under wraps? I mean, I want my sons to know I’m human and have made mistakes, but I don’t know how much information they need to know and how much I want them to know about my (our) past.

I’m feeling really crummy right now, like I crossed a line without thinking about it. Sometimes I just don’t know about myself. I better never have any military secrets, or we’re doomed…