Honoring Mean Parents

[sabrinaofmn]

My parents did not treat me kindly during my childhood. I’m now 32, and I am over my raising and have a good life. However, I still have trouble as an adult with my parents. My father gets insanely angry if I don’t agree with him. The last tif was because I made the point that I don’t believe people should get tatoos. He began telling me that I was stupid, legalistic, my Catholicim is the worst thing, that I’m 32 and already an old woman, etc, etc. At one point or another both of my parents have told me that I am evil. Within the past year my mother even told me that she knew that I was no good when I was 10 years old and that any effort that she made on me would be wasted.

I have a successful life . . . a good marriage, career, son . . . the whole works. I’m not sure why my parents feel this way about me. Perhaps it’s guilt from the way they treated me during my childhood. Or maybe they are jealous of my life. I don’t know or really care. My problem is that my father periodically screams and curses at me along with saying any mean thing that he can think of, whether true or not. My mother also says mean things. It’s like I have emotional flashbacks to my childhood. After the conversation is over I feel that same nasty feeling that I had as a child.

I don’t want to be in mortal sin, but what do I owe these people in accordance with the 5th commandment? Do I have to call them on Father’s/Mother’s Day? I don’t even call my dad, “Dad”. I call him by his first name, which is what I was taught to do as a child. Do I have to fly to visit them? What exactly are my obligations? If they scream and curse at me and hang up, am I obligated to call them? My father is afraid to fly, so if I don’t fly I won’t ever see him.

 

[Mom_of_one]

Well, you need to have boundaries to protect yourself emotionally. You don’t have to fly to visit them. You don’t have to talk to them. Those are boundaries. But if you choose to do these things, have emotional boundaries in place.
Start by praying.
Ask God to help you deal with them. It may be that you need time away from them to heal.You may need to forgive.
Know that you are a daughter of God and what they say is simply a lie from the devil.
Remember that hurting people hurt people.
Honor bad parents by being a good one yourself.

 

[Lisa4Catholics]

You can honor your parents without having to be abused by them.One of the things we as Catholics do is to avoid the near occasions of sin.When your dad doesyou that way I am sure that you probably get unhealthy and maybe even sinful thoughts.Also,when you fatherdoes that to you he is sinning.In this case I would not go around him,pray for himand have Masses offered for him.Write a letter if you feel the need to talk.I hope this helps a little.

 

[Jennifer123]

I’m so sorry for your situation. A priest once told me that although we are Christian we do not have to be punching bags for other people. It’s okay to set boundaries, even with your parents. If they can’t honor your boundaries, it’s their problem, not yours.

You do need to honor them but they aren’t entitled to treat you so shamefully. No one has that right. Honoring them could mean just wishing the best for them, praying for conversion, and just trying to be as pleasant as possible when you are in their presence. If you think about it, not setting boundaries for yourself and letting them treat you this way could imperil their salvation because you aren’t correcting their behavior, one of the works of mercy!

I just try to remember that difficult situations and people are more chances to work on virute and obtain graces, which could be seen as a blessing! It’s hard sometimes though…

 

[Lisa_N]

I had the same problem. My priest suggested a couple of things that would both honor them and maintain my sanity. He said one thing is to live your life well. A child who grows up to be an honorable person, honors the parents. Regardless of their mean nature or other problems there was SOMETHING about them that made you the good person you are. Maybe it’s just good genes! But you are obviously a credit to your family. Honor those things even though you may not be able to identify them.

My father died years ago and Father suggested having a mass said for him. Even though he wasn’t Catholic (an atheist actually) no one knows if he had a change of heart before he died. It did make me feel a bit better as we were quite estranged when he died.

Lisa N

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I am so sorry to hear this. I can only suggest, as this is an issue that has to be individually tailored to each person.

I, too, have irrational parents- and I’m in my late 40s. They haven’t gotten any more rational with time. They were irrational and abusive when I was a kid (from what my father’s brother told me, when I was a 6-week old baby), and they are irrational and abusive today. The irrational ones have been married almost 50 years, and it has not been a good endorsement for marriage in my opinion, let me tell ya.

I am currently shunned by my siblings on orders from my mother. I thought I was also shunned by extended family members on my father’s side, but that turned out not to be the case. My mother’s side of the family is small, and it never entered their heads to shun me merely on the say-so of my mother. My crime: I obtained an annulment from my abusive and adulterous ex-husband, and sacramentally married my husband at age 34. He adopted my children, and we made a family.

To this abuse, I must say, I reacted very badly. The first five years of my marriage, I tried to figure out ways to make my parents, especially my mother, “love” me. I alternated that with bouts of depression and crying jags. I then went into therapy on and off; which alternated with un-therapist approved letters written and mailed to my mother, very angry letters, demanding that she “love” me, comparing my virtues to my sibs, etc. Of course, this made me look like a real nut case.

It took me quite awhile to see that I had to forgive them.

I am not talking about mushy reunion, New Age esoteric forgiveness. I am talking about God’s forgiveness, and an act of my own free will forgiveness. And THAT took a lot of prayer, a lot of going before the Blessed Sacrament and pleading with Him for alternatives, a couple confession sessions not of the Saturday afternoon variety, and time.

That forgiveness to them came in a Christmas card last year. It also said I did not think it was wise that we see each other, but they should consider themselves forgiven just the same, and I hoped that the rest of their lives were happy and blessed. I am sure they did not begin to realize that a family grapevine carries more than just rumor. I am almost positive they probably took the card, and after mocking me in a group, threw it out.

Yes, they lost out on knowing their grandchildren as they grew up. Yes, they have never met their beautiful great-granddaughters. Yes, I don’t think I’ll be invited to their big anniversary party next year. Yes, they still spread gossip and hate about me wherever they go. But once I forgave them, and once I realized God had forgiven them, things got easier on a gradual basis in my life.

And you know what? They look pretty silly throwing around all that gossip. The people who count know better.

 

[cardenio]

Love. Forgive and love.