Honoring my father

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my_kismet

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I have tried to look this up in the bible, but I swear I read a scripture that said something like if your father pretty much abandoned his children, then you don’t have to honor them.

Well what about a father that was 1/2 there? Except the past 10 years, in which 4 yrs. I haven’t communicated with him in ANY way…he hasn’t been there. When I was 15 he kind of ditched me for my step-mother…that’s how I felt, anyhow.

And throughout my childhood, when he was “there” he wasn’t really “there”…it was more like at his own convenience, I guess.

So I just came to a point where I didn’t want anything to do with him…I also lost touch with God and my faith. I’ve recently (the past year) started a relationship with God (still working on it)…but from what I’ve read, it’s a really really bad thing to not honor your father–or mother…unless he wasn’t around…I dunno…I’m just confused. I want to do the right thing, but I’m not sure what that is in this case…

Thanks in advance for any (name removed by moderator)ut!
 
my_kismet said:
I have tried to look this up in the bible, but I swear I read a scripture that said something like if your father pretty much abandoned his children, then you don’t have to honor them.

Well what about a father that was 1/2 there? Except the past 10 years, in which 4 yrs. I haven’t communicated with him in ANY way…he hasn’t been there. When I was 15 he kind of ditched me for my step-mother…that’s how I felt, anyhow.

And throughout my childhood, when he was “there” he wasn’t really “there”…it was more like at his own convenience, I guess.

So I just came to a point where I didn’t want anything to do with him…I also lost touch with God and my faith. I’ve recently (the past year) started a relationship with God (still working on it)…but from what I’ve read, it’s a really really bad thing to not honor your father–or mother…unless he wasn’t around…I dunno…I’m just confused. I want to do the right thing, but I’m not sure what that is in this case…

Thanks in advance for any (name removed by moderator)ut!
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Honoring your parents applies to children who financially depend on their (non-abusive) parents. It means having to listen to their reasonable requests about chores, homework, curfews, behaviors toward siblings and the like.

If the parents are abusive, neglectful, if they make unreasonable or immoral demands, or if you are financially emancipated what you owe them changes quite a bit.

You are for instance never obligated to maintain a relationship with parents who mistreated you. But you should naturally respect and be grateful to good parents for having raised you.
 
flyingfish said:
Honoring your parents applies to children who financially depend on their (non-abusive) parents. It means having to listen to their reasonable requests about chores, homework, curfews, behaviors toward siblings and the like.

If the parents are abusive, neglectful, if they make unreasonable or immoral demands, or if you are financially emancipated what you owe them changes quite a bit.

You are for instance never obligated to maintain a relationship with parents who mistreated you. But you should naturally respect and be grateful to good parents for having raised you.
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This is a Catholic forum, so I would like to speak from the Catholic position. I think a little more than that is required. I believe that you need to treat your parents with respect, regardless of whether they were good parents or not. Which doesn’t mean that you have to have an ongoing relationship with abusive parents (unless you have some tangible reason to believe that they have repented and reformed). But it does mean that whatever kind of parents they were, you can’t (for example) cuss them out.

Anyway, the OP didn’t indicate that there was any abuse. And it doesn’t sound (to me, anyway) like a really unusual amount of neglect, either. For example, I know someone (not me, BTW) who never saw or spoke to her father from the time she was 7 until the time that he died over 50 years later, even though he always knew where she lived. Through other family members, she let him know she would be willing to see him, but he never responded. That is some serious neglect.

“Parents who are always 100% there for us whenever we need them” is not a description of good parents. It is a description of the BEST parents. And they aren’t the only ones who deserve the honor due to a parent.
Catechism #2217:
Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, wihich is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
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It’s hard sometimes. For some of us, it’s hard a LOT of the time. I had some really serious issues with one of my parents growing up, and it has taken a long time to have a more-or-less calm relationship. I am still not going to follow that parent’s advice most of the time, because we are coming from radically different places. However, I’m also not going to call my parent an idiot, and I’m going to try REALLY hard not to think they’re an idiot, and if I fail, I’m going to try REALLY hard not to let them know about it (by tone of voice, being patronizing, etc.). (In fact, I can’t remember the last time I called anyone an idiot, but sometimes it’s harder to treat family members with common courtesy than anyone else.)

So, my_kismet, it is a bit of a big deal but don’t worry too much if it comes hard. It may be that a cordial (if not warm) relationship with your father comes as a result of your closening relationship with God. And whatever happens, God doesn’t require you to feel a particular way toward anyone (although sometimes you need to try). Your feelings toward another person are not entirely under your control, and God isn’t going to punish you for not doing something that it is not under your control. What is required is that you act toward your father in a respectful way.

Anyway, that is my take on the issue. God bless you!

–Jen

P.S. No, I’m not a parent myself.
 
Sometimes, the best way to honor an abusive parent is to keep them at a distance.

My wife was sexually abused by her father. We have zero contact with him. We are fortunate to be 1100 miles apart. So she honors him by sending a birthday card. She honors her mother by the very occasional phone call and gifts for the holidays.

We will not let our children have anymore than phone contact and again the distance is a blessing.

Our priest felt we were acting more than honorably.
 
I’ve always felt that you should treat people with the respect they deserve. Some deserve a lot, some deserve none. The respect they give you is a great starting point.
 
wow…well thank you all for your responses. you’ve certainly given me a lot to think about. :hmmm:

i know that there are far worse father’s than the one i had…but i’m at a point where i don’t even like to refer to him as my “father”, “dad”, and i feel that even calling him by his 1st name is giving him too much recognition on my part…

i have a feeling that this is one of those things that i have issues with that i will need to try to let go of…with God’s help…and I’m still trying to figure out just how to do that…

but thanks again for all the advice. 🙂
 
I would suggest that you go back and read in the Decalogue of the Catechism the part on this very commandment. One of the very first things it tells us is that in Honoring your mother…Honoring thy father- we are being pro-life. Granted I am paraphrasing. While you sound as if you are old enough to be out on your own - and not under anyone else’s roof and you probably got your spiritual formation from someone else - you must first and foremost remember that none of that would be possible if your father had not given you life. That is something that above all must truly be honored. Remember that we forgive the person not the sin. While contact in situations like abuse may not be healthy due to safety and security forgiveness is always something that should be practiced.
 
My son, take care of your father when he is old; grieve him not as long as he lives.
Even if his mind fail, be considerate with him; revile him not in the fullness of your strength.
For kindness to a father will not be forgotten, it will serve as a sin offering; it will take lasting root.
In time of tribulation it will be recalled to your advantage, like warmth upon frost it will melt away your sins.

~Sirach 3:12-15~
 
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