I needed so badly to hear that you said there is no requirement to continue the abusive relationship. I am on the brink of making the decision never to see or speak to my father again. But I’m so scared that Jesus won’t forgive me if I do this. I’d like to tell you some of the things my father has said to me over the years to help you understand my situation and to hear feedback on my question, which is, “Can I finally break off my “relationship” with my father without offending Jesus and jeopardizing my soul?”
My father has been emotionally abusive to me my entire life, and I am now about to turn 48. I believe that the abuse is responsible for the depression I have suffered with since my early twenties. He has called me fat, stupid and lazy; has told me that my brother is smarter than I am, and once when I got a job that I was really proud of and called to tell him about it, he told me that my brother should have gotten the job. Once at Christmas dinner at my grandparents’ house, as we were walking into the dining room, he remarked out loud, “Your butt is as wide as a barn door!” The hurt and humiliation were compounded when none of my relatives came to my defense–they remained silent. I was silent too, because I couldn’t even process the fact that he could be so cruel to me. Once when he was helping me check out my car to see if everything was functioning correctly, he told me to turn on the bright lights. I hesitated for a moment because I had forgotten how to to the brights on. He immediately began screaming at me–his words were, “I TOLD YOU TO TURN ON THE BRIGHTS! WHAT, ARE YOU STUPID?” At that moment, I finally got the nerve to tell him NEVER to call me stupid again. His response was to fly into a rage that was so frightening I was afraid he would physically hurt me. He screamed at the top of his lungs (now realize, we were in the driveway in our neighborhood when all this was happening) for me to shut up and get my *** in the house. I was so shocked and scared that I did what he said. When we got in the house, he was still in a rage and told me just to leave, which I did gladly. He was also abusive to my grandmother. When she was in a nursing home, several months before her passing, she was depressed and agitated. My father spoke to her in the most hateful, harsh tones and I just couldn’t take it any more and I snapped. I wanted to tell him off but was afraid to offend Jesus, so I yelled, “Daddy, I love you but I hate the way you talk to Granny!” His response was to yell in a hateful tone of voice, “I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK!!!” I left the nursing home immediately after that. I knew he was beyond any kind of help and I didn’t care anymore. But it gets worse. One time, I was talking to my dad on the phone and he was criticizing me relentlessly. I told him that I shouldn’t have to take that from him and he yelled at me that I was too sensitive. Then he said the words that hurt me to the depth of my soul. He said: “You know, I NEVER LIKED YOU.” And suddenly it dawned on me. I had always known that he never liked me. Even from my earliest memories as a little girl, I knew that. And then I realized why I’ve suffered from depression all of my adult life. I have constantly tried to earn the approval of my father and have never been good enough for him. I’ve longed to be married, but I’ve never been able to have a healthy relationship with a man because I’m always afraid I’ll never be good enough for him. I’ve never had confidence at work because I have believed my father’s lies that I’m not smart. I’ve let him poison my entire life. This April, I had to quit my job because I was in such a deep depression that I couldn’t function anymore and was thinking about harming myself. I sold my house and moved in with my mother because I was too afraid to live alone. (My parents divorced when I was 14.) I have recovered from my depression, but during the time I was so sick, my father never called me to ask how I was or to even say he was sorry that I was going through so much pain. I saw him once during that time, and the most he said to me about it was that he thought I should try to get on disability so I would have some extra money. My father doesn’t call me or acknowledge my birthday and hasn’t for years, which all started when I got up the nerve once to tell him he needed to stop criticizing and controlling me. I have tried over the years to forget and forgive, and I have taken this to confession many times. I have tried to have some semblance of a relationship with him, but I have to ask myself–does Jesus want me to keep taking this? Doesn’t Jesus love me enough to want me to stop letting my father treat me this way? I am thinking of sitting down with my father and telling him that I don’t want any kind of relationship with him any more. And at this point, I am questioning whether Jesus would even expect me to provide any kind of care for him at all if and when he becomes old, frail and sick. (He is now 76 and healthy.) I know that I have to forgive him and I have done so many, many times. But it’s becoming harder and I don’t know if I can continue to forgive him since he feels no conviction to stop the abuse. Please help me.
