Honor thy mother and father...the tough love vers

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1990Domer

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I grew up in a family where one of my parents–my mom–had an undiagnosed mental illness. I suffered through her rages, his physical and emotional abuse for as long as I can remember. The worst part was the silent treatment she would give me during my formative years. My dad mostly suppressed his feelings and gave me little support so as to avoid another rage and more silent treatment.

Eventually she would end her rage/silent treatment, but it could take weeks, months or years. Often, I never knew what caused the rages. The most trivial thing could set her off in a second. She would then blame her “nerves” and not take responsibility for her actions. Prior to yesterday, her last rage was Thanksgiving 2015. I warned her that if this happened again and she didn’t get some mental treatment, I would put up severe boundaries because I can no longer hide her rages from DS. I also can’t hide the effects each session of raging has had on me. Each cycle of rage and silent treatment is a stab in the back for me, and distant, unpleasant memories came rushing back.

Well, yesterday, my mom raged at me again. I can’t even tell what triggered this rage. She cut me off from my dad, who will not speak up to her, and will hang up the phone when I want to talk to my dad. As an aside, my mom always answers the phone, and my dad won’t challenge her. My parents are 89 and 86 years old. Their health isn’t the greatest. I am convinced that they will pass with me being out of touch with them.

So, I set boundaries by blocking their home number and untangling anything in my life that may be connected to them. As an obedient daughter, I could profusely apologize for something I didn’t do. However, this time I have to stay strong for my son.

Honoring my parents in this way is tough love and not being an emotional punching bag. It may allow them (both parents) some help on how to handle this horrible situation. I hope this post can be helpful to someone. God bless.
 
A very sensible confessor once told me that sometimes the best way to love someone is to keep them from sinning against you by using you as a punching bag, whether emotional or otherwise. I quite agree.
 
If you know, in your heart, you are not acting out of spite and vengeance, I believe you are doing what you need to do. It sounds like something that you have had to come to terms with over a lifetime. And now you have your own children to think of.

I’m sure, in your heart, you will find ways to express your honor to them. And opposing their faults is a way to do so.

I do realize there is a very real aspect of the relationship of a son/daughter to their mother/father that calls for a special reverence. I certainly fail at being perfect in this, but I also have a degree of this reverence. How can a Christian not? There are certain things you just don’t say to a parent. Sometimes we can express something, hoping that they will hear and see, but we also have to listen and see what they are saying and doing. We are to learn from them, even if they are acting wrongly.

I wish the best for you and your mother/father. Look to your heart (that Christ nourishes) for guidance. He will give you peace and understanding. But not always happiness.
 
Bless you, I am struggling with a similar situation. My mom has an undiagnosed mental condition also. She only raged once or twice. But she’s the master at manipulating through gas lighting, withholding love, and speaking in such a way that sounds reasonable, but really is manipulative and controlling.

It’s difficult because on the one hand, we want to be “good children” and honor and take care of our parent(s). But on the other hand, it often leaves us open to being abused again. I will pray for you.
 
Thank you for the responses. Forever Joy, I am sorry to hear of your situation. When my mom is raging, there is no reasoning with her. I will simply be called a liar. My son heard her rage at me through the phone and was scared of her.

I have been in therapy for years concerning this behavior. While I offer my help, it only gets rejected when she is raging. The real difference this time is that my son is now horribly afraid of her (he has mild Aspergers) and scared for me. While there is no physical threat like there used to be, the emotional threat comes back in full force remembering all the past times.

I consider this, I guess, a reality check on their part. We have not made a strict ultimatum with them (I include my dad because he enables her behavior by telling me to forget about it. Sadly, that response doesn’t help when you have years of this type of behavior.

I will hand this over to God. At this point, I just want to keep my son happy and not allow him to be involved in this mess.

Thank you for all the prayers and replies. I will also pray for you and take your intentions to Adoration tomorrow.
 
1990Domer said:
I grew up in a family where one of my parents–my mom–had an undiagnosed mental illness. I suffered through her rages, his physical and emotional abuse for as long as I can remember. The worst part was the silent treatment she would give me during my formative years. My dad mostly suppressed his feelings and gave me little support so as to avoid another rage and more silent treatment.

Eventually she would end her rage/silent treatment, but it could take weeks, months or years. Often, I never knew what caused the rages. The most trivial thing could set her off in a second. She would then blame her “nerves” and not take responsibility for her actions. Prior to yesterday, her last rage was Thanksgiving 2015. I warned her that if this happened again and she didn’t get some mental treatment, I would put up severe boundaries because I can no longer hide her rages from DS. I also can’t hide the effects each session of raging has had on me. Each cycle of rage and silent treatment is a stab in the back for me, and distant, unpleasant memories came rushing back.

Well, yesterday, my mom raged at me again. I can’t even tell what triggered this rage. She cut me off from my dad, who will not speak up to her, and will hang up the phone when I want to talk to my dad. As an aside, my mom always answers the phone, and my dad won’t challenge her. My parents are 89 and 86 years old. Their health isn’t the greatest. I am convinced that they will pass with me being out of touch with them.

So, I set boundaries by blocking their home number and untangling anything in my life that may be connected to them. As an obedient daughter, I could profusely apologize for something I didn’t do. However, this time I have to stay strong for my son.

Honoring my parents in this way is tough love and not being an emotional punching bag. It may allow them (both parents) some help on how to handle this horrible situation. I hope this post can be helpful to someone. God bless.
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Wow. Firstly let me say that I was moved by your post, impressed with your ability to see the situation so clearly, and broken-hearted that this is your situation. You have my prayers.
I can’t tell you what to do but based on what you wrote I can offer you support that you are acting incredibly morally and wisely.
 
@Hoosier Daddy,

Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate them. I blame my insecurities on my family of origin. You know the famous definition of insanity. Well, that was me. But I made a promise that once DS figured things.out, I would have to pprortect him.

I cry a lot, but I am trying my best to stay strong.

I appreciate everyone on this board!
 
1990Domer said:
@Hoosier Daddy,

Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate them. I blame my insecurities on my family of origin. You know the famous definition of insanity. Well, that was me. But I made a promise that once DS figured things.out, I would have to pprortect him.

I cry a lot, but I am trying my best to stay strong.

I appreciate everyone on this board!
Click to expand...
Sometimes our children help US take better care of ourselves. I have two children, and through them I learned that by protecting them from the worst of my mother, ended up helping to protect me too.

I was also in therapy for several years, working through personal issues that developed because of my childhood. I told the counselor to please, PLEASE tell me if I had a personality problem so that I could deal with it and not damage my children. My therapist leaned forward and said “Oh honey, you’re fine. You’re just normally disfunctional.” :egyptian:

It’s hard, but as long as you are making your decisions from a position of love, you’ll be fine.
 
Thank you again everyone! I actually want them in our lives. However, my son is now scared of my mom (as I was as a child). He has every reason to be!

Right now, even if I tried to offer an olive branch, I would either have the phone call cut off or, if I visited, have the door slammed in my face. So, I have always tried over the years to do the right thing. It’s very sad. Sadly I don’t see a resolution this time around because it’s hard for people with her condition to accept therapy.

I can always pray and hope.

God bless.
 
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