Honor parents??

[Guitar]

Is pointing out their bad behavior wrong?
Does “honoring” my parents mean doing what they wish, despite them hurting me, my wife, and my son?

Nope, and no sir.

My acid test for what’s acceptable is to ask myself whether I’d tolerate it from a work colleague, the man next door or my best friend. If not, I do not (within reason) have to take it from family members either. If you wouldn’t let the next-door neighbour make your little boy cry, humiliate you or criticise your wife, why should your parents be allowed to?

Laying down reasonable boundaries for acceptable behaviour, doing so in a calm and respectful manner, and then providing for your parents’ physical and emotional needs as best you can within those boundaries falls within the bounds of “honoring”, for what my opinion’s worth.

I don’t see it as dishonouring them to say, “Mum, Dad, we love you and want to spend time with you/help you round the house/whatever but I must tell you that X is not acceptable to us and please understand that I will not ask my wife and son to put up with it and we will leave if it occurs.”

I know how hard it is to stay calm!

 

[saddened_soul]

I’m seeking advice on what “honoring” my parents means. I am an adult, late 30’s with a beautiful wife and son. I have been an elementary school teacher for 12 years, and my wife gave up her dream job to stay at home and raise our son. When our son was about 3 1/2 she started a part-time business that allows her to make her own schedule, which means that she only works if our son is in school or I am home.

My parents live 1/2 hour away, yet they choose to not visit their only grandson. They never call to invite him to events, and only occassionally do they see him. Honestly, that’s OK with me, and my wife, but we are constantly criticized for not taking him to visit them at there house. The last time we took him to their house at his request, we got a letter in the mail that afternoon suggesting that we were somehow preventing him from visiting. Ironic no?

At the last two extended family interactions, my parents managed to do things that made one of their grandchildren cry. First time was one of my nieces, the other weekend it was my son. My wife and I have tried to explain how some of the things they do are hurtful to us, and to our son. Yet our requests are ignored by them, and we are constanly “the bad guys” for not “Honoring my mother & father.”

My wife I believe in protecting our son from harm, and believe that some of the actions by my parents are harmful to him (and us). My parents did help us financially a few years ago, (teacher & stay at home mom), but they routinely throw it in our face.

I read something the other day about one way for adults to honor their parents is “to become adults that do good deeds in our world.” I think teaching for the last 10 years of my career at a low income elementary school shows a certain level of commitment to doing good deeds. Yet I’ve never heard my parents tell me they respect what I do for a living. In fact for my last birthday, my mother gave me a book, and put a bookmark in a section about “living up to my potential” as if being a teacher isn’t good enough.

Is pointing out their bad behavior wrong?
Does “honoring” my parents mean doing what they wish, despite them hurting me, my wife, and my son?

Any and all advice on ways to “honor” my parents given the bad blood, and hurtful actions (both ways as I am no longer innocent, I sometimes fight back )

 

[Newzie52]

As you now have a wife and child, your first responsibility is to them. You are your own family now. It sounds as if you have made moral, responsible choices for your family (stay at home mom, trying to protect your child, etc.) Sometimes parents don’t respect the choices made by their adult children, and it sounds as if this is the case in your situation. They apparently equate high income with having reached one’s “potential”, don’t place value on your very selfless profession, and turn a deaf ear to your concerns about your son. I would choose to see them only on your terms. They are likely too set in their ways to change; it is time to stop worrying about what they think. They seem to regard “honor they father and mother” as a convenient weapon to use against you, which is neither Christian nor fair.

 

[SMHW]

Let me start out by saying that the best way to honor parents is to be an honorable child. You honor your parents by doing what is right. If your parents are happy or pleased with you because of it then that is their reward. If they are unhappy about it then that is their problem. But they are still honored.

So what is ‘right’?

As a married man with a child you must put your wife’s and child’s needs ahead of your parents’ needs. You do need to be concerned about the true needs of your parents but their wants come after the wants of your wife and child.

Now it is a perfectly reasonable request on the part of grandparents to want to spend time with their grandchildren and an adult child should want to accommodate the grandparents as much as is reasonable. When normal grandparents make a request that is beyond the limits of feasibility (which most will) then the entire family talks it out and comes to an agreement that all can live with. In the case of unreasonable grandparents, the adult child must decide what is feasible (if anything) and stick to that plan without the agreements of the grandparents. In no case must the grandchild be allowed to be left alone with destructive grandparents. If they are especially destructive then the grandchild must not be with them at all. The adult child must never allow his spouse to be a scape-goat.

It sounds to me like you are honoring your parents,

You seem to be a decent guy so they must have done something right. Thank your parents for what they did right raising you. (Be very specific so they see that what you do right is a result of their good parenting.) As much as possible overlook what is bad. The best of parents make mistakes with their adult children and still try to parent them. But protect your wife and child.

 

[duskyjewel]

Tolerating and buckling under to immoral behavior is not honoring anyone. Allowing your parents to behave badly and hurt people just because they are your parents is not honoring them, and it would be immoral for you to do so.

Sometimes honoring someone means tactfully and compassionately pointing out, in private, where they are wrong. Admonishing the sinner is a spiritual work of mercy.

It is not dishonoring your parents to protect innocent children from their meanness. If they refuse to stop hurting their grandkids, it may be that contact has to be limited or stopped until they can bring themselves to behave properly. Maybe that will be the motivation they need to reevaluate themselves and their behavior.

Along with telling us that we need to honor our parents, the Bible also says that parents should live a life worthy of honor, and not make the children’s part of the bargain overly difficult or impossible to fulfill. Go back and read those portions that discuss this, and you will see what I mean.

In any case, especially for adult children but also sometimes for minors, honoring parents has NEVER meant blind obedience. Doing something immoral or supporting immoral behavior is never an option.

 

[MCGar]

It sounds like your parents still believe that they supposed to actively parent their adult children. It looks like it hasn’t occured to them that they are not supposed to do this.
It also looks like slight enmeshment and narcissistic qualities are coming to light now that you have your child to think about.

I strongly suggest getting Gregory Popchacks book which I think is titled These people are driving me nuts! , he gives a Catholic approach with dealing with these sorts of situations.

Also I would pick up Toxic Parents I’ve only heard of this book but I’ve heard tons about it. It’ll help you ‘talk’ to your parents in a different way that you are accustomed to. It will put you in charge of the conversation.

Last but not least I would google mother in law and check out the most popular message board on the subject. There are tons of married couples going through the exact same thing.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I strongly suggest getting Gregory Popchacks book which I think is titled These people are driving me nuts! , he gives a Catholic approach with dealing with these sorts of situations.

I not only heartily endorse this book, God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, I give away copies when I can find them cheap on ebay and Half.com. In fact, I am giving one to a father-of-sorts, a priest, who thinks we must forgive unconditionally, without any expectation of satisfaction that physical wrongs done to us will not be done to us (or ours) in the future. Needless to say, Dr. Popcak does not agree, and shows how this goes against Catholic teaching.

You will like it, and more importanly, it will help you deal with your parents. Dr. Popcak is also available for phone counseling at www.exceptionalmarriages.com