Honour your father and mother

[angell1]

can someone help explain what this really entails.

most of you know that my relationship with my parents is not a particularly good one. they have done a lot for me, it’s true, but on an emotional level, we’re just not close

they feel like they should always be the top priority though and that I owe them everything so I often feel a lot of pressure and guilt because, well, they did raise me.

are your parents supposed to be the closest people in your lives? I’m much closer to my elderly Polish friend from church, for example. but maybe I shouldn’t be?

also, how would one practically care for an aging or ill parent if one lives in a different part of the country? or has immigrated to a different country? and you have a spouse and kids to take care of as well?

 

[St_Francis]

Hi Angell,
How are your parents *now? *That is all you need to worry about.

It does sound like your parents have some issues of their own, tho, for which *they, *not you, are responsible. Insofar as these issues affect you, I think you would benefit from some in-real-life help. Is there another adult, one whom your parents would respect, with whom you can discuss these things, as well as some of the other things in your life which worry you? I would suggest talking with this person, and maybe asking this person to help you talk with your parents.

You are at an age when it is natural to fly away from the nest. These are *completely normal *problems you are having, only slightly complicated by your blindness, so please do not feel emabarrassed at all and ask those you trust for help.

We all love you, but are limited by the style of communication to really be able to help as much as we would like

 

[angell1]

Hi Angell,
How are your parents *now? *That is all you need to worry about.

It does sound like your parents have some issues of their own, tho, for which *they, *not you, are responsible. Insofar as these issues affect you, I think you would benefit from some in-real-life help. Is there another adult, one whom your parents would respect, with whom you can discuss these things, as well as some of the other things in your life which worry you? I would suggest talking with this person, and maybe asking this person to help you talk with your parents.

You are at an age when it is natural to fly away from the nest. These are *completely normal *problems you are having, only slightly complicated by your blindness, so please do not feel emabarrassed at all and ask those you trust for help.

We all love you, but are limited by the style of communication to really be able to help as much as we would like

no, there isn’t anyone else they respect and trust, really.

I’m just wondering, as a child, is my relationship wip with my parents supposed to be closer than with anyone else?

 

[LightBound]

no, there isn’t anyone else they respect and trust, really.

I’m just wondering, as a child, is my relationship wip with my parents supposed to be closer than with anyone else?

No. You are not a child, you are an adult and if you develop a closer relationship with someone else, as a single person, you can certainly “bond” with that person, as long as you stay kind and respectful to your own parents (and that doesn’t mean following their orders or wishes…remember, you are an adult). If you are called to marriage, your spouse better be the person you are closer to in an earthly relationship, otherwise your marriage won’t work.

 

[pianistclare]

Go to see your campus counselor.
They keep everything confidential and discuss nothing with parents.
I’d suggest family counseling, but I know you won’t go and neither will they.
But YOU go to the campus counselor. You’re at school, no one will know.

Are you worried about interior thoughts? You always say you go along with whatever your mom says despite the often unreasonable requests, like not accepting rides home from friends. If they are not going to realize that you will make personal decisions for yourself, then you should at least come to terms with the notion.

Get help angel.

Peace.

 

[angell1]

Go to see your campus counselor.
They keep everything confidential and discuss nothing with parents.
I’d suggest family counseling, but I know you won’t go and neither will they.
But YOU go to the campus counselor. You’re at school, no one will know.

Are you worried about interior thoughts? You always say you go along with whatever your mom says despite the often unreasonable requests, like not accepting rides home from friends. If they are not going to realize that you will make personal decisions for yourself, then you should at least come to terms with the notion.

Get help angel.

Peace.

I’m not really talking about that this time, I was just reading the section in the catechism on duties of children and parents and trying to understand its practical applications

 

[pianistclare]

I’m not really talking about that this time, I was just reading the section in the catechism on duties of children and parents and trying to understand its practical applications

I heard you the first time you said that.
There’s a lot of common sense in the Catechism. Loving friends and family and knowing where those lines are drawn is not exactly high theology.

Seek help for this.
Peace.

 

[Abba]

no, there isn’t anyone else they respect and trust, really.

I’m just wondering, as a child, is my relationship wip with my parents supposed to be closer than with anyone else?

No. You are an independent human being. You have a duty to your parents but you are not their slaves. We Christians raise our children independent versus in other religion where they remain members of a tribe sort of speak. There are people Catholics and all types, who have and raise children as an investment for old age etc… this is unacceptable.

As an indepedent human being with all your particularities, you may not share the desires, preferences, visions etc… as your parents - that’s life. You may not even share a good emotionally healthy relationship with them because of the existing different particularities of all involved and the particular histories etc…that’s life.

HOWEVER, you have a duty and obligation to help them if they need it. So, let’s say if your parents struggle to pay the rent and you are working you should contribute or if they live far from the medical facility you should try to assist them in arranging regular transportation, etc… There are parents that do not need financial assistance or this type of assistance. If you can and the situation is not too abusive and traumatic - try to maintain contact and visit them. Keep in touch with those near them so you know what their situation is and can always assist them when they need assistance.

You are responsible for your parents and should never abandon them. They are your responsibility. You are no longer a child and they want to treat you as such, if they lack respect for you, keep your distance and just be prepared to make sure their needs are met.

To put it simply, they kind of become your children. Don’t abandon them in a nursing facility or old folks home where they may be abused etc… You need to make sure they are well and let people know they have a child and someone to make sure they are fine. Many people drop off their parents in nursing homes and never go back to visit, this are the elders that are often neglect and abused etc… so you want to march around as the authority where ever they are and let them know they can count on you.

We will need to give an account to Our Lord with how we handled that responsibility. He is very firm, don’t let the modern ideas blind you, but, don’t let your parents manipulate you. You are a free person but you do have a duty to them and must always respect them - if this is difficult walk away and keep distance.

Don’t kid yourself. God takes this very serious. It’s even one of the Commandments.

 

[Abba]

You cannot say Corban:

Mark 7

Followers of Tradition
7 The Pharisees and some of the scribes gathered around Him when they had come from Jerusalem, 2 and had seen that some of His disciples were eating their bread with impure hands, that is, unwashed. 3 (For the Pharisees and all the Jews do not eat unless they [a]carefully wash their hands, thus observing the traditions of the elders; 4 and when they come from the market place, they do not eat unless they **cleanse themselves; and there are many other things which they have received in order to observe, such as the [c]washing of cups and pitchers and copper pots.) 5 The Pharisees and the scribes *asked Him, “Why do Your disciples not walk according to the tradition of the elders, but eat their bread with impure hands?” 6 And He said to them, “Rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you hypocrites, as it is written:

‘This people honors Me with their lips,
But their heart is far away from Me.
7 ‘But in vain do they worship Me,
Teaching as doctrines the precepts of men.’
8 Neglecting the commandment of God, you hold to the tradition of men.”

9 He was also saying to them, “You are experts at setting aside the commandment of God in order to keep your tradition. 10 For Moses said, ‘Honor your father and your mother’; and, ‘He who speaks evil of father or mother, is to [d]be put to death’; 11 but you say, ‘If a man says to his father or his mother, whatever I have that would help you is Corban (that is to say, [e]given to God),’ 12 you no longer permit him to do anything for his father or his mother; 13 thus invalidating the word of God by your tradition which you have handed down; and you do many things such as that.”

biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%207&version=NASB

But, don’t let them manipulate you, you are a free person.**

 

[EasterJoy]

If your parents have only brought you good and not evil, not to mention life, then you ought to respond in some positive way to their desire to have an ongoing relationship with you. Of course you should. You would owe that to a mere benefactor, let alone your parents.

That does not mean you owe them everything they demand. It doesn’t mean you cannot feel more affection for someone else or enjoy the company of someone else more. It does mean you owe them more, though. If they have abused the trust you ought to be able to have in them, that relieves you of many of the duties of family, but if not you do have social duties towards your parents, whether they are your favorite people to spend time with or not.

As for caring for them when they cannot care for themselves, cross that bridge when you come to it. Yes, you have obligations there, too, but that doesn’t mean you have to live your life so that you can care for them personally if they need that. You will, however, have the duty with your siblings to look out for their welfare, just as they would look out for you from a distance, if you needed it as an adult.

 

[1ke]

they feel like they should always be the top priority though and that I owe them everything so I often feel a lot of pressure and guilt because, well, they did raise me.

This is not true. It is emotional blackmail and an attempt to keep you dependent upon them and under their thumb.

I know it is difficult, but you must continue on your path to independence from them.

are your parents supposed to be the closest people in your lives?

No.

Respect is not the same thing as being close, dependent, or absorbed in their life or vice versa.

I’m much closer to my elderly Polish friend from church, for example. but maybe I shouldn’t be?

It is fine to be close friends with people you have things in common with.

also, how would one practically care for an aging or ill parent if one lives in a different part of the country? or has immigrated to a different country? and you have a spouse and kids to take care of as well?

See responses on another thread.

Frankly it is appalling that your parents continue to try to manipulate and guilt you into staying dependent upon them.

There is NOTHING in Catholic teaching to support their attempts. I am really sorry you continue to have stress over this.

 

[St_Francis]

I’m not really talking about that this time, I was just reading the section in the catechism on duties of children and parents and trying to understand its practical applications

As you can see in the other thread, families who need to provide care for their parents sort it out in different ways. In terms of what a young adult needs to do to honor her parents, it is very similar, it is different fro each family.

You should keep in touch with your parents. In my family are some who came here from a different country: they wrote letters to their parents, maybe called them 2 or 3 times a year–international phone calls were very expensive and there were no computers or internet. So letters and the occasional phone call worked. Some “children” were able to make enough to be able to return to visit their parents, some weren’t.

In my family, we tend to shoot for a phone call once a week and end up with 2 or 3 phone calls a month. That is increasing as my parents grow older.

You are at the beginning of adulthood. You will be resonsible for yourself, right? Your parents already are adults, and they should have already been responsible for themselves. You are not responsible for the happiness of your non-needy parents or for filling their lives.

 

[pianistclare]

This is not true. It is emotional blackmail and an attempt to keep you dependent upon them and under their thumb.

I know it is difficult, but you must continue on your path to independence from them.

(snip)

Frankly it is appalling that your parents continue to try to manipulate and guilt you into staying dependent upon them.

There is NOTHING in Catholic teaching to support their attempts. I am really sorry you continue to have stress over this.

THIS^^^

Seek some outside assistance. A counselor at college, a good priest.
A good parent understands that their job is to bring to a point where you can stand on your own. Even more so when someone has a disability.

 

[1ke]

THIS^^^

Seek some outside assistance. A counselor at college, a good priest.
A good parent understands that their job is to bring to a point where you can stand on your own. Even more so when someone has a disability.

Honestly, I want to punch them.

But that’s not very Christian.

 

[pianistclare]

Honestly, I want to punch them.

But that’s not very Christian.

 

[angell1]

THIS^^^

Seek some outside assistance. A counselor at college, a good priest.
A good parent understands that their job is to bring to a point where you can stand on your own. Even more so when someone has a disability.

I think to a certain extent, they get that.

my mom has taught me to be self-sufficient and not to depend on others, in many ways

but this also stems from her mistrust of everyone.

like I’ve said before, there are many issues in their lives not related to me which govern a lot of these reactions from not dealing with the issues and simply suppressing them.

I’m working on it guys, please forgive my scrupulous flares once in a while

 

[Lou2U]

I think to a certain extent, they get that.

my mom has taught me to be self-sufficient and not to depend on others, in many ways

but this also stems from her mistrust of everyone.

like I’ve said before, there are many issues in their lives not related to me which govern a lot of these reactions from not dealing with the issues and simply suppressing them.

I’m working on it guys, please forgive my scrupulous flares once in a while

Angel,

Your mother may have taught you not to depend on others, but from reading through your threads, she wants you to be dependent on her. She is also expecting to be dependent on you when she is older. This situation is not healthy for you.

Do you have a spiritual director you can talk to when your scrupulosity gets really bad?

Lou