Honor thy Mother and Father?

[marybee]

There doesn’t seem to be much middle ground on your options. Why can’t they see the boyfriend unless they are married? I can see not wanting the kids over at their house, but not letting him come over and meet the kids until they tie the knot seems a bit strange!

 

[Jeanette_L]

There doesn’t seem to be much middle ground on your options. Why can’t they see the boyfriend unless they are married? I can see not wanting the kids over at their house, but not letting him come over and meet the kids until they tie the knot seems a bit strange!

THANK YOU!

(ok, I’m done now, moving on. )

 

[Sr_Sally]

I would draw the line in a different place. If your parents choose to bring a guest to a party, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I wouldn’t introduce the person as grndma’s boyfriend–simply Mr. Name. But unless you are ready to bane all guests–inlcuding your own children’s friends (not even boy/girl friend), I can’t see banning Grandpa’s guest.

An overnight visit is something else entirely. No, I would not allow an unmarried couple (no matter who they are) to sleep together under my roof. If your parents want to spend the weekend, suggest a close hotel, or offer your parent to stay, but the friend stay at the hotel.

 

[marybee]

ok, My only fear would be, they only see the man once they are married, they might have a distorted sense that maybe grandma got this guy out of the personal ads and married him, but never dated him. ok maybe a stretch but I think i made my point.

 

[marybee]

In reply to Jeanette L, part of the problem here is that there IS a difference between sins. Chubby or boasting grandparents don’t bother me nearly as much as fornicating grandparents! The original poster was very clear that the children see their grandparents frequently, just not with the significant-other-of-the-month. She is exercising her parental duties and rights, not punishing the grandparents for their immature behavior.

Our society has made obesity a worse sin than cohabitation. We, as Christians, can’t blur those lines and say “well, everyone sins, so the specific sins don’t matter.” Our children will pick up what we say and do on these matters, and, yes, they need to be shielded from some of the worst examples, especially in their immediate family, while they are young.

Quick example of misguided all-sin-is-equal thinking. A good friend of mine was stuck listening to an argument between her sister (pregnant from a one-night stand) and her mom.
Mom: “What the heck were you thinking?!? Why didn’t you at least use a condom or something?”
Daughter: “MOM! I’m Catholic, we don’t believe in birth control!”
Mom: “WE DON’T BELIEVE IN PREMARITAL SEX, EITHER!”

I really don’t understand the significance of this last part? Who did you think was right/wrong?

 

[gmsugarcane]

I’m just wondering if I was dreaming when I read about
Jesus speaking to a woman at a well or was it when he was talking
about throwing stones?

1 a: to regard or treat with honor or respect b: to confer honor on
2 a: to live up to or fulfill the terms of b: to accept as payment
3: to salute with a bow in square dancing
(with thanks to m-w.com the definition (verb) honor)

in my experience, most people change for the better because
they experience it, like it, want it, and do something about it
(your parents’ and their mates seeing you and your husband)
kids just lap up all the extra attention

 

[PauloFreire2]

Good topic. But, can I share my personal dilemma with you? My father is an adoptive father. He adopted me when I was 13, but gave me his lastname, without my consent, when I was six. He wasn’t a good father, and I grew up basically disliking him. Meanwhile, my biological father never contacted me. I’m now 50, and find myself severely conflicted over this. I want to follow the Ten Commandments and other Biblical teachings concerning honoring one’s parents, yet I’m angry. My mother is deceased, and I feel resentment toward my adoptive father. We live in different parts of the country. Whenever we see each other, there is palpable tension. Recommendations?

 

[Jeanette_L]

Good topic. But, can I share my personal dilemma with you? My father is an adoptive father. He adopted me when I was 13, but gave me his lastname, without my consent, when I was six. He wasn’t a good father, and I grew up basically disliking him. Meanwhile, my biological father never contacted me. I’m now 50, and find myself severely conflicted over this. I want to follow the Ten Commandments and other Biblical teachings concerning honoring one’s parents, yet I’m angry. My mother is deceased, and I feel resentment toward my adoptive father. We live in different parts of the country. Whenever we see each other, there is palpable tension. Recommendations?

OK, I can’t stay away!

PauloFreire2:

Forgiveness is the absolutely hardest thing we wrestle with, but wrestle with it we must, Christ left us no other options. If we were only to forgive people the things that didn’t hurt us, there wouldn’t be much left to forgive, would there? :nope:

This has obviously been a life long struggle for you, I feel your pain tremendously, I have and still am there myself with a parent. But the fact that you recognize this as an issue that needs resolved, is in itself, a HUGE step towards resolving it. Does that make sense?

There are times when I think I’ve accomplished the task, it’s over and done, and then it rears it’s ugly head again. It’s very heartbreaking for me at times. :crying:

Prayer, prayer and more prayer. Surrender. MORE prayer. It may take you the rest of your years, just don’t give up on the process. :console:

God Bless.

 

[PauloFreire2]

Thanks, JL. I’ve tried to do this. Yes, I’ve told myself I need to adjust my attitude, given the fact I at least told myself once that I forgave him. But then, when we see each other again (once every two years), he insults me or laughs when his wife does so, and I get quietly furious, and want to leave and never see him again. I keep wanting to tell him off and walk out of his fleating life, reminding him that he isn’t my biological father, and that I never really wanted his name. BUT…it never happens. Do I love him? Maybe, but certainly not in a discernable way. Now that I have a son, it’s even more complicated.

 

[Gardening_Mommy]

I really don’t understand the significance of this last part? Who did you think was right/wrong?

The mother was frustrated that the daughter had somehow misinterpreted her Catholic upbringing to think that avoiding contraceptives wasn’t as important as avoiding premarital sex. Her comment was sort of a, “If you were going to do something stupid and sinful, why didn’t you at least try to avoid dragging a child into this?” (Yes, condoms are morally wrong because they interfere with the marriage covenant by refusing to allow the relationship to be fruitful… except this was a one-night stand, and they weren’t married, anyways!) In fact, the daughter married the idiot she slept with out of a sense of obligation to their child, had another baby, and finally divorced the loser after he’d been cheating on her for years. My point was that the daughter had equalized (or entirely misordered) the severity of sins.

If she had been thinking, maybe the daughter would’ve realized that the consequences of premarital sex should’ve caused her to avoid THAT just as much as she avoided the condom! (she was highly offended that her mother suggested she should’ve used a condom.)

 

[marybee]

The mother was frustrated that the daughter had somehow misinterpreted her Catholic upbringing to think that avoiding contraceptives wasn’t as important as avoiding premarital sex. Her comment was sort of a, “If you were going to do something stupid and sinful, why didn’t you at least try to avoid dragging a child into this?” (Yes, condoms are morally wrong because they interfere with the marriage covenant by refusing to allow the relationship to be fruitful… except this was a one-night stand, and they weren’t married, anyways!) In fact, the daughter married the idiot she slept with out of a sense of obligation to their child, had another baby, and finally divorced the loser after he’d been cheating on her for years. My point was that the daughter had equalized (or entirely misordered) the severity of sins.

If she had been thinking, maybe the daughter would’ve realized that the consequences of premarital sex should’ve caused her to avoid THAT just as much as she avoided the condom! (she was highly offended that her mother suggested she should’ve used a condom.)

ok, sorry, but i need to interject…This would be what I thought too, but someone asked the AAA forum if someone had an affair if they would use a condom would it be adding sin to sin. Surprisingly, they said that condoms are sinful in an affair jjust as much as in marriage…and that they are compounding sin with sin, not mitigating it…go look it up! I was shocked too, but actually according to The Church the daughter was right, she would be committing 2 sins not 1 by using a condom on her one night stand…

ok sorry, off of the topic!

 

[Gardening_Mommy]

Why is it that everyone who responds to me, implies that I don’t think sin matters? I have not once said that. Nor do I believe that the children should not be taught about sin, but all sin, and all it’s consequences. Please don’t read words or ideals into my posts that aren’t there.

Actually, what I said was that you seemed to be equating all sins, ignoring the fact that some sins are more serious. You even accused people of having to ban all gluttons if they insisted the SO couldn’t visit. I did not say that you don’t think sin matters. So, please don’t read words into others’ posts, either.

And the fact that the grandparents are being allowed visitation has not been lost on me either. I’m not illiterate. But another thought is it seems to me that no one seems to be concerned with how all this affects the “SO” either. There is a real person behind those letters, one who is misguided in the attempt to find love in this life, not just an object to be scorned and banished.

Obviously, you aren’t illiterate. But you did seem to miss the point that the grandparents are allowed to visit. I assumed that maybe you had missed that point, so I re-mentioned it. It was not meant as an insult, in spite of how you took it.

Yes, the significant other is a person in need of salvation, but the SO is not a relation, so they have no right or expectation to be treated as such. Including them in family events with nothing said would only show approval of the relationship. (and including them with a comment on their co-habiting each time may only be seen as nagging.) Ignoring their sins and encouraging them in their sin by your apparent tacit approval is not showing them love or even Christian kindness.

Before you assume that posters who disagree with you are just mean spirited and un-Christian, please try to see the other side before you get rude and accusatory in response.

 

[Gardening_Mommy]

ok, sorry, but i need to interject…This would be what I thought too, but someone asked the AAA forum if someone had an affair if they would use a condom would it be adding sin to sin. Surprisingly, they said that condoms are sinful in an affair jjust as much as in marriage…and that they are compounding sin with sin, not mitigating it…go look it up! I was shocked too, but actually according to The Church the daughter was right, she would be committing 2 sins not 1 by using a condom on her one night stand…

ok sorry, off of the topic!

I totally agree; it would make the one night stand into two sins. The availability of contraceptives have generally encouraged this kind of sin by implying you can remove the consequences from your sins.

What I was trying to say was that the daughter should’ve been worried about the premarital sex even more than she was worried about the condom (which apparently worried her enough to avoid them).

 

[crenfro]

Thank you for this topic. It’s one that gnaws at me.

The only suggestion I have for you, as I’ve never been in a situation such as yours, is to list-in writing- what’s good and bad about it, then go to your wise friends and talk about it, then pray about it, then make your decision which you can live with with the most peace of mind.

When I was younger, much younger!, I was rebellious while my parents were proper Catholics. I can tell you which of their approaches with me worked, and which ones didn’t.

Condemning didn’t work. A smug parent telling me how terrible a person I was didn’t help at all. Continuing to tell me I was loved helped. Respecting me but keeping a distance to safeguard their own moral lives helped. Letting me go helped. Living their own lives, like when I’d see my dad sneak off to confession, yet not doing these things just so I’d see them but because that’s just what he does, helped a lot.

I do believe that if we’re all concentrating on our own spiritual development that we don’t have much time to concentrate on another’s.

Otherwise, I have no idea.

I was drawn to this topic because I have troubles with exactly WHAT IS “honoring one’s father and mother.”

And in the case of abuse and neglect by a parent, how does an adult child honor that parent?

I keep having to bring this sin time and time again to confession, because I’ve been resentful towards my parents for a long time, and I don’t want to be like this - but some of the things that happened to me while a kiddo have scarred me which I believe was in some part due to bad parenting.

What I want is to completely forgive them, but they can still hurt me today, even with a word.

 

[byrdele]

Hi! I am new to this thread. I noticed that a lot of the questions and comments about honouring one’s father and mother have to do with sexuality, but my question is not. This is a question to which I really need an answer, because something has been going on in my family in which I do believe that my brother is not honouring our mother.

In Mark 7:8, it is stated that if we give to God (word used means that the money/gifts can be given only to God and no one else, such as the Pharisees, in this case, giving to keep the Temple up) and ignore one’s needy parents, that this negates the whole Commandment of honouring our parents and also Christ quotes the verse from Deuteronomy that “he who curses his parents is also cursed”… the OT verse goes on to say that the jperson “cursing his parents” should die. But God obviously considers not helping out needy parents, even if it is to give to God, to be cursing one’s parents.

My brother considers my mother to be “extended family”. According to the Bible, is she extended in the sense that the wife is more important? I always thought that neither was more important, that we are to honour and help our parents all of their lives. This would be indicative in Christ in all His agony on the Cross providing for His mother, between the sacred relationship daughter-in-law and mother-in-law when Christ speaks of bringing a sword which will divide, and when Jesus went into Peter’s house, his mother-in-law was living with them and Christ cured her - it was taken for granted that the widowed parents or elderly parents would be provided for by their children.

My brother is between a rock and a hard place. As far as I know, he will not stop tithing to give more to my mother. He said that he did not interpret the verse in the same way I do. I don’t know, but looking at it, it’s a pretty clear statement from Christ. He will not provide for my mother if it means going into hock, his wife will always come first. He has just lost a job and is looking for another. My attitude is go out and pump gas even if that only comes up with the amount my mother needs from him.

The problem has been solved. But what do the more apologetically inclined people have to say about this?

Please someone give me a response. Thank you.

byrdele