We have forgotten or dismissed how life really is a spiritual battle. Do not be deceived, we are at war and are under assault. Your despair of God’s love or concern for you is a deception, a lousy tool of war the devil finds quite useful. I know this because he sharpened that tool on me.
Already at 5 years old, life had marked me and I felt rejected and unworthy and the years rolling forward from there got worse rather than better.
Eventually (in my 30s) my prayer changed from “please help with this that and the other” to “please just let me know what it’s like to feel blessed to be alive”. I was exhausted from a lifetime of praying and only succeeding at finding new ways to be disappointed. It seemed safer for me psychologically to pray in general than for specifics. I grew tired of being disappointed. I lost over a decade of my life when I gave up striving and just resigned myself to “putting in time”.
Finally now, in my mid-40s, I can say…life is good. It happened gradually over the past few years and then in the Fall of 2012 I acknowledged and finally believed that God had reached down and plucked me from the deepest, darkest crevices that I, as a very wounded lamb, was determined to stay lost and hidden in. I finally see that He loves me so very much. I matter. This understanding is a true miracle.
What helped me:
–Surrendering to God. It was hard. It took years of living with a very broken spirit to let go of expectations and finally accept a relationship with God on His terms, based on His will and not mine. I have not yet perfected this, but am trying. Realizing that He is the Creator of all and owes me nothing…but I owe Him everything. Much of what I hoped/wished/prayed for were good things. But I heard something once: there’s danger in hoping for something too much. It can be a spirit killer. Trust and hope in the Lord without reserve, but submit to Him in obedience and don’t place all your hope in the externals or in the elements of what you want (job, physical healing, etc.).
–I came to understand that when God blesses someone else (a safe environment, opportunities, talent, etc.), it doesn’t diminish or dilute the love He has for me…even when He witholds from me what He lavishes on others.
–Accept that the hunger for God or the call or the curiosity or the impulse, whatever you want to call it, comes from Him. Not you. He is stirring your heart with His finger. He is drawing you to Him. This is a gift.
Why this is important: You have to understand that when God calls you, it means things aren’t hopeless. No matter how sinful you are or were, no matter how weak or how miserable or how much of a failure you are, it is possible to have a strong, true, loving relationship with God.
==> God will not and does not call you just to toy with you and frustrate you.
Actionable One Year Plan That Works:
–100% completely honest, contrite and regular Confession with a good priest. And a sincere effort and desire for amendment. I started out with weekly confession and now go twice a month or so. Making a full, general confession is helpful as well (especially if you had a period of time as a non-practising Catholic). I had a poor old priest sit and listen to me for 25 minutes listing every single sin I could think of while I read them from sheets of paper (mainly point form), even those I knew I already confessed. You may have to make brave new choices in your life to conform yourself 100% within the Church’s teaching (such as no sex outside marriage, no birth control, etc.) but it is critical that you accept the Church’s guidance and submit to its authority on what is sinful and what is not.
–Daily mass/communion (or as frequently as possible)
–Weekly adoration (at least 1 hour or so)
–Daily praying the chaplet of Divine Mercy and at least 5 decades of the Rosary
–Devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help
The Reasons:
Frequent mass and regular confession is to heal, cleanse and bind the wounds that are there from your own sins as well as the sins of others that have wounded you. Think of the Sacraments as balm, ointment that Jesus bathes your wounds in. This will take time.
Adoration: Sitting in the presence of our Lord will sandblast away your rough edges and give you perseverance (will take time but be diligent).
Chaplet of Divine Mercy is to draw nearer to Christ but is also a strong protection from oppression. The Rosary does this as well but also draws you nearer to Mary, who will not abandon you and will help you. If you are lucky enough to be near a Church that prays the rosary before daily mass…Participate! It is a great gift and filled with many graces.
Sacramentals:
–Wear a miraculous medal as well as a St. Benedict medal (both blessed)
–Wear the brown scapular
–A blessed statue of St. Michael (St. Joseph too if you can manage it)
–Blessed crucifixes on the walls and over entrances into the home
The Church is ancient and has grown very rich, don’t dismiss its many treasures and use with confidence its approved devotions and sacramentals.
After a year of the above with a genuine intent to draw near to God, look back at the changes in your life and you will find your heart full of promise, trust and hopefully even joy.
God bless you Norm640, I have been where you are most of my life and I am sharing this with you because I want you to know life can be good. God is good. He loves you. You matter. Do not allow yourself to be deceived.
