Honoring your mother and father

[hreese]

So I decided to register because I have a burning question that I need some advice on as a Roman Catholic.

I have a mother who, for my whole life has abused alcohol, beat me (I have scars as a lovely reminder) and who I’ve seen attempt to kill herself several times. She went on from alcohol (after jail time for DUI and time in rehab centers) to marijuana, and when we caught her with that (I confiscated it and trashed it) she started buying oxycotin online illegally, and served moer jail time for that. All this before I graduated high school. My dad blamed me for most of this, and used to hit me, but since I got married, and have a respecable life, I’ve forgiven him and we’;ve forged a rather good relationship. Not so with my mother. To this day I am called upon to pick her up from the hospital when her health fails (she’s run her body into the ground), and this week she has been having to stay with me and my husband because the hospital believes she needs help because her depression is out of control, they worry about suicide attempts.

Well, this week has been hell for me. She STILL talks to me in baby talk, using my TODDLER nickname. I’ve talked to her and told her to stop, but she refuses, she bad mouths my dad, and even tells my HUSBAND that I am ALWAYS HERS!!! Needless to say I’ve been trying to have a relationship with her since I graduated high school (6 years ago) but I just can’t. It’s not that I don’t forgive her, I do, it’s just that her mind has been so twisted, that I can’t have a relationship with someone who always talks badly about my father, calls my by my BABY name, talks to me in baby talk, and smothers me. I’m fed up at this point, and my husband is too. We are watching her because we do love her, but a relationship is proving beyond frustrating and nearly impossible. What should I do as a daughter? What should I do as a catholic, especially when commanded to “Honor thy mother and father”?

 

[iluvmybabies]

I am very sorry to hear about the way you life with your parents has been!! I am deeply sorry…I hope you have considered counseling and hopefully they can help you with such issues… Perhaps I should have done so as well after living with a father that used to beat up my mother and in return would beat me up because of him…no biggie…I love my parents and wouldn’t trade them for the world!

We forgive and forget…it’s a hard process but we do it with God’s grace!

God bless you for being such a good person and taking care of your mother and giving your father a try! I know it must be hard for you!

My mother is a manipulator, still to this day after 3 kids and a divorce and hopefully someday to be married since thanks to her I postponed my wedding, ugh, it’s hard to honor our parents. I do it because well of course, I have to and I love her and my father…But it’s really hard…especially when my siblings get away with dishonoring them and they don’t say a thing but I am not allowed to even defend myself… So I keep conversations short and sweet with them!! AND far away!!

Anyhow, all I can do is offer you this advice, is there any way you can find a home for your mother? A place where they can take care of her? I know it sounds cruel but you do need your sanity. It also states in the Bible something about parents not angering their children or they will get discouraged or something like that, so God is telling us that it’s a 50/50 thing, you know, your parents help you and respect you and you honor thy parents!!
If a home is not a possibility how about your priest, is there anyway he can help with providing religious counseling to your mother, perhaps even involving a psychiotrist?

I wish you good luck and God bless…I will keep you in my prayers!

 

[SMHW]

What you need is to come up with a better understanding of “Honor thy mother and father”.

First of all, you need to change your views on what it means to have a relationship with your mother. It doesn’t have mean that you will both like each other and want to spend time together. It doesn’t mean you have to feel anything at all about her. (And in your case it may be better to put feelings aside and stick with logic.)

As an adult you’ve grown past the point of needing to obey your mother. The best honor an adult child can give to a parent is to be a good adult. In the case of a parent who has problems you may find that the parent is less than appreciative of that honor. But your mother did somehow raise you to be a decent person so she must have done something right, even if it was by accident.

I think you do owe your mother a certain amount of care. But if she is destructive to your married family then you can certainly set limits. Honoring your mother does not come before respecting your husband.

You need to get her back in her own home as soon as possible. If she can’t live alone in her own home then maybe you need to find her some place where she can be safe. She won’t like it. She’ll complain. But listening to complaints and still doing what is needed is one way to honor your mother.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

What SWHW said.

I recommend two very good books for you as well: God Help Me These People Are Driving Me Nuts by Greg Popcak, and Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

As I tell most people who ask this question, and as SWHW as correctly pointed out, you are an adult. You owe your mother a roof over her head. It does not have to be your roof, and if you can’t afford it, she will have to make do with what shelters and agencies provide. You owe your mother food. It does not have to be steak while you and your family eat beans and rice. And you owe your mother clothes if she needs them, but not designer wear while you and your family wear Goodwill or rummage sale. Most importantly, pray for your mother. It sounds as if she really needs the prayers.

 

[BamaRider]

After years on drugs and booze, her mind is probably all messed up, and she doesn’t know what she is saying, or whats actually going on.

Look after your mother as best you can, and do right by her as much as she will let you. It won’t be any fun, but it could be your cross to bear. All of us have them from time to time.

 

[Galnextdoor]

I once asked a priest about this and he said basically what the two previous posters said.

He said that I should look to Mary as my mother and God as my father.

He said I should make sure that my parent’s physical needs are met. I should check in on them regularly, but only stay a few minutes. Call them occasionally, but if they get ugly just say I love you and hang up. The type of love would not be the emotional type, but the decision to care about their welfare. He told me not to ever expect a loving relationship like many people have with their parents. He said that I could occasionally ask them to meet me for lunch somewhere public, because they would not want to make a scene in public. He said if they make a scene in public then don’t have lunch.
He said it was important to surround myself with people who love me and are caring and respectful toward me.

He said to offer up my communion for them and have masses said for them. He said these are all ways that God would want us to honor our parents. He said that forgiving is a process. Sometimes you have to wake up every morning and make the decision to forgive. Face what they have done and offer it up to the Father by asking Jesus to unite it to the chalice of His blood.
This suffering could be offered for the people who are creating it.

Here is my personal thought. It’s very difficult to remain angry with someone you pray for, so pray a lot for her.

 

[Chronister4673]

I agree with SMHW as well. I have had no relationship with my mother at all for several years. There have been too many years of abuse, lies, and behavior that amounts to theft for me to be able to have anything to do with her. Any contact between the two of us disintegrates into bad feelings and harsh words. I spoke to her a little over a year ago when my grandmother passed (I called my aunt’s house and she picked up the phone), but before that our last conversation ended with her telling me that I was nothing but garbage and that she shouldn’t have had me. I feel that she is bipolar and needs to seek help. I’ve told her that until she does, I will not have anything to do with her.

I struggled with this decision for a long time before my pastor was able to explain it to me. First of all, I could no longer allow my mother to take money away that we needed to provide for my children. Secondly, when you marry, you LEAVE your parents and CLEAVE to your spouse (Genesis). Thirdly, any reasonable person would be proud to be my parent. I am raising my children in a godly manner. I am a good wife to my husband. I behave in a manner that would bring honor to the parents who raised me. As an adult, that is my responsibility. A child must obey their parents. An adult honors their parents by fulfilling their own adult responsibilities.

If my mother was disabled to the point where she needed care, I would do my best to place her in a situation (possibly long term care or assisted living) that would meet her needs. I do not think bringing her abuse into my home would be the best situation for my children.

If the hospital truly believes that your mother is a suicide risk, they should never have discharged her. She should be receiving psychiatric care on an (name removed by moderator)atient basis. If she shows any type of ideations or actual attempts, get in your vehicle and drive her to the hospital. You are not equipped to deal with that and your husband should support you in this. He may need to physically help you get her to the hospital if she’s fighting the idea.

I wish you all the best. I’m truly sorry you’re going through this.

 

[twosweetgirls]

If my mother was disabled to the point where she needed care, I would do my best to place her in a situation (possibly long term care or assisted living) that would meet her needs. I do not think bringing her abuse into my home would be the best situation for my children.

So much WORD to that advice. “Honoring your Mother and Father” does not mean subjecting yourself to heaps of abuse that your whole family endures. I also don’t believe you “owe” your Mother anything other than doing what you can logically do, without endangering your emotional saftey and that of your family. Plus, if she’s that unstable, you don’t want her committing suicide in front of your children or worse. You could remand her back into the care of the hospital and let them know that there’s nothing more you can do for her. I agree with the above poster who said the hospital should never have released her.

I too have a dysfunctional relationship with my own Mother. After throwing me and my family out of her house the past three big holidays, we’re never doing anything else over there again. Sometimes “honoring your Father and Mother” means honoring yourself as a Mother first. Best of luck, Hon.

 

[hreese]

I agree with SMHW as well. I have had no relationship with my mother at all for several years. There have been too many years of abuse, lies, and behavior that amounts to theft for me to be able to have anything to do with her. QUOTE]

This is the situation I’ve had. I can’t trust her, and I don’t feel “anger” at her, just stress and disappointment. I’mseriously debating cutting her out of my life, if not now, then when I have kids. My husband doesn’t want her influence on our future children, and I can’t say I blame him. However, my big fear is that she’ll try to kill herself again if I do that. I don’t want to feel responsible for that.

As to other posts: Yes, I have been seeing counsellors off and on about it, but it’s been hard to stay with one because I’ve moved a round a lot. I’m in a permanent place now (with hubby!) So I am looking for one now. I don’t want all of this hidden somewhere and have it prevent me from being a good mother.

As to food, clothing, and housing. She is still married to my father. The only reason she is in my house now is because she was released from the hospital and he is out of the town for the week on business, and she couldn’t be left alone. I’m trying to care for her, but it’s more than I can handle. She doesn’t have any friends or anyone to care for her besides me at the moment. When my brother gets back from Puerto Rico things might be different, but probably not since he’s not really that established, and needs to get himself on track first. I want to keep looking after her, especially if my dad leaves her, but I don’t really know if I want her in my life anymore. She is seeing a psychiatrist, but as to what someone said earlier, yes she does have bad mental problems. Severe depression being one of them.

I do love her, and I worry about her. I just don’t know how to handle her anymore. Thanks you all for the great advice.

 

[Ruthie]

First and foremost: if she commits suicide, under whatever circumstances, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s the fault of her disease, and *only *of her disease - even if she leaves a note blaming you.

Second - and this will be hard - come to the point of view that you will probably lose her to suicide. I have come to that place regarding my sister, who is hospitalized on suicide watch frequently. In a way, it’s grieving before the death. But now, I am somewhat “ready” for it - and if it never happens, then that’s good news.

Third, pray for her frequently - that she will become clean and sober; that she will experience spiritual healing; that she will eventually go home to God.

God bless you and her,

Ruthie

 

[hreese]

First and foremost: if she commits suicide, under whatever circumstances, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s the fault of her disease, and *only *of her disease - even if she leaves a note blaming you.

Second - and this will be hard - come to the point of view that you will probably lose her to suicide. I have come to that place regarding my sister, who is hospitalized on suicide watch frequently. In a way, it’s grieving before the death. But now, I am somewhat “ready” for it - and if it never happens, then that’s good news.

Actually, it’s kind of nice to hear that, since all her talking of suicide (and numerous attempts) have left me feeling a lot like she’d just do it and end the pain already. Not that I’m not going to do everything to try to stop it while she’s here. I’m really praying for her salvation.